(Editor’s note: this week’s column is dedicated to one of the nicest ladies in the Lone Star state…sweet as Blue Belle ice cream and pretty as a yellow Texas rose. Too bad she’s originally from Wisconsin and still a Packers fan. Thinking of you, Ms. Marycharles. 

Fishing, May, tad, North, South, bean, barber, utility, negative, positive and opinion.

I’ll explain that in a moment.

So here I am on a Monday morning with nothing in particular to do…my choices for activities include reviewing my health care coverage (yeah, good luck with that; I’m pretty sure they write that shit in Sanskrit, ‘cause that’s what it looks like to me when I read it), doing mean, sick things to the cat with a soldering iron (I’m just kidding; I don’t have a cat, but my pet gerbil better watch his little butt), learning to play the spoons or watching “Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules” (seen it).

Or getting an early start of this week’s post for the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog…a novel concept indeed. (For those of you who haven’t noticed, my breathtaking prose gets posted every Thursday…okay, sometimes on Friday when I run into an advanced case of writerius blockosis.)

Being the Captain and Master of the worthy vessel the R U Kidding is mostly reactionary…shit happens and I react to it, sometimes appropriately, sometimes not. (You remember when I tossed my First Mate Taffie Wetzel’s butt in the drink when she pulled that dumb April Fools Day joke on me last year? Yeah, that might have been a bit much.)

But being the CapMas of a sea-going barge like the Kidding can be a real power-trip as well…there’s just no end to the amount of shit I can get into with that much latitude. (Speaking of latitude, did you guys know that the exact center of the United States is located just outside Lebanon KS at 39° 50’ North/98° 35’ West?) And as long as we’re talking about “power-trips”, I bet President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump thinks that the exact center of the universe is located in his bedroom at the White House.

But that’s just my opinion, based on my impression of His Eminence, which under the First Amendment of our Constitution, I’m entitled to have and voice, should I so choose.

“Opinion” is in that list up at the beginning…types of “poles”. (Yeah, I know, it’s “polls”…I’m calling artistic license here, using the term very broadly. If I had said anything about the people living in the country located smack dab between Germany and Russia, I would have had to capitalize the word, and that would have REALLY screwed things up. Talk about being between a rock and a bunch of Commie snot-wads.)

Betcha’ PTB would love to call in the Secret Service guys and tell them to “nuke that asshole Cap’n John” for having an opinion with which he doesn’t agree…the First Amendment must be a large thorn in his side, if his reaction to Nancy Pelosi’s recent goading is any indication.

The first known example of an opinion pole, er, sorry, poll was a local count done by the Harrisburg Pennsylvanian newspaper back in 1824, showing Andrew Jackson leading John Quincy Adams in their race for the Presidency (Jackson was ahead 335 votes to 169 for Adams…since Jackson won, oooh, shades of Nostradamus, everyone in America now thinks that opinion polls are infallible.)

It’s gotten to the point where even YouTube won’t let you see the video you picked until you tell them which underarm deodorant you prefer…geez.

So I thought, and yes, I do that periodically, that it was time to come up with my own opinion poll, since the last one I did was ALL the way back in March of last year. (NORTH, SOUTH AND OPINION)

So here goes…most of these items are extremely thought-provoking, so make your choices carefully, otherwise you won’t get to see your video Attack of the 50 Foot Turnip.

#1) The “real” winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby, which was held in Lebanon KS for a change, was…

[]     a) Maximum Security;

[]     b) some other horse who had one of those little midget rider guys up-top;

[]     c) Sea Biscuit;

[]     d) all the people that bet big bucks on Country House, who paid $45 bajillion to win.

#2) If you were on the jury for the bribery trial of actor and arrogant snot-wad Lori Laughlin and her husband, would you vote to…

       []      a) convict and sentence them to life in a Siberian gulag;

       []      b) convict and then whack their peenies repeatedly with a piece of ½” garden hose;

       []      c) convict and force them to move to Lebanon KS and live with the peasants for the rest of their lives;

       []      d) shoot them.

#3) Mark Zuckerberg, owner of Facebook, Instagram and YouTube, as well as being Mr. Tremendous, is a…

       []      a) unprincipled asshole;

       []      b) serious unprincipled asshole;

       []      c) blight on humanity;

       []      d) all of the above twice.

