SPAM SPAM AND SPAM_AGAIN

I’ve never been much of a TV person.

I never watched Seinfeld…I didn’t like Jerry Seinfeld as a stand-up comedian (he wasn’t funny), and I saw just enough of the show from outtakes, commercials, etc. to think that both Jason Alexander and Michael Richards were roving assholes, although what’s-her-name, Julia King Louie Dreyfuss is a cutie. Never watched Big Bang Theory when it was on, have no idea what it was about, never once saw Everybody Loves Raymond and I’ve never seen Game of Thrones. I did occasionally watch Friends back in its heyday; I think Jennifer Aniston is breathtakingly gorgeous and always thought Joey (Matt LeBlanc) was hysterical. (Case in point…Joey explaining a “moo point”.

If it weren’t for a handful of movies on TCM every month, and of course sports (I come from a family of baseball players/fans, as well as following NFL football, college basketball, college softball and tiddlywinks), I wouldn’t even bother to own a TV set, especially with all the streaming online these days. (You guys remember Peter Paul and the Apostles’ big hit We Can Make A Shoe Smell and A Tiddly Wink, So Why Can’t We Eat Meat On Fridays? PP and A went on to become Peter Paul and Larry, and had another huge hit with Puff the Magic Llama.)

But I did watch a bunch of television back when I was a kid; TV and I were born around the same time and grew up together. That’s where the comparison ends however; at least I matured into a semi-decent human being, where television has become every bit of that “vast wasteland” Newton Minow once said it was.

Back then there were Westerns by the carload (Gunsmoke, Rawhide, Bonanza), lots of comedies (Car 54, Father Knows Best, Dick Van Dyke) and even the news guys were cool in those days (Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley, Severeid).

And a ton of kid’s shows, especially if you grew up in the Chicago-land area, as I did. There were Bozo’s Circus, Kukla, Fran and Ollie, The Mickey Mouse Club from out in California, and my fave, Garfield Goose and Friend.

Yes, “friend”, singular; the friend was the host and only human on the show, a man named Frazier Thomas, who created the show and the puppets, which all the characters were, back in 1950. GG wore a crown…he was “King of the United States”. Thomas wore a uniform, to denote his position as GG’s “Prime Minister”. There was Romberg Rabbit, Macintosh Mouse, Chris Goose, GG’s nephew, so named for being hatched on Christmas and a thoroughly laconic bloodhound named Beauregard Burnside III, in a completely esoteric reference to two Union generals from the Civil War.

GG was a hand puppet, so only his mouth moved, although the puppeteer, a lady named Lee Ann Prineus, had several hand movements that managed to give GG “facial expressions”, as it were. They showed cartoons like Space Angel and Clutch Cargo, had all kinds of silly scenarios where GG and Thomas and the other characters interacted, and in general it was a pretty good show. (Clutch Cargo had a companion, a young boy named Spinner, who was his “ward”, and a dog named Paddlefoot plus an apparently serious psilocybin problem that only surfaced when he named things, like his ward and his dog. Spinner and Paddlefoot? Really?)

I got to thinking about G. Goose et al. just last week while reading about President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump’s triumphant visit to England and the various events he and FLOTUS Melanoma were involved in with the Royals, who apparently are originally from Kansas City. Our rotund Pres did everything he could to live up to his delusion of himself as King Donald the First and seemed to come off as the buffoon he mostly is in the process. Sorry, Your Eminence, but you might think of yourself as KD #1, but you weren’t the first king of the US; that was Garfield. And isn’t it an interesting comparison, PTB and an egocentric, self-absorbed and self-delusional hand puppet from a TV show?

I’ve often wondered what exactly the “Royal Family” does, besides sit around and be royal and get mentioned in a bajillion headlines for being, well, royal. Almost as useless as our President, at least they aren’t actively offensive.

