I’ve never been much of a TV person.

I never watched Seinfeld…I didn’t like Jerry Seinfeld as a stand-up comedian (he wasn’t funny), and I saw just enough of the show from outtakes, commercials, etc. to think that both Jason Alexander and Michael Richards were roving assholes, although what’s-her-name, Julia King Louie Dreyfuss is a cutie. Never watched Big Bang Theory when it was on, have no idea what it was about, never once saw Everybody Loves Raymond and I’ve never seen Game of Thrones. I did occasionally watch Friends back in its heyday; I think Jennifer Aniston is breathtakingly gorgeous and always thought Joey (Matt LeBlanc) was hysterical. (Case in point…Joey explaining a “moo point”.

If it weren’t for a handful of movies on TCM every month, and of course sports (I come from a family of baseball players/fans, as well as following NFL football, college basketball, college softball and tiddlywinks), I wouldn’t even bother to own a TV set, especially with all the streaming online these days. (You guys remember Peter Paul and the Apostles’ big hit We Can Make A Shoe Smell and A Tiddly Wink, So Why Can’t We Eat Meat On Fridays? PP and A went on to become Peter Paul and Larry, and had another huge hit with Puff the Magic Llama.)

But I did watch a bunch of television back when I was a kid; TV and I were born around the same time and grew up together. That’s where the comparison ends however; at least I matured into a semi-decent human being, where television has become every bit of that “vast wasteland” Newton Minow once said it was.

Back then there were Westerns by the carload (Gunsmoke, Rawhide, Bonanza), lots of comedies (Car 54, Father Knows Best, Dick Van Dyke) and even the news guys were cool in those days (Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley, Severeid).

And a ton of kid’s shows, especially if you grew up in the Chicago-land area, as I did. There were Bozo’s Circus, Kukla, Fran and Ollie, The Mickey Mouse Club from out in California, and my fave, Garfield Goose and Friend.

Yes, “friend”, singular; the friend was the host and only human on the show, a man named Frazier Thomas, who created the show and the puppets, which all the characters were, back in 1950. GG wore a crown…he was “King of the United States”. Thomas wore a uniform, to denote his position as GG’s “Prime Minister”. There was Romberg Rabbit, Macintosh Mouse, Chris Goose, GG’s nephew, so named for being hatched on Christmas and a thoroughly laconic bloodhound named Beauregard Burnside III, in a completely esoteric reference to two Union generals from the Civil War.

GG was a hand puppet, so only his mouth moved, although the puppeteer, a lady named Lee Ann Prineus, had several hand movements that managed to give GG “facial expressions”, as it were. They showed cartoons like Space Angel and Clutch Cargo, had all kinds of silly scenarios where GG and Thomas and the other characters interacted, and in general it was a pretty good show. (Clutch Cargo had a companion, a young boy named Spinner, who was his “ward”, and a dog named Paddlefoot plus an apparently serious psilocybin problem that only surfaced when he named things, like his ward and his dog. Spinner and Paddlefoot? Really?)

I got to thinking about G. Goose et al. just last week while reading about President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump’s triumphant visit to England and the various events he and FLOTUS Melanoma were involved in with the Royals, who apparently are originally from Kansas City. Our rotund Pres did everything he could to live up to his delusion of himself as King Donald the First and seemed to come off as the buffoon he mostly is in the process. Sorry, Your Eminence, but you might think of yourself as KD #1, but you weren’t the first king of the US; that was Garfield. And isn’t it an interesting comparison, PTB and an egocentric, self-absorbed and self-delusional hand puppet from a TV show?

I’ve often wondered what exactly the “Royal Family” does, besides sit around and be royal and get mentioned in a bajillion headlines for being, well, royal. Almost as useless as our President, at least they aren’t actively offensive.

Speaking of things British (holy segue, Batman), I’ve been receiving a plethora of junk emails recently (“spam” messages, and immediately there comes to mind the British comedy show Month Python’s skit “Spam, Spam and Spam”…talk about esoteric) that I thought I would share with you, once again as I did several weeks ago, just in case you aren’t getting enough of these yourselves.

