ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY, AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE_VOL X

(Editor’s note: Today’s post is dedicated to a young man for whom I have a truckload of respect and admiration, my soon to be “ex-boss” at the Publix grocery store where I work part-time, Brian K. He’s leaving us, to move onward and upward, and will be sorely missed. Good luck, buddy, and remember, you can call me any time you need help or advice.

The philosopher and novelist George Santayana has been quoted as saying that “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”, which at once sounds both quite sage and the best explanation for people falling prey to multiple marriages. 

According to Karl Marx, patron saint of the Communist movement and brother to Groucho, Harpo and Chico, “History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce”, words we will remember on Wednesday, November 4th, 2020 should this country lose its collective mind and reelect Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump for another four years as President. You will also recall that Obi-Wan Kenobi urged Luke Skywalker to use it.

And as Rodney Dangerfield once said, a comment I have often quoted, “I’m so old, when I was in school we didn’t even HAVE history.”

So history will be the theme of today’s post; I considered writing about “llama intestines” as a theme, but in deference to the delicate sensibilities of my loyal readers (all several of you), I decided against that idea. I’m sure some of you, sensibilities notwithstanding, will be disappointed.

You know who you are.

On this date in history:

~In 1974, then President Richard M. Nixon, facing almost certain impeachment for his role in the Watergate break-in fiasco, announced that he was resigning from office effective immediately. Had it been prohibited by our Constitution, Mr. Nixon could easily have been impeached for being arrogant and inept, an ugly combination in any human being, as we’re seeing with the current resident of the White House. As it was, the charges against him were Obstruction of Justice, Contempt of Congress, Failure to Reduce Speed, Being a Republican and General Mopery, who did it in the Conservatory with the Revolver. (Sorry, that was Colonel Mustard…I get those two confused sometimes. I did write about the board game Clue last week, if you’re interested.) Here’s hoping someone at the White House mentions this bit of history to Mr. Trump, and that he then has a sudden and quite unexpected 180° change of heart and follows Mr. Nixon’s example. As comedian Judy Tenuta often says, “Hey, it could happen.”

~In 1879, in the Mexican state of Morelos, Emiliano Zapata was born. He was renowned for a) being a key figure in the peasant revolution of 1910 against the land-owning hacendados in Morelos, b) having an awesome ‘stache and c) since “zapata” in Spanish means “shoe”, being the first revolutionary leader in the world to be named for footwear.

~In 1846, in an attempt to prohibit the expansion of slavery to the new territories in the West, the Wilmot Proviso was proposed in Congress, and in the debate that followed, much to our chagrin today, the Republican Party was born. Several current historians have suggested that we go back, exhume the various Congressional leaders of that time, give each of them a good smack on the side of the head and then rebury them. And here’s some food for thought…the same Republican Party that gave us Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt and Dwight Eisenhower has now graced us with Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell, which if we were to use a food analogy for the genealogy of the GOP, could be considered “chocolate-covered dog turds”.

~In 1588, the English armada, led by Commodore Lionel Ritchie, in one of those interminable wars that they seemed to fight incessantly over there in Europe in those days, defeated the Spanish fleet in a decisive battle off the northern coast of France. (And as a nod to Mr. Ritchie, the town I live in here in Central Florida, New Port Richey, is named for his brother, who was at one time a prominent local proctologist.)

~And in 1096, a Slabovian peasant named Elwood Pudlooper decided, after much soul searching and contemplation, that he would follow Knight and Lord of the local fief Sir Sean of Connery on a crusade to liberate the Holy Lands from the heathens of SPECTRE, at least according to novelist and accidental historian Sir Ian Fleming. (Geez, is there anyone over there in the UK that they HAVEN’T made a Knight? Sir Elton John, are you kidding me?)

And in the history of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, I have received and continue to receive many letters, emails, texts, telegrams and carrier pigeon messages from my loyal readers seeking advice about their love lives, or the obvious lack thereof. I thought, for your edification, that I would share with you some of the more pathetic, err, excuse me, of the more heart-rending of these missives.

Of course, asking me for advice on affaires de coeur is rather like asking your dog to explain Einstein’s theory of relativity. Or as comedian Larry the Cable Guy once put it, “It’s like wiping before you poop, it don’t make no sense.”

Yes.

“Cap’n John:

                I am an author of political manifestos, single and in my early 30’s, and although I believe that “religion is the opium of the people”, I am having no luck finding a suitable female partner with whom to share everything I have, my work and life. I thought that I might eventually meet my “special someone” at a political rally or a Bund meeting, for I am a very “social” person, but I have had no luck. My partner Friedrich even offered to fix me up with his sister Helga, but the Engels are a strict German family and wouldn’t allow it. I’m lonely in my “worker’s paradise”. Can you help me, Cap’n John?

                                Groucho’s Younger Bother Karl”

Dear Brother:

                Yawohl, you Marxist asshat, have you tried living in a commune? Maybe if there’s a group of women from which you can choose your luck might be better. Just don’t try to impress any of them with your money.

