I’M NOT LAUGHING ANYMORE

Author Stephen King, one of my fave writers and one of my not-fave liberal snot-wads, has written a number of essays on the mechanics of “writing”; in fact, he’s written almost as many of those as he has books, being apparently obsessed with “writing” to the point of distraction. In one of these numerous treatments, he spoke (at great length, on-and-on at great length, like Charles Dickens at his worst please STFU at great length) about how a writer should be obsessed with words, to want to wallow around in words. I’m sure it would be to SK’s great satisfaction to know that I wholeheartedly agree with him. (Although I don’t rattle on about it.)

I love words…I don’t care to have sex with them, but I have great affection for language, for the actual “words” themselves. I enjoy playing with words, with phrases, with their connectivity and their weightiness.

I see dead people in words. (Okay, that’s not true, I just threw that in there to make sure you were paying attention.)

When I was living in the San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles, some years ago, there was a street in my neighborhood named “Moorpark”; as I was driving past one day, seeing the street sign, I realized that Moorpark backwards is “kraproom”.

Yeah, I see words in ways others don’t. And I believe that words have specific meanings which are not near as “gray area” as many people believe, that words can cut surgically, can evoke emotions and are to be wielded carefully.

So it drives me a little bat-shit when I see words being used profligately, or sloppily, without care. And I really don’t like the trend I’m seeing these days to “make up” words, just for their advertising or PR value, just to attract attention to something when the word has no relevance to that thing.

Like google.

I hate the word “google”. (Not that I don’t do it several dozen times a day, like most people on the planet.)

Supposedly, there is a back-story to how this obnoxious word came into existence, which you can read about on your own; frankly, I don’t buy it. I figure some smart Marketing person someplace convinced Larry Page and Sergey Brin, the two guys who founded the company, that they needed a “catchy” name to attract attention, something that people would remember but didn’t necessarily have to have anything to do with Web searching. I know its good marketing, but it’s an affront to language. (Good thing this isn’t Orwell’s 1984 or I’d call the Thought Police on them.)

“Memes” is another one…yeah, same routine, there’s supposedly a back-story to this one as well but it also sounds like horseshit. Hell, it isn’t even spelled correctly, for crissake. S-e-e-m-s is pronounced “seems” and d-e-e-m-s is pronounced “deems” and t-e-e-m-s is pronounced “kanooten” so why the hell isn’t is “m-e-e-m-s”? Geez.

So in my great dissatisfaction with this fabricated word, I have unilaterally decided to change it…if it has to be a “made-up” name, it should at least be something interesting. So from now on, they are no longer to be known as “meems”, using the phonetically correct spelling; starting today, any “humorous video, image, piece of text, etc. that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users” (the Web Dictionary definition) is now to be called and referred to as…

…”gruwals”.

Gruwals. Please make a note of it.

Thank you. And screw your “meems” bullshit, and the horse you rode in on.

You’ll also note, if you’re paying attention, and if you aren’t please do so, as there will be a quiz on this material next week, that I am using a number of gruwals in this week’s post, all of them having the same subject matter, His Eminence, the Lord High Ruler of the Universe, Duke of Earl and Marquis of Queensbury, Exalted Grand Poohah of All He Surveys and Prince of Thieves, our President, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump.

You will recall that I received a letter from his Head Lackey, Rudy Giuliani, which I shared with you last week, ordering me, err, sorry, asking me politely to be available on Wednesday, 7/17, at 1:00PM EST to receive a phone call from His Wonderfulness, to engage me in conversation…be still my beating heart.

And sure enough, just a few minutes past 1:00 (I would have thought the Commander In Thief would run a tighter ship than that), my phone rang and the number 202-456-1111 appeared on the Caller ID screen.

The White House.

Since my First Mate Taffie Wetzel was off battening down hatches, I was forced to answer my own phone.

“Cap’n John…”

“Please hold for His Majesty, Supreme Highness Trump…”

(His “hold” music is the tune “Hail To The Chief”…subtle.)

And then I heard that high-pitched, nasally voice come over the line…

“Cap’n John? Can I call you Cap’n John?”

“Mr. President, you have called me twice before and we’ve discussed this both times…you can call me “Cap’n John” if I can call you “Donald”, otherwise it’s Cap’n Krissongs.”

“Well, that’s awfully disrespectful, don’t you think? After all, I am the Supreme Ruler of the World, err, excuse me, President,” he responded, sounding a little miffed.

“Coming from the man who called Senator John McCain a “loser”, who said he “wasn’t a war hero” and that said about women that you just “grab them by the pussy”, a lecture from you about disrespect is a little disingenuous, don’t you think?”

“Well, I’m glad you agree that I’m a stable genius, anyway.”

“That isn’t what I said. Disingenuous means, shit, never mind,” I said, already exasperated. “What can I do for you today?”

        **********************************************************************************

I wrote the above on Sunday, 7/14, thinking to finish the following day; this is common for me, as I like to review what I’ve come up with from the fresh eye of a new day. It was also done just prior to President Donald Trump’s now infamous tweet directed at the “four Congresswomen” to “go back” where they came from if they didn’t like America. And I am so outraged and sickened by what he said, that I just can’t find it in my heart to finish this post.

A couple of points here…first, I don’t agree with most of what these four women, Representatives Alexandria Cortez-Ocasio of New York, Ilhan Omar of Minnesota, Ayanna Pressley of Massachusetts and Rashida Tlaib of Michigan, the alleged targets of the message and self-proclaimed as the “squad”, have to say; they are all far-left, “progressive” Democrats, and their mix of socialism, liberal politics and Democratic “tax and spend” doesn’t appeal to me in the least.

Second, I suspect that in the President’s mind his comments were not, as he has claimed, “racist”…I emphasize the phrase “in his mind”. Mr. Trump says he isn’t a racist, but his words and actions certainly seem to indicate to the contrary.

That Donald Trump is a misogynist and a liar there is no doubt, and while those things do not have any direct relationship to his most recent remarks, with the addition of “racist” to the litany of charges against this man, the bottom-line sum is a person who is not qualified to hold the office of President of the United States.

He is an embarrassment to our country and a blight on humanity.

What is even more troubling for me is not only the uptick in his approval numbers in polls taken just this week, but seeing his misguided supporters chanting “Lock her up!” at a rally he held down in North Carolina yesterday.

I could not be more disgusted.

Because the First Amendment of our Constitution says that these women, no matter how much we might not agree with what they say, no matter how much their words may anger us, have a right to speak; they don’t need Donald Trump’s approval in advance, and if he doesn’t like their points of view, tough. I don’t like what they’re saying either.

He’s playing to his base, who is as racist as he is, in preparation for the 2020 election, and his base is responding, and that is disturbing to say the least.

I write the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog with one sole purpose…to make people laugh, to give my readers (all three of you, as I like to joke) a few moments of respite from an increasingly unhappy, frantic world. I’m sorry that I failed you this week, but there is nothing funny in the actions and words of Donald Trump.

I’ll try again next week, with a completely different subject, and I’m sure I’ll continue to poke fun at Mr. Trump from time to time in the future; he is, after all, a buffoon, and typically there is humor in buffoonery.

Just not this week.

You guys are awesome…thank you for allowing me to fall off the humor bandwagon for a moment.

#IStandWithIlhan

Love and the First Amendment,

Cap’n John

I GET LETTERS_VOL IV

After all the years of training, the studying and privations, the seemingly endless, agonizing drills, the time had finally come.

He stared at me with his steely gray eyes, and then spoke in a voice that was hard with intent.

“You have your orders, soldier…this isn’t a drill,” he said, as he handed me a wrench.

