THE CAP’N JOHN WINTER VACATION TOUR

(Editor’s note: My first post since returning from my winter hiatus is dedicated to mi amiga Robin; it is my honor and privilege to say that she is my friend. She has an impish sense of humor, a mega-watt smile and she’s a major sweetie to boot. This one’s for you, buddy…and thanks.)

Now I don’t want anyone to think that my “winter vacation” these past few months was boring or uneventful, nor would I want any of you to think that I’m old, boring or shaped funny (the word “pear” comes to mind), so I thought, in an effort to ensure that none of you have the perception that the above boring, old, uneventful and/or funny-shaped shit was indeed the case, that I would chronicle a number of events, comments, headlines, and other humorous-type stuff of which I became aware during the time I’ve been away from the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, and that these things would prove unequivocally that I’m e) none of the above.

You missed me, right?

(By show of hands, how many of you think that the opening paragraph (above) was convoluted, too long, imprecise and utterly brilliant?)

Let’s continue…

~Headline seen on an Internet news site during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                “Do You Know Your State Fish?”, and I thought to myself, no, not personally, I know him when I see him, waved to him out in the yard a couple of times but no, I never actually met him. (FYI, the state fish of Florida is NOT the narwhale but in fact the largemouth bass, which, considering some of the politicians that the voters of this state have sent to Tallahassee/Washington to represent us in the almost five years I’ve been living down here, is wildly apropos.)

~Headline to an email I received in my Junk Mail folder during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                “Premature ejaculation…the brain inside your penis”, and I thought to myself, there being no one else here at the time, shit, that treacherous little (excuse me, amazingly large) bastard has gotten me into enough trouble over the years I’ve been aware of his existence, and NOW you tell me the damned thing has a brain of its own as well? Boy, there’s some good news. Besides, that’s as crazy as thinking that the people of America could ever get together and elect a guy like Donald Trump as President.

                 Oh. That’s right, I forgot.

                 Shit.

~Things I learned at the high-school band concert I attended recently, while I was on the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                -a 32-piece clarinet ensemble produces a surprisingly drool rendition of the beautiful Christmas tune ”Carol of the Bells”. (I remember thinking to myself the first time I heard the name of that song, hey, I’m pretty sure I know her sister Sophie.)

               -Six vibraphones? SIX? Really? And I bet those big honkers are tough to march with too.

                -Major thumbs up to the little girl, who could not possibly have been more than a freshman, therefore making me old enough to be her ancestor, who was tooting for all she was worth on a trombone longer than she was tall, during a rendition of the always popular Christmas tune “Carol of the Bells”.

                -As an added bonus, there were a number of versions of the haunting Christmas tune “Carol of the Bells” performed by ensembles of varying instrumental makeup.

                -If you take a 200-piece (that’s correct, sports fans, TWO ZERO ZERO) marching high-school band, composed of primarily musicians playing brass instruments, brass as in loud, shiny, heavy and loud, and place its members, complete with said instruments, all around the outer perimeter and up on the stage of what appeared to be about a 1200-seat auditorium, i.e. moderate size, and then have them play the school fight song, which by the way is the enchanting Christmas tune “Carol of the Bells”, at full march volume, to then describe the sound as “loud” does not even begin to do the ensuing cacophony justice. Several elderly people fainted, a small girl, sitting directly in front of the tuba section, was injured when she was blown off her chair on the opening chord and a lady who had been crippled from birth suddenly rose up from her wheelchair and walked again.

                -After 43 renditions of the classic Christmas tune “Carol of the Bells” that evening, I found it necessary to enter counseling at the Hillary Clinton Memorial Home for the Chronically Bewildered.

                -The kids were beautiful, and they were awesome.

~Headline seen on an Internet news site during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

               “Kanye, Joel Osteen Talking About Touring”, and I thought to myself, perfect, the I’m With Stupid Tour…give them both a tee-shirt and tell them to go for it.

~Headline/ad for a “clickbait” site seen online during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                “Use A Pool Noodle In Your Bedroom”, and I thought well, great, we put the pool up in the attic to keep the llamas out of it, so what good is a noodle in the bedroom going to do me? (Wouldn’t “A Noodle In the Bedroom” make a great chapter heading for one of those smarmy self-help books, you know, like “How I Learned To Love Myself and How It Was Illegal In Several States”, or some such thing.

~A new song I was working on during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                Tentatively entitled “I Really Like Your Breasts But I Still Won’t Lend You Five Bucks”, I think the album could go, as Larry the Cable Guy once said, aluminum.

