A SHOT OF MODERNA AND A BEER CHASER

“Testing…testing…(turns away from microphone and speaks to person behind him sotto voce…yeah, and now the GOP wants unity, can you believe it?)…testing, one (turns away again as the PA system lets out a squeal of feedback), two, three, ah, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, I’d like to get started, so if you would, please find your seats, please, if you would, please find your seats, everyone, please, can everyone have a seat so we can get going, I have quite a number of items to cover today, please take your seats…thank you. Thank you. We have a full agenda of department reports today that I need to share with all of you, so without any further ado, I’ll get started.” (Sotto voce again to the guy behind him)…”Geez, what a bunch of wackjobs…”

~From the The Last Time I Had One Of These I Was Too Young To Remember It Department…

As much as I hate to admit it, I am a member in good standing of the “65 and older” group that qualifies for the Covid-19 vaccination here in FL (which is pronounced “fluh”, as in “rhymes with d’uh”), having been born just a few weeks subsequent to the discovery of fire. Predicated on the pile of years I have amassed, and a morbid fear of dying, I took it upon myself recently to pursue getting said vaccination.

On Wednesday, 1/6, the local rag, the Tampa Bay Times, had a piece in the “Local News” section of the paper announcing that Publix, a large Southeast grocery chain, as well as my employer, was going to begin dispensing the vaccine at selected store locations in three Florida counties, one of which was Hernando, which is the next county north of where I live in Pasco County. The article mentioned that Publix was creating an “online portal” that should be accessed to schedule an appointment and that the portal would become active on Thursday morning, 1/7.

Long story short, I was fortunate to be able to book an appointment for the following Wednesday, 1/13, for my initial shot, then fretted for the next six days that, with my luck, I’d contract the coronavirus on Tuesday, 1/12, and drop dead a week later.

I arrived at Publix Store #411 up in Spring Hill a little early for my appointment, signed in and was directed to a “waiting area” by the front door; after about 20 minutes, a Publix person came and got me…and the horror began.

I hate needles…a lot. So it was to my great dismay that the nice young pharmacist lady who was going to administer “the shot” informed me, in response to my stupid question, that, yeah, it’s going to hurt like hell, maybe the most pain you’ve ever endured in your life, and yeah, my arm, if it didn’t fall off, would be sore for about six months and that I would have a vax scar the size of a large, hairy yak besides. She then told me, after preparing both my left bicep and the needle, which was about 18” long and at least 3/16” in diameter (the needle, not my left bicep), to turn in my chair, left arm presented, so that I was perpendicular to her. So I did, and as I was turning in my chair, the Marquesa de Sade backed up about 15 feet, brought the needle up in a two-fisted rifle grip, took a bead on my upper arm and ran headlong across the room, laughing maniacally, and JABBED that sucker in my arm all the way down to the stopper.

Okay, now that I’m done being melodramatic, it didn’t hurt near as bad as some shots I’ve had and my arm was some sore for about two days. Other than that, and what appears to be a third eye beginning to grow in the middle of my forehead, I haven’t any other reactions. (Some folks who have had vax shots complain of fever, sleeplessness, accidental bowel leakage and vinyl siding, which is like shingles only vertical rather than horizontal, as reactions.) Shot #2 will be administered within the next 28 days…I can hardly wait, both facetiously and seriously.

~From the I Type Like Old People Fornicate Department…

Part of my problem with typing is that I think faster than I type, which says little for either the rapidity of my thought processes or my typing. When I was writing the above, I spelled the word forehead “firehead”, which although it’s an interesting word, it didn’t do much to enhance the description of my reaction to being stabbed with an 18” bayonet, in the name of modern medicine. Although firehead might be another bad reaction to “the shot”.

~From the Losing Your Head Is Never A Good Thing Department…

Speaking of heads, on this date in the year 1793, King Louis XVI was executed by guillotine in Paris for the crime of “high treason”, which history tells us he richly deserved. (He was found guilty by the French National Convention of collusion with Austria, removing the tags from mattresses and general mopery.)

