I remember telling my good friend Maureen, who is a fellow sufferer, excuse me, employee at Publix Supermarkets, where we both work part-time, myself as a Front Service Clerk (if jargon were profit, Pubics, as I call them, would be awash in cash) and her as a cashier, back when Marie Callender’s Chicken Pot Pies were on special, that that’s three of my favorite things, a silly joke from which we both still get a big charge whenever a customer throws a box of them up on the conveyor (see my earlier post “HE WAS BORN WITH THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER AND THE SENSE THAT THE WORLD WAS MAD”, 10/7/17); it’s the little things that often times make life more livable.

Mo is a major sweetie…she’s one of those rare people that always has a smile for you and never bitches, even when she’s entitled. She makes the world a better place for being in it, and we were all deprived of a decent, fine lady when she wasn’t born twins. And she is just one of many super folks that labor in the vineyards of Publix, day in and day out. Much as I bitch about Pubics, the people are mostly cool, with a few notable exceptions. (Are you listening, Ed?)

But I digest.

So imagine my excitement when, during this past weekend’s various football games, and Holy Forward Pass, Batman, wasn’t that throw/catch for a touchdown at the end of the Saints/Vikings game effin’ amazing, I saw repeated commercials for Chicken Pot Pies at KFC. (There was a kid in our neighborhood, back in the day, who could never say “Kentucky Fried Chicken” properly…it always came out “Kenfucky Tried Chicken”. He went on, as an adult, to become a Senator from Illinois.)

Hey, three of my fave things, now at KFC for only $3.99 a pop. Whoa.

To say I was disappointed when, after obtaining one of these delicacies and not finding any hint of pot whatsoever, would be an understatement; chicken, yes, and it most certainly was a pie, although I prefer apple typically, but pot, not so much. In fact, more like none, nada, zilch, bupkis, zero, close your eyes and what do you see, not a bit.

Absolutely none…I didn’t get the slightest buzz from it at all (it was pretty good though). And I’m sorry, but I think that’s a blatant case of false advertising, and I intend to approach the FCC, the Interstate Commerce Commission, the Better Business Bureau, the FBI, the CIA, the Mafia, B’Nai Brith and the Shriners about this travesty. These big corporations must know that they can’t trifle with the American public with impunity. 

Okay, it’s a really bad joke, but hey, I had you going for a while there, admit it.

And as long as I’m talking about TV commercials, another repeated attempt during the games by Corporate America to get into my wallet was the Charmin toilet paper ad…it shows the cute animated Bear Family on vacation, checking into a hotel, when suddenly Papa Bear charges out of the bathroom, all upset that, instead of Charmin in the dispenser, it has an inferior brand of TP. “I’ll never get clean with that”, he bemoans. Mama Bear comes to the rescue, however, when she whips out a roll of Charmin from their luggage…yeah, I always carry my own toilet paper in my suitcase when I travel. Flash to the beach, where all the Bears are now happily frolicking, even PB, who cutely shakes his butt at us, to show how clean, and therefore by implication, how happy he is. See, America, taking a good dump and cleaning up afterwards can be fun with Charmin. 

Sorry, that’s disgusting. (It ranks right up there with ads for feminine hygiene products, erectile dysfunction cures and the Edward Jones investment jerks.)

Oh, and as long as we’re on the subject of crap, I stumbled onto this headline yesterday…”Ivana Trump Says Donald’s Not Racist, Just Confused” (see link below). Gee, how nice of her to clear that up for us; here we were thinking that he’s just basically a dotard, which by the way, according to Google’s online dictionary, is defined as “an old person, especially one who has become weak or senile”.  

I have, as I believe I have shown frequently, a very vivid and active imagination, but I can’t think of a thing to say about this…it rather speaks for itself, wouldn’t you agree? Please nod your head if you do.



I understand that President Tweety Bird has directed Attorney General Jeff (I’m Not A Racist Either Just A Roving Asshole) Sessions to launch an immediate investigation into Yum Brands Inc., parent company of Kenfucky Tried Chicken; PTB believes that they may be a major distributor of marijuana.

Love and the munchies,

Cap’n John

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