ALL OF THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY_VOL IV

(Editor’s note: this week’s post is dedicated to a pair of outstanding individuals that I have had the honor and privilege to come to know as friends and as loyal readers of the WATRUK blog, my buddies Angel and Emma. Thanks, guys, for all your support and kind words…you’re the best.)

In last week’s post here on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog I wrote about, among other subjects, male urination, more specifically, various positions used by men when relieving themselves. (Urinating while jumping on a trampoline was not discussed.) I came out in favor of the nocturnal use of a little-known position for peeing that I labeled “wall-leaning”; given physiology, this position is, obviously, applicable to the male of the species only.

Along with the above, I would propose the addition to the list of “odd things men do besides kicking their underpants up in the air to catch them and not making eye contact with women” two other activities in which males are involved, things that have caused much head-scratching on the part of your Cap’n (that would be me) of late.

First, men kneeling to propose marriage to their partner…

Seriously, why do men have to drop to one knee to ask someone to marry them? Is this some ancient ritual, the origin of which has become obscured with the passage of time? Who thought this one up? Why the guy? I was watching a video of a baseball game the other day and, in between innings, they showed some poor slob in the stands, down on one knee like a knight errant in front of his queen, asking for her hand and other body parts in marriage, when all of this occurred to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with seeing a man in a position of subservience to a woman (and FYI, for my gay readers, as far as I know you guys don’t do this kneeling stuff, so if you want, you can just skip down a few paragraphs), given that, in properly-run households, the women, who are smarter, more clever, smell better and are WAY better looking, will be running things anyway, so guys might as well get used to it ASAP.

I mean, why does the guy have to do the kneeling? Is it a dominance thing? Why do either of the interested parties have to kneel at all? Why couldn’t the woman of the pair swing from a tree dressed in a kimono while she sings the Hawaiian Wedding Song, or maybe the guy could yodel a proposal and then do a handstand? (Wouldn’t “Yodel A Proposal” be a great name for a rock band?)

Truly, I don’t have a problem with the practice, I just don’t understand it. Seems to me that the direct, standing face-to-face approach from either party would be more desirable, you know, like, hey, partner, I like your gender, I like your attitude, I like your pet bigmouth bass Wendell, I like how your parts are configured and I’d really like to cohabitate with you, avail ourselves to the attendant tax breaks thereto and raise a family of Peruvian alpacas. And hey, can you lend me 10 bucks?

Or something along those lines.

Second, men shaving body parts other than their face…

From an aesthetic standpoint, I get it…there’s a reason why people make jokes about guys with a pelt on their chests/backs and furry nether parts. Any man whose body hair falls somewhere on a scale between a wire brush and a Himalayan yak can definitely benefit from some specialized grooming, and thank you from the rest of us for doing so. But I’m seeing guys shaving (SHAVING!, not trimming) bellies, chests, underarms, backs, nether regions, arms and those little hairs that grow on your toes, all I assume for the sake of appearances, much like women shaving their legs, etc.

Really?

I mentioned to a male friend of mine the other day, re this subject, that I thought the practice of men SHAVING! everything on their bodies was, umm, let me see, what’s the right word here, ah, weird, yeah, how’s that, weird. He’s a bit of a porn aficionado and he tells me that it’s commonplace in adult movies to see both men and women completely hairless, thus taking “naked” two degrees farther than usual, past “seriously naked” all the way to “double-secret probation naked”. (I assume when he said “hairless” that it didn’t include bald.)

I need to call my broker and have him buy a bunch of shares of Gillette (PG). (I once had a buddy who, in response to losing a drunken bet, shaved his underarms…he said the worst thing about the experience was 2-3 days afterwards, as the hair was growing back in, it got “prickly as hell”.)

I can only imagine (not).

                     ~~~ATTENTION! THIS IS THE SEGUE! ATTENTION!~~~

Turning from the world of hairlessness, we now go to the RUKME news desk, to examine the news stories of the day.

RUKME…R U Kidding Media Events. (Spoken as one word…think Scooby Doo.)

