POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX

As you loyal readers of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog are by now aware, your Cap’n (that would be me) has declared himself a candidate for dog-catcher, excuse me, I thought I was Donald Trump there for a moment, for President in 2020…that’s right, party lovers, I am issuing a challenge to all comers, be they Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Green Partyians, Peace Partyians, Reform Partyians, Deformed Partyians, Socialists, Anti-Socialists, Constitution Partyians, Constipation Partyians…you name’em. Bring’em on, and I’ll whip their butts.

My name is Cap’n John and I ain’t kidding.

First of all, I have decided, after much counsel and advice from my counselors and advisors, to call our political party…wait for it…

The Hearty Party. (Catchy, huh?) 

The Hearty Party, as in “drink up, me hearties, yo ho…” (Staying with the nautical theme, don’t you know. And FYI, “yo ho” is not how you say hi to a prostitute.) 

Like all the political prostitutes, excuse me, parties above, the Hearty Party will have a “platform” with “planks”, or statements on where we stand on the various issues facing our great country today, and I thought that I would plunge right in and begin to make my positions and ideas known so that you could all make intelligent and thoughtful decisions on which candidate you prefer in the next election…just like the people who voted for President Tweety Bird did in ’16. 

Here then, in no particular order, is a synopsis of my thoughts and ideas on the issues, with an expansion of these themes to come later in the campaign…

~IMITATION~

                Let me say right here that I firmly believe in always having no “imitations”, in all things, and that I further believe strongly that the American people should be assured that I will oppose any efforts by Congress to substitute imitation anything for the real and genuine article. My administration will not allow “fakes”, “replicas” or “knock-offs” of any kind. Americans can be confidant that, under President Cap’n John, they will always have the real deal.

~THE ECONOMY~

                There will no “trickle-down”, “trickle-up” or trickle any damned direction under a CJK administration… I believe in a strong dollar, unfettered competition, a fettered stock market, tax-free municipal Barry Bonds, capital gains and losses as needed and free beer for all citizens (except you sissy wine-drinkers; you guys can buy your own). That’s right, there will be a Beemer in every garage (wait a minute, that’s one of those Kraut rides, forget that), a Cadillac in every garage, a chicken in every pot, legal pot and discount Lotto tickets. And cable TV won’t cost fifty gazillion dollars a month when I’m Pres.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~GLOBAL WARMING~

                Hey, it’s going to be under 30 degrees here in central FLORIDA overnight again, with a “freeze warning” having been issued by the county…you’re damn right I’m in favor of global warming. And it better happen pretty soon, ‘cause everybody down here is freezing their cojones off. What, are you kidding me?

~2ND AMENDMENT~

                This is an issue that I feel very strongly about; all people should be allowed a Second Amendment, period. If the First one doesn’t work, then try a Second one. Why should American citizens not have the chance for a “do-over”? It’s un-American in thought and in action, and my administration will come down firmly in favor of giving all Americans a second chance to fuck-up, excuse me, to go back and try again. With a bigger hammer the second time, I hope. (One of my Dad’s fave jokes…”If at first you don’t succeed, get a bigger hammer.”)

~WOMEN’S RIGHTS~

                As far as the President Cap’n John administration will be concerned, women are always and always will be…right. Period. Shit, all the women I’ve ever known were. Men should learn to keep their stoopid mouths shut and just do as they’re told by the women in their lives, who typically are better, smarter, better-looking, have more common sense, smell better and don’t belch and fart like men. (Richard Pryor, may he rest in peace, once said that women don’t fart, they poot. And FYI, I think women are awesome…sadly, they don’t think I’m worth a broke fuck.) 

~FREE BEER~

                See ~ECONOMY~ above.

~LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA~

                Fucking A, bubba; you wanna’ roll up a fatty and toke up, under the CJK Presidency, you’re happenin’. And I will lobby Congress vigorously to get the price down so that middle-class Americans can have affordable dope. Just like their health-care.

I will be expanding on the above themes as the election gets nearer and my campaign heats up…I am, like most political candidates, capable of being verbose to the point of insult, as you have probably already noticed.

It’s gonna’ be a fun campaign, don’t you think?

Love and hanging chads,

Cap’n John

 

29,120 GRAMS SHIPPED IN ERROR

 

NO! NO! THIS IS SO, SO UNFAIR, AND SO TOTALLY WRONG! THIS IS A CASE OF FATE, KISMET, NATURE, PREDESTINATION OR WHATEVER, THUMBING ITS SNARKY, COSMIC NOSE AT ME AND SAYING, “WHAT A COMPLETE FOOL YOU ARE, CAP’N JOHN, TO THINK, TO STILL BELIEVE THAT WE WOULD EVER ALLOW SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOU…BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA…HA! YOU ASSHOLE!”

SHIT.

SHIT.

This headline jumped out at me just a little while ago, as I was news-surfing…

“Florida couple’s Amazon order includes 65 pounds of marijuana”. (Oh sure, it HAD to be some nice couple here in Florida…shit.)

65 POUNDS OF MARIJUANA WAS SHIPPED TO THEM BY ACCIDENT. THEY ORDERED 27-GALLON TOTES TO USE FOR STORAGE, AND THEY GOT, PACKED DOWN INSIDE THE TOTES…

65 POUNDS OF MARIJUANA.

THAT THEY SHIPPED BACK.

I love this…according to the article (see the link below), “Amazon did not immediately comment”. Yeah, no shit. 65 pounds of good ol’ American smoking weed got shipped to a customer in error, yeah, I bet they declined comment. On the “Oops Scale” of 1-10, that’s about a 13. (I’ll bet Jeff Bezos is just thrilled.)

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/florida-couples-amazon-order-includes-65-pounds-of-marijuana/ar-AAtZ0DG

But why? Why? Why do these serendipitous events, these only once in a blue moon occurrences, never happen to me? “Man turns in 57 gatrillion dollars of negotiable bonds he found, gets 5 bajillion and blowjob as reward”, never, never once has ANYTHING like this happened to me.

“Woman trips on metal object buried in woods, finds entire spaceship” (which by the way is how the book “The Tommyknockers” by Stephen King starts out); of course, in that instance, finding the spaceship eventually led to the metamorphosis into a REALLY ugly alien creature and then the death of the lady who discovered it in the woods, but you get my drift here, I’m sure.

“Man wins all expenses paid weekend for two at the White House with President Trump, declines award, goes to Idaho instead”. Although I have to tell you, from what I’ve heard of Idaho, if I had two choices, go to Idaho or have a fiery steel rod shoved in my eye (spontaneous combustion not being an option), I’d have to give the matter careful consideration. But Trump vs. Idaho, yeah, that’s a lock, for sure.

But in the meantime, I mean, this is so, so unfair…this is like the Himalayas of unfair, it’s so unfair.

And, okay, I admit it, if they had shipped me 65 POUNDS OF MARIJUANA in error, of course I would have sent it back…

GAAAAHHH…Shit.

Love and roach clips,

Cap’n John