THIS MEETING IS NOW CALLED TO ORDER AND I MOVE WE ADJOURN_PART TWO

(Two attractive, middle-aged naked women are seen sitting next to each other at a kitchen table, holding steaming cups of some liquid and talking back and forth…

Ann, lowering her voice conspiratorially: “Penny, have you ever heard of ABL?”

Penelope: “JBL? Umm, I think so. Yeah, Rick has some speakers for that ancient stereo he has in the basement, they’re called JBLs. Why?”

Ann, slightly disgusted: “No, A-B-L, not JBL, you ninny. Geez.”

Penelope: “What’s ABL?”

Ann, leaning forward and lowering her voice even more: “Accidental Bowel Leakage.”

Penelope, pausing, apparently thinking about what Ann had just said: “Bowel Leakage? Does that mean what I think it means? Like, your butt is leaking? Eeeyew, gross.

#######

We interrupt today’s episode of BOATING WITH PLIERS, “The Best Places To Get Llama Spleens”, to bring you the second half of the exclusive copy of an audio tape obtained recently by RUKME of a White House meeting last week on the pandemics now facing America. You will recall, the first half was aired last Thursday, right here on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog.

Hello, everyone, I’m Thor Buttucks with, as we promised last week, Chapter Two of the very revealing audio tape of the meeting in the Cabinet Room of the White House on March 20th between President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump and his senior staff and advisors, about the newest threat facing this country, Covfefe-20, the “cartablancavirus”, as it’s being called.

When we left off last week, the President and staff were taking a lunch break and were busily consuming a meal of Big Macs, fries, assorted other McDonalds comestibles and various flavors of milkshakes or sodas…

##AUDIO TAPE/MEETING/CABINET ROOM/13MAR20/1145 EST##

President “Tweety Bird”, talking with his mouth full: “Tonk, how can you sit there and eat two Macs, a large fry, a 4-piece Chicken McNuggets, a Happy Meal and a baked apple pie and then wash it all down with a large Diet Coke? What kind of diet is that?”

Tonka Trump, daughter of PTB and wife of Jared “Kush” Kushner, sounding annoyed: “Hey, Daaad, I have two words for you, and they aren’t ‘let’s dance’, okay?”

(At this point, a door is heard to open in the background, and all chewing and slurping and the various consumption noises come to a halt.)

Paula White, Spiritual Advisor to PTB: “Ah, Mr. President, Your Worship, I, ah, I’m very surprised, sir, to see you eating…I, uh, have that special “Prayer of Thanksgiving and Vengeance” you asked me to prepare for today, Your Holiness.”

PTB, nonchalantly: “Sorry, I got hungry and decided not to wait for you.”

White, sounding rather dejected: “I see, Mr. President.”

Tonka: “Hey, Dad, how ‘bout if Ms. White says her prayer now? We’re pretty much done eating anyway.”

PTB, sounding a little disgusted: “Yeah, sure, go ahead, Patty.”

White: “Ah, it’s Paula, Your Grace.”

PTB: “Patty, Paula, whatever…let’s get on with it.”

White is heard to rustle some papers and then clears her throat: “Heavenly Father, we thank you for this meal we are about, ah, that we have already consumed and ask Your blessing on this gathering. We come together here today in fellowship, good Christian soldiers, Lord, dedicated to spreading Your Holy Word and to smiting Your enemies, the spawn of Satan, the liberal Democrats, and sending them to fiery perdition as they so desperately deserve. We are resolute in this blessed quest, this movement to rid America of the hated left-wing idolaters, worshipers of the flesh and of fiery liquors and…”

PTB, interrupting White: “Ah, thank you, Peggy, great prayer, very nice. Ah, Chief of Staff guy, what is it again, Mark Meadows?, yeah, Mark, would you escort Peggy back to your office and get her one of those fancy White House full-color guidebooks?”

White, is heard to yell just before a door closes in the background: “I love you, Mr. Presi…”

PTB: “My God, where did we find that broad? Okay, is everyone done stuffing themselves? Can we clean up and get back to the meeting? I gotta’ get a handle on this cartablacavirus thing and soon, okay? Mnuchin, is this new bug going to put the market in the shitter again, ‘cause I’m pretty sure we’ve got a problem in November if it does.”

