THIS MEETING IS NOW CALLED TO ORDER AND I MOVE WE ADJOURN

“…so she hobbles over and says, hey, big fellow, you want date, and I wasn’t even sure she was talking to me at first, but there wasn’t anybody else out there at the time.”

“So whatd’ja tell her, Fred?” asked the King, smirking a little.

“I said excuse me, and she said, hey, I take you ‘round world, 50 bucks. Obviously I said no thank you. Shame too, ‘cause she was totally hot.”

(Voice coming from the control booth over an intercom in the studio)

“Ah, guys, we’re on live…”

“Shit, why the, are you, never mind…children, can you say prostitute? No, wait, that’s not what I meant…damn.”

WE INTERRUPT TODAY’S EPISODE OF MISTER ROGERS’ NEIGHBORHOOD, “Mr. Rogers Meets A Three-Legged Burmese Hooker”, FOR THIS !!SPECIAL REPORT!!…

Good whatever time of the day it is wherever you are, ladies and gentlemen, and I assume that covers most of you, I’m Thor Buttucks and I’m here in the RUKME News Center with a !!SPECIAL RUKME REPORT!! (How’s that for high drama?)

The outstanding RUKME (R U Kidding Media Events, pronounced as one word…think Scooby Doo) Investigative Team has obtained an exclusive copy of an audio tape of a recent meeting at the White House between President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump and a number of his top advisors, concerning the government’s response to the newest threat to America, Covfefe-20, known throughout the land as the dreaded “cartablancavirus”. (For those of you unfamiliar with Mexican beers, that’s pronounced CAR TA BLAHNKA VI RUS, which is Burmese for “iguana spleens”.)

To our knowledge, there was no video recording of the meeting, only this audio tape which RUKME obtained through dubious sources. Despite the lack of “optics” (hey, there’s a good phony-bullshit media word for you), we were able through voice recognition and comparison to identify most the meeting’s attendees; those we were unable to identify are labeled “MALE/FEMALE NOID #whatever”.

Here is the tape in its entirety, including all malapropisms, mistakes, profanity etc.

##AUDIO TAPE/MEETING/CABINET ROOM/13MAR20/1145AM EST##

President “Tweety Bird”: “So what the hell are they calling this new bug?”

Jared “Kush” Kushner, Presidential Advisor and Son-In-Law and WH Procurement Guy: “They’re calling it the “cartablancavirus”, Dad.”

PTB: “Don’t you call me “Dad”, you little shitbrain weasel, it’s your fault we got in that mess with the “balognavirus” or whatever they were calling it. It was your brilliant idea to go with, oh, this virus is no big deal, not near as bad as the flu, it’ll pass, no need to worry, blahdy fucking blah blah blah, and you saw how far THAT went. Sit there and keep your mouth shut. You, yeah you, what’s your name?”

Mark Meadows, Acting (another one) Chief of Staff: “Ah, I’m Mark Meadows, Mr. President; I’m your new Chief of Staff, remember?”

PTB: “Yeah, that’s who I thought you were. Okay, Chief of Staff, how ‘bout finding out where the hell lunch is, ‘cause I’m getting’ pretty effin’ hungry here. You wanna’ look into that, Mr. Chief of Staff?”

Meadows: “Yes, Your Grace, immediately Your Grace.” (A chair scrapes and footsteps are heard here, hurrying across the floor, and in the moment before a door slams, Meadows is heard to yell “Hey, does anyone know what time McDonald’s is delivering today’s load of Big Macs?”)

PTB: “Okay, back to this Covfefe-20 shit…how serious is this one? I mean, will it kill more than say, 10% of the populace, ‘cause honestly, I can live with 10% fatalities if it doesn’t torpedo the ratings numbers. Remember people, we took a serious bath with that pomonavirus, and we’re still catching hell.”

“Kush”: “Ah, Dad, I think it’s “coronavirus”, not “pomonavirus”. Pomona is a city in Southern California.”

PTB: “What did I tell you about sitting there with your mouth shut, huh? One more word from you, asshole, and I’ll have you taken out and shot.”

MALE NOID #1: “Ah, sir, excuse me, but technically, you don’t have the authority to have someone shot, sir, Your Eminence.”

PTB: “What!?! You mean I can’t have his useless ass shot if he pops off again…geez, what kind of world did those asshole Democrats and that ni…”

Tonka Trump, daughter of PTB and Wife of “Kush” interrupts: “Dad, don’t say it. Remember what you promised about saying that word…you can’t give people the impression you’re a racist.”

PTB: “Racist? Racist? Bullshit, I’m no more racist than Rush Limbaugh. What a crock! Hey, I have black friends, what’s his name, the science guy, you know, Kneel in the Grass Mike Tyson or something like that, I think he’s so great.”

