I’M NOT BEING CHASED, BUT I AM RUNNING

(Editor’s Note: Today’s post is dedicated to my good friend and comrade Robin…the world was deprived of a fine, decent lady when she wasn’t born twins. I have no idea what her “politics” are, but she’s a sweetie, no matter for whom she votes.)

It’s been cool down here in the Sunshine State over the past few weeks, with the lows overnight getting down into the upper 30’s on a couple of occasions; okay, it’s not the Antarctic, but for FL, that’s brisk. And of course the “natives” are all freezing, and griping about the weather as if there has never been another time in the entire history of the planet that the southern peninsula off the east coast of North America has had temperatures in the 30’s. I saw one lady go striding through the Publix grocery store where I work part-time dressed in a heavy, insulated coat, boots, a scarf and…wait for it…earmuffs. At the time the temperature outside was in the mid-40’s.

Geez.

It’s certainly been cool enough to necessitate a light jacket or a sweatshirt if you’re going out, but dressing like you’re about to race in the Iditarod is a bit ridiculous. (I wonder if she had her dogs and sled parked outside?)

But the need to dress a little warmer recently led me to a discovery that I just had to share with you guys.

I was getting ready to go run some errands the other day, and in line with the depiction above of the weather conditions, I grabbed my fave black hooded sweatshirt off the shelf as I headed for the door. Being in a bit of a hurry and therefore not paying attention, I didn’t realize I had the sweatshirt backwards as I was pulling it over my head. As I brought it down, the hood, rather than falling forward in a neat fold, instead came straight down on the top of my cabeza (that’s Burmese for “llama intestines”) and parked itself thereon, completely covering my face, which I’m sure was a vast improvement over the uncovered version, leaving the back of my head totally exposed to the elephants. While I wouldn’t recommend this arrangement for driving an automobile, it is good for one thing…not seeing all the BS and nonsense that’s going on currently in America.

(Sounds of a phone ringing in the background…)

Excuse me…

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, First Mate.”

“I wrote what? Oh, I didn’t notice that I had done that; thank you, Ms. Wetzel.”

That was my First Mate, Tammie Wetzel; she monitors my posts in real time for spelling/content and also tries to keep me from screwing up too badly…she tells me that word should be “ELEMENTS”.

Sorry.

Anyway, with the ongoing debate over the |WALL|, in addition to the stock market, global warming, President Trump, the shutdown, the Russia investigation, Trump, the Patriots’ 417th consecutive appearance in the Super Bowl, gun control, Trump, Congress, China and Russia, Trump, that roving asshole Mitch McConnell, the Iranians, the Saudis, the Burmese, Trump and his Insane Clown Posse of a Cabinet/advisors, all coming at us at the same time, all the time…boy, some days it just gets to be too much.

Pull the hood down over my eyes, men, I don’t want to see anymore.

But rather than be like an ostrich and bury my head in the hoodie, I have a better idea, one that I hope I can convince all of you, my loyal readers, to buy into…vote for me for President in 2020.

Yes, that’s right, circulating fans, the Cap’n is running for President…I will be the candidate for the Hearty Party in the next Presidential election.

You might recall that I originally announced my candidacy back in January of last year (LET’S THROW A POLITICAL PARTY!); at that time I also presented to the voters of America a number of positions that I hold with regards to the many issues that face our country today, including imitation, the economy, global warming, the 2nd Amendment and women’s rights, just to name a few.

(Phone begins to ring in the background…)

Shit…excuse me again.

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, Ms. Wetzel.” (When the audio book of my blog comes out, you’ll be able to hear a bit of exasperation in my voice.)

“Oh, I see. All right, I’ll change that. Thank you, First Mate.”

That was First Mate Wetzel again, telling me that the word I wanted was “immigration”, not “imitation”.

I apologize for the confusion, my own in particular.

Anyway, I would like to take the time now (and good luck stopping me) to restate my views on various issues, and to give you all firm reasons to cast your vote for me, Cap’n John.