~Subject line on an email I received in my Junk Mail folder during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                “Repulsive nail fungus?”, and I thought to myself, after I yelled “HEY” really loud to get my own attention, no thanks, I already have shingles, flat feet, a deviant septum, flatulence and male pattern baldness so, no, I’ll pass.

(Phone rings in background)

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, Ms. Wetzel…”

“I see. Well, thank you for bringing that to my attention.”

That was Taffie Wetzel, my First Mate; she monitors everything I write here on the WATRUK blog in real time for accuracy, correct spelling, punctuation, rampant mopery and whatever; she tells me that the word I wanted in the above paragraph is “deviated”.

Sorry.

~Great quote I saw someplace online from John Madden, NFL Hall of Fame player, coach, analyst and a genuinely funny and decent man, during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                “Don’t worry about the horse being blind, just load the wagon.” And I remember I thought, as much as I respect and admire Coach Madden, I have no idea what the fuck that means.

                But it sounded good.

~Christmas presents that I thought (wished) I would receive this year but didn’t during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                -a 2020 Chevy C8 Corvette (Yeah, okay, I know they aren’t in production yet, but you guys could have ordered one for me and then sent me the acknowledgement…that way at least I would know it’s coming. I mean, geez.)

                -news that Senator Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, renounced his American citizenship, resigned from Congress and moved to Lower Slobovia.

                -a lifetime subscription to “Dental Hygiene & You”…very disappointing.

                -a Monkees surfboard.

                -a Partridge Family in a pear tree, two catcher’s gloves, three French horns, four calling cards, ***FIVE GOLDEN RINGS***, six fleece crocheting, seven maids a-swimming, eight swans a-dancing, nine ladies leaping, ten lords a-milking, eleven pipers griping or twelve drummers all playing “Wipeout” simultaneously on their stomachs.

~Headlines on various news organs, both digital and print, depicting the Washington Nationals as the winners of the 2019 World Series, seen during the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour…

                “NATS WIN SERIES!”, and all I could think was Who? Really? The Nationals? You mean the completely and utterly inept and incompetent L.A. Dodgers, after winning a franchise record 106 games during the regular season, couldn’t figure out how to beat the Nats in the post-season? Or the Astros couldn’t have cheated just a little more to maybe to pull this out in the Series? The Nationals? Are you kidding me?

                I mean, isn’t there already enough craziness coming out of Washington these days?

As you can obviously see, it’s been an interesting couple of months since back in October of last year when I announced my sabbatical (I’ve always wanted to have enough of whatever it is you have to have to be able to take a “sabbatical”.) And I hope I’ve given you reason enough to believe that the Cap’n John Winter Vacation Tour was anything but boring and/or uneventful…in fact, it was, as life often is, mundane and routine, with occasional patches of joy and/or pleasure.

I have a neighbor downstairs who irritates me from time to time, and I’m wondering if there’s any way I could get all 200 members of the J.W. Mitchell High School Debating Iguanas Marching Band into my apartment to perform their rendition of the beautiful Christmas tune “Carol of the Bells” at about 120 dB (a 747 taking off right over your head will generate about 105 decibels of sound) at around 3:00am some morning soon.

So much for that boring and uneventful shit, huh?

Love and French horns,

Cap’n John

Post Script…Yes, I know there are such things as portable vibraphones used for marching bands. Geez, even I’m not that dumb.

Post Post Script…Admit it, you were singing “The 12 Days of Christmas” to yourself to whole time you were reading that paragraph, weren’t you?

NORTH, SOUTH AND OPINION

I have received torrents and rivers of letters and emails recently, wondering why I haven’t written anything for the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog since back on the 24th of February (okay, I got two, but compared to none, that’s a torrent), concerned that I might be incapacitated in some way and asking when, oh when, Cap’n John, will you return?

In reverse order…well, I guess my return date is today, 3/15, the infamous Ides of March, on the 2062th anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar by a bunch of Roman Senators who were not only upset with his handling of several important issues of the time, including immigration, taxes and sword control, but Caesar’s numerous alleged liaisons with large-breasted women of ill repute as well. (FYI, your Cap’n is a big fan of large-breasted women of ill repute.)

As far as being incapacitated, thank you for your concern, but no, I’m fine, as well as can be expected for someone whose mother dressed him funny when he was a kid.

Lastly, I just got lazy. (Hey, it happens.)