~From FungusAmongUs Inc., Creator of “FungAway”:

                “Are you afflicted with toe fungus? Do your toes look like they belong to the space creature in a sci-fi movie? Are your feet so ugly that they remind people of something they saw at the local zoo? Do you have excess vaginal mucus or accidental bowel leakage? Well, we can’t cure those last two things, but FungusAmongUs Inc., maker of BaldyLocks Hair For Men tonic, has a NEW product that will restore the youthful beauty of your toes and makes a dandy wax-stripper for your kitchen floors as well! If your feet look like they belong to something that climbs trees, then you need FungAway® Fungus and Floor Wax Remover! Guaranteed 100% effective against most types of common toe funguses and everyday floor polishes! FungAway® is safe, non-addicting and sold with a money-back guarantee! Try FungAway today, and get those kitchen and bathroom floors sparkling again!”

~From Dr. Sabana Zongo:

                “I am Dr. Sabana Zongo I Have a Business Proposal of $5.3 million For You. I am aware of the unsafe nature of the window internet, and was compelled to use this medium due to the natural of this project. I have access to every vital information that can be good safe to transfer this huge amount of money, which may culminate into the banana investment of the said funds into your company or any lucrative venture deposit of your country. If you will like to consist me as a partner then indicate your patio interest, after which we shall both discuss the modalities and the sharing percentage. Upon receipt of your reply on your expression of Interest, I will give you full details on how the business will be executed. I am open for special negotiation. Thanks for your anticipated conflagration. Note you might receive this message in your inbox or spam or junk folder, depends on your web host or ruler server network mostly. Regards, Dr. Sabana Zongo.”

~From BigPrizeForYou:

                “You never responded about your winning of US$ 1,450.000.00 in Free GOOGLE/MICROSOFT/MOBILE AWARD PRIZE, with +ref: no SA712R to redeem it, email us on:, with ref: no [SA712R] or contact your [OVERSEAS CLAIMS AGENT]. Please find the attached. Do not reply back to this senders email address, it is sent via computer virtual assistance for response will not be read by Human but computer Therefore you must contact the fiduciary agents by phone and email address provided in the attached tomorrow twice.”

~From BloodSuck Visa:

                “Poor credit or no credit? Is your FICO score lower than Donald Trump’s IQ? Turned down more times than a thermostat? WE APPROVE EVERYONE! That’s right, Third World Bank and Tire Center approves 100% of applicants that have 1) a pulse, 2) fewer than eight jobs in the past two months and 3) no murder convictions in the last 10 years! Call or text us at 1-800-DEDBEAT today to apply!”

~From Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative, IMF:

                “Attention Beneficiary: This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been experiencing in getting your long overdue payment, due to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank
officials and slutty Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you by pliers. I am Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative gyrate with the IMF (International Monetary Fund) and I have totally received these reports of your uneasy treatment for getting your funds deposited to great access and I have been chosen to put a stop to this by Mr. Donald Trump giving me permission floral. All NGOs, Government agencys, tire centers and BINGO was his name-o have been instructed to BACK OFF and no more contact you rightly again. Please do not respond to these fertile creatures ever. I Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative mantis is only for your direct contact and fiduciary payment acceptance. Send me your phone number, hat size, bank account number, password, first born child, Social Obscurity number and Publisher’s Clearing House lozenge size to Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative for imposition finally this day weekly.”

And from Mr. P.T. Barnum, who once said that there’s a sucker born every minute, and they typically vote Republican, comes this timeless observance:

“Advertising is to the genuine article what manure is to land…it largely increases the product.”

Love and hyperbole,

Cap’n John

Post Script: And per comedian Jeff Foxworthy, if your bra size is 44Long, you’re probably a redneck, and a Trump supporter. Okay, I paraphrased that a bit.