IMMIGRATION

If you read my comments on this most exasperating of the issues that confront America today from my post last January (POLITICS CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX), you’ll note that I addressed the problem of “imitation”, which as far as I know isn’t a pressing dilemma for our country right now, but Mr. Trump’s goofy idea that we need a wall on our southern border to slow the influx of illegal immigrants, drug dealers, rapists, dumbfucks, international terrorists and who knows what other undesirables most certainly is. I agree with the need for a wall to be built, but I believe it should be built on our NORTHERN border rather than southern, to slow the influx of the “Canadian influence”; keep in mind, it was the Canadians that introduced hockey to the United States, and I for one do not intend to ever forgive them for doing that. Just what I want to see as “sports entertainment”, a bunch of stupid-looking Neanderthals with no front teeth squaring off with and wailing the shit out of each other, retaliation for some perceived slight that occurred while the teams were skating back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, allegedly playing hockey, and for the entire time the fighting continues, the fans are throwing dead fish, hats, cups of beer, snowblowers and eberts onto the ice. Oh yeah, that’s entertaining. Build the wall up North…the next crazy idea we’ll import from Canada is probably socialized medicine, and who wants to have quality medical care paid for by the government?

WOMEN’S RIGHTS

This one is simple…men are stoopid and women are, generally, always right. Anybody with an IQ above the level of room temperature knows that.

LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA

Another easy one…yes. And as your President, I’ll make it free for all citizens over the age of 65 (I’m 67).

THE 2ND AMENDMENT

As I said back in January (POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX), I firmly believe that all Americans should have the opportunity for a 2nd chance…if at first you don’t succeed, get a bigger hammer, I always say. So absolutely, if you screw up the first time at something, you certainly have the right to a 2nd Amendment. I cannot understand why this is an issue.

EUTHANASIA

I am not in favor of euthanasia at the exclusion of kids in America…let the Asian countries look after their own children.

GLOBAL WARMING

Given the status of the weather here in Florida recently, and considering that many of our residents are currently freezing their butts off down here, yeah, I’m in favor of global warming, and I think it had better come to the Sunshine State pretty damn fast, thank you.

THE ECONOMY

When I’m elected President, I will immediately make several moves to further enhance the American economy; first, I will present to Congress legislation that will address a number of problems we have with commerce, including but not limited to the high price of marijuana, the rescinding of sheriffs for Chinese and other imported products (why we need law enforcement to monitor imports from overseas is beyond me), the procreation of municipal bond debentures, the acquisition of defrauded commodity ankles…

(Phone begins ringing again…)

Dammit.

“Cap’n John…”

“YES, First Mate Wetzel, what is it now?”

“It’s what?”

“Yes, I’ll see to that immediately, thank you.”

Ms. You Screwed Up Again Wetzel informs me that the word I wanted above was “tariffs” not “sheriffs”; geez, she can be such a snot sometimes.

I see from the word-counter at the bottom of my screen that I have reached a point of no return, which was a pretty good song by the rock group Kansas back in the late 70’s, and that I need to wrap this up.

More later.

And besides, why shouldn’t I run for Pres? I mean, what does Elizabeth Warren have that I don’t have, other than looks, brains, talent and a Native American tipi in her back yard?

Love and ballots,

Cap’n John

Post Script…FYI, an “ebert” (see above) is a small, furry mammal of the Saskatchewanis ebertis genus that has rather prominent, flat ears, enormous genitalia and is indigenous to Canada.

Post Post Script…Here’s the link to Kansas’ “The Point of Know Return”…enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-R8gHj_7v8

OH SURE, NOW YOU TELL ME

You guys know what you call a boat that lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches…a nervous wreck. (Now you know why I didn’t try to make a living as a stand-up comic.)

But I gotta’ tell you, I’ve been a boat lying on the bottom of the ocean twitching this past week, as I narrowed it down to one from the list of the various and sundry candidates I was considering to be my running-mate in the Presidential race in 2020…

…that’s right, circulating fans, I am a candidate for President; my name is Cap’n John and I ain’t kidding.

You will recall from my post back on 1/25/18, “MY CANDIDATES FOR V.P.- A V.I.P., AN M.V.P., A GUY THAT SELLS S.T.P. AND A KID FULL OF C.R.A.P. (NOT IN THAT ORDER)”, that there were several qualified (?) individuals that I rejected early on for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which was in some instances gross incompetence, steadily increasing in severity, going all the way up to rampant and undignified mopery.

