THE USPS…ON THE JOB, LIKE IT OR NOT

Unlike today’s younger generation, the so-called “millennials” in particular, I grasp the arcane concept of a “newspaper” in the old-fashioned sense of a news organ that has a form (ink on paper) other than digital pixels on a screen; I have been an inveterate daily newspaper reader since back in my college days.

(Full disclosure…these days I read the online version of the daily Tampa Bay Times; I miss the tactile feel of the paper in my hands, but I got sick of walking out in the morning to find it drenched and unreadable from the overnight rain.)

Back then, living in the medium-sized town of Joliet IL (yes, the same Joliet made famous in the original Blues Brothers movie, population approximately 75,000 in the 1970’s), I read the local paper, the Joliet Herald News. Most of the residents of the area read the “Snooze”, as we called it, along with one of the Chicago dailies, either the Chicago Sun Times, which was the Democratic, more liberal news source, or the mighty Chicago Tribune, a Republican powerhouse of international scope and national prominence and influence.

It was the Tribune for me, from back in the mid-70’s through the mid-90’s when I moved from Chicago to Los Angeles, where I then got the daily Los Angeles Times, which in those days was owned by the Tribune Company and considered a “sister” paper to the Trib, all the way through to this morning’s TB Times; I read it all, every morning, the front page, the national news, the local news, the sports section, the “funnies” (still my fave part of the paper) and of course, the editorial page, or “op-ed” page as we savvy media veterans refer to it.

Pretty much all the papers I’ve ever seen in this country print, alongside the opinions of the editors on the “op-ed” page, letters they receive from readers, allowing the authors of said letters the opportunity to sound off about this, that and the other subject; it’s been my experience that the “Letters To The Editor”, along with the opinions contained therein, are much like assholes…a) everyone seems to have one and b) most of them stink.

As the Captain and Master of the R U Kidding, as well as the editor of this blog, like newspapers, I often receive letters from my readers, either complaining that I have in one of my posts maligned one of their personal sacred cows or that I have made some comment to which they feel compelled to respond. Since the only things I was contemplating doing this evening were either a) watching reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies in Burmese (with subtitles), b) rewriting Article Two of the United States Constitution and reducing the term of the Presidency down to one week, retroactive back to January 19th, 2017 or c) publishing some of the letters I mentioned above, I decided to take the high road and share some of the more colorful and sophomoric, excuse me, interesting missives that I have received here at the WATRUK blog.

To wit, here are some excerpts that I thought you might enjoy (or that might make you yark into your azaleas)…

“As President of the Society for the Lovers of Pond Scum (SLOPS), I must take serious umbrage with your post of 4/12/18 (IS THIS THE PARTY TO WHOM I’M SPEAKING?) in which you compare President Donald Trump to one of nature’s most misunderstood substances, the great American pond scum. It is a grievous and uncalled-for malignment of this most precious of our native algaes to make this invidious comparison, and I can assure you that, should you continue this foul defamation in future columns, SLOPS will be compelled to mount a boycott of your blog and to suggest to your readers that they not only discontinue their readership, but to also seek you out and whack your peenie. This vile durance will not be tolerated.”

                                                Dan DeLyon, President, SLOPS”

“In your post of 11/29/18 (THOUGHTS ON THE BLOGGER AS AUTHOR) you mention the cruel and frankly sick act of the shaving of a gerbil, perpetrated by a character in one of your sick, twisted stories, and we here at the Society for the Prevention of Animal Zoomorphism (SPAZ) are sickened and angered by this disgusting mistreatment of one of these adorable little rodents. You are a repulsive, sick, despicable, degenerate, twisted, sick, repulsive, gross, nasty, deplorable, twisted, reprehensible, disgusting, sick individual and we most sincerely hope that you contract an advanced case of crotch lice and then die from sclerosis of the blowhole, a lonely and broken man. Thank you.”

                                                Patty Melt, Secretary, SPAZ

“Re your column of 11/14/18 (ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY (AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE)_VERSION 5.0) wherein you state that you and your daughter were “doing disgusting things to our cat with a salad fork”; this is the kind of flagrant abuse of an innocent feline that sick, disgusting, perverted, gross, horrible, degenerate, filthy, lying, sick, degenerate, perverted asswipes such as yourself find amusing. You are disgusting and perverted.”

                                                Laurel Enhardy, Hippo KY

“As the President of the 1910 FruitGum Company Fan Club, and their Number One Fan, I want to thank you for mentioning this most influential and yet sadly now mostly forgotten American rock band in your recent post of 11/14/18 (ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY (AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE)_VERSION 5.0). “Simon Says” rock on, and we “Gummers” agree!”

                                                April Showers, Butt (excuse me) Butte MT

“People here in Idaho (home of the great Grown In Idaho® potato and sister state to Wisconsin, home of sour cream) are frankly damn sick and tired of being made fun of by disgusting, gross, lying, despicable, lying, nasty, gross, disgusting shitwads such as yourself just because we appear russet, sorry, rustic and backwards to you. To imply that Idaho has no universities or institutions of higher learning, as you did in your post of 5/11/18 (A YOUNG MAN AND THE SEA-THE SAGA OF LEAK POHLUPS, BABY SAILOR) is an au graten, excuse me, rotten thing to say, and I think you should be French fried, damn it, vilified for saying it. You are sick, disgusting and reprehensible, and you obviously have no respect for the peelings, shit, feelings of others.”