Steve Mnuchin, Secretary of the Treasury: “Mr. President, Your Wonderfulness, although there’s no way to tell, yes, I believe there’s a definite chance that the stock market will drop precipitously if we have another pandemic crisis on our hands, which we obviously do, making my prediction even more…”

PTB: “Blaady fuckin’ blah blah blah, and yada yada yada. Hey, Finance Boy, what are we going to do about this virus, huh? Could I have less bullshit and some more serious answers?”

Tonka: “Dad, you’re not going to go nuts on Twitter again, are you? You know, that doesn’t help make things any better. You just look like a big orange cheeseball to the voters, and you embarrass Mom and I.”

PTB, in a mocking, child-like voice: “Hey Daaad, I’ve got two words for you and they aren’t ‘let’s dance’, okay? (Goes back to his normal voice.) “One more smart-ass remark from you, Tinker Bell, and you can go sit over there with your husband Dummy and Mr. Pants there.”

Mike Pence, VP: “Ah, Your Eminence, sir, that’s Pence, remember? P-E-N-C-E, not Pants.”

PTB: “Hey, nobody asked you, Mr. Smarty Pants…hey, that’s pretty good, Smarty Pants, get it? Bwa-ha-ha-ha…”

(There is another burst of Presidential laughter, followed by laughter from everyone else in the room. When the President stops laughing abruptly, all the other laughter stops immediately.)

PTB: “Don’t ANY of you geniuses have a clue about how to respond to this bug, for crissake. What am I paying you assholes for, anyway? C’mon, I need some ideas here.”

Tucker Carlson, FOX News Commentator: “Uh, Mr. President, sir, how about announcing that, um, something like ‘We believe that Silver Solution can cure cartablancavirus and we recommend that everyone should get some immediately’ or words along those lines. We put the responsibility on the people and we can even make that numbfuck Jim Bakker give us a kickback on sales.”

PTB: “Tuck, that’s brilliant. Bill, where would we be legally on this?”

William Barr, Attorney General: “Well, Your Grace, if the wording of the announcement is really vague, you know, ‘BELIEVE it cures’, or ‘POSSIBLY will help’, and ‘no guarantees, might not work for some’, yeah, I think we could pull that off with no problem.”

PTB: “FINALLY, an idea I can use. Fauci, how’s the science on this “Silver Lotion” or whatever it’s called?”

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the NIAID: “Mr. President, it’s called “Silver Solution” and it is basically snake-oil, sir. It has no medical value whatsoever and it couldn’t cure a hangnail, let alone cartablancavirus…the product is a joke. Putting your name on this crap as a cure for Covfefe-20 will make you look ridiculous.”

PTB: “Except to my base, who believe anything I say. You know what, Fauci, sometimes you’re a real pain in the ass. Who appointed you Director of the AIDS thingie, anyway?”

Fauci: “I was appointed by President Reagan back in 1984, sir.”

PTB: “Reagan? Holy crap, what are you, 90? Geez. Hey, you a Republican or a Democrat?”

Fauci: “When I’m speaking officially, sir, I’m neither, I’m a doctor.”

PTB: “Well lahdy fuckin’ la-de-da, aren’t you King Shit of Turd Mountain? Tell you what, DOCTOR, you’re excused. We’ll let you know if and when we make the announcement about this Golden Lotion shit so you can be on the podium, supporting this Administration.”

Fauci: “Yes, sir.” (Fauci is heard to mutter something under his breath, which sounded like ‘fat chance, orange boy’ and then a chair is heard to scrape across the floor, followed by footsteps and another closing door.)

PTB: “When this whole mess is over, remind me to fire that guy. What an asshole. Okay, Pants, you’re in charge of the Virus Response Team, or whatever they call it, how are the states doing getting supplies, you know, like masks and escalators and all that other medical crap?”

Pence: “Sir, Your Supremeness, you told me to sit over here and keep my mouth shut, remember? I don’t have any idea how they’re doing. You told all the governors that there wouldn’t be any Federal help, that they were on their own, so I haven’t paid any attention to it, sir.”