I saw this headline this morning on the ‘Net…”O.J. criticizes Kaepernick over anthem protest”. So apparently even disgraced athletes who are convicted felons think Colin Kaepernick’s ill-advised kneeling during the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner prior to NFL football games was a rancid crock of yak butter. (And thank you to author Christopher Moore for that great description.)

I’m sure all those folks who also didn’t like or agree with Mr. Kaepernick’s actions are greatly heartened at O.J.’s support.

It’s been my experience in life that opinions are a lot like assholes…everybody has one and a lot of them stink. But this is ‘Murica, and the First Amendment of our hallowed Constitution grants the nation’s citizens the right to pop-off with their opinions, any time they like, about anything they want to pop-off about. The Constitution was ratified in 1787 and Americans haven’t shut the fuck up since then.

I see (and like most people, I suspect, occasionally respond to) opinion polls about everything these days, on the Internet, in my daily newspaper, in the mail, even being conducted by individuals in shopping malls, all of them asking “hey, what do you think about…”, presupposing the process of thought, a chancy supposition at best in many cases.

So I thought that, hell, I can be a band-wagon jumper, why not come up with my OWN opinion poll and foist it upon my unsuspecting readers and make it about things I really want to know?

Okay, unsuspecting readers, here we go…

1) ”Pool noodles” would be…

[]             a) a great name for a rock band;

[]             b) a great name for amphibious pasta;

[]             c) the “real” reason J. Caesar was killed or;

[]             d) none of all of the above.

2) Cellular phones are…

[]             a) a blight on humanity;

[]             b) a blight on humanity;

[]             c) a blight on humanity or;

[]             d) all of the above twice.

3) President Donald Trump…

[]             a) is doing a great job…not;

[]             b) is the Devil Incarnate;

[]             c) is an unprincipled horse’s ass;

[]             d) as a President would make a fine truck-driver or;

[]             e) all of the above three times.

4) Satanism is the perfect religion…if you screw up, when you die, you go to Heaven.

                []             a) true

                []             b) false

                []             c) orchestra section, third row, seats 56 and 57.

5) The 115th Congress…

                []             a) is doing a great job…not;

                []             b) is a bunch of unprincipled horse’s asses;

                []             c) should be beaten repeatedly or;

                []             d) if you answered “yes” on Question “a” (line 54) then proceed to section “L” (line 56.53) and repeat as needed, but only if you have checked off box “h3” (line 666, subsection “25.nd%”) then refigure your tax after completing Form A888999555 (line 2, paragraph 2.5) and recalculating your framitz deduction fiscally with addendums.

6) Re my campaign for President in 2020, if I made singer Toni Tennille my candidate for Vice-President, I could campaign as “The Cap’n and Tennille”; is this…

                []             a) a great idea;

                []             b) something that smells like a fish left in a hot car for three days;

                []             c) a really dumb idea or;

                []             d) pool noodles.

7) The Grammys…

                []             a) are a complete bore;

                []             b) are a total and complete bore;

                []             c) are totally irrelevant and a total and complete bore or:

                []             d) stupid.

8) Yesterday at my part-time job as a “Front Service Clerk” for Publix Supermarkets, I walked 8053 steps, or 3.8 miles in a 5 hour shift…

                []             a) not bad for a guy slightly younger than a redwood tree or a tortoise;

                []             b) see answer “a”;

                []             c) all of the above;

                []             d) Mongo Santamaria.

9) Yoga pants are…

                []             a) a blight on humanity:

                []             b) the best thing that ever happened to men in general;

                []             c) tight in all the appropriate places or;

                []             d) the corner of 57th Street and Maple Lane.

10) Opinion polls are…

                []             a) a blight on humanity;

                []             b) a valid and meaningful method of determining people’s feelings about the issues that face our country today, as long as the “people” you ask have an IQ above room temperature;

                []             c) stupid or;

                []             d) endless.

11) Are you (please check all that apply, sequentially)…

                []             a) male;

                []             b) female;

                []             c) other;

                []             d) over 21 years of age;

                []             e) an American citizen;

                []             f) a taxpayer;

                []             g) a standout rodeo performer;

                []             h) deeply confused about which antiperspirant to use;

                []             i) claiming all the residents of your entire apartment complex as deductions;

                []             j) all of the above except a, b, c, d, e, f, g, and h.

Thank you for participating.

By applause, how many of you are really glad that this opinion poll is done…yeah, I thought so.

Love and questionnaires,

Cap’n John

Post Script…a major announcement will be forthcoming from the Cap’n John For President campaign in the immediate future. Stay tuned to this blog for the latest news.