                                                Jack Cheese, Idaho Falls (down) ID

“I can’t believe you ordered your First Mate Tammie Wetzel thrown overboard 4/1/18 (HOW LONG? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?). You are really a sick, repulsive, gross, unfeeling swine. But hey, I loved your post about the mule who wouldn’t plow (ANYBODY GOT A 2X4 I CAN BORROW 4/24/18). Keep up the good work, you freak.”

                                                Sue Perficial, Pee Pee OH

“Cap’n John, you rock. Love your blog.”

                                                The Behind Bars Reading Group, Stateville                                                                  Penitentiary, Joliet IL

“Cap’n John Krissongs, your application to become a resident of the Home for the Chronically Bewildered has been processed and we are happy to let you know that you have been accepted. Please contact me at your earliest convenience to discuss the details of your residency.”

                                                Juan Atatime, Director

And a big thank you goes out to our Founding Fathers for the wisdom and foresight to ensure that Americans have a free press and freedom of expression…Ben and James and Thomas and all the guys must be spinning in their graves these days.

Love and newsprint,

Cap’n John

Q: WHAT CALIBER OF GUN IS RECOMMENDED FOR APARTMENT HUNTING?

Amidst rumors of growing dissension among the various members of the Board of Directors of the National Rifle Association, including the leaking of the above photo, taken during a garden break at the recent NRA National Convention and Flea Market, that shows several of the Board members having a heated exchange over which has more “stopping power”, a 9mm bullet or a .45? As can be seen from the picture, there is some obvious disagreement between these men.

But a much larger controversy has evolved from this photo since its release, as a formal and strongly worded protest was made to the same NRA Board, regarding the illegal poaching and indiscriminate wearing of exotic mattress covering, as depicted by the clothing of Peter Gunn, the Board member in the direct center of the picture wearing the disputed apparel.

The protest, sent not only to the NRA Board, but also to MSNBC and Rachel Maddox, was made by the Venerable Order of Mattress Inspectors and Testers (VOMIT), and had harsh words for the gun lobbyists in general and Mr. Gunn specifically, who is shown in the photo in a striped, vested suit made from an exotic mattress covering, which was rumored to have been hunted and shot by Mr. Gunn on a recent bedding safari to Cleveland.

“As it is widely recognized today that the exotic mattress covering is becoming increasingly rare in the wild with each passing year, it is absolutely imperative that this covering be protected in all ways to ensure its continued existence,” said VOMIT President Bradley Sussywoots. “We strongly protested, in the most emphatic language, our displeasure in seeing one of the NRA Board members wearing this rare, endangered covering. That’s criminal, or should be, in VOMIT’s opinion.”

When contacted for a response, Mr. Gunn said the following, “I would be happy to show Mr. Sussywoots the business end of my Glock 9 at his earliest convenience.” He then made an unkind remark, which will not be printed here, about the rather diminutive size of a certain part of Mr. Sussywoots’ male anatomy, and hung up.

And in the category of “Sentences I Never In My Wildest Dreams Thought I Would Ever Hear” comes this recent entry…

“As an obese male, his life expectancy can expect to be substantially reduced,” attorney Curtis Fallgatter wrote in a motion…”.

The above is a direct quote from an article in the 10/21/17 edition of the Tampa Bay Times (“All The News You Need Sometimes”); I neither edited, added or altered. (The lousy English is also not mine…I know better.)

Mr. Fallgatter’s (a name I know you would swear I made up, but I didn’t) client is some guy who is a) 5’9’ tall and weighs 273 pounds and has b) recently been convicted of selling a bogus “Business Protection Plan” to rich investors and business owners as a tax avoidance scheme by kicking back 85% of the Plan’s premiums to the holder, after the premiums had been deducted as a legitimate business expense. The attorney was seeking a reduction in his client’s sentence, which was set by the court at 4 years and 6 months…the judge denied the motion, made an unkind remark about what assholes all lawyers and fat guys are, and adjourned.

And finally today, I believe I stumbled onto, inadvertently, a sign of approaching Apocalypse…I was reading about still another of our President’s latest fiascos, and this thought popped in my head, quite unbidden…”By comparison, this Trump asshole is even starting to make ol’ “W” look good.”

I immediately retired to the bathroom for a vigorous session of yarking.

Love and boxsprings,

Cap’n John

Post Script…YES, THAT WAS THE BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS, THAT BEAT THE CHICAGO CUBS IN THE NLCS LIKE A RENTED MULE AND IS NOW AWAITING THE OUTCOME OF THE ALCS BETWEEN THE NEW YORK YANKEES/HOUSTON ASTROS, TO KNOW WHO THEY WILL HAVE TO CRUSH ON THEIR WAY TO BECOMING THE 2017 WORLD CHAMPIONS.

Post Post Script…finally.

Post Toasties…and because I really like you guys, here’s Dickey Betts and Great Southern doing a Betts’ tune called “Bouganvillea”…it is one of the most beautiful rock songs I’ve ever heard, and Betts is superb with his playing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZmwULnL62g

Good night, and good hunting.