Speaking of things British (holy segue, Batman), I’ve been receiving a plethora of junk emails recently (“spam” messages, and immediately there comes to mind the British comedy show Month Python’s skit “Spam, Spam and Spam”…talk about esoteric) that I thought I would share with you, once again as I did several weeks ago, just in case you aren’t getting enough of these yourselves.

~From FungusAmongUs Inc., Creator of “FungAway”:

                “Are you afflicted with toe fungus? Do your toes look like they belong to the space creature in a sci-fi movie? Are your feet so ugly that they remind people of something they saw at the local zoo? Do you have excess vaginal mucus or accidental bowel leakage? Well, we can’t cure those last two things, but FungusAmongUs Inc., maker of BaldyLocks Hair For Men tonic, has a NEW product that will restore the youthful beauty of your toes and makes a dandy wax-stripper for your kitchen floors as well! If your feet look like they belong to something that climbs trees, then you need FungAway® Fungus and Floor Wax Remover! Guaranteed 100% effective against most types of common toe funguses and everyday floor polishes! FungAway® is safe, non-addicting and sold with a money-back guarantee! Try FungAway today, and get those kitchen and bathroom floors sparkling again!”

~From Dr. Sabana Zongo:

                “I am Dr. Sabana Zongo I Have a Business Proposal of $5.3 million For You. I am aware of the unsafe nature of the window internet, and was compelled to use this medium due to the natural of this project. I have access to every vital information that can be good safe to transfer this huge amount of money, which may culminate into the banana investment of the said funds into your company or any lucrative venture deposit of your country. If you will like to consist me as a partner then indicate your patio interest, after which we shall both discuss the modalities and the sharing percentage. Upon receipt of your reply on your expression of Interest, I will give you full details on how the business will be executed. I am open for special negotiation. Thanks for your anticipated conflagration. Note you might receive this message in your inbox or spam or junk folder, depends on your web host or ruler server network mostly. Regards, Dr. Sabana Zongo.”

~From BigPrizeForYou:

                “You never responded about your winning of US$ 1,450.000.00 in Free GOOGLE/MICROSOFT/MOBILE AWARD PRIZE, with +ref: no SA712R to redeem it, email us on: GOOGLE.MICROSOFT@bigmir.net, with ref: no [SA712R] or contact your [OVERSEAS CLAIMS AGENT]. Please find the attached. Do not reply back to this senders email address, it is sent via computer virtual assistance for response will not be read by Human but computer Therefore you must contact the fiduciary agents by phone and email address provided in the attached tomorrow twice.”

~From BloodSuck Visa:

                “Poor credit or no credit? Is your FICO score lower than Donald Trump’s IQ? Turned down more times than a thermostat? WE APPROVE EVERYONE! That’s right, Third World Bank and Tire Center approves 100% of applicants that have 1) a pulse, 2) fewer than eight jobs in the past two months and 3) no murder convictions in the last 10 years! Call or text us at 1-800-DEDBEAT today to apply!”

~From Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative, IMF:

                “Attention Beneficiary: This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been experiencing in getting your long overdue payment, due to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank
officials and slutty Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you by pliers. I am Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative gyrate with the IMF (International Monetary Fund) and I have totally received these reports of your uneasy treatment for getting your funds deposited to great access and I have been chosen to put a stop to this by Mr. Donald Trump giving me permission floral. All NGOs, Government agencys, tire centers and BINGO was his name-o have been instructed to BACK OFF and no more contact you rightly again. Please do not respond to these fertile creatures ever. I Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative mantis is only for your direct contact and fiduciary payment acceptance. Send me your phone number, hat size, bank account number, password, first born child, Social Obscurity number and Publisher’s Clearing House lozenge size to Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative for imposition finally this day weekly.”

And from Mr. P.T. Barnum, who once said that there’s a sucker born every minute, and they typically vote Republican, comes this timeless observance:

“Advertising is to the genuine article what manure is to land…it largely increases the product.”