Melonoma Trump, FLOTUS: “He hates you.”

PTB: “Ah, Mel, that’s not true. Hey, I like blacks, I think everyone should own two or three. Bwa-ha-ha-ha…

(There is a great explosion of Presidential laughter here, followed almost immediately by general laughter around the table from everyone else. The Presidential laughter stops abruptly after several moments, as does all the other laughter in the room, immediately.)

PTB: “I love that joke. You know where I heard that? Ben Carson. Yeah. No, I’m just kidding, I heard it from Obama. Yeah, right before he left, he pulls me aside and tells me…honest.”

Melo: “You heard it from your father.”

PTB: “Yeah, okay, it might have come from Dad. Hey, can we get back to how we’re going to handle this new virus thingie? What’s it called again? Cartoonblanketvirus? Is that right?”

Dr. Bram Renfield, Head of CDC: “Ah, it’s being called the cartablancavirus, Your Worship.”

PTB: Cartablanca? That’s another Mexican beer, isn’t it? Like Corona. What’s up with that? Hey, that reminds me, did those assholes from Mexico ever pay for the wall like I told them to? You remember, I told what’s his face, Jose Felicano Tierra Del Fuego, you know, their Pres, that if he didn’t pony up the money for the border wall that I’d deport all the drug-pushers and rapists and criminals right back to them.”

Melo: “It’s mostly the decent, hard-working ones that come here.”

PTB: “Yeah, it was a pretty stupid threat. Okay, what’s our response to Covfefe-20? Pants, any ideas?”

Mike Pence, Vice-President: “Ah, Your Wonderfulness, that’s Pence, P-E-N-C-E.”

PTB: “Oh, PENCE, all this time I thought it was Pants. I always wondered if you had a brother named Dropyour. Anyway, you got any ideas on how to keep me from getting my tit in another ringer?”

Pence: “Ah, no sir, I have no ideas whatsoever. If you recall, Your Worship, you told me when you offered me the position of VP that I was to not express nor to in fact even have any ideas. Ever. You told me all I’m supposed to do is be the token Christian.”

PTB: “Well, then you’re not much help, are you? Sit over there next to Dummy and keep your mouth shut too.” (The sliding of chairs and steps crossing the floor are heard in the background.)

Tucker Carlson, FOX News Commentator: “Mr. President, your Eminence, I have some thoughts about how we might approach this problem from a “PR” standpoint. I’ve made up a brief PowerPoint presentation, take just a couple of minutes, with your permission, Your Grace?”

PTB: “Yeah, go ahead, Tucker. What the hell kinda’ name is Tucker, anyway? Shit, were your parents socialists or something?”

Carlson: “No, sir, they were Episcopalians. Soo, I thought that it might be best, from the “rosy picture” point of view, to emphasize the positive aspects of contracting cartablancavirus, compared to other less “glamorous” diseases. Let me show you what I had in mind…”

(There is a general shuffling of papers and some miscellaneous meeting noises before an announcer’s voiceover is heard through the speakers of a computer device.)

“Are you suffering from ABL, or as it’s known by its formal name, Accidental Bowel Leakage? Or maybe you’ve been cursed with the heartbreak of psoriasis? Has your doctor just recently given you the bad news that you have all the symptoms of sclerosis of the blowhole? Well my friends, those are serious problems indeed, but they’re NOTHING compared to the new sheriff in town, COVFEFE-20, the cartablancavirus! You want to impress your friends? Tell’em hey, I’ve got cartablancavirus! No sissy flu or hemorrhoids for you, big guy, you go ALL THE WAY! And ladies, this is THE LATEST! This is yoga pants with a bullet! Be the first in your group to become infected! Cartablancavirus…coming SOON! to a crowded restaurant or airport terminal or classroom near you!”

Meadows (is heard to rush back in the room, a little breathless): “Your Holiness, the McDonald’s delivery van is here, and lunch is served, sir, Your Grace.”

PTB: “Well, it’s about time.” (Sounds of sandwiches being unwrapped and consumed and drinks being slurped and packets of ketchup being squeezed and occasional belches are heard for the next few minutes…)

PART ONE ENDS…

There is a great deal more on the audio tape of this meeting between President Trump and his senior advisors, and RUKME will “air” Part II next Thursday, 3/26/20, right here on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog.

We return you now to our regularly scheduled program, Full House, S3E5, where Mary Kate attacks, kills and then eats her twin sister Ashley in a disagreement over personal hygiene.

Love and Dos Equis,

Cap’n John

Post Script…props to Colin Mochrie, he of the infamous (and hysterical) Whose Line Is It Anyway? cast, for the “Thor Buttucks” name. I really, really miss those guys.

