THE CAP’N, AS HUMBLE WRITER

Please note this, because it hasn’t happened, and will not happen often…I’m going to be serious for a moment.

(Cries of dismay erupt from the crowd, along with shouts of “No! No!”)

There will be some folks who read what I’m about to write with great skepticism, or maybe even a large grain of salt, but I am being very sincere, and I can assure you that, unlike our President, the lover of Big Macs, inflammatory and thoroughly stupid “tweets” and the grabbing of women’s genitalia, I am by no means self-delusional. 

At least no more so than most people.

As the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog gains in popularity, I have been the very humble recipient of recognition, praise and general good wishes from a number of my readers, who express their pleasure with the writing and the content. And believe me, I am flattered; I am by no means lacking in ego, although once again unlike Mr. Trump, I keep mine carefully in check.

And I receive these “accolades” with what I’ve come to realize is no small degree of wonder and surprise…because it’s completely unexpected.

It’s not that I feel that I am lacking in talent; although I am no Hemingway, or Faulkner, no Dickens or even Twain, I know I am capable of cogent thought and concise expression, and a certain facility for “humor” (such as it is).

Now comes the skepticism/grain of salt part…it’s just that I don’t write to receive praise; truly, as I said, I’m generally surprised when someone says, hey, that’s pretty good, nice job. 

I write to amuse myself…as I have also said often, here on the pages of the WATRUK blog, I’m my own biggest fan; I think I’m hysterical, but I always am taken aback when someone agrees with me. (And of course, the act of creation becomes compulsion…as Ron White, a very funny and irreverent man says in his stand-up routine, I have the right to remain silent, I just don’t have the ability.)

Are you kidding me? Someone else thinks my “stuff” is humorous? The mind boggles…mine does anyway.

So to my wonderful and thoughtful readers, who are so quick to dispense praise and recognition for this, my sometimes disjointed but always unpredictable attempt at entertaining you, at least for a brief moment in the course of your daily lives, thank you. Big, big thank you. Enormous thank you.

Double-secret probation thank you.

I’m really having a good time writing the WATRUK blog…and I’m really glad that you folks seem to like it as much as I like creating it. Some people might question your taste, but hey, joke’em of they can’t take a fuck, okay?

Now here’s a preview of the topics I will be exploring in upcoming posts, here on the WATRUK blog… 

~Orgasm allergy in men

~My vasectomy, and why I wouldn’t allow a class of (female) nursing students to watch the proceedings

~Seniors in Florida…up to our butt in wrinkles

~The inherent incongruities of sports, or why the hell is the net in tennis right in the middle of the court, smack in the way

~My devastating good looks, and other urban fables

Despite what I hear to the contrary from other people, I think you guys are okay.

Love and copyrights,

Cap’n John

NAMES I WOULDN’T WANT TO GIVE A CHILD, AT LEAST NOT ONE OF MY OWN

I once read an essay by the author John D. MacDonald on the subject of writing, or maybe, to cut a little closer, authorship; Mr. MacDonald was the author of the vastly entertaining Travis McGee series of books, as well as the novel The Executioners, which was the basis for both of the “Cape Fear” movies (1962 and 1991). He won high praise from many of his contemporaries, including such literary luminaries as Stephen King and Kingsley Amis, as well as a slew of awards for his work.

In his essay, Mr. MacDonald spoke at length of a writer’s fascination with, yes, even his/her addiction to, words…he felt strongly that any writer (author) has to immerse him/herself in words, wallow in them, become intimate with them, as a prerequisite to being able to “write”.

Oh yeah, I totally get that. 

I love words…for years they have been my solace and my delight. At the risk of tooting my own horn, which is not, despite how it sounds, a euphemism for self-pleasure, I have been endowed with a command of our language, of a facility for expression that came from much effort and study on my part; it didn’t happen by accident. I love word-puzzles, I play silly games with words in my head (case in point, saying words backwards to myself…did you know that the word “republicans” pronounced backwards comes out as “snacilbuper”? Say it out loud…it’s a lot funnier), I look up words that I come across when I don’t know their meaning, and generally, as Mr. MacDonald said, I make every attempt to immerse myself in the language. 

Some time back, I had dabbled with another blog that I had created, more of a fantasy-type thing with fictional characters in strange situations; it was meant to be humorous (and it wasn’t always, which is why I stopped writing it) and much of the “humor” was to be gotten from the “words” I used.

That was the intent at the time, anyway.