“No, sir,” I responded, “it’s a 56mm left-handed kroysening wrench, sir.”

“You know what to do, Lieutenant,” he said, as he raised his right hand to his forehead in salute. “Dismissed.”

I snapped to attention and returned his salute, then spun on my heel to leave. As I got to the door, I turned back to him.

“Sir, excuse me, but I think you look wonderful in that cerise bikini.”

Back in November of last year, motivated by a remark made by an uber-sweetie person named Katrina, who is my boss at the Publix grocery store where I work as a part-time Front Service Clerk, after she had read some of my posts on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, I explored the idea that I might have a “for-real” author lurking about inside my cranium, searching for a story idea and struggling to break free of the restraints of writing “humor”; sadly, I came to the conclusion then, and certainly the above supports that conclusion, that I’m incapable of being serious for more than a few moments at a time, rendering it difficult to write anything of any substance.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with writing humor…shit, I think I’m hysterical; I go back and read old posts of mine and laugh like a crazed loon. Besides, I seem to be fairly good at it…hey, would a media guru like Anuj Agarwal (who?) of the RSS and website ranking service Feedspot.com have named WATRUK to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET if I wasn’t the second coming of Dave Barry, whose blog by the way is also on the list? (Okay, I had to bribe AA for the ranking…I gave him a bajillion dollars and lifetime free beer to get added.) (Okay, that’s a lie, I didn’t give him a bajillion dollars, but I did promise him the beer.) (Okay, I didn’t promise him any beer, I just submitted the WATRUK blog for their perusal, they perused and the rest is geography. Though I did beg and cry like a sissy-mary to be included.)

Damn good thing I don’t suffer from the agony of false humility, isn’t it?

I enjoy writing, something I came to in the “sunset” of my life…I enjoy sex too, but being in the “sunset” of my life, writing is a helluva lot easier to come by these days. Besides, when it comes to women, I’m like a dog chasing a car…if I caught one, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

I used to be compelled, back in my youth, to do really mean things to my pet guinea pig, Alphonse, with a Dremel tool, but I finally outgrew that and now find my day-to-day compulsion to be writing. I seem to get all fuzzy and twitchy when I’m not putting words on paper (okay, words on a computer screen).

****SPECIAL BULLETIN****

Sorry to break into the narrative here, but something occurred to me earlier that I just have to get off my chest…you guys heard about this lunatic Joey Chestnut, the guy who won the Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest last Thursday on the 4th? Yeah, this nimrod ate 71 HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS) IN ONE SITTING to win this year’s contest.

SEVENTY ONE HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS).

****CONTENT WARNING****

(I’m about to say something gross.)

So here’s what I was pondering after I read about Mr. Glutton of the Century Chestnut…can you imagine the dump that guy must have to take the next day? EEEEEEEYEWWWWW. “Children, can you say plunger?”

Sorry.

****WE RETURN YOU NOW TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMED BLOG POST****

Besides the HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS Feedspot ranking (HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS!) for the WATRUK blog, I also recently received a PM from a really nice lady I know down in the Lone Star State (every time the phrase “Lone Star” comes up on my radar I think about the movie Spaceballs by Mel Brooks…Google it so you understand and save me the explanation if you would) who besides being a published poet is a big fan of the WATURK blog, who said to me, “You are as funny as Dave Barry but with the wonderful dark chaos of the Marx Brothers.”

I sent her five bucks. (Seriously, what a nice thing for her to say.)

Speaking of writing (Holy John Steinbeck, Batman, that’s one of my smoothest segues ever), I’m getting a lot of feedback in the form of letters, emails, texts, carrier pigeon messages, etc., pissing and moaning, err, excuse me, commenting on a couple of columns I posted recently…mostly from whiners.

I thought to share them with you.

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                This letter is in response to the remarks in your post of 6/20, wherein you viciously malign our starting quarterback, Jameis Winston; although I agree with most of what you said, as the new head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I felt I should offer some feedback. It’s true that, sadly, Jameis has been “diagnosed with ‘Dumbfuck disease’” and that the “long-term expectations that he will ever amount to a cup of warm spit are pretty much nil”…well, now that I think about it, given the above, I guess I don’t have any response after all. You’re right, Jameis is pretty much useless. Never mind.

                                Bruce Ariens, Head Coach

                                Tampa Bay Buccaneers”

“Dear Cap’n John:

                As planetary spokesperson for Zatox (“The Best Little Planet In The Galaxy”), I have been directed by planetary officials to issue to Earth our most sincere apology for the return of Earthling Dennis Rodman to you after we abducted him many years ago; in retrospect, we now realize that, in the interest of improved relations between worlds here in the Galaxy and the elimination of an eyesore, rather than return him to you, we should have stuffed the ugly cross-dressing freak into the air-lock and shipped his butt off into the deepest reaches of outer space. We goofed…sorry about that. If you want, we can return Amelia Earhart as compensation; she’s a real sweetie and a helluva’ pilot and we’d miss her, but we figure we owe you one. Let us know, please.

                                Regards,

                                Wq56HH[rt] YYYY<>95hj, Planetary Spokesperson

                                Planet Zatox”

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                As head of the 556-person legal team that represents President Donald Trump, I have been directed by His Eminence to inform you that He is aware of the malicious and unwarranted comments you wrote on your blog recently re the attendance and general make-up of the events and participants at the gala “Celebration of America” here in Washington on July 4th, but rather than address these in His usual manner by tweeting something that is either inane or a bare-faced lie, excuse me, by tweeting a contradiction, in an effort at conciliation with the “Fake News Press”, of which He considers you a member, His Worship has decided to speak with you directly and asks that you make yourself available on Wednesday, 7/17, for a personal phone call. His Eminence will speak with you at 1:00pm EST, just after His normal lunch of several Big Macs, three pounds of fries and a chocolate shake.

                                Sincerely,

                                Rudy Giuliani, Head Lackey

                                The White House”

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                My name is I. Dontknow Howe, of the law firm Dewey Cheatem and Howe and I represent Mr. Boris Badenov and Ms. Natasha Fatale; I have been asked by my clients to contact you and to advise you that, should you continue your libelous and defamatory remarks re my clients having been in contact with President Donald Trump’s campaign manager Brad Parscale to offer their assistance in the re-election of the President in your blog post of 7/4, they will be forced to pursue whatever legal remedies are available to them. Despite the fact that Mr. Badenov and Ms. Fatale are cartoon characters, they are offended by the alleged connection to the Trump campaign and feel that their “brand” has been damaged by this connection. While it is true that both Badenov and Fatale were spies/agents for an undisclosed Eastern Bloc Commie country during the Cold War, and worked vigorously for the downfall of “moose and squirrel”, they believe that any dealings with someone as unscrupulous, dishonest and altogether “stoopid” as President Trump is an awful reflection on their limited character…they may be sleezy, but they’re saints compared to Mr. Trump.

                Thank you for your cooperation in advance.

                 I. Dontknow Howe, Attorney

                 Dewey Cheatem and Howe”

Well, I can’t wait to hear what President “Twetty Bird” has to say to me on the 17th…probably not anything I want to hear, but then, that pretty much is the case every time he opens his yap to speak.

And you know what, I feel bad about Boris and Natasha…I always liked them when they were on with Rocky and Bullwinkle; back in those days, cartoon characters were cute, clever and funny. The cartoon characters in Washington these days? Not so much.

Love and the Postal Service,

Cap’n John

IT SAID “PRESS RELEASE” SO I DID

****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE****

July 2, 2019

“Mr. Anuj Agarwal, founder and president of Feedspot.com, the RSS and website ranking service, announced today that the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog has been added to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET list, effective immediately.