#4) Golf would be a much more interesting game if it were a contact sport.

       []      a) True

       []      b) False

       []      c) Golf is an incredibly stupid game that wastes good land that could be used for cemeteries and horse-race tracks.

       []      d) Wouldn’t it be nice if Tiger Woods would go away and not come back?

#5) If you had your “druthers”, you would have…

       []      a) the front bumper of a ’57 Edsel Pacer;

       []      b) the hind-quarters of a Peruvian llama;

       []      c) the hind-quarters of a Siberian llama;

       []      d) 358 dollars in buffalo-head nickels.

#6) The primary difference between the Peruvian llama and the Siberian llama is…

       []      a) the Siberian llama has three testicles and comes with Independent Rear Suspension;

       []      b) the Peruvian llama has never won the Kentucky Derby;

       []      c) the Siberian llama is the favorite pet of almost-as-big-an-asshole-as-Donald-Trump Russian “President” Vladimir Putin;

       []      d) “dictator” in Russian is spelled p-r-e-s-i-d-e-n-t.

#7) How would you rate the job performance of Nancy Pelosi’s BFF President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump?

       []      a) two thumbs up…not;

       []      b) I agree with arrogant snot-wad actor Jon Voight who says Trump “is the greatest President since Herbert Hoover”;

       []      c) on a scale of 1 to 10, -5463;

       []      d) a Peruvian llama.

#8) If you could have any of the following, would you choose…

       []      a) a ’57 Edsel Pacer;

       []      b) the IQ of a doorknob, like Lori Laughlin’s daughter;

       []      c) two tickets to Paradise;

       []      d) 358 dollars in buffalo-head nickels.

#9) Which is the better rock n’ roll song lyric?

       []      a) “When she moved it was a dance” from The Treasure (Take 1) by Stephen Stills;

       []      b) “In this place, filled with empty space” from In This Place by Robin Trower;

       []      c) “Hopeless romance, here we go again” from New Kid In Town by the Eagles;

       []      d) “Choices were made to be made, and all of our dreams are dreamt to be lost” by some obscure guy you never heard of;

#10) Which of the following words appear on the label of Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter…

       []      a) “contains peanuts”;

       []      b) “contains nuclear waste”;

       []      c) “remove the 56mm framitz before inserting the red Lincoln log”;

       []      d) “may contain one or more of the following: peanuts, peanuts, peanuts, Peruvian llama parts”.

#11) Please answer as many of the following as pertain to you, so that we might have a better idea of who our respondents are. I am…

       []      a) Male

       []      b) Female

       []      c) Not sure, but will look

       []      d) a right-wing Republican snot-wad actor

       []      e) taller than most jockeys by several feet

       []      f) the owner of 358 dollars in buffalo-head nickels

       []      g) a resident of Lebanon KS

       []      h) an unemployed Edsel mechanic

       []      i) tired of answering opinion poll questions

Oh, and magnetic.

Love and surveys,

Cap’n John


I have received torrents and rivers of letters and emails recently, wondering why I haven’t written anything for the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog since back on the 24th of February (okay, I got two, but compared to none, that’s a torrent), concerned that I might be incapacitated in some way and asking when, oh when, Cap’n John, will you return?

In reverse order…well, I guess my return date is today, 3/15, the infamous Ides of March, on the 2062th anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar by a bunch of Roman Senators who were not only upset with his handling of several important issues of the time, including immigration, taxes and sword control, but Caesar’s numerous alleged liaisons with large-breasted women of ill repute as well. (FYI, your Cap’n is a big fan of large-breasted women of ill repute.)

As far as being incapacitated, thank you for your concern, but no, I’m fine, as well as can be expected for someone whose mother dressed him funny when he was a kid.

Lastly, I just got lazy. (Hey, it happens.)

I saw this headline this morning on the ‘Net…”O.J. criticizes Kaepernick over anthem protest”. So apparently even disgraced athletes who are convicted felons think Colin Kaepernick’s ill-advised kneeling during the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner prior to NFL football games was a rancid crock of yak butter. (And thank you to author Christopher Moore for that great description.)