“Dear Cap’n John:

                I’m female, 22 years old and a student at a local college, working part-time at a grocery store as a cashier to pay for my education. Lately I find myself VERY attracted to one of my co-workers, a young man in his late 20’s who is quite handsome, very nice and, according to several of his buddies, hung like a stud horse. We’ve spoken on many occasions, had some good conversations and he seems interested in me, but it also seems like something is holding him back. So here’s my question: didn’t it creep you out to the max when Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia were in a serious lip-lock in The Empire Strikes Out On A 3-2 Slider and then we learn they’re brother and sister in the Return of the Jed Clampetts?

                                Megan the Merciless, Ruler of the Galaxy”

Dear Ruler:

                Hey, being “hung like a stud horse” is all well and good, but does your potential suitor know that there was an apartment house in my neighborhood out in L.A. that was named “Los Huevos”, which in Spanish means “The Eggs”? What the hell kind of a name is that for a building? Next thing you know, some guy named after footwear will being charging around leading revolutions.

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                You continue to ignore our repeated attempts to collect this debt…”

Okay, never mind that one.

“Dear CJK:

                I just can’t believe that, according to scientists, the Moon moves away from the Earth at a rate of 1.48 inches annually, or at about the same rate that a person’s fingernails grow. If this is true, and I really don’t think it is, ‘cause who the hell has a tape measure that long, then how come I can’t find a good-looking woman to walk down the aisle with? I’m in my late 20’s, told that I’m good-looking by my friends, who are notorious liars, have all my own hair and teeth, and pardon my bragging, hung like a stud horse, so I can’t understand this total failure with women. There’s this one girl at work that looks interesting, but she recently told me that she has three nipples and is a Republican as well, and that sure brought things to a grinding halt. How can I take her home to my Mom, who plays linebacker for the Packers and hates Republicans? How about some help here, Cap’n?

                                Terry the Trojan Horse”

Dear Horse:

                Have you tried using a 56mm left-handed kroysening wrench?

Well, gang, I see by the old word-counter down in the lower left of my computer screen that it’s half-past August and time to move on to bigger and better things. And remember the famous words of George Orwell in his incomparable book Brave New World, quoting Henry Ford, who once said that “History is bunk beds.”

At least I think that’s what he said.

Love and geography,

Cap’n John

Post Script…and how about that segue this week, “And in the history of the Welcome Aboard yada, yada, yada”…pretty slick, huh?

Post Post Script…that thing about the Moon moving away from the Earth at the same rate as the growth of a person’s fingernails is true…check it out.

GROCERY STORE ETIQUETTE

This week’s post will serve as a “sort-of” PSA…my hope is that any person who is guilty of any/all of the following and who reads these words will be so overcome with remorse and shame at their actions that they’ll cut it the fork out immediately, thereby making the grocery shopping experience for the rest of us a MUCH more pleasant undertaking than it is currently.

Because if this shit continues, people, legislation will be introduced in Congress to recognize and address this problem, and arrest, convict and severely punish the above-said abusers.

In other words, if the bill passes, you get caught doing this crap, you’ll get your peenie whacked.

As many of you already know, my other gig, when I’m not functioning as the Captain and Master of the R U Kidding, is working part-time as a Front Service Clerk for a Publix Supermarket store here in Florida (Publix jargon translation…an FSC is more commonly known as a “bagger”), and as such, get a first-hand and up-close view of all the things you see on the list below.

Once again, as is often the case these days, an article on the ‘Net caught my eye the other day…”13 Rude Things You Need To Stop Doing At The Grocery Store”. The Rude 13 were determined by a poll taken by Treadmill Reviews, whoever the hell they are. (https://www.msn.com/en-us/foodanddrink/foodnews/13-rude-things-you-need-to-stop-doing-at-the-grocery-store/ss-BBTBKSU?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=13)

Let me just dive right in, whatta’ say?

1st Rude Thing-Leaving your cart in the parking lot

                Now as “rude things” go, this one is low on the totem pole of offensiveness…I mean, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t put your cart in the outside “corral” or push it back inside the store, but the newer carts being used in today’s modern grocery store are some kind of plasticized metal of some mysterious chemical origin (in its liquid form, one slight change in the formula and instead of “plamet” you get a high-quality floor-wax remover) and as such are really, really light and on a windy day blow all over the parking lot, smacking in to other’s peoples vehicles and denting the shit outta’ them. Me, I drive a 30-year old Yugo, so I’m not real concerned about dings, but for the guy/gal with last year’s 510 Beemer, that sucks. 72% of respondents thought this was a shitty thing to do and want the offenders drawn and quartered. (Rude asshat rating=5 Anuses)

2nd Rude Thing-Leaving your cart in the checkout line while you go grab another item

                Sure, the entire world revolves around you, so certainly, park your cart so your spot in line is assured and then make the mad dash ALL the way back to the Produce Department to get a strawberry/kumquat/broccoli kombucha. Hey, no problem…you wanna’ stop in Frozen Foods and pick up a turkey roll on your way through? (I had a customer ask me if we carried “frozen turkey roll” the other day…yeah. I checked on that one with three other employees, including the Grocery Manager, none of whom had ever heard of it either. I went back to the lady and told her that if the damn things can’t fly, they probably can’t roll either and to forget it.) This offense should net those convicted of doing this a life sentence to hard labor picking Grown In Idaho© potatoes by hand. (Rude asshat rating=6.5 Anuses.)

