ALL OF THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY_VOL IV

(Editor’s note: this week’s post is dedicated to a pair of outstanding individuals that I have had the honor and privilege to come to know as friends and as loyal readers of the WATRUK blog, my buddies Angel and Emma. Thanks, guys, for all your support and kind words…you’re the best.)

In last week’s post here on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog I wrote about, among other subjects, male urination, more specifically, various positions used by men when relieving themselves. (Urinating while jumping on a trampoline was not discussed.) I came out in favor of the nocturnal use of a little-known position for peeing that I labeled “wall-leaning”; given physiology, this position is, obviously, applicable to the male of the species only.

Along with the above, I would propose the addition to the list of “odd things men do besides kicking their underpants up in the air to catch them and not making eye contact with women” two other activities in which males are involved, things that have caused much head-scratching on the part of your Cap’n (that would be me) of late.

First, men kneeling to propose marriage to their partner…

Seriously, why do men have to drop to one knee to ask someone to marry them? Is this some ancient ritual, the origin of which has become obscured with the passage of time? Who thought this one up? Why the guy? I was watching a video of a baseball game the other day and, in between innings, they showed some poor slob in the stands, down on one knee like a knight errant in front of his queen, asking for her hand and other body parts in marriage, when all of this occurred to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with seeing a man in a position of subservience to a woman (and FYI, for my gay readers, as far as I know you guys don’t do this kneeling stuff, so if you want, you can just skip down a few paragraphs), given that, in properly-run households, the women, who are smarter, more clever, smell better and are WAY better looking, will be running things anyway, so guys might as well get used to it ASAP.

I mean, why does the guy have to do the kneeling? Is it a dominance thing? Why do either of the interested parties have to kneel at all? Why couldn’t the woman of the pair swing from a tree dressed in a kimono while she sings the Hawaiian Wedding Song, or maybe the guy could yodel a proposal and then do a handstand? (Wouldn’t “Yodel A Proposal” be a great name for a rock band?)

Truly, I don’t have a problem with the practice, I just don’t understand it. Seems to me that the direct, standing face-to-face approach from either party would be more desirable, you know, like, hey, partner, I like your gender, I like your attitude, I like your pet bigmouth bass Wendell, I like how your parts are configured and I’d really like to cohabitate with you, avail ourselves to the attendant tax breaks thereto and raise a family of Peruvian alpacas. And hey, can you lend me 10 bucks?

Or something along those lines.

Second, men shaving body parts other than their face…

From an aesthetic standpoint, I get it…there’s a reason why people make jokes about guys with a pelt on their chests/backs and furry nether parts. Any man whose body hair falls somewhere on a scale between a wire brush and a Himalayan yak can definitely benefit from some specialized grooming, and thank you from the rest of us for doing so. But I’m seeing guys shaving (SHAVING!, not trimming) bellies, chests, underarms, backs, nether regions, arms and those little hairs that grow on your toes, all I assume for the sake of appearances, much like women shaving their legs, etc.

Really?

I mentioned to a male friend of mine the other day, re this subject, that I thought the practice of men SHAVING! everything on their bodies was, umm, let me see, what’s the right word here, ah, weird, yeah, how’s that, weird. He’s a bit of a porn aficionado and he tells me that it’s commonplace in adult movies to see both men and women completely hairless, thus taking “naked” two degrees farther than usual, past “seriously naked” all the way to “double-secret probation naked”. (I assume when he said “hairless” that it didn’t include bald.)

I need to call my broker and have him buy a bunch of shares of Gillette (PG). (I once had a buddy who, in response to losing a drunken bet, shaved his underarms…he said the worst thing about the experience was 2-3 days afterwards, as the hair was growing back in, it got “prickly as hell”.)

I can only imagine (not).

                     ~~~ATTENTION! THIS IS THE SEGUE! ATTENTION!~~~

Turning from the world of hairlessness, we now go to the RUKME news desk, to examine the news stories of the day.