When asked to comment on the prestigious addition, Captain and Master of the R U Kidding as well as editor of the WATRUK blog Cap’n John Krissongs was quoted as saying, “Wow, I haven’t been this excited since Missy Wallace lost her top doing a half-gainer off the 10-meter board at our local pool back in 10th grade.” Cap’n John went on to say that with this inclusion and a five dollar bill, he could buy a Vente Frappuccino almond latte with no foam, no WD40, no soy, extra Frisbees with a shot of mitten sauce.

Memorial arrangements were incomplete pending notification of the next-of-kin.”

I checked out Mr. Agarwal’s site after I received his email advising me of this “prestigious addition” the other day and found that the WATRUK blog was actually #110 on the Feedspot Humor Blog Hit Parade, with a bullet, so either AA fibbed a little or he can’t count for shit.

But that’s okay, because if his site and their “rankings list” brings more readers to the WATRUK blog, I’m all for it. For some time now I’ve wanted to increase my number of loyal readers from the current level (three) to something more significant (four) and hopefully this is a giant step towards achieving that goal.

I Googled “what is RSS” just before I started writing this post and spent several minutes attempting to decipher the digital-age gibberish, to little avail. I remember a time, back in the 1800s, when I considered myself fairly savvy vis-à-vis anything “computer” but these days I get the feeling that I’m qualified to be Tampa Bay’s entrant in the 2019 “Digital Moron of the Year” contest.

Shit.

Anyway, to all the faithful Kidders out there in DigitalLand, happy 4th of July.

According to various history books, online sites such as WikiPedia, noted defragmenters and mega-hertz graphics hierarchies (beats me, I told you I was a computer moron), the Declaration of Independence of the American colonies from the mother-ship Great Britain was only ADOPTED on 7/4; it wasn’t actually signed by all 54 notaries until August 2nd, 1776, due to some delay in the cross-platform. Not only did I learn all this from my research on the July 4th holiday, I also learned that, per the biometrics, over 150 MILLION hot dogs are consumed by Americans each 4th, which if placed end to end, would stretch from L.A. to Washington D.C. and back five times. I’m assuming the 150M number would include the 71 eaten today by this year’s Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest winner Joey Chestnut, which has to be one the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. I wanna’ go out back and yark in the azaleas just thinking about eating SEVENTY-ONE HOT DOGS AT ONE SITTING.

Gross.

But since it’s newsworthy, R U Kidding Media Events will be sending correspondent Al Pinevalley to cover the festivities at New York’s Coney Island this year. Better known by its acronym RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby Do), you will recall that the most recent addition to the world of online news sites was launched back on 5/17/19, and has been providing up-to-the-minute reporting on such media events as the Nathan’s Contest (see above, above), the signing of the Dec of Inde and the recent screening of the new flick from filmmaker Wade Ingpool, “Zombie Sluts From Cleveland”, which is already being given some Academy Award consideration in the “Blockchain Cache” category.

Which leads me right into this week’s topic, recent news headlines, which is easily the smoothest segue you’ll ever see on the WATRUK blog, believe me.

Denary desk-checking.

~Dateline Washington D. C.:

                “Only 14 People Attend Massive 4th Of July Celebration In Nation’s Capital!”

                Despite spending $250 gazillion of the taxpayer’s money and inviting and providing free tickets to every conservative asshat in the country, only 14 people showed up at the supposed-to-be gala Independence Day Celebration orchestrated by President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump on Thursday, 7/4. Although the mega-event was billed as a “Celebration of America” rather than the political rally it actually was, it featured U.S. military tanks and other rolling hardware on parade, flyovers by Air Force One and the Blue Angels Flight Demonstration Squad, various GOP members of Congress dressed and made-up as clowns (normal attire), dancing bears, women in skimpy outfits, each with their own bodyguard to protect them from the President and rock legend-in-his-own-mind Ted Nugent playing “America the Beautiful” on guitar while dressed in a red, white and blue jockstrap. When asked about the abysmal attendance, the President stated that it was the “largest crowd to ever witness a spectacle in D.C. history, just like my inauguration.” (PTB had asked Russian President For Life Vladimir Putin to provide Russian tanks and hardware for the festivities, but Dictator and Trump BFF Putin declined, stating that “Donnie is my good friend but he’s such a crook he’d probably keep everything we sent over.”)

~Dateline Washington D.C. (again):

                “DNC Says Another Debate Planned In Response To Trump’s Failed July 4th Celebration”

                Democratic National Committee Chairperson Tom “Republicans Are Lying Snotwads” Perez announced today that, in response to what he called the “partisan and completely bogus” 4th of July celebration staged today in the nation’s capital by President Trump, all 356 Democratic Presidential hopefuls would be invited to participate in another debate next week. When questioned in an exclusive interview with RUKME correspondent Marshall Law about including ALL the current candidates in one giant cluster-fuck, thus limiting their response times dramatically, Perez said, “All Americans need to see and hear the Demo…” as his time ran out. Senator Bernie “Colonel” Sanders, one of the huge group of Democrats hoping for the party’s 2020 nomination, immediately tweeted that he would only participate if “we can give away a bajillion dollars to each and every taxpayer in the country.”

~Dateline Washington D.C. (once more):

                “Cold War Spies Boris and Natasha Offer To Assist President Trump With Dirt On 2020 Dem Candidate”

                RUKME has learned that, in response to President Trump’s comments several weeks ago that he would be willing to listen to any “dirt” on his Democratic opponent in the 2020 Presidential campaign from foreign sources, Trump Campaign Manager Brad “I Have No Shame” Parscale was contacted by Cold War spies/Russian agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, who offered to provide “dirt” to the President’s campaign on any Democratic nominee. Badenov and Fatale, besides being spies, were also featured in the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” cartoons in the 1960s, which would make them perfect conspirators for the Trump reelection effort. When contacted by RUKME correspondent Warren Peace, both Badenov and Fatale said that they just wanted to get even with “moose and squirrel”, alluding to Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose, who are both Democrats, and then declined further comment.

~Dateline Pyongyang North Korea:

                “Kim Says Will Halt Nuclear Proliferation If Given California”

                Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of North Korea and “great person born of heaven” Kim Jong-un said today that, in return for America giving him the State of California, he would voluntarily halt all nuclear testing in his country, effective “sometime, maybe tomorrow or in the next century perhaps”. The North Korean dictator and BFF to American President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump further stated that if he wasn’t given title to the “Golden State” he would immediately launch missiles on San Francisco, despite the fact that his nuclear arsenal only has the capability of reaching halfway across the Pacific, even with a tail-wind. When asked by RUKME correspondent Jena Rator about the lack of distance capability of his rockets, Kim said “no comment” and then rushed off to play with his G.I. Joe Action Figures.

~Dateline Forest City IA:

                “RV Manufacturer Announces New ‘Mitch McConnell’ Line of RVs”

                Recreational vehicle manufacturer Winnebago announced today that it will be launching its new “Mitch McConnell” line of RVs in the immediate future. Company President Chuck Wagon stated that Winnebago was motivated to create the “new and exciting” line of campers to represent the “integrity and honesty” of the current Senate Majority Leader, and that they expected huge sales of the new vehicle. Wagon went on to say that the camper (pictured below) would be available in only one color, Republican Red, and that it would have no options, just an empty space in the rear, in keeping with McConnell’s far right-wing legislative programs.

Well, at least if His Eminence, our dear President, decided to declare RUKME stories “fake news”, he’d actually be right for once.