Our motto…“All of the News, Some of the Time, Occasionally”.

RUKME sends its crack Investigative Teams out to span the globe in search of the stories that YOU want to hear, then we edit the hell out of them to make them as inflammatory, slanted to our viewpoint and biased as we can, just like FOX News.

And let’s hear it for the First Amendment.

~Dateline Ballarat Victoria Australia:

“Natalia Shows Off Her Muff” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuRnsrHEQFg

During a recent segment on the Today Show Australia about “Christmas In July”, which apparently is when people “Down Under” celebrate the Yuletide every year, a confusion which might explain why Aussies attempt to barbecue shrimp on a grill (and how they keep those little fuckers from falling off, down in between the slat-thingies and into the fire is beyond me) and have strange two-legged animals with large tails, short arms and designer pouches running all about the country, an enterprising young female reporter, while modeling the latest in Aussie Christmas garb, showed off her muff. The video (above) tells the tale in a short one-minute piece. When questioned by RUKME Investigative Reporter Rocky Rhodes about the incident, Natalia commented that she “loves her furry muff” and that she was happy to display it, and then hinted that Today Show Australia viewers may be treated to other showings of her muff in the future. (Watch the male anchorperson on the left.) . PARENTAL WARNING: THIS VIDEO HAS MOMENTS OF UNRESTRAINED HILARITY AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ANYONE WITH A HEART CONDITION, HALITOSIS OR SEBACEOUS CYSTS.

~Dateline Tampa FL:

“QB Winston Has Eye Surgery”

According to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ Head Coach Bruce Arians, Bucs quarterback Jameis Winston recently underwent successful LASIK eye surgery to repair a problem that has plagued the Number 1 draft pick since his college days; on top of being a moron, Winston was also near-sighted, which certainly might account for the fact that the QB has thrown more interceptions in his five-year career than any other ten NFL quarterbacks combined. Arians, when asked by RUKME Sports reporter Marty Graw if the lack of 20/20 vision was the reason for Winston’s incredibly sorry performance over his first few seasons in the league, replied that “well, he could see the center, so he knew who was snapping the ball to him, and the left guard, but other than that, he was pretty much blind as a bat, on top of having an IQ equivalent to room temperature”. Winston did not return calls seeking a comment on this story, so we can only assume that either the QB was avoiding RUKME reporters or is as deaf as a post as well as blind and didn’t hear the phone ring.

~Dateline New York NY:

“Manfred Tells Astros No On New Reliever”

MLB Commissioner Rob “The Owners Toady” Manfred today ruled on the controversial use of a Golden Retriever as a relief pitcher by the Houston Assholes, er, pardon us, Astros, telling the cheating SOBs from Houston that they cannot use Luke, the dog in question, as a late innings reliever. Manfred spoke to RUKME Investigative Reporter Perry Scope about his decision to not allow Luke to play and said that it had nothing to do with him “being a dog”, but rather that, since Luke is not only known for his pitching prowess but is also a wonderful, affectionate and well-mannered animal, Manfred didn’t want the pet to be contaminated by playing on the same field as “that bunch of lying, cheating, scum-sucking pieces of crap” from Houston. “I wouldn’t let my kids go anywhere near any of those lying fucktards, and I won’t allow Luke near them either”. Besides, the Commish continued, Luke might slip and take a dump in the clubhouse someday, which would only add to the amount of shit already there.

~Dateline Hell Michigan:

“Researchers Say Anal Sex May Cause Pregnancy”

In a related story to the above, doctors at MUFFS, the Michigan University Fred Feely School, which researches sexual function and dysfunction, today startled the world by claiming that their studies indicate that anal sex may in fact cause pregnancy. Dr. Tess Tube, lead researcher for the study, made this comment to RUKME reporter Ann Arbor: “Of course anal sex can cause pregnancy; where do you think all those players and coaches for the Houston Astros came from?”

Where indeed.