PTB: “That’s right, I did, and you know why? ‘Cause I’m not having ANY of those cry-babies coming back and blaming me when they can’t get enough suppositories or band aids or whatever they say they need. Not my problem. And another thing, now that I’m thinking about it, where does that cocksucker Joe Biden get off, telling me to ‘do my job’ in front of the whole country? I hate that prick. And what about that asshole Geez or Peez or whatever his Commie name is over there in China, blaming us for the China virus when he knows damn good and well that it came from his heathen country, that’s another guy I’d like to hang up by his balls and that fuckin’ Pelosi broad, god, I’d like to toss her ass in the Potomac River some dark night, she’s such a…”

PART TWO ENDS…

There are more of President Trump’s remarks on the tape, but they became mostly inarticulate at this point, and the meeting was adjourned shortly thereafter, so RUKME editors decided to stop the transcript here.

We here at RUKME hope you found this report informative. Thank you for being with us.

(Voiceover announcer…)

“We now return you to our regularly scheduled program, The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, S4E10, where the boys decide that the only real cure for Accidental Bowel Leakage will come in November.”

Love and tape recorders,

Cap’n John

IT SAID “PRESS RELEASE” SO I DID

****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE****

July 2, 2019

“Mr. Anuj Agarwal, founder and president of Feedspot.com, the RSS and website ranking service, announced today that the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog has been added to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET list, effective immediately.

When asked to comment on the prestigious addition, Captain and Master of the R U Kidding as well as editor of the WATRUK blog Cap’n John Krissongs was quoted as saying, “Wow, I haven’t been this excited since Missy Wallace lost her top doing a half-gainer off the 10-meter board at our local pool back in 10th grade.” Cap’n John went on to say that with this inclusion and a five dollar bill, he could buy a Vente Frappuccino almond latte with no foam, no WD40, no soy, extra Frisbees with a shot of mitten sauce.

Memorial arrangements were incomplete pending notification of the next-of-kin.”

I checked out Mr. Agarwal’s site after I received his email advising me of this “prestigious addition” the other day and found that the WATRUK blog was actually #110 on the Feedspot Humor Blog Hit Parade, with a bullet, so either AA fibbed a little or he can’t count for shit.

But that’s okay, because if his site and their “rankings list” brings more readers to the WATRUK blog, I’m all for it. For some time now I’ve wanted to increase my number of loyal readers from the current level (three) to something more significant (four) and hopefully this is a giant step towards achieving that goal.

I Googled “what is RSS” just before I started writing this post and spent several minutes attempting to decipher the digital-age gibberish, to little avail. I remember a time, back in the 1800s, when I considered myself fairly savvy vis-à-vis anything “computer” but these days I get the feeling that I’m qualified to be Tampa Bay’s entrant in the 2019 “Digital Moron of the Year” contest.

Shit.

Anyway, to all the faithful Kidders out there in DigitalLand, happy 4th of July.

According to various history books, online sites such as WikiPedia, noted defragmenters and mega-hertz graphics hierarchies (beats me, I told you I was a computer moron), the Declaration of Independence of the American colonies from the mother-ship Great Britain was only ADOPTED on 7/4; it wasn’t actually signed by all 54 notaries until August 2nd, 1776, due to some delay in the cross-platform. Not only did I learn all this from my research on the July 4th holiday, I also learned that, per the biometrics, over 150 MILLION hot dogs are consumed by Americans each 4th, which if placed end to end, would stretch from L.A. to Washington D.C. and back five times. I’m assuming the 150M number would include the 71 eaten today by this year’s Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest winner Joey Chestnut, which has to be one the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. I wanna’ go out back and yark in the azaleas just thinking about eating SEVENTY-ONE HOT DOGS AT ONE SITTING.

Gross.

But since it’s newsworthy, R U Kidding Media Events will be sending correspondent Al Pinevalley to cover the festivities at New York’s Coney Island this year. Better known by its acronym RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby Do), you will recall that the most recent addition to the world of online news sites was launched back on 5/17/19, and has been providing up-to-the-minute reporting on such media events as the Nathan’s Contest (see above, above), the signing of the Dec of Inde and the recent screening of the new flick from filmmaker Wade Ingpool, “Zombie Sluts From Cleveland”, which is already being given some Academy Award consideration in the “Blockchain Cache” category.

Which leads me right into this week’s topic, recent news headlines, which is easily the smoothest segue you’ll ever see on the WATRUK blog, believe me.

Denary desk-checking.

~Dateline Washington D. C.:

                “Only 14 People Attend Massive 4th Of July Celebration In Nation’s Capital!”

