You wouldn’t believe all the shit you have to know to be the Captain and Master of an ocean-going vessel like the R U Kidding…the nautical terminology you have to remember alone is way crazy. Get this…

-hoist the mizzen mast…a directive given by the captain to his/her (hey, this blog is fully PC-certified, okay?) crew to perform the task of raising the mizzen mast to its appropriate height, weight and relative humidity, and is usually accompanied by great freshets of profanity, such as “you scurvy knaves” or “you mangy dogs” or…well, never mind.

-“Freshets Of Profanity” would be an awesome name for a rock band.

-batten down the hatches…a process whereby, as a precautionary measure, the hatches have their batten turned down by the ship’s crew; this is done to avoid having the scuppers change their bearing and become thanatos.

-batten up the hatches…see “batten down the hatches” (above) and reverse the process. Twice.

-shiver me timbers…it becomes necessary from time to time to lower the Captain’s timbers and administer a vigorous shivering; this is done by the cabin boys and rookie seamen, because they have no union.

-ahoy the crow’s nest…sailors, being sentimental fools, have taken to having onboard many vessels, as a good luck talisman, a pet crow, and the “crow’s nest” is a spot on the very top of the main mast where the captain keeps the rum.

-full speed ahead…order given by the Captain or the First Mate or the Second Bosun’s Mate 5th Class to the engine room goofs to a) get to boat moving at full speed and to b) make sure it’s pointed forward; full speed in reverse is awkward.

-do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around…order given by the Captain, or if he’s incapacitated, the Machinist Mate 3rd Class Cosine PiRSquared, to the crew to immediately after hearing the “Hokey-Pokey” horn, turn themselves around. That’s what it’s all about.

-we’re under attack from a giant squid…this captain’s directive to his/her crew to take all appropriate measures to combat an attack against the ship from a giant member of the genus Architeuthis was first given to Seaman 23rd Ned Land, who immediately leapt to the deck, killed the huge beastie with a well-placed harpoon throw (see above), made it to shore safely and then went on to invent a pretty spiffy camera.

But I dye grass…

I love headlines on the Internet; much like newspaper headlines (for those of you who are too young (or too oblivious) to remember a world pre-Net, newspapers were an ancient method of communication, using paper and ink, printing words on blank paper that were then read by hundreds or millions, depending on who was keeping the subscriber count, for informational purposes), headlines on websites, given the need for brevity, a drummer whose beat I do not acknowledge, are necessarily short and are oftentimes unintentionally hilarious or describe incidents of behavior too outlandish to believe. To wit…

-“Ivanka for President? It’s possible, her mom says”…(Just saw this one earlier today.) Yeah, chew on that for a moment and see how your taste buds react.

-“Where can you park a tiny home?”…In a tiny yard, you moron.

-“Donald Trump Elected President” or ““Purple Space Aliens Raid Disco, Kidnap Stripper”…Same level of incredulity, yes?

-“Britney Spears fighting with her father over having another baby”…Assuming he isn’t going to be the father of the child (ooohh, that is sick and really creepy…notice I didn’t delete it though), why would he care? Why would BS even ask his opinion? Why would anyone with an IQ above the level of vegetative matter give a roving fuck one way or the other?

-”Woman gives birth to three-headed orange Republican, says she is running for governor”…If she runs in Florida, she can probably win; remember who carried the Sunshine State last November.

And just as an FYI, the above, other than the one about the “Purple Space Aliens Raid Disco, Kidnap Stripper” are real headlines that I have personally (why do people say “I have personally” done something…can you do something “impersonally”, like it was done by somebody else?) seen on the ‘Net recently. (“Hey, Tonto, think anybody will catch this one?”)


I wouldn’t lie to you guys…well, I would, but I wouldn’t let you know about it.

Love and William Randolph Hearst,

Cap’n John

Post Script…Popped into my head the other evening…”Dancing is visual music”. I really hope I am the first person to say that; otherwise, I will be devastated. Again.

Post Post Script…copyright © 2017 Krissongs Inc. Hey, Pat Riley, when he was coach of the Lakers, copyrighted the term “three-peat”, just before L.A. had their first…”excuse me, Mr. Riley, sorry to bother you but the armored truck is here…”

Post Toasties…happy tomorrow, everyone.

Leave a Reply