Love and Betsy Ross,

Cap’n John

SPORTS, HISTORY AND WHY SOCCER IS REALLY “STOOPID”

(Editor’s note: this week’s post is dedicated to my newest fan, although I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know she’s a fan just yet, my buddy and co-worker at Publix, Ms. Sarah. Even though we all keep telling her what a crappy attitude she has, she’s really a good kid and hard worker, both in school and at the store. Happy summer, sweetie.)

As I mentioned in last week’s column, and have mentioned numerous times in the past here on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, your Cap’n (that would be me) is a major sports fan, which is not to be confused with ceiling, exhaust, circulating or radiator. I’m also a bit of a history buff, and find the origins of sports to be quite interesting.

(And just for the sake of saying it, “interesting” has to be one of the most boring, mundane and uninteresting words in the English language, much like “yarn” or “Congress”.)

Anyway, as a PSA for all my loyal readers (all several of you), I thought I would take a moment today and discuss the origins and inventors of the various major sports. (The creators of the board game “Clue” were going to name one of the suspects “Major Sports”, but upon further deflection, decided on “Colonel Mustard” instead, who of course not only outranked the Major but did it in the Conservatory with the Revolver.)

Since I’m an enormous baseball fan, I thought I would start with America’s Pastime. (Actually, I’m pretty sure America’s Pastime is sex, but back in 1916, boring, mundane and uninteresting Congress passed the Make Baseball America’s Official Pastime Since Sex Is Dirty, Messy and Disgusting and Makes Americans Sound Like Pervs Act, a bill that was introduced in the House by Congressman Twono Trump, a distant relative of our current President and alleged serial woman abuser, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump. The legislation passed both houses by overwhelming votes.)

(Phone rings in the background)

Excuse me…

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, First Mate.”

“I said what?”

“Oh, I hadn’t noticed. I’ll correct that right away. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.”

That was my First Mate Taffie Wetzel; she monitors my posts in real-time to assist me and to keep me from stepping on my crank too often. Apparently, the word I wanted above was “reflection”. (She’s a snot.)

Baseball was allegedly invented by a man named Abner Doubleday, WAY back in the late 1800s, and as the myth goes, this was done in the small upstate New York town of Cooperstown, which back in those days was about as for off the beaten path as you could get. Recently however, historical documents have come to light challenging Doubleday’s claim to fame, and in fact suggest that rules for and the general organization of the game were written by a man named Daniel “Doc” Adams back in 1857, and that the L.A. Dodgers immediately tanked that season and blew the World Series by being swept by the Effingham Mudbutts, 4 games to 0. And what I meant by saying that I’m “an enormous baseball fan” back there in Paragraph 5 was that I really enjoy baseball a lot…I didn’t mean that I’m enormous, I mean, I’m a little overweight but, well shit, never mind.

We know for sure, since it happened more recently, that American football, or “gridiron” football for the way that the batter, which is also a term used in baseball, is poured on the “iron” and then baked into pancakes with treads, thus greatly improving the player’s traction on the field, was invented back in the late 1800s by a Yale undergrad named Walter Camp. Mr. Camp had a brother named Caleb “Training” Camp who, in 1920, went on to become the head coach of the Rockdale Snorkels in the then newly formed National Football League, who immediately trounced the L.A. Dodgers in Super Bowl –LLLXXXIII, 85-0. The League was formed in just-as-far-off-the-beaten-path-as-Cooperstown-NY Canton OH, which besides being the home of the NFL Hall Of Fame, was also the home of our 25th President, William McKinley, who as far as anyone knows was not a serial abuser of women like some guys in the White House, as well as the site of the National First Ladies’ Library, another one of those ambiguous phrases like “an enormous baseball fan” that could mean it was the first library for ladies or was the First Lady’s Library, since McKinley was a married man, therefore having a First Lady, who could have had a library, I suppose.

(Phone rings in background)

Shit…excuse me again.

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, First Mate Wetzel…”

“I’m sorry, I said what?”

“Yes, Ms. Wetzel, I’ll correct that right away. Thank you.”

Apparently I confused “waffle iron” with “gridiron” in the last paragraph…it’s called a gridiron because of the lines on the field. (You know that word that rhymes with “witch”? Yeah.)

Another Major Sport that is followed by many people here in America, as well as around the globe, is basketball, which was created by a guy named James Naismith back in 1891, using peach baskets and a “soccer-type” ball. Naismith was a physical education instructor and peach farmer, as well as being the founder of the basketball program at the University of Kansas, who annihilated the L.A. Dodgers in the Final Four Championship in 1911 by a score of 119-23. The game evolved from a collegiate sport to a professional one with the formation of the National Basketball Association in 1936, which only seventeen people in America had ever heard of prior to 1984, when the Chicago Bulls drafted a guy named Michael Jordan from the University of North Carolina, and the rest, as they say, is geography. (Jordan went on the become the Greatest Player Of All Time, won a bajillion titles, scored several gazillion points , won the MVP trophy 47 times and had a shoe named after him…anybody ever hear of Air LeBron? Yeah, I didn’t think so.)

Then there’s hockey, which was invented back in 1917 by a bunch of prize fighters from Canada, who had very few teeth, no brains, said “yah, hey dere” a lot and decided that staging prize fights while ice-skating simultaneously would be interesting (there’s that word again), proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that all Canadians are dweebs.

Another “sport”, using the term loosely, that has gotten a great deal of attention in this country in recent years is soccer, which is not to be confused with the word “succor”, which means “any game that has the players run back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth on a huge field for over an hour without anything happening is boring and stoopid”. No one knows when soccer was invented because no one with an IQ above that of a doorknob gives a crap. At least hockey is “interesting”.

(Phone rings in the background)

Shit…excuse me again.

“Cap’n John…”

“What is it, First Mate?”

“Thank you.” (I really don’t like that woman.)

According to my extremely irritating First Mate, the word “succor” actually means “to give assistance in time of need or distress; to help, aid or relieve.” Consider me corrected.

Modern tennis has evolved from a game called “paume”, which is French for “snot-wad”, and was played as far back as the 12th century BCE by cavemen using peach baskets and “soccer-type” balls on a covered indoor court, into the fast-paced, tirade-laced game it has become today. Sadly, the inventors of “tennis” didn’t have the good sense to put the freakin’ net AROUND the court rather than across the middle where’s its smack in the way…stoopid. “Real tennis” or royal tennis was much loved by kings and nobles, who would begin games by yelling the word “tenez”, which is Swahili for “You people REALLY elected Donald Trump President? Really?”. Today’s version of tennis is referred to as “lawn tennis”, since it is now played on a grass or clay court outdoors by players in skimpy outfits with crappy attitudes. (The players have crappy attitudes, not the outfits.)

(Phone rings in the background)

I’m going to kill her…

“Cap’n John…”

“YES, First Mate, what is it now?”

“Fine, I’ll correct those errors right away. But Ms. Wetzel, if you interrupt me again, I’ll have you thrown in the brig, drawn and halved and then force you to watch Major League Soccer (boy, THERE’S an oxymoron for you) for the next 48 hours non-stop.”

According to Ms. Know-It-All, the word “paume” means “palm” in French, since tennis was originally played bare-handed without rackets, plus it wasn’t played with “peach baskets and a soccer-type ball”, and the word “tenez” is French for “play”.

(Phone rings in the background)

“WHAT?!?”

“Fine.”

Excuse me, its “drawn and quartered”, not “drawn and halved”.

I’m gonna’ go watch the Dodgers…they’re playing a Little League team from the San Fernando Valley, which is the home of former Dodger great Fernando Valenzuela. They might be able to beat these guys…but don’t count on it.

