NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA NA, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE

“Scientists”, a much reviled group these days, if you’re a supporter of our FORMER President, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, tell us that the genus homo sapiens has forty-six (46) chromosomes in their genetic makeup. (A poll was taken some time back of people who supported DTBT…they were asked how they would react if they learned that they had a child that was a homo sapien; by an overwhelming majority, they responded that these children would be rejected by the family as evil sinners and cast down into the fiery pit of Perdition.) These same scientists also tell us that the common russet potato has forty-eight (48) chromosomes, two more than humans. The state of Idaho is the leading grower of russet potatoes in America; the state of Idaho also has 4 Electoral College votes, all of which were cast for DTBT in the election that just took place last week.

Hmmm…

There’s a correlation there, wouldn’t you say?

Anyway, in no particular order, for even I’m not that anal retentive, here are some observations on the 2020 Presidential election…

~ BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

~ Now that I have that out of my system, I’ll move on. On Election Day last Tuesday, 11/3, I happened to finish the book I had been reading, Harvesting Llama Spleens for Fun and Profit by Al Legations, and was in need of something new to peruse. (I MUST have a book working at all times; I don’t do two or three simultaneously, as some voracious readers do, since my powers of concentration rival those of a 6-year old sometimes, but always, ALWAYS there’s one going. I read for hours every day, and if I could figure a way to read while I sleep, I’d do it. My ex- was also a reader…she used to read during sex.)

In recognition of the election that was then spinning out in front of my eyes on television, my local newspaper, the Tampa Bay Times, and on the ‘Net, I decided to go back and, once again as I have on several occasions previously, re-read the outstanding and Pulitzer Prize-winning series of books by author/journalist/historian Theodore H. White, The Making of the President…; Mr. White wrote five of these amazing accounts, starting in 1960 and continuing through 1972; he skipped 1976 and resumed in 1980 (the titles all end with the year being covered, thus TMOTP 1960, TMOTP 1964, et. al.) The reason he skipped ’76 was to write what I think was his best book ever, Breach of Faith: the Fall of Richard Nixon, which did not allude to the autumn season in any manner.

I was only on the second page of the introduction for the first book, TMOTP 1960, an account of the amazing contest between John F. Kennedy and Richard M. Nixon, a campaign which included the very first live, in-person television debate between two Presidential candidates, when I was struck in the head by a meteor, pardon me, by Mr. White’s comment, speaking of the “politicians of America”, that they were men “whom I have found over the long years to be the pleasantest, shrewdest and generally the most honorable of companions.” (This was written in 1959, a decidedly different time in America.) Ted White passed on back in 1986, so he never had the joy of watching ol’ DeeTeeBeeTee and his antics during the first Presidential debate of the 2020 campaign, back in late September of this year; had he the same experience with Mr. Class and Decorum that his fellow American citizens had that night, I suspect he wouldn’t have been as lavish with his praise of politicians.

~ I will NEVER, EVER trust a poll again. Period. Landslide, gimme’ a fucking break.

~ Hats off to all the dedicated, seemingly tireless people who manned our polls and counting rooms during this election season; what an incredible and brave job these folks did. Thank you, thank you.

~ Upon hearing that FOX News had declared Arizona for Joe Biden, and then called the election, along with AP and other news outlets, for Joe Biden, saying that it was over, kaput, he’s done, stick a fork in him, and then having to listen to the various GOP heavyweights who began sounding the death knell for the Trump Campaign, I’m sure Donny was thinking (as I was), boy, like rats deserting a sinking ship, they couldn’t bail out fast enough…they were scrambling and stumbling all over each to see who could get off the Trumptanic first. Feel that cold water around your feet, Mr. President? Hope you brought a life preserver. Hey, we got what we wanted from you, a ton of business/environmental oversight reversed, a huge tax-cut for “the 1%” and a conservative SCOTUS who will most likely, speaking of sinking, oversee the dismantling of Roe v. Wade and Obamacare in the near future. Buh bye, Loser.

~ BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Sorry.

