And from the You Know You’re Getting Old When Department…your boss introduces you to a “new hire” and asks you to show her around, explain the job, teach her what to do and when, etc., and in the course of your instruction, you learn that this very attractive, very sweet young lady you’re training is only a year older than your eldest grandson.
Per Rodney Dangerfield…”I’m so old, when I was in school, we didn’t have History.”
And speaking of school (boy, all my segues should be that smooth), I’ve been giving some thought to starting one of those “on-line” schools of higher education, like that University of Phoenix bunch…what a gig: come up with a few “soft lob” courses, hire a couple of “instructors” to grade the work, award a diploma (blank forms available on-line as well) and charge the suckers, excuse me, the students a ton and retire at 40. (Okay, I’m 66 and already retired, but you get my drift.)
Since I already have my paralegal certificate, obtained many years ago at great expense and much night-school effort and proclaiming to all the world my prowess in the fast-paced world of legal research, I thought a school for legal thought and the exploration of all aspects of our nation’s laws and the manner in which they come into being and their interpretation and defense would be fitting.
So coming soon to a webpage near you, I will be launching the Antonin Scalia School of Holistic and Organic Legal Education, with myself as the Headmaster, Dean of Education and most likely, custodian, which pays better than “janitor”.
At ASSHOLE, our intent will be not only to provide top-flight legal instruction, but to also give our students a well-rounded base of information, by offering not only the standard law-school courses and texts, such as Contract Law 101, Collecting Fees 200 and Legal Ethics for 500, Alex, but also such courses as…
~Animal Gynecology 101…a comprehensive introduction to the mechanics of examining the genitalia of various classes of animals, whether they want you to or not
~Necrophilia For Fun And Profit 201…a further look into the world of having sex with dead bodies from the aspect of business (requires successful completion of Introduction to Necrophilia 101)
~The Beauty of Roofing 101…a broad-based look at the art that sits on top of your house
~A History of Pears 200…an in-depth look at this little understood pomaceous fruit (requires the successful completion of Basics of Fruit 100)
ASSHOLE will also be the first Internet school to offer extracurricular activities such as sports, with, as an example, competition between students in Intramural Gerbil Poking, or against other schools in Team Flatulence and Synchronized Field Mowing, as well as various academic clubs and special-interest groups, such as the Astrology Club or the Students for Pork Intestines.
And although we’re hoping she won’t be very busy, for those students who fall below either our academic, behavioral or financial minimum requirements, we have our Dean of Discipline, Professor Erica Von Stropwith, who, as you can see, takes individual interest in each of our students and their problems.
Upon completing all the required courses and providing the requisite monetary stipend to the school (the full four-year curriculum will have a tuition of somewhere north of $56 bajillion), the student is awarded a diploma, certifying his/her successful navigation of the course material and proclaiming his/her expertise in the field of holistic and organic legal thinking.
Richard Russo, in his wonderful and really funny book “Straight Man”, talks of an English professor who, in a Writer’s Workshop he is conducting, uses the starter line “I know you, (someone’s name); you’re not the kind of man who…” and the budding authors fill in the blank, complete the sentence and then build a story from there, as a creative thinking exercise, or something.
Anyway, I got to thinking about how I would complete that line if I was taking that class…ready?
“I know you Oswaldo; you’re not the kind of man who would let his lampshade rest on the cowling of a P-51 Mustang that was painted concrete and why was the persimmon?”
Did I pass?
Love and textbooks,
Post Script…you guys hear the old attorney joke about what you call 5000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Post Post Script…”The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Dick the Butcher from William Shakespeare’s Henry VI, Part 2, Act IV, Scene 2.
Post Toasties…okay, one more…a rather shy, modest young woman mentions to her ob-gyn guy, during her annual check-up, that her husband would like to have anal sex, but that she was reluctant, and could the doctor explain a few things to her. So they discussed the issue at length, and finally the young woman said, “Doctor, one more thing, and I know this will sound silly, but is there any possible way I can get pregnant from anal sex?”
The doctor gave her a serious look and answered, “Why, yes, Ms. Smith, there is a possibility of pregnancy from anal intercourse.”
“Gee, I never knew that,” she replied, shaking her head.
“Certainly,” said the doctor, “where do you think lawyers come from?”