ASK THE CAP’N: TWINS, MICKEY D’S AND THE BLUES BROTHERS

(Editor’s Note: This one is for my buddy Megan P., whose been up North and seen “the Bean”, so at least she gets Chicago a little bit.)

A couple of weeks ago, which seems like an eternity in our 24/7, new events happening every 10 seconds, constantly breaking stories, Internet-driven world, I declared myself to be, besides the Captain and Master of the R U Kidding, an “advice columnist”, writing under the nom de plume (that’s Burmese for “alpaca testicles”) of “Ask The Cap’n”, and dedicated myself to the notion that I would be able to right the world’s wrongs, promote justice, encourage folks to floss, ensure domestic tranquility and maybe even occasionally get lucky by addressing all the problems, crises, tribulations and general whining that many of my loyal readers (all several of you) present me frequently in their communications with the Cap’n.

So far, it hasn’t worked so well, but hey, I’ve only been at it for two weeks, gimme’ a break, okay?

In that post I related some of the background of arguably the world’s most famous “advice columnist”, Ann Landers, but I never mentioned the fact that Ann had a twin sister who was also wrote an advice column…yep, “Ann Landers” had a sibling who called herself Abigail Van Buren and wrote an advice column called “Dear Abby”.

Honest to goodness, totally true, “Ann” and “Abby” were twins. Not the Minnesota kind, but you know, the “born at the same time, same egg, mother dressed them in the same ugly matching outfits when they were kids” kind.

You’ll love this…”Ann” was born Pauline Esther Friedman, and her nickname was “Eppie”; “Abby” was born Esther Pauline Friedman, and was known as “Popo”.

Pauline Esther/Esther Pauline…their mother and father suffered from a severe lack of imagination, if you ask me. And “Eppie” and “Popo”, what, are you kidding me? Unless those are some kind of esoteric references to a dueling sword and the Vatican guy, boy, I don’t get those names at all.

Although the sisters were born in Sioux City IA, their fame and notoriety was established back in the decade to which the GOP would love to have us all return, the 1950s, by the competing giants of the Chicago newspaper industry, the Chicago Sun-Times and the Chicago Tribune. “Ann” wrote for the Times, “Abby” wrote for the Trib.

And they hated each other, and didn’t speak for years after “Abby” got started with the Tribune in 1956. “Ann” was once quoted as saying that, “…and the ugly outfits that our Mom used to dress us in were Popo’s fault, and becoming an adult hasn’t improved her taste any, believe me…” and “Abby” shot back that, “I hope she gets a bad case of crotch lice.” (Okay, I made all that up, but the sisters were estranged for many years due to the competition between them as America’s foremost and most popular advice-givers. And yes, they once had to be separated by Sheriff’s deputies at a Bar Mitzvah for Jerry Mathers, that kid who played Beaver on the ’50s TV show Leave It To…, and he wasn’t even Jewish. And if it seems like “Eppie” and “Popo” were bad, who the hell names their kid “Beaver”?)

Chicago has produced a number of other famous sets of siblings, this in addition to being the home of “the blues”, the only river in the world that flows backwards (true), the Twinkie and spray paint. (Back in 1887, the Illinois General Assembly decided, for various and sundry reasons WAY too technical and boring to get into here, to reverse the flow of the river; instead of INTO Lake Michigan, starting in 1900, by using some engineering trickery, the river was made to flow OUT OF the lake, setting an example for the city fathers and the politicians downstate in Springfield, the capital of IL, to do things ass-backwards from that day forward. And yes, Twinkies were invented back in 1930 by a baker for Continental Baking Company out in suburban Schiller Park IL, thus giving Harold Ramis the opportunity to talk about a 600 pound version of the treat in the movie Ghostbusters 54 years later.)

Anyway, Chicago was home to Jim and John Belushi, John and Joan Cusack, Richard M. and William Daley, the sons of Mayor Richard J. Daley, the 800-pound gorilla of Chicago politics all throughout the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s, and the man who once exhorted the citizens of the Windy City, just prior to a local election, to “vote early and vote often”, thus encouraging our President, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, to follow suit decades later, and probably the most famous set of siblings from the Second City, Elwood and Jake, the Blues Brothers.

_________________________FLASH!FLASH!FLASH!_________________________

We interrupt this column to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! From the RUKME News Desk…

-Dateline Washington D.C.