Love and jockstraps,

Cap’n John

Post Script…(phone rings in the background several times…answering machine voice says to leave a message)…”Cap’n John, this is First Mate Wetzel again. Fernando Valenzuela was from Mexico, sir.”

SPORTS REPORTING, AND OTHER SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITIES

I am a huge baseball/sports fan, like many in my family.

I was thinking of my Uncle Ed recently, on the 75th anniversary of D-Day; although he fought in the Pacific, he and my Dad, who was in the ETO, and so many other incredibly courageous men and women went overseas to fight Fascism, and I admired both of them greatly.

My uncle was a character, an optometrist, a sports fan and a fabulous story-teller, not in that order.

Ed grew up in a little town in Southern Indiana back in the Depression, and had the usual cast of characters most of us have as friends growing up. The following story involves two of them, Benjamin Turley, known to all as Benny, and the local bully, Roger Askholt.

According to UE, as he told the story one afternoon on the front porch of their home in Seymour IN to my cousins Eddie and Jimmy and myself (we were 12, 10 and 9 respectively), nobody liked Roger; everyone called him Asshole (behind his back) a) because of his last name and b) because he apparently was a rather large one.

Even though Roger routinely beat the snot out of Benny, the beatee followed the beater around like a small puppy dog. Their friendship was of mutual isolation; nobody liked Roger, and Benny was a nervous, highly excitable nerd-sickle who stuttered when he talked and picked his nose when he didn’t.

One hot summer day, the boys decided to go fishing; they gathered up their poles, a couple of sammichs each, some worms (in case the sammichs weren’t enough) and headed for their fave fishing hole, about a three mile walk out from town.

The boys arrived at the spot, baited their hooks, threw them in the water and sat down to wait.

“I suh-sure hope we ca-catch su-sumpin’, Roger,” Benny stuttered. Benny never, ever called his friend by the nickname all the other boys used.

“Shut up, Benny,” said Roger, a/k/a Asshole.

After a while they ate their sammichs, and after another while, Roger had to take an enormous dump. Telling Benny to watch his pole, Roger ambled off behind some bushes at the edge of the pond, dropped trou and let fly.

Now there’s only a few poisonous snakes indigenous to Southern Indiana, the copperhead being one; it’s only found in the southern part of the state, and then rarely, but that fateful day, Roger managed to stumble onto one. Just as he was finishing his business, the only copperhead snake in a 10 mile radius found him, decided he looked likely and proceeded to bite him.

Right on the scrotum.

Now the bite of a copperhead is painful yet seldom fatal, unless left untreated for a long period of time. Of course, the boys didn’t know this.

Roger let out a humongous yell, fell to his side (away from his recent excretory effort, fortunately), cupped his balls with his hands and started writhing wildly. Benny ran into the weeds to his friend, who screamed that he had been “bit by a rattler”, which was highly improbable, given their non-existence in Indiana.

Benny began to run about wildly, waving his arms and shaking his head, not knowing how to help his friend. Roger screamed again, this time telling Benny to run into town to fetch Doc Soames. Since Benny had no better plan, he immediately set off at a run. Now Benny was a nerd, a stutterer and a nose-picker, but he was also the school track and field guy; he could run like the wind.

He ran the three miles back to town, directly to the office of the only doctor in the county, that of old Dr. Soames. As he rushed into the waiting room, he was astonished to find it empty; no nurse, no waiting patients, no one. He frantically rang the bell on the reception desk, and after a few moments, Doc Soames’ nurse charged out the back room and informed Benny, who managed to stammer out the emergency, failing to mention where Roger had been bitten, that Doc was in the back delivering a baby and would not be able to come to help for some time.

She told Benny to wait, disappeared through the door, came back a moment later and informed Benny that “Doc says to clean the bite and then suck the venom out, otherwise he might die”, then turned abruptly and disappeared again into the delivery room. (She apparently thought the boys were goofin’ on her.)

Benny stood for a minute, digesting what he had been told. He then proceeded to run back to where he left Roger, worrying all the way about how he was going to perform the necessary procedure on his bullying friend. He fretted and stewed, shaking his head as he ran, and couldn’t think of any way he could avoid the inevitable.

When he finally got back to his friend, he found Roger still writhing in pain on the ground.

“Where’s Doc Soames? What did he say?” screamed Roger.

And poor Benny, overexcited, overloaded and overwhelmed by it all, screamed back, “He says you’re gonna’ duh-die, Asshole.”

My loyal readers (all a couple of you) will recall that the WATRUK blog launched the RUKME News Service recently (that’s RUKME, pronounced as one word…think Scooby Do). We are now happy to announce the…

                         

                               ***TOTALLY NEW RUKME SPORTS LINE***

 …with all the latest from the world of sporting events.

Full coverage will begin in a few weeks, but here’s some headlines of recent events to give you a taste of what’s to come…

~Dateline Boston MA February 2060:

                “NE Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady Announces Retirement After 59 Seasons In The NFL!”

After 59 regular seasons, umpty-gazillion Super Bowls, several dozen MVP awards for both regular season and the Super Bowl play, enough mileage from passing yards to make it to the Moon and having outlived six coaches, Patriots venerable and ancient quarterback Tom Brady has FINALLY announced his retirement, effective immediately. The 83-year old QB told RUKME correspondent Laurel Enhardy, “I really felt I could play another season or two, but Giselle has been after me to spend more time with our grandkids, so after much thought and discussion with my family and also my gerontologist, Dr. R. U. Serious, I’ve decided to hang up my cleats and call it a career.” As a result of his extended stay in the NFL plus his endorsements and other financial dealings, Brady’s net worth now exceeds that of Canada and Lower Botswana combined.

~Dateline Tampa Bay FL:

“Tampa Bay Buccaneers Quarterback Jameis Winston Diagnosed With Career-Ending “Dumbfuck Disease”!”

Spokesman for the inept and completely useless Tampa Bay QB announced today that Winston, 25, which is his age and IQ as well, has been diagnosed with the crippling “Dumbfuck Disease”, which at this time has no known cure or treatment. Although Winston will continue to play, his long-term expectations and hope by fans and the TB organization that he will ever amount to a cup of warm spit are pretty much nil. Winston also confirmed his participation in this year’s Ty-D-Bol Toilet Bowl game, which is where his career has been headed all along, and then went out and threw another interception.

~Dateline Melbourne Australia:

                “Cricket Squad Named Pres Fave and Gets New Sponsor In Same Day!”

                The Victorian Bushrangers Cricket Squad of the Australian Cricket League, whose mascot is Jiminy, was named as the fave team of world-class ass-wad and long-time cricket fan Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump today, and just as soon as the American President made his announcement, the team chose as its newest sponsor Dulcolax Suppositories, naming them their Official Suppository. The General Manger of the VBCS, Justin Tyme, said the twin announcements were merely coincidental, but team insiders who were not authorized to speak said the Bushrangers reached out to Dulcolax the minute they heard of Trump’s endorsement. Players on the team were said to be gagging on their wickets.

~Dateline Las Vegas NV:

                “Rodman Claims Alien Abduction, Aliens Say No!”