RUKME…R U Kidding Media Events. (Spoken as one word…think Scooby Doo.)

Our motto…“All of the News, Some of the Time, Occasionally”.

RUKME sends its crack Investigative Teams out to span the globe in search of the stories that YOU want to hear, then we edit the hell out of them to make them as inflammatory, slanted to our viewpoint and biased as we can, just like FOX News.

And let’s hear it for the First Amendment.

~Dateline Ballarat Victoria Australia:

“Natalia Shows Off Her Muff” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuRnsrHEQFg

During a recent segment on the Today Show Australia about “Christmas In July”, which apparently is when people “Down Under” celebrate the Yuletide every year, a confusion which might explain why Aussies attempt to barbecue shrimp on a grill (and how they keep those little fuckers from falling off, down in between the slat-thingies and into the fire is beyond me) and have strange two-legged animals with large tails, short arms and designer pouches running all about the country, an enterprising young female reporter, while modeling the latest in Aussie Christmas garb, showed off her muff. The video (above) tells the tale in a short one-minute piece. When questioned by RUKME Investigative Reporter Rocky Rhodes about the incident, Natalia commented that she “loves her furry muff” and that she was happy to display it, and then hinted that Today Show Australia viewers may be treated to other showings of her muff in the future. (Watch the male anchorperson on the left.) . PARENTAL WARNING: THIS VIDEO HAS MOMENTS OF UNRESTRAINED HILARITY AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ANYONE WITH A HEART CONDITION, HALITOSIS OR SEBACEOUS CYSTS.

~Dateline Tampa FL:

“QB Winston Has Eye Surgery”

According to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Head Coach Bruce Arians, Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston recently underwent successful LASIK eye surgery to repair a problem that has plagued the Number 1 draft pick since his college days; on top of being a moron, Winston was also near-sighted, which certainly might account for the fact that the QB has thrown more interceptions in his five-year career than any other ten NFL quarterbacks combined. Arians, when asked by RUKME Sports reporter Marty Graw if the lack of 20/20 vision was the reason for Winston’s incredibly sorry performance over his first few seasons in the league, replied that “well, he could see the center, so he knew who was snapping the ball to him, and the left guard, but other than that, he was pretty much blind as a bat, on top of having an IQ equivalent to room temperature”. Winston did not return calls seeking a comment on this story, so we can only assume that either the QB was avoiding RUKME reporters or is as deaf as a post as well as blind and didn’t hear the phone ring.

~Dateline New York NY:

“Manfred Tells Astros No On New Reliever”

MLB Commissioner Rob “The Owners Toady” Manfred today ruled on the controversial use of a Golden Retriever as a relief pitcher by the Houston Assholes, er, pardon us, Astros, telling the cheating SOBs from Houston that they cannot use Luke, the dog in question, as a late innings reliever. Manfred spoke to RUKME Investigative Reporter Perry Scope about his decision to not allow Luke to play and said that it had nothing to do with him “being a dog”, but rather that, since Luke is not only known for his pitching prowess but is also a wonderful, affectionate and well-mannered animal, Manfred didn’t want the pet to be contaminated by playing on the same field as “that bunch of lying, cheating, scum-sucking pieces of crap” from Houston. “I wouldn’t let my kids go anywhere near any of those lying fucktards, and I won’t allow Luke near them either”. Besides, the Commish continued, Luke might slip and take a dump in the clubhouse someday, which would only add to the amount of shit already there.

~Dateline Hell Michigan:

“Researchers Say Anal Sex May Cause Pregnancy”

In a related story to the above, doctors at MUFFS, the Michigan University Fred Feely School, which researches sexual function and dysfunction, today startled the world by claiming that their studies indicate that anal sex may in fact cause pregnancy. Dr. Tess Tube, lead researcher for the study, made this comment to RUKME reporter Ann Arbor: “Of course anal sex can cause pregnancy; where do you think all those players and coaches for the Houston Astros came from?”