Putting (as in setting something in place, not the golf-stroke) the ol’ weedwacker in high gear, I tore through, excuse me, I carefully vetted them all, until one person rose above the rest, the cream to the top so to speak, the stepping forward of the best person to be my right-hand man, my Girl Friday and the guy that runs out to pick-up the pizza.

Of all the wannabes, he was the most wannabe…he was double-secret probation wannabe.

My fellow Americans, with great honor, humility and pecuniary I hereby announce that as of today, I have asked Mr. Theodore Roosevelt, the former President, Rough Rider, conservationist, outdoorsman and all-around good guy, to be my Vice-Presidential candidate in the election in 2020. I believe strongly that with my leadership skills, savvy, bullshit, excuse me, experience and devastating good looks, coupled with everything that “Teddy” brings to the table, including San Juan Hill and an awesome ‘stache, we will be an unbeatable combo. We will conserve, we will defend with vigor, we will negotiate with integrity and we will fear no one under 5’4” tall.

I am excited to begin the official campaign with Mr. R.

So far, I haven’t heard back from Teddy’s camp…one of those occasional, annoying communications screw-ups, I’m sure. Like Hillary’s emails.

(Phone rings) Ah, that’s probably Teddy or one of his “people” now…

”Hello, CJ speaking.”

“Hi, Taffie…”

“Oh, he is…I didn’t know that. Shit, that changes everything. Shit.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, all right, thanks for letting me know.”

That was my Second Mate, Ms. Taffie Wetzel, who spell/content-checks my posts as I write them…she tells me that Mr. Roosevelt is dead. Happened back in 1909. Over a hundred years ago.

Hey, I’ve been busy, I missed the obit in the paper, all right?

Shit.

This was my guy…he said to speak softly and carry a big stick, and that every reform movement has a lunatic fringe, that if you believe you can you’re halfway there and that Republicans are crooked lying douche canoes. (Okay, I made up the last one.) Shit, now what the hell do I do? Teddy was perfect, plus he’s loaded (come on, he’s a Roosevelt, are you kidding me?), which was a BIG plus. Damn, now he can’t even endorse me.

I wonder if Rocky and Bullwinkle are available?

Love and coroners,

Cap’n John

Post Script…The names have been changed to confuse the guilty.

Post Post Script…back to the drawing board. Shit.

IT’S AMAZING ALL THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW AS A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE

Okay, so what the hell is “fricasseed duck”, anyway? Yeah, I could Google it and find out, but I wanted to see if you guys knew. Is it mandatory for certain types of ducks? Do the ducks mind? Is it a “kinky” thing for them? Are they still located in Anaheim? Could you fricassee a spatula? Enquiring minds want to know, believe me. (Remember that ad campaign from a few years ago for the National Enquirer…could you fricassee an Enquirer reader?)

Just curious.

That’s all well and good, but it isn’t the topic of today’s post, nor is the fact that I’m sitting here in my underwear at 2:53 a.m. writing this…that’s “a.m.” as in “it am really fricasseeing early in the morning and I should be asleep rather than sitting here asking my readers about fricasseed spatulas, thank you”.

Digression, thy name is Cap’n John.

Ever since I announced my candidacy for President in the 2020 election, I have had to undertake all sorts of grown-up activities, such as establishing a political party (voters, say hello to the new “Hearty Party”), creating a PAC for extorting funds, excuse me, soliciting funds from donors, selecting a running mate and setting up a campaign apparatus (almost as good a word as fricassee) with a campaign manager to be in charge and make all kinds of big-person decisions, like where to direct our campaign efforts, where to spend the money we take in, how best to “get the vote out”, whether we should collude with the Burmese and other “getting elected” issues.

Shit, the most important decision I ever had to make previous to declaring was what color underwear I should put on in the morning. (I have a nice pair of “cerise” that I really like, but I only wear them at home…I’m scared that if I wear them when I’m going someplace that I’ll have the proverbial car-wreck and the ER people will see them and laugh their asses off. You should Google “cerise”…it’s really pretty.)

So as a major pain in the ass, excuse me, major Presidential candidate, I have “departments” in my organization that are responsible for certain aspects of the campaign, such as fund-raising, demographics, voter turn-out, fricasseeing, etc., and they report to me periodically, through my “camman”, and I’ve decided to share some of their reports with you, mostly because I feel like it.