Love and hyperbole,

Cap’n John

Post Script: And per comedian Jeff Foxworthy, if your bra size is 44Long, you’re probably a redneck, and a Trump supporter. Okay, I paraphrased that a bit.

SPAM SPAM AND SPAM

(Editor’s note: this week’s post is dedicated to my co-worker and good buddy Ms. Megan, a super-nice young lady who has a mega-watt smile and a serious case of major sweetiness. She’s a joy to work with, and even better, a fan of the Cap’n, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is absolutely no accounting for taste.)

Over the past almost four years that I have resided here in the Gunshine State I have on several occasions remarked on the varied and extensive wildlife that populates the Gulf Coast here in Central Florida; to say that we have a poop-load of species, both common and exotic, would be the understatement of the millennia. (Of course, we’re only 18+ years into the current millennia, so greater understatements over the next eighty-one and one half years are certainly possible.)

Alligators, ibises by the truckload, green iguanas by the container-load, anoles lizards in quantities so vast as to defy counting, sand-hill cranes, some of the strangest looking ducks I’ve ever seen, hippopotamuseses, cardinals, dolphins, armadillos, otters, manatees, opossums (I’m assuming they’re Irish), key deer, lock deer, camels, llamas, panthers, skinks and, every spring in numbers so vast as to be nearly suffocating, love bugs.

That’s right, ceiling fans, love bugs.

Piecia neartica, also known as “march flies” or in the more common parlance, a bigger pain in the ass than our current President, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, the little fornicators are EVERYWHERE. Literally. And not just by the dozens or the hundreds or the thousands or the millions but by the gazillions. The other day at work at the Publix grocery store where I’m employed part-time as a bagger, just inside the main entrance which is protected by one of those automatic doors that opens as people approach from either side, I counted over two hundred of the “couples” (I’ll explain that in a moment), lying about on the floor, on the window sills of the big plate-glass windows, on the windows themselves, on the carts just inside the door, flying through the air, on the hand sanitizer dispenser, on the walls, on the “Caution Wet Floor” holder thingie, on the bulletin board, every friggin’ place you can imagine and a few you probably can’t. They’re invasive and they’re disgusting. (Much like some of my ex-in-laws.)

These little fuckers are so named “love bugs” because they stay “coupled” during and after mating, even when flying, for several days post-coitus. (According to scientists, the female of each pair is the one who does the flying, as the male has rolled over and gone to sleep.)

Fortunately the damned things don’t bite or sting, but by a curious fact of their nature, they have a slightly acidic body chemistry; if one of the couples (or several bajillion) die on the surface of your car, the remains are difficult to remove and can cause “pits and etches” in automotive paint finishes. No big deal for me and my 1989 Yugo, but the folks with new Beemers and/or Studebakers can’t be too pleased.

Once believed by urban legend to be the result of a University of Florida genetics experiment gone WAY wrong, it is now widely thought that P. neartica have been inflicted upon Florida as retribution by Mother Nature for giving Supreme Ruler of the Universe Trump its 29 electoral votes in the 2016 Presidential election.

It is difficult to describe how disgusting it is to see these repulsive creatures flying by, wings wrapped about each other, smoking their little bug cigarettes, smug and content in their post-coital bliss.

As if hurricanes and the gun-toting Republicans weren’t bad enough.

Speaking of disgusting and invasive (yes, that was a segue, a literary device seldom used here on the WATRUK blog), I’ve noted an increase in the amount, and in many ways the inventiveness, of the junk emails that I have been receiving lately. Since I have both a personal email address (obnoxious@poopmail.com) as well as one for the WATRUK blog (krissongs@hotmail.com), I’m blessed with double the pleasure and fun, like the old ads for Wrigley’s DoubleMint gum, of folks sending me all kinds of offers, tips, warnings, gifts, notifications, etc., every day.

Yes, I am truly blessed.