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

We interrupt this column to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! from the RUKME News Desk…

-Dateline Washington D.C.

“Trump Again Declares Himself Winner, Named SCOTU”

In yet another astounding press release, this one issued from the men’s room of the Narcissist Lounge at the famed Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach FL, home of FORMER President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, DTBT said that, “Although I won the election by more than 200 gazillion votes, even though every state, all 63 of them, counted millions of fraudulent votes, votes that were against me and were fraudulent, which was a terrible bad no-no thing for our country, and even though I could be President for life if I wanted, because of the great, great way I handled the Covid thing, despite that Fauci guy, and the great, tremendous economy we had, and even though my lawyers are going to file 25 bajillion lawsuits soon to force all 78 states to not count all those fraudulent votes they counted for the corrupt Joe Spiedon and Emmy Lou Harris ticket, even though I am the greatest President in the history of Freedonia, sorry, America, I’ve decided I’m not going to be President any more. I received a message from the Universal Council of Galaxies this morning and I learned that I have been crowned Supreme Commander of the Universe, effective immediately, and I will be leaving for the Planet Zatox to begin my reign as SCOTU just as soon as Melanoma gets us packed. I really hate to leave Russia, excuse me, America at this time, since I’m so wonderful and I know that the country could really use my wonderfulness right now, but, oh well, it is what it is. I am great, aren’t I?” When asked by RUKME Senior White House Correspondent Annie Getyourgun if the Universal Council of Galaxies understood what a douchebag they were getting, Mr. Trump gave her the finger and abruptly left the podium.

More on this breaking story as it becomes available…

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.

~ Gotta’ wonder what all the “Trumpers” out there are going to do, now that their hero has been defeated…one thing for sure, if they would leave the country and move elsewhere, the collective IQ of America would rise precipitously.

~ Tell you what, if I was President-Elect Joe and Dr. Jill Biden (doesn’t that have a nice ring to it?), the first thing I would do is have the White House maintenance staff fumigate and disinfect the entire mansion…they might want to bring in that little, tiny woman from the Poltergeist movie and have her bless the place as well. Just a thought.

~ I was watching CNN the other night when DeeTeeBeeTee made his now infamous proclamation that, despite all evidence to the contrary and the almost 75 MILLION VOTES cast for Biden/Harris, that, hey, fuck you, I won and every one in America that didn’t vote for me is a lying, cheating, fraudulent pusbag. When he was through “slobbering a bibful” as a buddy of mine from Texas used to say, they switched back to the commentator panel led by Anderson Cooper, which included “Frothy” Rick Santorum, who, when it was his turn to speak, said that, “Well, I know Donald Trump loves America”, which a) is a crock of rancid llama parts, because Donald Trump only loves Donald Trump and b) caused me to LOL, as the saying goes. Give “Frothy” credit, considering what a mewling whiny sack of rancid llama parts he usually is, it took some guts for him to then go ahead and skewer Trump for his remarks. (You guys hear about the elderly lady, who responded to her son’s text message that his wife’s mother had just passed away, by saying, “Oh, I’m so, so sorry. LOL.” The son was horrified and immediately replied, Mom, how can you laugh at this? To which she said back, laugh, I didn’t laugh, it’s not funny it’s awful. Son says back, but you said LOL, Laugh Out Loud. There’s a pause of a few minutes before the lady’s response came back to her son…oh, she says, I thought that meant Lots Of Love.)

(Reader will insert rim-shot here.)

~ Every time some pundit or reporter or commentator said “mail ballots” during the election, I’d get this mental image of “male ballots” and wonder, hey, where the hell are all the “female ballots”? I mean, come on, where’s the equality?

~ Someone in the Democratic Party needs to stuff Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and “The Squad” and all the rest of the FAR left goofs in Congress into the cargo hold of the rocket ship that’s taking Donald Trump to Zatox and send them off-planet as well; they damn near sank Joe and Kamala by making all Dems sound like rabid Socialists (Communists) to the “moderate center right” voters in the country with their 500 ZAGILLION TRILLION DOLLAR Green (as in the color of money) New Deal and all the other left-wing, “progressive” craziness. Geez already.