*President Issues Executive Order Nationalizing McDonalds Corporation*

In a stunning move apparently calculated to save millions of taxpayer dollars, President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump today issued an executive order “nationalizing” the McDonald’s Corporation, effectively taking control of the giant hamburger chain and placing it in the hands of the federal government. The Board of Directors for McDonald’s was notified earlier today that Mr. Trump, needing to bolster his sagging poll numbers and hopefully boost his chances of winning reelection in November, had issued the order and that the President would be sending his White House chefs and kitchen staff to the Oak Brook IL based company to take over operations immediately, thus saving taxpayers the millions of dollars that are being spent annually to provide the President and his advisors and family with Big Macs, French fries, chocolate and vanilla shakes, apple pies and an occasional Happy Meal by the truckload. When questioned by RUKME White House correspondent Brooke Trout about the move, the President was quoted as saying that he felt it necessary “because of the terrible prices that the Mickey D’s people have been charging us for their food.” The President went on to say that, “McDonald’s is a great, great American company, founded by that tremendous American Ron Brock, and I didn’t want to do this, but the great, great taxpayers of this country were paying way, way too much for lunch, and I know that Sleepy Joe Biden will allow terrible, terrible people to run crazy in the streets if he’s elected, and I want to make sure, you know, that Commiela Harris doesn’t control any Mickey D’s soup either, so it can’t be used by rioters and thugs and you should all vote twice, since the election will be rigged if we allow mail-in voting.”

More on this breaking story as it becomes available…

We now return you to our regularly programed blog post…

Considering the overwhelming response I got to the announcement and first edition of the “Ask The Cap’n” advice column, I thought I would give you, my loyal readers, another edition.

And so…

“Dear Cap’n:

                I was invited to an informal summer wedding recently, and I wore summer weight dress slacks and a nice “flat bottom hem” dress shirt untucked. Most of the male guests were similarly attired, and the women for the most part wore casual, flowery summer dresses, etc. All except my genius son-in-law, a man in his 40’s, who showed up in cargo shorts, an untucked, wrinkled polo shirt and sandals. So here’s my question…should I act like I don’t know this jerk when we’re out in public or just send him a copy of Miss Manner’s book, “How To Dress Like An Adult Instead of a Middle School Moron For All Occasions”? (P.S. I was helping my youngest grandson with his spelling one evening last week and asked him to spell the word “tunes”…when my grandson hesitated, his Mr. Class father, who was also in the room at the time, looked up and said, “You know, like the ‘toons you see on TV on Saturday mornings.”)

                My Daughter Married A Trump Supporter”

Dear “Supporter”:

                I bet he belongs to the NRA as well, doesn’t he?

“Dear Cap’n:

               I’m a voter living in Berwyn IL, just down the road from Oak Brook where the McDonald’s headquarters is located, and I’m undecided about who to vote for in the upcoming Presidential election. I mean, Joe Biden is a good man and a political moderate, and Kamala Harris looks like a excellent candidate with a strong background as a prosecutor, but President Trump says he’s going to lower the price of Big Mac’s now that the government has taken over Mickey D’s, and because of that, I’m leaning towards Trump. Which one should I give my vote to, the decent guy who can probably save America or the fast-food King?

                Two All Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce Pray The Right Guy Wins”

Dear “Lettuce’:

                Tell you what, vote for Biden and I’ll send you a dozen books of McDonald’s coupons.

“Dear Cap’n:

                If x1=56.9/x2*piR2+tax(44.569/sharks) annually, how do I solve for the formula for apple fritters?

                Baking By The Numbers”

Dear “Baking”:

                If the expression piR2=homily, then the coefficient of the equation XXL dominant is not applicable, therefore making the sum of the bitch undetermined spatially.

“Dear Cap’n:

                Can you provide me with any scientific evidence that supports the theory of “virgin birth”? Because my sister and I cannot begin to imagine our parents having ever had, well, you know, sex.

                Could This Be the Immaculate Exception?”

Dear “Exception”:

                I could never imagine that either, I mean, your parents having sex. At least not with each other.

The rest of the letters that I have from you guys that I haven’t answered are mostly offers of marriage, invitations to lunch at McDonald’s or indecent proposals involving blenders, a clarinet, two used tires and a 55-gallon drum of Cool Whip (those get my immediate and personal attention), so I suppose I should probably stop here before I say something that might result in a felony charge.

Did you guys know that McDonald’s now offers Chocolate Chip Cookies? I sure hope PTB doesn’t find that out, otherwise he’ll balloon up to a half ton.

Love and the Golden Arches,

Cap’n John