               Dennis Rodman, former NBA player, cross-dresser, 5-time NBA Champion and major league dweeb, speaking to RUKME correspondent Bud Light today, claimed that he was abducted by aliens from the planet Zatox when he was a child, and then escaped back to Earth via one of the subsequent return flights of the marauding space creatures. When reached for comment, planetary spokesman Wq56HH{rt} YYYY<>95hj refuted Rodman’s claim and said that the Zatoxians had in fact abducted him, but had returned him immediately when they saw how he looked. “Sure,” said YYYY<>95hj, who is also known as Rupert, “we’re green, have two noses with six nostrils each, a cerise-colored eyeball and three-pronged genitalia hanging from the back of our heads, but we’re beautiful compared to that goofy-looking freak. He was scaring the baby fangor beasts, for crissake.”

~Dateline Los Angeles CA:

                “!!!DODGERS WIN THE WORLD SERIES!!!”

                Not.

Well, according to the word-counter thingie down in the bottom of my computer screen, it’s half-past June and I need to get going. Stay tuned to this channel for more sports updates as I make them up.

Love and hockey pucks,

Cap’n John

SPAM SPAM AND SPAM_AGAIN

I’ve never been much of a TV person.

I never watched Seinfeld…I didn’t like Jerry Seinfeld as a stand-up comedian (he wasn’t funny), and I saw just enough of the show from outtakes, commercials, etc. to think that both Jason Alexander and Michael Richards were roving assholes, although what’s-her-name, Julia King Louie Dreyfuss is a cutie. Never watched Big Bang Theory when it was on, have no idea what it was about, never once saw Everybody Loves Raymond and I’ve never seen Game of Thrones. I did occasionally watch Friends back in its heyday; I think Jennifer Aniston is breathtakingly gorgeous and always thought Joey (Matt LeBlanc) was hysterical. (Case in point…Joey explaining a “moo point”.

If it weren’t for a handful of movies on TCM every month, and of course sports (I come from a family of baseball players/fans, as well as following NFL football, college basketball, college softball and tiddlywinks), I wouldn’t even bother to own a TV set, especially with all the streaming online these days. (You guys remember Peter Paul and the Apostles’ big hit We Can Make A Shoe Smell and A Tiddly Wink, So Why Can’t We Eat Meat On Fridays? PP and A went on to become Peter Paul and Larry, and had another huge hit with Puff the Magic Llama.)

But I did watch a bunch of television back when I was a kid; TV and I were born around the same time and grew up together. That’s where the comparison ends however; at least I matured into a semi-decent human being, where television has become every bit of that “vast wasteland” Newton Minow once said it was.

Back then there were Westerns by the carload (Gunsmoke, Rawhide, Bonanza), lots of comedies (Car 54, Father Knows Best, Dick Van Dyke) and even the news guys were cool in those days (Cronkite, Huntley and Brinkley, Severeid).

And a ton of kid’s shows, especially if you grew up in the Chicago-land area, as I did. There were Bozo’s Circus, Kukla, Fran and Ollie, The Mickey Mouse Club from out in California, and my fave, Garfield Goose and Friend.

Yes, “friend”, singular; the friend was the host and only human on the show, a man named Frazier Thomas, who created the show and the puppets, which all the characters were, back in 1950. GG wore a crown…he was “King of the United States”. Thomas wore a uniform, to denote his position as GG’s “Prime Minister”. There was Romberg Rabbit, Macintosh Mouse, Chris Goose, GG’s nephew, so named for being hatched on Christmas and a thoroughly laconic bloodhound named Beauregard Burnside III, in a completely esoteric reference to two Union generals from the Civil War.

GG was a hand puppet, so only his mouth moved, although the puppeteer, a lady named Lee Ann Prineus, had several hand movements that managed to give GG “facial expressions”, as it were. They showed cartoons like Space Angel and Clutch Cargo, had all kinds of silly scenarios where GG and Thomas and the other characters interacted, and in general it was a pretty good show. (Clutch Cargo had a companion, a young boy named Spinner, who was his “ward”, and a dog named Paddlefoot plus an apparently serious psilocybin problem that only surfaced when he named things, like his ward and his dog. Spinner and Paddlefoot? Really?)

I got to thinking about G. Goose et al. just last week while reading about President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump’s triumphant visit to England and the various events he and FLOTUS Melanoma were involved in with the Royals, who apparently are originally from Kansas City. Our rotund Pres did everything he could to live up to his delusion of himself as King Donald the First and seemed to come off as the buffoon he mostly is in the process. Sorry, Your Eminence, but you might think of yourself as KD #1, but you weren’t the first king of the US; that was Garfield. And isn’t it an interesting comparison, PTB and an egocentric, self-absorbed and self-delusional hand puppet from a TV show?

I’ve often wondered what exactly the “Royal Family” does, besides sit around and be royal and get mentioned in a bajillion headlines for being, well, royal. Almost as useless as our President, at least they aren’t actively offensive.

Speaking of things British (holy segue, Batman), I’ve been receiving a plethora of junk emails recently (“spam” messages, and immediately there comes to mind the British comedy show Month Python’s skit “Spam, Spam and Spam”…talk about esoteric) that I thought I would share with you, once again as I did several weeks ago, just in case you aren’t getting enough of these yourselves.

~From FungusAmongUs Inc., Creator of “FungAway”:

                “Are you afflicted with toe fungus? Do your toes look like they belong to the space creature in a sci-fi movie? Are your feet so ugly that they remind people of something they saw at the local zoo? Do you have excess vaginal mucus or accidental bowel leakage? Well, we can’t cure those last two things, but FungusAmongUs Inc., maker of BaldyLocks Hair For Men tonic, has a NEW product that will restore the youthful beauty of your toes and makes a dandy wax-stripper for your kitchen floors as well! If your feet look like they belong to something that climbs trees, then you need FungAway® Fungus and Floor Wax Remover! Guaranteed 100% effective against most types of common toe funguses and everyday floor polishes! FungAway® is safe, non-addicting and sold with a money-back guarantee! Try FungAway today, and get those kitchen and bathroom floors sparkling again!”

~From Dr. Sabana Zongo:

                “I am Dr. Sabana Zongo I Have a Business Proposal of $5.3 million For You. I am aware of the unsafe nature of the window internet, and was compelled to use this medium due to the natural of this project. I have access to every vital information that can be good safe to transfer this huge amount of money, which may culminate into the banana investment of the said funds into your company or any lucrative venture deposit of your country. If you will like to consist me as a partner then indicate your patio interest, after which we shall both discuss the modalities and the sharing percentage. Upon receipt of your reply on your expression of Interest, I will give you full details on how the business will be executed. I am open for special negotiation. Thanks for your anticipated conflagration. Note you might receive this message in your inbox or spam or junk folder, depends on your web host or ruler server network mostly. Regards, Dr. Sabana Zongo.”

~From BigPrizeForYou:

                “You never responded about your winning of US$ 1,450.000.00 in Free GOOGLE/MICROSOFT/MOBILE AWARD PRIZE, with +ref: no SA712R to redeem it, email us on: GOOGLE.MICROSOFT@bigmir.net, with ref: no [SA712R] or contact your [OVERSEAS CLAIMS AGENT]. Please find the attached. Do not reply back to this senders email address, it is sent via computer virtual assistance for response will not be read by Human but computer Therefore you must contact the fiduciary agents by phone and email address provided in the attached tomorrow twice.”

~From BloodSuck Visa:

                “Poor credit or no credit? Is your FICO score lower than Donald Trump’s IQ? Turned down more times than a thermostat? WE APPROVE EVERYONE! That’s right, Third World Bank and Tire Center approves 100% of applicants that have 1) a pulse, 2) fewer than eight jobs in the past two months and 3) no murder convictions in the last 10 years! Call or text us at 1-800-DEDBEAT today to apply!”