~ I’m gonna’ miss Donny…who the hell am I going to pick on from now on?

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Love and recounts,

Cap’n John

ALL OF THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY_PART TWO

Now I wouldn’t want anyone to get the idea from the things I’m about to say or for that matter the numerous comments I’ve made in previous posts that I don’t like President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump…besides being a liar, a racist, a misogynist and an asshole, I’m sure he’s a pretty good guy in his own way; apparently his father Fred “We Found Him Under A Rock In the Backyard One Morning, Honest” Trump liked him well enough to leave his misbegotten offspring about a bajillion dollars, making it unnecessary for PTB to ever actually do anything in his life, his claims and bragging about his “deal-making” prowess and business super-acumen notwithstanding.

No, despite his obvious shortcomings, mentioned above, and the fact that he is without a doubt one of the most despicable, loathsome, completely-lacking-in-integrity-and-class human beings ever to steal oxygen from the rest of us decent folks, 62,984,825 people voted for him in the 2016 Presidential election, and they all seem to think he is, according to his assessment of their support for him, the Second Coming of the Messiah, assuming you’re not Jewish and don’t accept as fact the First Coming.

Maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking about His Eminence; maybe I’ve been judging Him too harshly. (Yeah, and maybe, to quote Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne’s World, monkeys will fly out of my butt.)

Apparently his lackeys at FOX News have recently begun to seriously reevaluate their thinking about His Supreme Commander of the Worldness, and seemed to have reached the conclusion, like so many of us who aren’t blinded by his rhetoric and bullshit that, gee, maybe Mr. Wonderful isn’t so Wonderful after all.

Like the chicken and the egg enigma, it’s hard to tell who decided not to like who first; His Eminence has been carping about the FOX people for some time now, and just yesterday, after some recent treasonous rumblings from Mr. Trump’s State News Agency, several FOX commentators sprouted a backbone, grew a set of balls and told PTB, hey, shitwad, we don’t work for you , all indications to the contrary notwithstanding.

Will miracles never cease?

Like a petulant child having been told he can’t have any more ice cream, Second Coming stamped his foot, screamed in rage and called the FOX people some bad names (he remarked in a tweet that Donna Brazile, Juan Williams and Shep Smith were “hopeless and clueless”, being an expert on those subjects), to which FOXers Guy Benson and Brit Hume responded “Eff you, Your Eminence”, in a more appropriate manner, of course, although that was what it amounted to. (And a big shout-out and thank you to Jack Dorsey, Noah Glass, Biz Stone and Evan Williams, the creators of Twitter, for providing Mr. Trump with a platform for his constant and ongoing vileness and stupidity with their invention.)

The most telling thing I got from His Supremeness’s tweet was his comment that he needs to “start looking for a new News Outlet”, which I thought was at once a terrible alliteration and an excellent opportunity for the news reporting arm of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, RUKME.

R U Kidding Media Events…RUKME. (Pronounced as one word…think Scooby Doo.)

Boy, I thought to myself, being a male, I should step into this void and offer the services of the world’s newest news agency to His Wonderfulness, as a substitute for the fawning toadies at FOX. Hell, how hard can it be to defy all objectivity, slant your reporting, lie to your viewers, insult their intelligence and in general bow down at the altar of Lord Trump? (“Newest news”? Shit, sometimes I’m as bad as that moron in the White House.)

So I thought I would take the opportunity with today’s post and well, you know, audition for President Petulant, hoping that the crisp tone of the reporting, the high quality content, the on-the-spot timeliness of the stories and the fact that I can lie just as well as anybody would be a “YUGE” incentive to Mr. Wonderful to adopt RUKME as his BFF in the liar’s poker game of Network News.