Where indeed.

Love and headlines,

Cap’n John

 

I GET LETTERS_VOL IV

After all the years of training, the studying and privations, the seemingly endless, agonizing drills, the time had finally come.

He stared at me with his steely gray eyes, and then spoke in a voice that was hard with intent.

“You have your orders, soldier…this isn’t a drill,” he said, as he handed me a wrench.

“No, sir,” I responded, “it’s a 56mm left-handed kroysening wrench, sir.”

“You know what to do, Lieutenant,” he said, as he raised his right hand to his forehead in salute. “Dismissed.”

I snapped to attention and returned his salute, then spun on my heel to leave. As I got to the door, I turned back to him.

“Sir, excuse me, but I think you look wonderful in that cerise bikini.”

Back in November of last year, motivated by a remark made by an uber-sweetie person named Katrina, who is my boss at the Publix grocery store where I work as a part-time Front Service Clerk, after she had read some of my posts on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, I explored the idea that I might have a “for-real” author lurking about inside my cranium, searching for a story idea and struggling to break free of the restraints of writing “humor”; sadly, I came to the conclusion then, and certainly the above supports that conclusion, that I’m incapable of being serious for more than a few moments at a time, rendering it difficult to write anything of any substance.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with writing humor…shit, I think I’m hysterical; I go back and read old posts of mine and laugh like a crazed loon. Besides, I seem to be fairly good at it…hey, would a media guru like Anuj Agarwal (who?) of the RSS and website ranking service Feedspot.com have named WATRUK to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET if I wasn’t the second coming of Dave Barry, whose blog by the way is also on the list? (Okay, I had to bribe AA for the ranking…I gave him a bajillion dollars and lifetime free beer to get added.) (Okay, that’s a lie, I didn’t give him a bajillion dollars, but I did promise him the beer.) (Okay, I didn’t promise him any beer, I just submitted the WATRUK blog for their perusal, they perused and the rest is geography. Though I did beg and cry like a sissy-mary to be included.)

Damn good thing I don’t suffer from the agony of false humility, isn’t it?

I enjoy writing, something I came to in the “sunset” of my life…I enjoy sex too, but being in the “sunset” of my life, writing is a helluva lot easier to come by these days. Besides, when it comes to women, I’m like a dog chasing a car…if I caught one, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

I used to be compelled, back in my youth, to do really mean things to my pet guinea pig, Alphonse, with a Dremel tool, but I finally outgrew that and now find my day-to-day compulsion to be writing. I seem to get all fuzzy and twitchy when I’m not putting words on paper (okay, words on a computer screen).

****SPECIAL BULLETIN****

Sorry to break into the narrative here, but something occurred to me earlier that I just have to get off my chest…you guys heard about this lunatic Joey Chestnut, the guy who won the Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest last Thursday on the 4th? Yeah, this nimrod ate 71 HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS) IN ONE SITTING to win this year’s contest.

SEVENTY ONE HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS).

****CONTENT WARNING****

(I’m about to say something gross.)

So here’s what I was pondering after I read about Mr. Glutton of the Century Chestnut…can you imagine the dump that guy must have to take the next day? EEEEEEEYEWWWWW. “Children, can you say plunger?”

Sorry.

****WE RETURN YOU NOW TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMED BLOG POST****

Besides the HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS Feedspot ranking (HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS!) for the WATRUK blog, I also recently received a PM from a really nice lady I know down in the Lone Star State (every time the phrase “Lone Star” comes up on my radar I think about the movie Spaceballs by Mel Brooks…Google it so you understand and save me the explanation if you would) who besides being a published poet is a big fan of the WATURK blog, who said to me, “You are as funny as Dave Barry but with the wonderful dark chaos of the Marx Brothers.”

I sent her five bucks. (Seriously, what a nice thing for her to say.)