Love and headlines,

Cap’n John

 

ALL OF THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY_PART THREE

As some of you are aware, in addition to my duties as the Captain and Master of the venerable vessel the R U Kidding, I am also employed part-time by the Publix Supermarket chain here in FL as a Front Service Clerk, a very grandiose title for a “bagger”; as such, I come into contact every day with quite a few female members of the human race, both customers and employees.

The other day one of the ladies that I work with frequently, a nice older woman who I am 87.54% convinced has a major crush on me, which is easy to understand, given that I am devastatingly handsome, a sparkling conversationalist and hung like a stud chipmunk, asked me, rather out of the blue, if she could give me a hug; being magnanimous, I acquiesced. (Big of me, right?)

But only with the caveat, I explained to her, that while I was okay with her “giving me a hug”, she must understand that I already had quite a few, and that hers would have to go in behind the older ones…after all, it is a grocery store and we have to rotate the stock for freshness.

I suspect she’s just attracted to tall men who have a third eye in the middle of their foreheads.

But hugs from nice ladies is not the theme of today’s post; no, today I’m going to call on the crack RUKME Reporting Team to get a low-down on a number of recent news items that I’m pretty sure my loyal readers (all several of you) want to know about.

R-U-K-M-E…the R U Kidding Media Events arm of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog. (Pronounced as one word, emphasis on the second syllable…think Scooby Doo.)

Let’s go to the News Desk…

~Dateline Seattle WA:

“Amazon Announces New Religion, Says Will ‘Glorify’ CEO Jeff Bezos”

Officials with uber-retailer Amazon announced today that the company, headed by gazillionaire CEO Jeff “Sign Up For Amazon Prime Now Cretins” Bezos, will launch a new religion/church in the next few months, tentatively to be called the Church of Jeff, whose dogma/teachings will be based on the glorification of the “Bicep Billionaire” as their spiritual leader. According to company spokesperson Alfredo Sauce, the new church, the brain-storm of the Amazon Marketing Dept., will be dedicated to “spreading the gospel of Jeffism to the general public, as well as his philosophies, ideas and beliefs, to further the influence of Amazon and its unique marketing concepts”. It was further noted by Sauce that “Jeff Bezos: The Life, Lessons and Rules for Success” will be used as the religion’s “book”, and urged all Americans to purchase a copy right away, available on Amazon in paperback for just $9.95. (And free shipping with Amazon Prime.) Bezos, when asked by RUKME correspondent Phil Adelphia to comment on the new church, merely smiled enigmatically, raised his right hand and traced the dollar sign in the air.

~Dateline Houston TX:

                “Astros’ Owner Has New Experimental Teflon Coating Application, Says Works Great”

                In an unusual response to the recent sign-stealing scandal that has rocked the baseball world and has resulted in the firing of three MLB managers (A.J. Hinch of the Houston Astros, Alex Cora of the Boston Red Sox and Carlos Beltran of the N. Y. Mets) and one general manager (Jeff Luhnow of the Astros) so far, with potentially more to come, owner and chairman of the Astros franchise Jim Crane revealed today that he was the recipient of an experimental application of Teflon coating to the human epidermis recently, and that the new “skin” works “great”. “This product is amazing,” said Crane, who avoided any REAL penalties as a result of his players and managers being involved in the scheme to steal signs from opposing teams by means of a center-field camera connected to a video monitor mounted just outside the team’s dugout, despite paying a $5,000,000 fine and suffering the loss of several draft picks, neither of which will be much of a strain to or a burden on the organization. “I love this Teflon stuff; I mean, absolutely NOTHING sticks to you.” Apparently including any meaningful punishment for the damage done by the Astros organization to not only the integrity of baseball, but also other consequences such as depriving fans of rival MLB franchises of the joy and pleasure of having their teams win, the pall that Crane and his merry band of assholes has cast over MLB in general, to say nothing of the economic whack that the teams the Astros cheated took, such as lost stadium and game revenues, lost income for the players/employees of the team as well as independent contractors for services to the clubs, lost tax revenues to the various municipalities and counties wherein MLB stadiums reside and more. “This coating is slicker than shit through a goose,” said Crane, in a wonderfully apropos comment, considering  that “shit” will be the word that pops in many people’s minds every time they hear about this mess, the Astros and Mr. Crane in the future.

