IT’S AMAZING ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

Okay, so what the hell is “fricasseed duck”, anyway? Yeah, I could Google it and find out, but I wanted to see if you guys knew. Is it mandatory for certain types of ducks? Do the ducks mind? Is it a “kinky” thing for them? Are they still located in Anaheim? Could you fricassee a spatula? Enquiring minds want to know, believe me. (Remember that ad campaign from a few years ago for the National Enquirer…could you fricassee an Enquirer reader?)

Just curious.

That’s all well and good, but it isn’t the topic of today’s post, nor is the fact that I’m sitting here in my underwear at 2:53 a.m. writing this…that’s “a.m.” as in “it am really fricasseeing early in the morning and I should be asleep rather than sitting here asking my readers about fricasseed spatulas, thank you”.

Digression, thy name is Cap’n John.

Ever since I announced my candidacy for President in the 2020 election, I have had to undertake all sorts of grown-up activities, such as establishing a political party (voters, say hello to the new “Hearty Party”), creating a PAC for extorting funds, excuse me, soliciting funds from donors, selecting a running mate and setting up a campaign apparatus (almost as good a word as fricassee) with a campaign manager to be in charge and make all kinds of big-person decisions, like where to direct our campaign efforts, where to spend the money we take in, how best to “get the vote out”, whether we should collude with the Burmese and other “getting elected” issues.

Shit, the most important decision I ever had to make previous to declaring was what color underwear I should put on in the morning. (I have a nice pair of “cerise” that I really like, but I only wear them at home…I’m scared that if I wear them when I’m going someplace that I’ll have the proverbial car-wreck and the ER people will see them and laugh their asses off. You should Google “cerise”…it’s really pretty.)

So as a major pain in the ass, excuse me, major Presidential candidate, I have “departments” in my organization that are responsible for certain aspects of the campaign, such as fund-raising, demographics, voter turn-out, fricasseeing, etc., and they report to me periodically, through my “camman”, and I’ve decided to share some of their reports with you, mostly because I feel like it.

So there.

Plunging right in…

~From the Good Thing The Car Didn’t Have Wings Or The Guy Would Have Wound Up In Cleveland Department comes a report of a man who, while driving at a high rate of speed, which had to be roughly that of light I would think, hit a median, got the car airborne and crashed into a SECOND FLOOR DENTIST’S OFFICE. Of course, I’m sure if it had been a real-estate office this wouldn’t have happened.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/autos/news/somehow-this-guy-crashed-into-the-2nd-floor-of-a-building/ar-AAuGOw5?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

~From the It’s A Contraction Of The Word “Ugly” Department comes this news that the company that makes Uggs boots has added a new item…thigh-high Uggs. That’s right, exhaust fans, you can now get the nasty, totally hideous footwear in a “super-size” that goes all the way up to near your private area. It’s hard to imagine ever being that cold, or that fashion ignorant.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/why-yes-thigh-high-uggs-are-a-thing-that-exists/ar-AAuPKGd?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

~From the Apparently Moving To Florida Wasn’t An Option Department, scientists  (why does that word always sound slightly accusatory to me when I use it) now tell us that evidence has been found (a human jawbone) in a cave in Northern Israel indicating that homo sapiens moved out of Africa approximately 180,000 years ago, or about 60,000 years earlier than they previously thought. (Why can’t these “science guys” ever get it right the first time?) However, no ticket stubs or travel brochures were found in the cave, so the method of transportation or what alternative destinations were considered is still unknown.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/ancient-jaw-bone-found-in-israel-shows-modern-humans-left-africa-180000-years-ago/ar-AAvcSHn?li=BBnba9K&ocid=mailsignout

~From the We Were Bored And Couldn’t Think Of Anything Else To Do Department comes this report that a woman, who used the online name Alexandra58, came home from a shopping trip to find that her “boyfriend and mother-in-law” (her words…and I certainly hope that’s two different people) had decided to shave her baby’s head, thinking it would make the child’s hair grow in “better”; there was no comment from the baby, but the mother was contacted by the ad agency representing Uggs boots about using the child as a model.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/%E2%80%9Cmy-mother-in-law-shaved-my-baby-girl%E2%80%99s-head-while-i-was-out-shopping/ar-AAvaVyo?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

~From the Best Idea To Ever Come From A Politician Department was this report on the town of Dorset MN, where they determine a town mayor every two years by drawing names of residents out of a hat, telling us that three-year old Robert Tufts was recently “elected”. His governing style? “Being nice and no poopy talk”. Are you listening, President Tweety Bird?

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=10

~From the So Is His Middle Name “Cookie”? Department I learned that the Sesame Street character Cookie Monster actually has a first name…wait for it…it’s Sid. This was announced by the SS people to dispel rumors that the blue-haired, cookie-grubbing animal’s first name was actually Arnold.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=11

~From the So I Assume They Think “STD” Is An Oil Additive Department comes the report that a study done back in 2015 revealed that 11% of Americans think that the term “HTML” is actually an acronym for some kind of horrible disease. The study further found that these same 11% couldn’t find their butts with a flashlight, a map and two hands.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=16

And finally (thank the gods)…

From the I Have An Ex-Girlfriend That Does That Same Thing Department, I was told that lobsters have a bladder on both sides of their heads (who doesn’t?) and communicate and express emotions by urinating on each other, giving a whole new meaning to the term “pissed off” (or pissed on, as the case may be).

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=33

I will leave you all with this quote from Ian Malcolm, the mathematician from author Michael Crichton’s books Jurassic Park and The Lost World…”The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their ‘beliefs’. The reason is that beliefs guide behavior”. 

I believe it’s time for me to quit…I have to go fricassee a duck.

Love and department stores,

Cap’n John

Post Script…wouldn’t “Pool Noodle” be a great name for a rock band?