                Despite spending $250 gazillion of the taxpayer’s money and inviting and providing free tickets to every conservative asshat in the country, only 14 people showed up at the supposed-to-be gala Independence Day Celebration orchestrated by President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump on Thursday, 7/4. Although the mega-event was billed as a “Celebration of America” rather than the political rally it actually was, it featured U.S. military tanks and other rolling hardware on parade, flyovers by Air Force One and the Blue Angels Flight Demonstration Squad, various GOP members of Congress dressed and made-up as clowns (normal attire), dancing bears, women in skimpy outfits, each with their own bodyguard to protect them from the President and rock legend-in-his-own-mind Ted Nugent playing “America the Beautiful” on guitar while dressed in a red, white and blue jockstrap. When asked about the abysmal attendance, the President stated that it was the “largest crowd to ever witness a spectacle in D.C. history, just like my inauguration.” (PTB had asked Russian President For Life Vladimir Putin to provide Russian tanks and hardware for the festivities, but Dictator and Trump BFF Putin declined, stating that “Donnie is my good friend but he’s such a crook he’d probably keep everything we sent over.”)

~Dateline Washington D.C. (again):

                “DNC Says Another Debate Planned In Response To Trump’s Failed July 4th Celebration”

                Democratic National Committee Chairperson Tom “Republicans Are Lying Snotwads” Perez announced today that, in response to what he called the “partisan and completely bogus” 4th of July celebration staged today in the nation’s capital by President Trump, all 356 Democratic Presidential hopefuls would be invited to participate in another debate next week. When questioned in an exclusive interview with RUKME correspondent Marshall Law about including ALL the current candidates in one giant cluster-fuck, thus limiting their response times dramatically, Perez said, “All Americans need to see and hear the Demo…” as his time ran out. Senator Bernie “Colonel” Sanders, one of the huge group of Democrats hoping for the party’s 2020 nomination, immediately tweeted that he would only participate if “we can give away a bajillion dollars to each and every taxpayer in the country.”

~Dateline Washington D.C. (once more):

                “Cold War Spies Boris and Natasha Offer To Assist President Trump With Dirt On 2020 Dem Candidate”

                RUKME has learned that, in response to President Trump’s comments several weeks ago that he would be willing to listen to any “dirt” on his Democratic opponent in the 2020 Presidential campaign from foreign sources, Trump Campaign Manager Brad “I Have No Shame” Parscale was contacted by Cold War spies/Russian agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, who offered to provide “dirt” to the President’s campaign on any Democratic nominee. Badenov and Fatale, besides being spies, were also featured in the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” cartoons in the 1960s, which would make them perfect conspirators for the Trump reelection effort. When contacted by RUKME correspondent Warren Peace, both Badenov and Fatale said that they just wanted to get even with “moose and squirrel”, alluding to Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose, who are both Democrats, and then declined further comment.

~Dateline Pyongyang North Korea:

                “Kim Says Will Halt Nuclear Proliferation If Given California”

                Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of North Korea and “great person born of heaven” Kim Jong-un said today that, in return for America giving him the State of California, he would voluntarily halt all nuclear testing in his country, effective “sometime, maybe tomorrow or in the next century perhaps”. The North Korean dictator and BFF to American President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump further stated that if he wasn’t given title to the “Golden State” he would immediately launch missiles on San Francisco, despite the fact that his nuclear arsenal only has the capability of reaching halfway across the Pacific, even with a tail-wind. When asked by RUKME correspondent Jena Rator about the lack of distance capability of his rockets, Kim said “no comment” and then rushed off to play with his G.I. Joe Action Figures.

~Dateline Forest City IA:

                “RV Manufacturer Announces New ‘Mitch McConnell’ Line of RVs”

                Recreational vehicle manufacturer Winnebago announced today that it will be launching its new “Mitch McConnell” line of RVs in the immediate future. Company President Chuck Wagon stated that Winnebago was motivated to create the “new and exciting” line of campers to represent the “integrity and honesty” of the current Senate Majority Leader, and that they expected huge sales of the new vehicle. Wagon went on to say that the camper (pictured below) would be available in only one color, Republican Red, and that it would have no options, just an empty space in the rear, in keeping with McConnell’s far right-wing legislative programs.

Well, at least if His Eminence, our dear President, decided to declare RUKME stories “fake news”, he’d actually be right for once.

Love and Betsy Ross,

Cap’n John