Your Worship, please consider the following when you cast about for a replacement for your buddies at FOX…

~Dateline Stump Jump KY:

                “Senator Has Surgery, Expected To Be Out of Senate 6-8 weeks”

Doctors at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion hospital here announced today that Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Turtle Boy” McConnell had brain surgery at their facility yesterday; due to atrophy from a complete lack of use, Mr. McConnell’s brain was removed in a two-hour procedure, which Dr. S.O. Teric, the surgeon who performed the operation, said was a complete success and should result in no discernable change in McConnell’s performance of his duties as President Trump’s chief apologist and favorite fuck-puppet. He went on to say that Mr. McConnell was expected to make a full recovery and return to Congress in about 6-8 weeks, during which time he would not be missed by anyone. When asked by RUKME correspondent Terry Cloth if doctors experienced any problems during the procedure, Dr. Teric commented that other than not being able to find anything to remove at first, the operation went well.

~Dateline East Jesus NC:

                “Llama Gives Birth To Three-Headed ‘llamette’ On Local Farm”

Local farmer and Donald Trump supporter Peter Pants told RUKME reporter Polly Ethelene that a pet llama named Melania recently gave birth to a three-headed offspring on his farm, the site of a Presidential visit from The Messiah, Donald Trump, which took place eleven months ago in July of 2018, during a campaign trip to the area by the President. When asked by Ms. Ethelene about the normal gestation period of a llama, Mr. Pants replied that it was 11 months. Pants’ wife, Fancy, commented that President Trump was their idol, and that his visit and extensive tour of their farm, including time spent in seclusion in their barn with the livestock, which Mr. Trump said was an opportunity for him to “commune with nature to get a better feel for the plight of the great American farmer”, was the high point of their lives. No name has been given the new arrival as yet, but both Pants and his wife were said to be leaning towards “Junior”.

~Dateline Wanker MA:

                “Experiments Reveal Dramatic Drop In Canine IQ”

Scientists at the prestigious Stephen Hawking Institute of Technology announced here today that experiments performed recently on canines, in which the animals were forced to listen to hours of continuous broadcasts of FOX News commentators Juan Williams, Donna Brazile and Shep Smith for a period of several months resulted in a measureable and marked decrease in the dog’s Intelligence Quotient scores, and that it was felt by the researchers that the dog’s qualifications to run for Congress were greatly enhanced by the experiments. Dr. Phil Herup, the Director of SHIT, was quoted as saying, “We think we have finally found a way to enable “man’s best friend” to assist Americans in the governance of our great country” and assured RUKME reporter Laurel Enhardy, when questioned about any harm that might have been done to the animals, that “no dog was hurt during the procedures, as far as we know”. One of the animals that was part of the research, a bitch named Ivanka, pictured here with Dr. Herup, was said to have dropped from her normal canine IQ range of 125 down to a score of 12, or about the level of a typical Republican Congressperson. GOP Congressional leaders from the state of Massachusetts are said to be considering running Ivanka in the next year’s race in the 589th Congressional District, currently represented by Democrat Art Supplies.

~Dateline Clearwater FL:

                “Florida Man Arrested With Trump-Shaped Ecstasy Pills”

The Pinellas County Sheriff and Clearwater Police Departments announced today that a local man, Brendan Dolan-King, was caught with a number of Trump-shaped Ecstasy pills in his home  and was charged with possession of a controlled substance, possession of a ghastly sense of humor and general mopery. According to Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Coral Reef, the strangely shaped pills were labeled “Great Again” and that they were extremely ugly. Dolan-King is to be arraigned on Tuesday.

Okay, Pres, there’s our audition to become your “fave” news agency…I can’t imagine that you’ll find any other network more qualified, more concise in their reporting and more willing to become your go-to agency to bleet and blatt about how wonderful you are and how lucky America is to have you as our President.

Besides, I’m pretty sure CNN, MSNBC, the Washington Post and the New York Times aren’t going to be lining up for the job…they have better taste and better sense.

On second thought, I think I’ll join them…never mind.

Love and Pulitzers,

Cap’n John

Post Script…as you can see from the link, the last item was in fact true…god, I love living in Florida. Despite the hurricanes.