I’m sure all those folks who also didn’t like or agree with Mr. Kaepernick’s actions are greatly heartened at O.J.’s support.

It’s been my experience in life that opinions are a lot like assholes…everybody has one and a lot of them stink. But this is ‘Murica, and the First Amendment of our hallowed Constitution grants the nation’s citizens the right to pop-off with their opinions, any time they like, about anything they want to pop-off about. The Constitution was ratified in 1787 and Americans haven’t shut the fuck up since then.

I see (and like most people, I suspect, occasionally respond to) opinion polls about everything these days, on the Internet, in my daily newspaper, in the mail, even being conducted by individuals in shopping malls, all of them asking “hey, what do you think about…”, presupposing the process of thought, a chancy supposition at best in many cases.

So I thought that, hell, I can be a band-wagon jumper, why not come up with my OWN opinion poll and foist it upon my unsuspecting readers and make it about things I really want to know?

Okay, unsuspecting readers, here we go…

1) ”Pool noodles” would be…

[]             a) a great name for a rock band;

[]             b) a great name for amphibious pasta;

[]             c) the “real” reason J. Caesar was killed or;

[]             d) none of all of the above.

2) Cellular phones are…

[]             a) a blight on humanity;

[]             b) a blight on humanity;

[]             c) a blight on humanity or;

[]             d) all of the above twice.

3) President Donald Trump…

[]             a) is doing a great job…not;

[]             b) is the Devil Incarnate;

[]             c) is an unprincipled horse’s ass;

[]             d) as a President would make a fine truck-driver or;

[]             e) all of the above three times.

4) Satanism is the perfect religion…if you screw up, when you die, you go to Heaven.

                []             a) true

                []             b) false

                []             c) orchestra section, third row, seats 56 and 57.

5) The 115th Congress…

                []             a) is doing a great job…not;

                []             b) is a bunch of unprincipled horse’s asses;

                []             c) should be beaten repeatedly or;

                []             d) if you answered “yes” on Question “a” (line 54) then proceed to section “L” (line 56.53) and repeat as needed, but only if you have checked off box “h3” (line 666, subsection “25.nd%”) then refigure your tax after completing Form A888999555 (line 2, paragraph 2.5) and recalculating your framitz deduction fiscally with addendums.

6) Re my campaign for President in 2020, if I made singer Toni Tennille my candidate for Vice-President, I could campaign as “The Cap’n and Tennille”; is this…

                []             a) a great idea;

                []             b) something that smells like a fish left in a hot car for three days;

                []             c) a really dumb idea or;

                []             d) pool noodles.

7) The Grammys…

                []             a) are a complete bore;

                []             b) are a total and complete bore;

                []             c) are totally irrelevant and a total and complete bore or:

                []             d) stupid.

8) Yesterday at my part-time job as a “Front Service Clerk” for Publix Supermarkets, I walked 8053 steps, or 3.8 miles in a 5 hour shift…

                []             a) not bad for a guy slightly younger than a redwood tree or a tortoise;

                []             b) see answer “a”;

                []             c) all of the above;

                []             d) Mongo Santamaria.

9) Yoga pants are…

                []             a) a blight on humanity:

                []             b) the best thing that ever happened to men in general;

                []             c) tight in all the appropriate places or;

                []             d) the corner of 57th Street and Maple Lane.

10) Opinion polls are…

                []             a) a blight on humanity;

                []             b) a valid and meaningful method of determining people’s feelings about the issues that face our country today, as long as the “people” you ask have an IQ above room temperature;

                []             c) stupid or;

                []             d) endless.

11) Are you (please check all that apply, sequentially)…

                []             a) male;

                []             b) female;

                []             c) other;

                []             d) over 21 years of age;

                []             e) an American citizen;

                []             f) a taxpayer;

                []             g) a standout rodeo performer;

                []             h) deeply confused about which antiperspirant to use;

                []             i) claiming all the residents of your entire apartment complex as deductions;

                []             j) all of the above except a, b, c, d, e, f, g, and h.

Thank you for participating.

By applause, how many of you are really glad that this opinion poll is done…yeah, I thought so.

Love and questionnaires,

Cap’n John

Post Script…a major announcement will be forthcoming from the Cap’n John For President campaign in the immediate future. Stay tuned to this blog for the latest news.