Speaking of writing (Holy John Steinbeck, Batman, that’s one of my smoothest segues ever), I’m getting a lot of feedback in the form of letters, emails, texts, carrier pigeon messages, etc., pissing and moaning, err, excuse me, commenting on a couple of columns I posted recently…mostly from whiners.

I thought to share them with you.

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                This letter is in response to the remarks in your post of 6/20, wherein you viciously malign our starting quarterback, Jameis Winston; although I agree with most of what you said, as the new head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I felt I should offer some feedback. It’s true that, sadly, Jameis has been “diagnosed with ‘Dumbfuck disease’” and that the “long-term expectations that he will ever amount to a cup of warm spit are pretty much nil”…well, now that I think about it, given the above, I guess I don’t have any response after all. You’re right, Jameis is pretty much useless. Never mind.

                                Bruce Ariens, Head Coach

                                Tampa Bay Buccaneers”

“Dear Cap’n John:

                As planetary spokesperson for Zatox (“The Best Little Planet In The Galaxy”), I have been directed by planetary officials to issue to Earth our most sincere apology for the return of Earthling Dennis Rodman to you after we abducted him many years ago; in retrospect, we now realize that, in the interest of improved relations between worlds here in the Galaxy and the elimination of an eyesore, rather than return him to you, we should have stuffed the ugly cross-dressing freak into the air-lock and shipped his butt off into the deepest reaches of outer space. We goofed…sorry about that. If you want, we can return Amelia Earhart as compensation; she’s a real sweetie and a helluva’ pilot and we’d miss her, but we figure we owe you one. Let us know, please.

                                Regards,

                                Wq56HH[rt] YYYY<>95hj, Planetary Spokesperson

                                Planet Zatox”

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                As head of the 556-person legal team that represents President Donald Trump, I have been directed by His Eminence to inform you that He is aware of the malicious and unwarranted comments you wrote on your blog recently re the attendance and general make-up of the events and participants at the gala “Celebration of America” here in Washington on July 4th, but rather than address these in His usual manner by tweeting something that is either inane or a bare-faced lie, excuse me, by tweeting a contradiction, in an effort at conciliation with the “Fake News Press”, of which He considers you a member, His Worship has decided to speak with you directly and asks that you make yourself available on Wednesday, 7/17, for a personal phone call. His Eminence will speak with you at 1:00pm EST, just after His normal lunch of several Big Macs, three pounds of fries and a chocolate shake.

                                Sincerely,

                                Rudy Giuliani, Head Lackey

                                The White House”

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                My name is I. Dontknow Howe, of the law firm Dewey Cheatem and Howe and I represent Mr. Boris Badenov and Ms. Natasha Fatale; I have been asked by my clients to contact you and to advise you that, should you continue your libelous and defamatory remarks re my clients having been in contact with President Donald Trump’s campaign manager Brad Parscale to offer their assistance in the re-election of the President in your blog post of 7/4, they will be forced to pursue whatever legal remedies are available to them. Despite the fact that Mr. Badenov and Ms. Fatale are cartoon characters, they are offended by the alleged connection to the Trump campaign and feel that their “brand” has been damaged by this connection. While it is true that both Badenov and Fatale were spies/agents for an undisclosed Eastern Bloc Commie country during the Cold War, and worked vigorously for the downfall of “moose and squirrel”, they believe that any dealings with someone as unscrupulous, dishonest and altogether “stoopid” as President Trump is an awful reflection on their limited character…they may be sleezy, but they’re saints compared to Mr. Trump.

                Thank you for your cooperation in advance.

                 I. Dontknow Howe, Attorney

                 Dewey Cheatem and Howe”

Well, I can’t wait to hear what President “Twetty Bird” has to say to me on the 17th…probably not anything I want to hear, but then, that pretty much is the case every time he opens his yap to speak.

And you know what, I feel bad about Boris and Natasha…I always liked them when they were on with Rocky and Bullwinkle; back in those days, cartoon characters were cute, clever and funny. The cartoon characters in Washington these days? Not so much.

Love and the Postal Service,

Cap’n John