ARE YOU THE OPPOSITE SEX OR AM I?

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

For those readers of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog who are squeamish about and/or uncomfortable with a frank and open discussion about, well, umm, sex, today’s post is all about, umm, sex.

And if recent activity is a criteria, than I am frankly not qualified to speak on this matter, not that I intend to let that stop me. I mean, if good taste and common sense aren’t enough to keep me from writing some of the shit that I write, then I see no reason to let forced-upon-me-by-circumstances celibacy be a deterrent either. Please be forewarned.

And much like the social media trolls that you frequently see and read online, screaming at the top of their lungs about subjects upon which they are “experts”, given their extensive “research” on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I intend to expound largely, confident in my ignorance.

Despite my warning (above), something tells me that none of you have stopped reading…sluts.

Now before I get too far into today’s post, I need to pause for a moment and give a big shout-out to the Two Bandits, the Pixie Girl and Boogerbutt, my four young friends from the Publix grocery store where I work part-time, also and better known as Janessa and Maggie, Sarah and Janessa’s hubby Sean, who are headed for Alaska on a cruise next week…have fun, kids, be safe and, if you think of it, bring me back a penguin or an elk or an Eskimo or whatever. (Leave the Aurora Borealis there.)

(FYI, Aurora Borealis comes from the Inuktitut language and means “multiple orgasms”.)

Back to the subject matter at hand.

It was simple when I was young and still in my prime, which was just a few weeks after fire was discovered, because there were only two genders…female and other, and there was little debate about a person’s membership in either category; “females” knew they were “females” by equipment and temperament, and those of us who were in the “other” category knew who we were because the “females” told us, just before they said to shut up and go stand in the corner.

(Listen, I have NEVER won an argument with a woman…never. Women are not only better-looking than men, they’re smarter, have WAY more common sense, smell better and are all-around nicer people than their “other” counterparts.)

Now the sex part was a little more complicated than that I admit; I mean, there’s always been a whole lot more than the “missionary position” going on between people. Sure, we knew that some guys liked other guys, and some girls liked other girls and some guys liked hamsters but once we got past the Sexual Revolution in the ‘60s and gays and lesbians and McHamsterHeads began to come out of the closet and live among us openly, the majority of people got used to the idea and were mostly okay with it. (That’s not to discount the “haters”…I just don’t think they’re in the majority. Oh, and I’ll explain “McHamsterHeads” another time.)

Certainly for me it was pretty much, oh, what’s her name is a lesbian, no shit, really, hey, who do the Bears play this weekend?

It’s called priorities. I mean, if the only way a person can get off is to dress in a latex nun’s habit, put Wagner’s The Ride of the Valkyries on the stereo at about “9” volume in the background while he/she does disgusting things to their cat with a salad fork, it’s none of my business. Unless you’re using MY latex nun’s habit, then I might have something to say about the matter.

But these days, much to the bewilderment of someone my age (think tortoises or redwood trees), there are suddenly a lot more classifications of “gender” than there used to be, and lemme’ tell you, folks, I am some sorely confused.

Believe me, all this confusion hasn’t diminished my interest in ”sex”, but sadly, when it comes to women, I suspect I’m much like a dog chasing a car…if I caught one I wouldn’t know what to do with it. But for me, being in my declining years (oh please), it’s truly a comfort to be able to admire a beautiful, sexy woman without all the compulsion and “drive to reproduce” that I had when I was younger. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I’m not declaring myself a monk…given opportunity, sure. I mean, I’m old, not dead, okay?

But these days, it’s enough to admire a beautiful lady and appreciate her various “assets” without having to “slobber a bibful” watching her. (I have never been one of those guys who stare…they’re assholes.)

Now being one of the Internet’s top humor bloggers (per myself) is lots of fun, but it has responsibilities as well, one of which is leadership…my loyal readers (all several of you) look to me for answers, for guidance, and it has come to pass that I have received a number of letters, texts, DMs, emails, pre-and postcards, etc., asking me to clarify all the various “genders” that have sprung into existence over the past few years. This of course is much like asking a four-year old to give a detailed explanation of quantum mechanics, but hey, I’m game if you guys are.

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

We interrupt this blog post to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! from the RUKME News Desk…

Dateline LaLaLand CA

In an announcement that surprised most of the known world, former Bruce, once husband of Kris, father of Kendell and Kylie, stepfather (mother?) to all those moron Karhootzians and winner of the 1976 Olympic Decathlon as a man, Caitlyn Jenner came out of her political closet today and said she is running for Guber of California in the 2021 gubernatorial recall race. Jenner, who is a conservative, Christian, right-wing Republican and who believes that all women should have the “XY“ chromosome and be subservient to their husbands, has said publicly that she voted for former and no longer President Donald Trump in 2016, although voting records showed her casting no vote in the election, but that she now thinks he’s a flaming asshole and that she further supports same-sex marriages but does not believe that transgender girls should be allowed to compete in woman’s sports. When asked by RUKME Senior Political Correspondent Boy George if he supported Jenner’s candidacy, Mr. Trump stated that he thought Jenner “should grow a pair”. Mr. Trump then suggested that Correspondent George perform an unnatural act upon him/herself and walked away.