~From Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative, IMF:

                “Attention Beneficiary: This is to intimate you of a very important information which will be of a great help to redeem you from all the difficulties you have been experiencing in getting your long overdue payment, due to excessive demand for money from you by both corrupt Bank
officials and slutty Courier Companies after which your fund remain unpaid to you by pliers. I am Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative gyrate with the IMF (International Monetary Fund) and I have totally received these reports of your uneasy treatment for getting your funds deposited to great access and I have been chosen to put a stop to this by Mr. Donald Trump giving me permission floral. All NGOs, Government agencys, tire centers and BINGO was his name-o have been instructed to BACK OFF and no more contact you rightly again. Please do not respond to these fertile creatures ever. I Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative mantis is only for your direct contact and fiduciary payment acceptance. Send me your phone number, hat size, bank account number, password, first born child, Social Obscurity number and Publisher’s Clearing House lozenge size to Mr. Robertson Wangeryuts, Senior Cannoli Representative for imposition finally this day weekly.”

And from Mr. P.T. Barnum, who once said that there’s a sucker born every minute, and they typically vote Republican, comes this timeless observance:

“Advertising is to the genuine article what manure is to land…it largely increases the product.”

Love and hyperbole,

Cap’n John

Post Script: And per comedian Jeff Foxworthy, if your bra size is 44Long, you’re probably a redneck, and a Trump supporter. Okay, I paraphrased that a bit.

NORTH, SOUTH AND OPINION_VOL II

(Editor’s note: this week’s column is dedicated to one of the nicest ladies in the Lone Star state…sweet as Blue Belle ice cream and pretty as a yellow Texas rose. Too bad she’s originally from Wisconsin and still a Packers fan. Thinking of you, Ms. Marycharles. 

Fishing, May, tad, North, South, bean, barber, utility, negative, positive and opinion.

I’ll explain that in a moment.

So here I am on a Monday morning with nothing in particular to do…my choices for activities include reviewing my health care coverage (yeah, good luck with that; I’m pretty sure they write that shit in Sanskrit, ‘cause that’s what it looks like to me when I read it), doing mean, sick things to the cat with a soldering iron (I’m just kidding; I don’t have a cat, but my pet gerbil better watch his little butt), learning to play the spoons or watching “Mole Men Against the Son of Hercules” (seen it).

Or getting an early start of this week’s post for the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog…a novel concept indeed. (For those of you who haven’t noticed, my breathtaking prose gets posted every Thursday…okay, sometimes on Friday when I run into an advanced case of writerius blockosis.)

Being the Captain and Master of the worthy vessel the R U Kidding is mostly reactionary…shit happens and I react to it, sometimes appropriately, sometimes not. (You remember when I tossed my First Mate Taffie Wetzel’s butt in the drink when she pulled that dumb April Fools Day joke on me last year? Yeah, that might have been a bit much.)

But being the CapMas of a sea-going barge like the Kidding can be a real power-trip as well…there’s just no end to the amount of shit I can get into with that much latitude. (Speaking of latitude, did you guys know that the exact center of the United States is located just outside Lebanon KS at 39° 50’ North/98° 35’ West?) And as long as we’re talking about “power-trips”, I bet President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump thinks that the exact center of the universe is located in his bedroom at the White House.

But that’s just my opinion, based on my impression of His Eminence, which under the First Amendment of our Constitution, I’m entitled to have and voice, should I so choose.

“Opinion” is in that list up at the beginning…types of “poles”. (Yeah, I know, it’s “polls”…I’m calling artistic license here, using the term very broadly. If I had said anything about the people living in the country located smack dab between Germany and Russia, I would have had to capitalize the word, and that would have REALLY screwed things up. Talk about being between a rock and a bunch of Commie snot-wads.)

Betcha’ PTB would love to call in the Secret Service guys and tell them to “nuke that asshole Cap’n John” for having an opinion with which he doesn’t agree…the First Amendment must be a large thorn in his side, if his reaction to Nancy Pelosi’s recent goading is any indication.

The first known example of an opinion pole, er, sorry, poll was a local count done by the Harrisburg Pennsylvanian newspaper back in 1824, showing Andrew Jackson leading John Quincy Adams in their race for the Presidency (Jackson was ahead 335 votes to 169 for Adams…since Jackson won, oooh, shades of Nostradamus, everyone in America now thinks that opinion polls are infallible.)

It’s gotten to the point where even YouTube won’t let you see the video you picked until you tell them which underarm deodorant you prefer…geez.

So I thought, and yes, I do that periodically, that it was time to come up with my own opinion poll, since the last one I did was ALL the way back in March of last year. (NORTH, SOUTH AND OPINION)

So here goes…most of these items are extremely thought-provoking, so make your choices carefully, otherwise you won’t get to see your video Attack of the 50 Foot Turnip.

#1) The “real” winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby, which was held in Lebanon KS for a change, was…

[]     a) Maximum Security;

[]     b) some other horse who had one of those little midget rider guys up-top;

[]     c) Sea Biscuit;

[]     d) all the people that bet big bucks on Country House, who paid $45 bajillion to win.

#2) If you were on the jury for the bribery trial of actor and arrogant snot-wad Lori Laughlin and her husband, would you vote to…

       []      a) convict and sentence them to life in a Siberian gulag;

       []      b) convict and then whack their peenies repeatedly with a piece of ½” garden hose;

       []      c) convict and force them to move to Lebanon KS and live with the peasants for the rest of their lives;

       []      d) shoot them.

#3) Mark Zuckerberg, owner of Facebook, Instagram and YouTube, as well as being Mr. Tremendous, is a…

       []      a) unprincipled asshole;

       []      b) serious unprincipled asshole;

       []      c) blight on humanity;

       []      d) all of the above twice.

#4) Golf would be a much more interesting game if it were a contact sport.

       []      a) True

       []      b) False

       []      c) Golf is an incredibly stupid game that wastes good land that could be used for cemeteries and horse-race tracks.

       []      d) Wouldn’t it be nice if Tiger Woods would go away and not come back?

#5) If you had your “druthers”, you would have…

       []      a) the front bumper of a ’57 Edsel Pacer;

       []      b) the hind-quarters of a Peruvian llama;

       []      c) the hind-quarters of a Siberian llama;

       []      d) 358 dollars in buffalo-head nickels.

#6) The primary difference between the Peruvian llama and the Siberian llama is…

       []      a) the Siberian llama has three testicles and comes with Independent Rear Suspension;

       []      b) the Peruvian llama has never won the Kentucky Derby;

       []      c) the Siberian llama is the favorite pet of almost-as-big-an-asshole-as-Donald-Trump Russian “President” Vladimir Putin;

       []      d) “dictator” in Russian is spelled p-r-e-s-i-d-e-n-t.

#7) How would you rate the job performance of Nancy Pelosi’s BFF President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump?

       []      a) two thumbs up…not;

       []      b) I agree with arrogant snot-wad actor Jon Voight who says Trump “is the greatest President since Herbert Hoover”;

       []      c) on a scale of 1 to 10, -5463;

       []      d) a Peruvian llama.

#8) If you could have any of the following, would you choose…

       []      a) a ’57 Edsel Pacer;

       []      b) the IQ of a doorknob, like Lori Laughlin’s daughter;

       []      c) two tickets to Paradise;

       []      d) 358 dollars in buffalo-head nickels.

#9) Which is the better rock n’ roll song lyric?

