THINGS YOU NEEDED TO KNOW THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU NEEDED TO KNOW

(Editor’s note: This week’s post is dedicated to Brooke, my newest buddy and clandestine partner in crime, and the proud owner of a serious case of major sweetieness. She has a cute smile and she makes me laugh, and that’s a damned good combination anywhere I’ve ever been. CJK)

Each time I sit down to write a post for the WATRUK Blog, I stop and read all the Post-It notes with “Blog” ideas written on them that I have stuck to my “Blog” clipboard, to see if I can find anything pertinent to what I have in mind for that week’s topic (and yes, all my posts have topics, appearances to the contrary).

Since I really wasn’t sure what I was going to write about this week (I decided to give President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump a break and talk about somebody/thing else for a change), I decided to just lump together a bunch of unrelated but devastatingly clever bits of information that I’m pretty sure most of you would like to have.

~I found this first item on the website that’s run by a company owned by an asshole, so I won’t tell you the name of the site, other than to say it’s the opposite of MacroHard. The site is called hm-hm-hm.com.

Anyway, the article was called “EIGHT THINGS YOU SHOULDN’T LEAVE IN YOUR CAR DURING POLAR VORTEX” (and wouldn’t Polar Vortex be a great name for an movie action hero?); anybody that would leave these things in a car in that kind of weather is probably one of those people who owns a “Snuggie”, one of those “keep you warm” thingies you used to see advertised on TV…apparently they’re too dumb to know how to operate a blanket.

  • Cellphones…You’ve heard about getting your tongue stuck on a metal pole during the winter? Try putting a frozen iPhone to your ear and see what happens.
  • Soda/beer…guess what guys? Any state that doesn’t have a law on its books making it a crime to leave beer in the car in ANY climate is not a state in which I care to reside.
  • Musical instruments…really? You mean extreme cold is hard on musical instruments, especially wooden ones? Gee, thank you, Obvious Man. Or to quote Mortimer Snerd, who would have thunk it?
  • Eggs…yeah, I always leave my eggs in the car in the winter when the wind-chill is 50 gazillion degrees below zero; gives them a nice frosty taste.
  • Canned goods…in case there isn’t room in the pantry, right? I mean, everybody I know keeps a couple of cans of Campbell’s Chicken Noodle soup and some Green Giant Lima Beans in their vehicle. (I asked this question previously in one of my posts (NORTH, SOUTH AND OPINION) but never got a straight answer from anyone…why is the word l-i-m-a pronounced “LIE mah” when the word refers to a legume, but it’s “LEE mah” when it’s a city in Ohio?) (Click here to check out the Kingsmen’s JOLLY GREEN GIANT.)
  • Medicines…I’m sure many of you keep your meds in your car, right next to your collection of 1910 Fruit Gum Company albums, which by the way shouldn’t be out in the sub-zero weather either, now that I think about it.
  • Low gas…this is the one item on this list that truly does make sense; you do not want to get caught in a two-hour backup during rush-hour on the expressway/freeway/tollway due to “inclement conditions” i.e., a blizzard dropped 15 inches of snow on the highways during the day while you were at work that the plows didn’t have time to clear yet, and then you ran out of gas as you sat in traffic on the way home. Stoopid.

This was the best one…

  • LOVED ONES…yes, that’s correct, oscillating fans, you don’t want to leave Grandma out in the mini-van overnight when the temperature outside heads down into Antarctica range. LOVED ONES? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? GEEZ.

~I heard a story back some time ago from a friend about an incident at a U2 concert in Ireland a few years ago; I was reminded of the story when I saw an article about that insipid Boner or whatever his name is on the ‘Net recently. Anyway, supposedly the way the story goes, Boner was up on stage with the band this one evening and had been haranguing the audience all throughout the concert about the awful living conditions in Africa for the native peoples. (Although the subject matter is by no means funny, the incident is.)

At one point in the show, in between songs, Boner starts clapping his hands slowly, clap…clap…clap. He walks to the mike and says to the crowd, some of whom were apparently tired of the ongoing celebrity political awareness shit, every time I clap my hands, another child dies in Africa. And some wise guy in the back of the auditorium yells, then quit fookin’ clapping your hands.

Which certainly made sense to me.

~Love this one…taking a page from their President’s favorite fuckpuppet Donald Trump, the lower house of the Russian legislature recently passed a bill seeking to punish any media outlets for airing/distributing “fake news”. ( https://www.reuters.com/article/us-russia-politics-bills/russian-lawmakers-back-ban-on-fake-news-insulting-authorities-idUSKCN1PI2G8 )

Yeah.

Apparently, they want all the fake news to be shown and read here in America only.

~There was a guy on the old “American Hot Rod-The Series” reality show a few years back, the one about Southern California hot-rod designer/builder and all-around roving asshole Boyd Coddington and the cars that were built in his shop. The cars were amazing, the show was stoopid. Anyway, one of Coddington’s body and fender guys was a man from Sweden named Bernt Karlson, pronounced “burnt”. (True story.)

And I always thought that if his last name hadn’t been Karlson but Toacrisp, it would have been a helluva lot funnier.

~I watched this same group of Coddington goof-balls totally decimate a beautiful ’27 Ford Model T in decent original condition to use the “T” body for a Bonneville Salt Flats speed record car that Coddington decided to build. One of the shop guys said something about the car being black, and I was reminded of the old joke about what Henry Ford said about how Model T’s were painted…the customer could have any color they wanted, as long as it was black.

~There will be an open house at the Richard M. Nixon Memorial Home for the Chronically Bewildered and Relentlessly Cheerful next Sunday between the hours of 12:00pm and 3:00pm. Clothing is optional and so is attendance.

~It’s good to know that authorities in the great state of Illinois (home of the world’s first McDonalds in the city of Des Plaines back in the 1950s) took matters into their own hands, and defying Mark Twain, who once said that everyone complains about the weather but no one does anything about it, arrested Queen Elsa of Arendelle for bringing polar vortex down on the state and the rest of the Midwest over the past week. The snotty weather slut will be arraigned later this week and a trial held in McLean County IL, where the arrest was made, sometime in late February. If convicted (the charge is first degree mopery), Queen Elsa will be transferred to a holding facility near Tampa Fl, where she will spend her remaining days roasting and sweating her buns off in the humid Sunshine State summers. (https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/illinois-police-arrest-elsa-for-polar-vortex/ar-BBSV8iE?li=BBnbfcL&ocid=mailsignout)

~And last, according to the website 44 Interesting Facts About Idaho, the Esto Perpetua (the state motto, Let It Be Perpetual) state is also known as the Lentil Capital of the World.

There, now don’t you feel better knowing all that.

You’re welcome.

Love and trivia,

Cap’n John

Post Script…hey, Brookester, thanks a bajillion (not) for that little tidbit you laid on me re the DMV Lady…now every time I see her, I’m going to be wondering how they look. (Insert “winky face” here.)