More on this breaking story as it becomes available.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled column.

So I thought for your general edification and amusement that I would share with you some of the more inane, uh, excuse me, interesting missives that I’ve received on this subject and my responses thereto.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Dear Cap’n John:

I don’t get all this hetero-, gay-, cis-, dis-, mis-, Lebanese, queer, trans, binary (oh good, like I wasn’t confused before, now there’s math involved), regular, extra-crispy, unleaded, geez, this list seems endless and I’m still back at “boys and girls”. Give us a show of your massive intellect, Cap’n, and explain all this crazy shit, would you?

A Swiss Cis Miss From Geneva”

Dear “Miss”:

            Okay, here goes:

            ~hetero= boy/girl, all OEM parts

            ~gay= boy/boy, all OEM parts

            ~bi= a word to say when leaving, as in “doe, a deer, a female, non-binary hetero cis deer”

            ~trans= six-speed on the new Chevrolet C8 Corvette, a car for which I would sacrifice a testicle, making me an old, cranky, hetero, binary, incel one ball male

            ~queer= no idea

            ~incel= typically a male hetero who, due to circumstances, such as most of them being roving assholes, is celibate involuntarily

~Lebanese= female person from Lebanon

~Symbionese= female person from Symbion

~Manganese= female person from Manga 

~cis= if your birth certificate says you’re a “male”, you have the XY chromosomes, the appropriate male equipment amidships and you identify as a “male”, you’re a “cis” male (that whole concept is almost as stupid as Donald Trump telling people to ingest bleach as a way to combat the coronavirus)

~binary (not “bi”)= is a number expressed in the base-2 numeral system, or third-and-long from the Bucs 43-yard line, tax, title and license not included

Well, “Miss”, I certainly hope this cleared up any confusion there might have been on your part; if not, just go with what feels right, or as Steven Stills once so succinctly put it, love the one you’re with.

~~~~~~~~~~

“Cap’n John:

            I’m an early-30s, recently divorced, hetero, binary, translucent, cis male that does not want to slip into being an incel; I would like to start dating again, but I’m not sure about partners. Should I be looking for a helio, binary, XX chromo female with a tendency to Lebaneseism or would a Snap-On CDI 3/8s Drive 10-80# Torque Wrench be more appropriate? Do you think it’s okay if she doesn’t have all OEM parts, like What’shername Jenner? Would that make me a binary, cis, 3rd Degree Black Belt homosexual? (Caitlyn says she likes girls, and I didn’t even know she was from Lebanon.)

            Anyway, thanks, Cap’n…you’re a lot nicer than that Berkowitz humor guy says you are.

            Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places”

Dear “Looking”:

            What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is dangerous as hell?

            A sparrow with a machine gun. (Gleefully stolen from the 1960s Batman movie.)

~~~~~~~~~~

“Doe a Deer Cap’n John:

            I’m a single, hetero, trapezoidal, binary cis female turret lathe operator in my late 20s, never married, but not a virgin, having had previous relationships with hetero binary males with OEM equipment, and I’ve always thought that was what I wanted. Lately though I’ve been getting these “urges” to seek out Lebanese, binary, lemon-flavored, cis females for some “girl on girl” action. I’m feeling a little guilty about this…I don’t want to betray my sister cisters and not be true to my real sexual identity, but there’s this really hot girl with a great butt in Accounting that I’d like to explore the Mariana Trenches with, if you get my drift.

            So here’s my question…does this make me Lebanese, or worse yet, a Republican?

            I Can Lick My Own Eyebrows Edna”

Dear “Eyebrows”:

            I once played in a band with a guy, our guitar player, who was convinced that if one of us would sit on the back of his neck, very gently but firmly, he would be able to bend down far enough to perform fellatio on himself.

            I’m not sure if that qualifies as “an unnatural act” but it’s gotta’ be in the ballpark. (I told him once that his problem wasn’t a lack of limberness but a deficiency in size…he didn’t think that was humorous.)

Well gang, I see from the word-counter thingie down in the lower left-hand corner of my monitor that I have, once again, blown right by my self-imposed limit of “x” words, rambling on like coked-up magpie on speed.

Tell the truth, it would have been okay with me if we had left this whole subject right where the little kid in the movie Kindergarten Cop left it…”Boys have a penis and girls have a Virginia”.

Unless they’re from Lebanon.

Love and hamsters,

Cap’n John

Post Script…I don’t know is this means anything, but a friend of mine tells me that he knows of an “adult toys” website that sells “personal lubricant” by the 55-gallon drum…I checked it out and he was right. Fifteen hundred bucks.

Order now and have it in time for Memorial Day picnics and 4th of July cookouts.