And while we’re on the subject of the abrupt removal of unwanted body parts, on this date back in 1994 Lorena Bobbitt was found to be “temporarily insane” when she removed her husband’s penis with a common kitchen knife and was declared not guilty by a jury made up exclusively of women.

Yes.

~From the Is This The Party To Whom I’m Speaking? Department…

I’ve received several phone calls recently from some person named Scam Likely, someone who I do not know nor to the best of my knowledge have I ever met. I don’t accept the calls since I don’t know the caller, but I suspect it’s someone who wants desperately to speak with me about my auto warranty.

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

We interrupt this blog post to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! from the RUKME News Desk…

~Dateline Palm Beach Fluh

For Immediate Release…

“President For Life Donald Trump Draws Enormous Crowds Once Again”

“Supreme Leader and President For Life Donald Trump once again drew huge crowds, as he has continually done at all his political rallies during his administration, including the record-breaking assembly that came to Washington to view his Inauguration back in January of 2016, to protests of the fraudulent Presidential election that just took place in November as well as his Going But Coming Back Soon departure from Joint Base Andrews on Wednesday morning. There were also, upon his arrival at his Palm Beach resort, Mar-Ma-Lardo, bajillions of his adoring fans lining the streets of the city between Palm Beach International Airport and the resort, wanting to show their great love and affection for SLPFL Trump.”

In an unrelated item, a Congressional spokesperson announced today that Congress has retained the services of Ms. Lorena Bobbitt, to be available to administer punishment to former President Donald Trump, should he be convicted in his 2nd impeachment trial in the Senate. When asked by RUKME Political Correspondent Bill O’Rights about carrying out any sentence given former President Trump by Congress, Ms. Bobbitt replied that she had both a full-scale guillotine and a cigar trimmer all sharpened and ready to go.

More on these breaking stories as it becomes available…

We now return you to your regularly scheduled column.

~From the I Wouldn’t Even Know What Kind Of Bait To Use Department…

I saw this advertisement on a news website the other day:

“Have you ever been ice-fishing?” (It was an ad for a sporting-goods place.) And I immediately thought to myself, since I was alone at the time, no, I have two full trays in the freezer, that should be plenty.

~From the Either Way He Looks Like He’s Up To Something Department…

That’s a picture of the side panel of the box that, as you can see, contains the “Tall Kitchen Bags” marketed by the Publix grocery chain, which is the store where I buy my groceries as well as my employer, as I mentioned above. (Part-time bagger since May ’16.)

Note the Beagle in the photo.

I believe said canine appears to be getting ready to do either one of two “bad dog” acts…he’s going to knock over the garbage can, start rooting around in the garbage and make a helluva’ mess, or he’s going to start humping the beegeezus out of it, which will cause it to topple over and make a helluva’ mess. Either way, he’s going to get severely “bad-dogged” no matter what he does, which will, sadly, crush his little doggie feelers.

(FYI, “Tall Kitchen Bags” does NOT refer to old, ugly women over 5’ 10” tall who work as cooks in a restaurant. It would also be a great name for a rock band.)

~From the I Have Never Been That Hungry In My Entire Life Department…

The European Safety Authority affirmed recently that yellow mealworms are safe to eat.

Take a moment and let that sink in…go ahead, I’ll wait…

Now I suppose in the event of a disaster of Biblical proportions, a massive hurricane, a nuclear accident or Donald Trump getting elected president again, I could find myself in the awful position of extreme hunger and nothing to eat, and in that circumstance I could possibly find myself with only yellow mealworms as nourishment, at which time you might as well plant my fat ass, because there is no way in hell I would ever eat yellow mealworms. I have no idea who they might be a “meal” for, but it ain’t gonna’ be me, that’s for sure.

Well, maybe with sriracha sauce…

Eeeeeeyeeeewww.

I’d like to thank all of you for being here today and for your attention. Mr. Smith? (Turns to person sitting on chair behind him.) Mr. Smith? (Person on chair snorts loudly, jerks awake suddenly and begins looking around, as if confused about where he is.) Well, never mind then. We’re adjourned, people.

Love and Neiman Marcus,

Cap’n John