IT’S ONLY HIGHER LEARNING IF YOU’RE STANDING ON A LADDER_REVISITED

(Please note…before anyone busts my chops for being irreverent towards the late Stephen Hawking, let me say that I bow to no one in my respect for Mr. Hawking; that he was a brilliant and courageous man of great character is unquestioned. This is humor (I hope) and should not be taken seriously.)

Now I could be wrong about this, but I doubt it.

I’m convinced that the high quality of the educational experience that we offer here at the Antonin Scalia School of Holistic and Organic Legal Education, of which I am the Headmaster, Dean of Education and custodian, which as I noted in my post from 11/18/17 (“IT’S ONLY HIGHER LEARNING IF YOU’RE STANDING ON A LADDER”) pays better than janitor, is the reason I got the letter that I received just last week, and I have to tell you, I’m excited.

Of course, my work for the school is in addition to my duties as Captain and Master of the R U Kidding; like the Hydra from Greek mythology, I am capable of wearing many hats.

ASSHOLE has been quickly gaining a reputation for heightened learning, through the various courses of study that we offer; as you can see from this sampling below (below, down there), our curriculum is varied and broad in scope, and is intended to give our students a strong foundation for their legal training by exposing them to a number of other disciplines.

~Adventures In Animal Husbandry 101…this is a video course designed to give the student a comprehensive understanding of animals and their mating practices. (Student participation is encouraged in this course.)

~Treatment Modalities For The Chronically Bewildered 201…delves into the manner that doctors approach the handling and care of bewildered patients. (Requires successful completion of Psychology For Dummies 101).

~The High Art Of The Bong 100…in-depth look at the art and craftsmanship that goes into the making of bongs.

~Legal Fees And Billings 201…this course addresses the most basic tenet of an attorney’s skill set in an increasingly litigious world. (Requires the successful completion of Lawyering For Fun And Profit 101. Course is taught by Mr. Howard Dewey, of the law firm Dewey Cheatem and Howe.)

~Sociology 301: The Making Of The President 2016…explores the election of President Donald Trump and the subsequent denigration of integrity, honesty and class in America. (Guest speakers to include Ms. Stephanie Clifford and Ms. Karen McDougal.)

At ASSHOLE, our motto is simple… “Laws are the foundation of a good lawsuit”.

I received the letter that I alluded to above (see above, up there) from a Mr. Frank Lee Scarlett, who identified himself as the father of one of our students, as well as being the President and CEO of Idont Giveadam Industries. Mr. Scarlett’s son, Frank Jr., is enrolled at ASSHOLE as a Senior, and is on the Dean’s List; he should graduate Summa Cum Laude with our 2018 graduating class, achieving a Bachelor of Arts degree in Legal Tomfoolery, excuse me, Legal Education.

Mr. Scarlett got quickly to the point in his letter; he had been so impressed with our curriculum, embodied by a quiz that his son showed him from a course Frank Jr. took earlier this year, Current Events 400, and he queried me on the establishment of a second school of learning on campus, allowing us to become a university, which he would be willing to endow.

He cited several questions on the quiz that had influenced his decision, and in the interest of showing my readers the type of educational strength we have here at ASSHOLE, I’m going to share with you, as Mr. Scarlett did with me, those questions. (And good luck stopping me now, Bubba.)

*Question #1- Explain why the word “l-i-m-a” is pronounced “leema” when referring to a city in Ohio, but is pronounced “lyema” when referring to the legume. Cite precedents to support your explanation.

*Question #2-In his post of 4/6/18, (“I HOPE HE DOESN’T START ANYTHING WITH BURMA EITHER”), Cap’n John Krissongs speaks to an attache’ from the Japanese Embassy in Tampa FL; what was his name?

[]             a) Mr. Topo Gigio

[]             b) Mr. Sheezabad Mammajama

[]             c) Ms. Tokyo Rose

[]             d) all of none of all of the above

*Question #3-The Republican Party in America is often referred to as the “GOP”; what does this stand for?

[]             a) nothing, like the Party itself

[]             b) Grand Old Party

[]             c) Guns Or Perish

[]             d) all of the above

*Question #4-Name three states in which voters supported President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump in the 2016 Presidential election.