So there.

Plunging right in…

~From the Good Thing The Car Didn’t Have Wings Or The Guy Would Have Wound Up In Cleveland Department comes a report of a man who, while driving at a high rate of speed, which had to be roughly that of light I would think, hit a median, got the car airborne and crashed into a SECOND FLOOR DENTIST’S OFFICE. Of course, I’m sure if it had been a real-estate office this wouldn’t have happened.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/autos/news/somehow-this-guy-crashed-into-the-2nd-floor-of-a-building/ar-AAuGOw5?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

~From the It’s A Contraction Of The Word “Ugly” Department comes this news that the company that makes Uggs boots has added a new item…thigh-high Uggs. That’s right, exhaust fans, you can now get the nasty, totally hideous footwear in a “super-size” that goes all the way up to near your private area. It’s hard to imagine ever being that cold, or that fashion ignorant.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/why-yes-thigh-high-uggs-are-a-thing-that-exists/ar-AAuPKGd?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

~From the Apparently Moving To Florida Wasn’t An Option Department, scientists  (why does that word always sound slightly accusatory to me when I use it) now tell us that evidence has been found (a human jawbone) in a cave in Northern Israel indicating that homo sapiens moved out of Africa approximately 180,000 years ago, or about 60,000 years earlier than they previously thought. (Why can’t these “science guys” ever get it right the first time?) However, no ticket stubs or travel brochures were found in the cave, so the method of transportation or what alternative destinations were considered is still unknown.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/ancient-jaw-bone-found-in-israel-shows-modern-humans-left-africa-180000-years-ago/ar-AAvcSHn?li=BBnba9K&ocid=mailsignout

~From the We Were Bored And Couldn’t Think Of Anything Else To Do Department comes this report that a woman, who used the online name Alexandra58, came home from a shopping trip to find that her “boyfriend and mother-in-law” (her words…and I certainly hope that’s two different people) had decided to shave her baby’s head, thinking it would make the child’s hair grow in “better”; there was no comment from the baby, but the mother was contacted by the ad agency representing Uggs boots about using the child as a model.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/whats-hot/%E2%80%9Cmy-mother-in-law-shaved-my-baby-girl%E2%80%99s-head-while-i-was-out-shopping/ar-AAvaVyo?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout

~From the Best Idea To Ever Come From A Politician Department was this report on the town of Dorset MN, where they determine a town mayor every two years by drawing names of residents out of a hat, telling us that three-year old Robert Tufts was recently “elected”. His governing style? “Being nice and no poopy talk”. Are you listening, President Tweety Bird?

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=10

~From the So Is His Middle Name “Cookie”? Department I learned that the Sesame Street character Cookie Monster actually has a first name…wait for it…it’s Sid. This was announced by the SS people to dispel rumors that the blue-haired, cookie-grubbing animal’s first name was actually Arnold.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=11

~From the So I Assume They Think “STD” Is An Oil Additive Department comes the report that a study done back in 2015 revealed that 11% of Americans think that the term “HTML” is actually an acronym for some kind of horrible disease. The study further found that these same 11% couldn’t find their butts with a flashlight, a map and two hands.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=16

And finally (thank the gods)…

From the I Have An Ex-Girlfriend That Does That Same Thing Department, I was told that lobsters have a bladder on both sides of their heads (who doesn’t?) and communicate and express emotions by urinating on each other, giving a whole new meaning to the term “pissed off” (or pissed on, as the case may be).

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/smart-living/40-facts-so-funny-they%E2%80%99re-hard-to-believe/ss-AAuUncN?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=33

I will leave you all with this quote from Ian Malcolm, the mathematician from author Michael Crichton’s books Jurassic Park and The Lost World…”The characteristic human trait is not awareness but conformity, and the characteristic result is religious warfare. Other animals fight for territory or food; but uniquely in the animal kingdom, human beings fight for their ‘beliefs’. The reason is that beliefs guide behavior”. 

I believe it’s time for me to quit…I have to go fricassee a duck.

Love and department stores,

Cap’n John

Post Script…wouldn’t “Pool Noodle” be a great name for a rock band?

POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX

As you loyal readers of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog are by now aware, your Cap’n (that would be me) has declared himself a candidate for dog-catcher, excuse me, I thought I was Donald Trump there for a moment, for President in 2020…that’s right, party lovers, I am issuing a challenge to all comers, be they Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Green Partyians, Peace Partyians, Reform Partyians, Deformed Partyians, Socialists, Anti-Socialists, Constitution Partyians, Constipation Partyians…you name’em. Bring’em on, and I’ll whip their butts.

My name is Cap’n John and I ain’t kidding.

First of all, I have decided, after much counsel and advice from my counselors and advisors, to call our political party…wait for it…

The Hearty Party. (Catchy, huh?) 

The Hearty Party, as in “drink up, me hearties, yo ho…” (Staying with the nautical theme, don’t you know. And FYI, “yo ho” is not how you say hi to a prostitute.) 

Like all the political prostitutes, excuse me, parties above, the Hearty Party will have a “platform” with “planks”, or statements on where we stand on the various issues facing our great country today, and I thought that I would plunge right in and begin to make my positions and ideas known so that you could all make intelligent and thoughtful decisions on which candidate you prefer in the next election…just like the people who voted for President Tweety Bird did in ’16. 

Here then, in no particular order, is a synopsis of my thoughts and ideas on the issues, with an expansion of these themes to come later in the campaign…

~IMITATION~

                Let me say right here that I firmly believe in always having no “imitations”, in all things, and that I further believe strongly that the American people should be assured that I will oppose any efforts by Congress to substitute imitation anything for the real and genuine article. My administration will not allow “fakes”, “replicas” or “knock-offs” of any kind. Americans can be confidant that, under President Cap’n John, they will always have the real deal.

~THE ECONOMY~

                There will no “trickle-down”, “trickle-up” or trickle any damned direction under a CJK administration… I believe in a strong dollar, unfettered competition, a fettered stock market, tax-free municipal Barry Bonds, capital gains and losses as needed and free beer for all citizens (except you sissy wine-drinkers; you guys can buy your own). That’s right, there will be a Beemer in every garage (wait a minute, that’s one of those Kraut rides, forget that), a Cadillac in every garage, a chicken in every pot, legal pot and discount Lotto tickets. And cable TV won’t cost fifty gazillion dollars a month when I’m Pres.

 

 

 

 

 

 

~GLOBAL WARMING~

                Hey, it’s going to be under 30 degrees here in central FLORIDA overnight again, with a “freeze warning” having been issued by the county…you’re damn right I’m in favor of global warming. And it better happen pretty soon, ‘cause everybody down here is freezing their cojones off. What, are you kidding me?

~2ND AMENDMENT~

                This is an issue that I feel very strongly about; all people should be allowed a Second Amendment, period. If the First one doesn’t work, then try a Second one. Why should American citizens not have the chance for a “do-over”? It’s un-American in thought and in action, and my administration will come down firmly in favor of giving all Americans a second chance to fuck-up, excuse me, to go back and try again. With a bigger hammer the second time, I hope. (One of my Dad’s fave jokes…”If at first you don’t succeed, get a bigger hammer.”)

~WOMEN’S RIGHTS~

                As far as the President Cap’n John administration will be concerned, women are always and always will be…right. Period. Shit, all the women I’ve ever known were. Men should learn to keep their stoopid mouths shut and just do as they’re told by the women in their lives, who typically are better, smarter, better-looking, have more common sense, smell better and don’t belch and fart like men. (Richard Pryor, may he rest in peace, once said that women don’t fart, they poot. And FYI, I think women are awesome…sadly, they don’t think I’m worth a broke fuck.) 

~FREE BEER~

                See ~ECONOMY~ above.

~LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA~

                Fucking A, bubba; you wanna’ roll up a fatty and toke up, under the CJK Presidency, you’re happenin’. And I will lobby Congress vigorously to get the price down so that middle-class Americans can have affordable dope. Just like their health-care.

I will be expanding on the above themes as the election gets nearer and my campaign heats up…I am, like most political candidates, capable of being verbose to the point of insult, as you have probably already noticed.

It’s gonna’ be a fun campaign, don’t you think?

Love and hanging chads,

Cap’n John