A RUKME EDITORIAL

It is the opinion of the RUKME Editorial Board that Jim Crane, the owner and Chairman of the Houston Astros baseball club, is an unprincipled bucket of warm spit. Even if we give credence to the assertion by Crane that he was unaware of the activities of his managers and players, he still is tainted by association and, more importantly, by his inept and corrupt leadership of the organization. You may not have known SPECIFICALLY what was going on, Mr. Crane, but it was you who fostered the culture of cheating by whom you hired and the toxic atmosphere under which your employees worked and thrived. Don’t think you can avoid the responsibility…you own it.

You stink, sir, as does your organization…we hope you get an advanced case of crotch lice.

_________________

~Dateline Hoboken NJ:

                “Rose says Astros’ Cheating Worse Than His Bets, Thinks Players Got Off ‘Scot-Free’”

                In a related story to the one above, former MLB player, self-confessed cheater and all-around roving asshat Pete Rose told NJ.com today that he was wrong when he bet on his team, “but this (the Astros situation) is a little different. It’s a lot different, actually…” No, actually, Pete, it’s pretty much the same thing…it’s called cheating, doing something you know isn’t allowed by the rules and is therefore wrong. Apparently what you were really saying is you’re a piece of crap for your actions but the Astros are BIGGER pieces of crap for theirs. (Occurs to me that crap is crap.)

~Dateline Hollywood CA:

                “Loughlin Had Surgery But It Was Unsuccessful”

                Cedars Sanai Hospital here in Los Angeles announced today that actress Lori Loughlin had an ego-reduction procedure performed on her by the famed medical center some years ago, but that the surgery was a failure. According to Head (and other body parts) Surgeon Will Power, the 55-year old actor, who was indicted last year by the federal government, along with her husband, Italian designer Mossimo Giannulli and several hundred other parents, for allegedly making a $500,000 “donation” to the Key Worldwide Foundation, which was in fact a thinly disguised bribe to compel the University of Southern California admissions committee to enroll her two moron daughters in the prestigious school when neither of the girls could find her butt with both hands and a map, had the procedure done back in 2010, but that “recent events would seem to indicate that, in Ms. Loughlin’s case, the surgery was an obvious and total failure.” When contacted by RUKME reporter Justin Case, Ms. Loughlin’s only comment was that she “hates dealing with peasants” and that “given my lofty position in the entertainment industry, I shouldn’t have to lower myself to even acknowledge such stupid charges.”

~Dateline Happy Camp CA:

                “Sasquatch Kept Lumberjack As Sex Slave, Jack Describes Ordeal As Monstrous”

                According to the Siskiyou County (CA) Herald Angel, a man was found wandering along the side of Highway 96 in the direction of Happy Camp yesterday, and was stopped and questioned by local police. The man, who told police his name was Forest Fire, said that he had been captured by Bigfoot back in 2015 from his home on the outskirts of Happy Camp, and that the giant, hairy creature had held him captive up in the Marble Mountains since that time, using him as a “sex slave”. When asked to describe his ordeal in more detail, Fire began to sob loudly, and said, “try to imagine being attacked with a giant, furry baseball bat.” When told that Donald Trump had been elected President in 2016, Fire responded, “Donald Trump the asswad billionaire?” and then ran back into the woods from which he had recently escaped, screaming in apparent terror.

That’s all the news we have time for today, which is really too bad, because I had one of those “I Gave Birth To A Three-Headed Llama and Donald Trump Is The Father” stories all ready to go next.

“The problem with news on the Internet is that often it isn’t true.” Abraham Lincoln

Love and headlines,

Cap’n John

Post Script…I apologize if I was a little more serious today than normal, i.e. the above baseball “items”. I promise to be a good little humor blogger in the future. Not.