[]             a) confusion, ignorance and Rapture

[]             b) Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania

[]             c) confusion, ignorance and Rapture, redux

[]             d) any state where the cumulative IQ level is slightly below that of a doorknob, three times

*Question #5-“I Fought The Law And The Law Won” is…

[]             a) a pretty cool song from 1966 by the Bobby Fuller Four

[]             b) Donald Trump’s last words before leaving the White House

[]             c) a caramelized persimmon

[]             d) Sheezabad Mammajama

Mr. Scarlett went on in his letter to explain that he has always had a great admiration for higher education, and cited as personal examples of his regard for learning such individuals as Sir Issac Newton, who first articulated the principals of gravity; Albert Einstein, the father of modern physics and the first man to explain relativity with his now famous formula “E=mc2”, which in the states of Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania is thought to be a sandwich from McDonalds; and most recently, the late Stephen Hawking, the celebrated theoretical physicist and author of the seminal book on cosmology in general, A Brief History of Time.

In fact, Mr. Scarlett informed me in his letter that, should we be able to bring to fruition his dream of endowing a school of advanced learning on our campus, that he would like it to be named after the brilliant English physicist…he said he would like the school to be called the Stephen Hawking Institute of Technology.

I have responded to Mr. Scarlett’s letter very positively, and indicated to him that I would be both pleased and proud to assist in seeing his dream of the SHIT become a reality here on our campus.

Hey, if they can have it in Washington in great copious quantities, we ought to be able to have some here as well.

Love and lesson plans,

Cap’n John

I FORGOT TO ASK IF THEY HAVE A WENDYS

I am stunned.

Yesterday I learned something so disturbing, so unbelievable, so down right Un-
American that for a few moments after I read about this on the ‘Net, I was stunned.

Montpelier, the capital of Vermont, and in fact the smallest state capital in the country, with a population of 7,855 per the 2010 census, 54% of which are women, much to the pleasure of the local men, and home to the New England Culinary Institute and Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream…

…does not have either a McDonalds or a Burger King within the city limits. (I know a woman who, while pregnant with twins, craved ice cream so much that she and her husband named their newly born twin sons Benjamin and Jerald…damn good thing it wasn’t Haagen-Dazs I suppose.)

This is shocking, to say the least (something I rarely do.)

It occurs to me that this situation is so anti-everything we believe in as Americans that, certainly, some measures must be undertaken to address this calamity. It is unconscionable that the good citizens of this fine, upstanding New England town are required to drive 7-1/2 miles to nearby Barre to get their Big Mac or Whopper fix. 

I think an all-out write-in campaign and media blitz must be launched to convince the corporate hoodoos from both the McDonalds and Burger King chains to look into this matter and take immediate action to alleviate this gross injustice. I urge all of you to please contact someone in Vermont (although the population of Vermont is just over 600,000 people, so it’s possible you won’t know a soul up there) and light a fire under them to get this travesty rectified.

Otherwise, people of the Green Mountain State, you can have no expectations of a visit from President Donald “Tweet ” Trump, given his affection for Big Macs, if you do not.

And I’m sure that Montpelierians (no way I could say that word three times in a row with a couple of adult beverages under my belt) will be as devastated as I would be by this possible snub from the Pres.

Speaking of orgasm allergy (as you can probably tell, I think segues are vastly over-rated), I recently, during one of my several-times daily perusal of MSN.com for my news fix, came across an article that told the story (plight) of a man I’ll call Mr. O, who suffered from…wait for it…orgasm allergy. 

Whoa.

It seems that Mr. O is a 50-year-old married man, and has suffered from this allergy since the age of 19. Every time he ejaculates, Mr. O “experiences fever, weakness, exhaustion, loss of initiative, headaches, disordered speech, irritability, forgetfulness and frightening dreams, not to mention swollen lips and throat.” Yeah, not to mention. (Needless to say, puberty was the only time sex was any fun for this poor guy.) Further symptoms include loss of a day’s pay, halitosis, hemorrhoids, taxation without representation, voting Republican and rampant mopery. (Oh, the picture above? I couldn’t come up with “art” to depict orgasm allergy, so I decided to throw in a photo of a woman riding an ostrich. Hey, I’m not perfect, okay?)

The article goes on to state that, “The symptoms are so severe that he and his wife plan intercourse for Fridays so he will have two days to recover before returning to work on Monday.” (Then it gets serious.) “HE ALSO SUFFERS FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION, SO THE PROBLEM IS NO PICNIC FOR MS. O EITHER.” (Emphasis was mine.)

Okay, I’m back up at my desk after falling on the floor laughing, although I’m sure there is nothing humorous about this matter to Mr. and Ms. O.

Shit, and I thought I had problems.

Interestingly, Mr. and Ms. O live in Montpelier VT, and there has been speculation by the various doctors there that have treated Mr. O that the lack of good ol’ American fast-food hamburgers could be a causative factor in his case.

So come on, Vermontians, let’s get cracking and get Mr. O the fat-laden, empty calorie burgers that will help him get on the road to recovery.

Because man does not live on ice cream alone.

Love and two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun,

Cap’n John