Since I know none of the rest of you out there in InternetLand ever receives these messages, I thought I would take a moment today and share with you some of the more interesting and informative ones that I’ve gotten recently.

~From Mr. Nagutrjus Huryfgrwws, President of the Third Nigerian Bank and Tire Center:

                “I am writing you this day tomorrow to tell you of a sad dying of Mrs. Styrpdf Dghbarmj, just of lately, who left in her account pigeons the sum of $5,000,000,000 USD, and not claimed by hairs or relations tenants and so to be distributed to those worthy doughnuts as by decree to from Mrs. Dghbarmj, should the money not be claimed by vandals or surfers. Your name has come to attention of my orifice, as being on the list of rhinos not currently displaced, and I need information from your person as to where to send any portion yours of the $5,000,000,000 USD soon yesterday. Please give your name, address, cellphone number, hat size, bank account number, password, Social Security number, name of first-born children mantis, suit size and favorite flavor of ice cream dispersely and I will forward your part of the $5,000,000,000 USD soon last week tonight. And do not be taken in congeal by others on Internet with offers to yes money as they are lying, love bug hating llama defilers and only want to blowtorch your goodwill roughly.

                Sincerely, Mr. Nagutrjus Huryfgrwws, President,

                Fourth Nigerian Bank of Nairobi Switzerland”

~From DHL:

                “Your package cannot be delivered due to indifference of the address as we know debenture so closely. Please provide your name, correct address, cellphone number, hat size, bank account number, password, Social Security number, name of first-born children, suit size and favorite flavor of ice cream so we can upbraid your address and deliver love bugs.”

~From Big Dicks R’ Us:

                “Tired of being in a locker room full of guys hung like stud horses when you’re hung like a stud chipmunk? Tired of being called Tiny Tim, or having your girl ask, is it in? If so, then RIP-A-DICK is for you! That’s right, the all new and completely safe MALE ENHANCEMENT compound, tested and declared potent by the FBDA (Federal Big Dicks Agency), RIP-A-DICK is the new chosen path to the size women love! Recent experiments on love bugs in Florida have resulted in male member increases that boggle the mind! Men everywhere are praising RIP-A-DICK as the wonder of the 21st century! Try RIP-A-DICK today!”

~From Dr. Halie Unlikely, M.D.:

                “If you’ve tried all the fad diets and weight-loss programs on the market today with no success, seen and heard all the fake ads for “lose up to 3000 pounds eating nothing but Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey Ice Cream and Carrot Cake Oreos everyday”, then you’ll be pleased to learn that a NEW physician-tested weight loss program is now here and available. That’s right, if your weight is almost the same as a North Atlantic right whale, then the Dr. Unlikely Weight Reduction Plan Diet is for you! There’s no weekly weigh-ins, no calorie counting, no special milkshakes or “mix with water” powders that leave you hungry enough to eat the north end of a south bound iguana, just delicious pre-packaged meals and desserts that satisfy your appetite and empty your bank account. Don’t wait, try the new Dr. Unlikely Weight Reduction Plan Diet today and start losing those unwanted pounds immediately, if not sooner.”

~From Svetlana Titslova:

                “Hi there, remember me? We talked on the Web recently and I sent you my picture…you know, the one of me in the string bikini? Sorry about the hairy legs but I LUVED your comment about being into Russian girls with three breasts and defiling llamas and thought we should “hook up” again. You’re a real stud muffin, I’m sure. Send me your name, correct address, cellphone number, hat size, bank account number, password, Social Security number, name of first-born children, suit size and favorite flavor of ice cream and let’s get it on! Can’t wait to hear from you, macho dude! Svetlana”

Makes you really grateful for the “Empty Folder” icon, doesn’t it?

Love and love bugs,

Cap’n John

Post Script…FYI, krissongs@hotmail.com is a for-real address that you can send any comments, complaints, ideas, gripes and observations you might have. Play your cards right and I might even answer. CJK