Naming my fictional characters became a study in wordplay for me…just how silly could I get using silly names? As is so often the case, I am consistently the one person I can count on to laugh at my nonsense; indeed, I am my own biggest fan. (What, that surprises you in the era of a Donald Trump presidency? Anyway, see my post (“VANITY, THY NAME IS CAP’N JOHN” 11/11/17.) Making up silly, play-on-words names for the people that populated my stories became a big game for me, one that I played with great relish.

For no other reason than wanting to revisit the list I compiled of “Names I Wouldn’t Want To Give A Child, At Least Not One Of My Own”, I’ve decided to share some of the better ones with my faithful (and long-suffering) readers.

To wit:

Bea L. Zebub (#2 all-time fave)

Stanley Kupp

Justin Case (Justin Thyme)

Art Supplies (Art Museum)

Sue Perficial

Dan DeLyon

Tess Tickles (#3 all-time fave)

Glen Plaid (and his sidekick, Kelly Green)

Cliff Hanger

Warren Peace

Joy Enpain

Nick Erbocker

Gary Indiana

Laurel Enhardy (handshake…and once again, my thanks to one of the premier “funny guys” of all time, Mel Brooks)

Ruby Slippers

Mickey Deese

And my #1 all-time favorite…

Frank Lee Scarlett

Okay, I never meant to imply that this was the height of comedy; indeed, I suspect these are just one step above puns, the absolute lowest form of humor. It just something I had some fun with, once upon a time.

Sow Soo Mee.

Love and a thesaurus (which I believe lived in the Excretious Era, about 859 gazillion years ago),

Cap’n John

Post Script…did you guys know the word “embargo”, said backwards, comes out “ograbme”? (And thanks to Ryan Skiles, from one of the most hysterical TV shows of all-time, “Whose Line Is It Anyway?”, for that one.

Post Post Script…and just for the halibut, a riff from Mr. King, one of the all-time best storytellers ever. 

I LIED

The entire theme for my post on October 14th called “Dream Police” was that I would never, ever write anything serious…several days later, I’m now going to make a liar of myself, and write something serious. Please note this on your calendars…I sincerely hope it doesn’t happen again soon.

I wrote a post earlier today (“A Milestone”, see below), which covered several topics, not the least of which was how glad we Floridians are that we have managed to go another whole 24 hours without a hurricane.

Lucky us.

There is one thing that bothers me greatly though, when I’m in the midst of “writing” (using the word guardedly, for with no false humility, no self-deprecation, I still cannot see myself as a “writer”) something that is humorous (hopefully), lighthearted or even just silly…I hate to be thought of as indifferent or oblivious or callous towards all the awful things that take place, daily, in our world. 

This thought passed through my mind, as it often has, when, for example, I was making light of our lack of hurricanes here in FL, all the while the people of Puerto Rico are suffering untold hardships. I managed to survive about 40 hours without electricity…I had water (I had beer too, although it was getting kinda’ warm towards the end), I had my cellphone, I had a car that ran (although there weren’t many places to go) and in general it was an annoyance, not a tragedy. I suspect the residents of Puerto Rico are well past annoyed. 

I urge you all to please, do a little, each of you, if you would. Donate a couple of bucks, go give blood (hey, I’m Mr. Fixed Income, giving blood doesn’t cost a penny), go volunteer to get stuff prepared to be shipped to the island, do whatever you can. If everyone does a little…

I know that there are those of you reading this who consider my nonsense humorous and, wow, here’s a shocker, entertaining…from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I don’t have much in the way of treasure, enough, but not a lot, and I can’t go myself to the places where the awful things happen to lend a hand, so I do what I can, and more important, what I know.

I believe, and from what you good folks tell me, I’m right about this, that I know how to make people laugh…I’m not indifferent, or calloused or oblivious to the horrors around us, I’m just doing my small part to hopefully, make your day a little less stressful, or a little lighter.

Laugh with me, please…it’s what we do to keep from crying.

Love and joy,

Cap’n John

Post Script…In keeping with the “serious” theme of this post, I will refrain from adding one my usual ostentatious and totally tasteless displays of support for my favorite team, the L.A. Dodgers, who are playing the Chicago Cubs tonight in Game 2 of the 2017 NLCS.

Post Post Script…Not.

Enrique Hernandez and the Rally Banana…

                                    !!!!! GO DODGERS !!!!!

There, now that wasn’t so bad, was it?