3rd Rude Thing-Leaving the checkout line while your groceries are being scanned (for another item)

                See “2nd Rude Thing” above. At Publix, we can scan your order, bag it, “save” it in the computer and put it aside, allowing us to move on to the other customers in line while you’re out roaming the store looking for organic dingleberries. (Rude asshat rating=7 Anuses)

4th Rude Thing-Blocking the aisle with your cart

                Geez, give us all a break…move the fuck over. (These people who “aisle-hog” are the same assholes who get in front of you in the far left-hand lane on the highway and then drive 10 MPH below the speed limit.) Once again, yes, Mr./Ms. Self-Absorbed, YOU are the center of the universe, and the rest of us mere tokens in the ongoing drama of YOUR LIFE. Should be punishable by 10 years in prison/39 lashes. (Rude asshat rating=7.5 Anuses)

5th Rude Thing-Cutting the line

                This is serious offense just begging for a severe peenie-whacking…sure, you can walk up behind/on the side of the cash register and ask the cashier if he/she will ring your newspaper/candy bar/condom, thereby avoiding that boring, plebian task of waiting your turn with the rest of us in line in front of the register, hey, no problem. WTF, are you kidding me? (This happens a lot, and of course I’m standing at the end of the register so I see/hear the whole thing…I tell people, sure, no problem, you can cut in but there’s a special “Line-Cutters” fee of five bucks applied to your order. Then I just wink at them.) (Rude asshat rating=8 Anuses)

6th Rude Thing-Encroaching on anyone else’s personal space in line

                I do so roundly hate this…back up. (I love being tail-gated as well.) And as an adjunct to this Rude Thing, People talking on cell-phones while waiting in line. Hey, Ms. Oblivious, none of us want to listen to you rant at the top of your voice about your boyfriend or your boss to your BFF. Send her a text and STFU. If convicted, 10 years, solitary…you can crowd all the people in your cell as much as you want. (Rude asshat rating=8.5 Anuses)

7th Rude Thing-Gaming the Express Lane

                This is so thoughtless. Okay, granted, it’s not on a par with say, murder or armed robbery or llama defiling, but it sooooo sends the message to the other shoppers behind you that, well, gee, OF COURSE I can have 15 items in the “10 Items Or Less” lane, I’M SPECIAL. And WAY better than the rest of you misbegotten cretins. 20 years/loss of a limb. (Rude asshat rating=7 Anuses)

8th Rude Thing-Letting your kids misbehave

                By show of hands, besides me, how many of you would be in favor of making this a capital offense for the parents of the unruly children, punishable by life imprisonment and/or a full frontal lobotomy? And I love kids, truly, and it breaks my heart to see these little anarchists acting out, knowing that what I’m really seeing is the next Ted Bundy or Donald Trump. My mother came from the “Ralph Cramden School Of Discipline”…right to the moon I would have gone had I acted like that in public, or Publix, for that matter. (Insert winky face here.) (Rude asshat rating=8 Anuses)

9th Rude Thing-Not putting perishables you no longer want back where they belong

                I.e., sure, we always keep packages of calf’s liver on top of the cake mixes…keeps better that way, gives it an “aged” flavor. (I accidentally spelled it “batter” rather than “better” and when I noticed, I thought, yeah, cake mixes, makes sense.) Come on, people, put the shit back, or at least give it to the cashier when you’re checking out and we’ll put it back where it goes. What, are you ignorant? Should receive a 10 year sentence if convicted, to be served in a meat locker in Siberia. (Rude asshat rating=7.5 Anuses)

10th Rude Thing-Not putting non-perishables you no longer want back where they belong

                See 9th Rude Thing above. Geez.

11th Rude Thing-Sampling food (other than actual samples)

                It’s just a couple of grapes, right? Or a strawberry or two? Tell you what, multiply “a couple of grapes/a few strawberries” times a few thousand people every day walking through a particular grocery store times ALL the supermarkets in the country and then complain to me that food prices are too high. You want it? Then pay for it. Lock’em up. (Rude asshat rating=6 Anuses)

12th Rude Thing-Helping yourself to your haul before paying

                This doesn’t strike me as the crime of the century but, okay, it is kinda’ gross. I mean, you can’t wait until you get home to start stuffing your face? Give the rest of us a break, can you? Misdemeanor offense, 60 days or $60 bajillion. (Rude asshat rating=5.5 Anuses)

13th Rude Thing-Being a complete asshat at any time

                Hey, do I sound like a bitter old man? Well, what do you expect from someone who is old, lonely, depressed, old, sad, cynical, old, bitter and old but who possesses a sparkling personality and devastating good looks?

So I guess the moral of this story should be, don’t be a dick, at the grocery store or for that matter any place…nobody likes a dick. Well, okay, there was Pat Nixon, but other than that…

Love and civility, something that is severely lacking in our society today,

Cap’n John