       []      a) “When she moved it was a dance” from The Treasure (Take 1) by Stephen Stills;

       []      b) “In this place, filled with empty space” from In This Place by Robin Trower;

       []      c) “Hopeless romance, here we go again” from New Kid In Town by the Eagles;

       []      d) “Choices were made to be made, and all of our dreams are dreamt to be lost” by some obscure guy you never heard of;

#10) Which of the following words appear on the label of Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter…

       []      a) “contains peanuts”;

       []      b) “contains nuclear waste”;

       []      c) “remove the 56mm framitz before inserting the red Lincoln log”;

       []      d) “may contain one or more of the following: peanuts, peanuts, peanuts, Peruvian llama parts”.

#11) Please answer as many of the following as pertain to you, so that we might have a better idea of who our respondents are. I am…

       []      a) Male

       []      b) Female

       []      c) Not sure, but will look

       []      d) a right-wing Republican snot-wad actor

       []      e) taller than most jockeys by several feet

       []      f) the owner of 358 dollars in buffalo-head nickels

       []      g) a resident of Lebanon KS

       []      h) an unemployed Edsel mechanic

       []      i) tired of answering opinion poll questions

Oh, and magnetic.

Love and surveys,

Cap’n John

NOW WHERE DID I PARK MY DUMBO?

(Editor’s note: this week’s post is dedicated to my buddy Jennifer, another of my co-workers at Publix, where she works in the bakery. Putting Jen in the bakery is a case of perfect “casting”, ‘cause she is a major sweetie. If I had a high-wattage smile like hers and know what I know, I’d be in trouble all the time. Happy apple fritters, buddy.)

The response from many of the loyal readers of the WATRUK blog (all several of them) to last week’s column on the launching of RUKME (ALL THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY), the brand-new “R U KIDDING MEDIA EVENTS” News Service and Laundromat has been overwhelming, to say the least. (Okay, maybe more like underwhelming.) Although I haven’t kept any figures, the feedback has been mostly positive, with one or two notable exceptions, which I’ll get to in a moment.

RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby Do) was created with the express purpose of being an alternative to the CNNs, the APs and UPIs, the MSNBC and FOX News outlets, even the National Enquirer, to give a new “slant” to the news…and as soon as I wrote that, I immediately decided to make that phrase the slogan for the world’s latest news organization.

A NEW SLANT TO THE NEWS.

Like those clowns at all of the above, especially FOX News, don’t slant things enough already.

(You’d think I was getting paid to use the words “new” and “news” judging from the last couple of paragraphs, wouldn’t you? As a matter of fact, I am.)

So here’s what some of the Cap’n’s fans had to say about RUKME…

~From President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump:

                “So good to hear about a new reporting agency…hope you’re more fair then the FAKE NEWS Washington Post or New York Times. Even FOX News has gone over to the LOSERS side lately. NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, NO STRIPPERS.”

~From Jeff Bezos, Bajillionaire Owner of Amazon and the Washington Post:

                “Cap’n John, best of luck with your RUKME news service…I’m sure you’ll give the Post a run for its money. By the way, if you sign up for Amazon Prime right now for only $100,000 annually, you’ll receive, absolutely free, an autographed copy of my new book, How To Make A Million Without Using Daddy’s Money.

~From Pete Buttigieg, Mayor of South Bend IN and candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential Nomination:

                “Looking forward to hearing how RUKME reports the news…it has to be better than those douche-bags at FOX. By the way, I hope you get the pronunciation of my name right: its FAR-BLE-TOOTS. Best of luck.”

~From Mark Zuckerberg, owner of Facebook, Instagram and YouTube:

                “I hope RUKME isn’t going to report on the 27 million Facebook accounts created by Russian troll-farms that were active during the 2016 Presidential election; to date, we have deleted three of them, and are investigating another seven or eight. Facebook and Instagram are committed to keeping these kinds of organizations off of social media, to ensure blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.”

~From Stephen King, author and liberal activist:

                “I categorially deny the allegations in your post of 5/17/19; I was NOT abducted by Langoliers, was not subjected to any sick, disgusting, gross, vile, perverted, repulsive, gross, deplorable or perverted sex acts by them (although I would have liked to have been) and I am most certainly not a “far-left liberal snot-wad”. If you persist in making these spurious and completely false allegations against me, I will be forced to take legal action, including both sanctions against the WATRUK blog and having your peenie whacked. Good luck with your new agency.”

~From I. Dontknow Howe, of the law firm Dewey, Cheatem and Howe:

                “I represent Mr. Malcolm Glazer, owner of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team, who you viciously maligned in your post of 5/17/19; this letter is to advise you that, should you continue your libelous remarks re Mr. Glazer’s incredibly shitty football team and organization, or make any further mention of his alleged support for the legalization of psilocybin and it’s use by his football team and its players, we will be forced to seek any and all legal remedies as may be available to us, as well as having your peenie whacked seriously. Have a nice day.”

~From Mr. Yogi Berra, former MLB player and Hall of Fame member:

                “When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Good luck with that new thing you’re doing.”

~From Lori Laughlin, actor and arrogant snot-wad:

                “I was going to ask you, as a favor from one media god to another, not to report on the allegations against myself and my husband involving bribing University of Southern California officials to guarantee our daughter’s admission to the school; it wasn’t our fault she was too stupid to get in on her own. However, considering how important I am, I decided not to. You may kiss my ring, peasant.”

~From Mr. Benjamin Franklin, First American:

                “Best of luck with your RUKME news agency, and remember, in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom and in water there is bacteria.”

And finally this one from Ms. Rose Garden, which was the most curious of all the letters and messages I received; it seems like Ms. Garden thought, based on my breath-taking intelligence (high) and tremendous influence as a “media god” (zero), that I could be of some assistance with the myriad problems she has involving a number of laws here in the Gunshine State of which she has run afoul recently.

“Cap’n John:

                I hope you’ll report my story on your RUKME news service; I’m further hoping someone will read it and be able to help me.

                I’m a “neighbor” of yours, living near Pensacola FL, and I recently ran into a string of troubles that is truly unbelievable.

                I’m a single women, and a former employee of the Ringling Bros., Barnum and Bailey Circus, which as you probably know used to be located here in Florida and is now out of business. As a legacy and remembrance of my years with the circus, I was allowed to keep one of the elephants I trained, as well as a small hand-cart used for selling ice cream around the circus grounds.

                My troubles started on a recent Sunday, when as a treat to myself, I went sky-diving for the first time. I contacted a local sky-diving service, arranged for a flight, went aloft, did my jump, had the most exhilarating experience of my life and upon landing was detained by two officers of the Pensacola PD, who asked me if I was a married women. When I answered with much confusion that I was not, I was immediately arrested and charged with being an unmarried women parachuting on a Sunday. To say I was flabbergasted would be the second largest understatement of the century.

                I was jailed, posted bond, which took all the cash I had in my bank account, and after being found guilty at a trial the following month, was fined the entire amount of my bond.

                I was now penniless, so in an effort to raise money, I rode my elephant, Mitch, who I named after the biggest Dumbo in the Senate, into downtown Pensacola, with my ice cream cart in tow behind. I tied Mitch to a parking meter, but having no money, put nothing in it. I left him and took the cart to the business place of a friend, the owner of a Baskin-Robbins, who had promised to give me some ice cream to sell. When I returned to check on Mitch, I found that I had received a ticket that carried a $50 fine for parking an elephant without feeding the meter.

                I was so distraught I just started walking down the street, pushing my ice cream cart and leaving Mitch at the curb with the parking ticket dangling from his tusk. About a half-block down from where I left him, I came to a small cemetery, and needing to sit for a moment and gather my thoughts, I entered, found a bench and sat down to rest.

                I had only been sitting for a few minutes when a Pensacola police car drove up; two officers exited the car and walked over to me. They asked if the ice cream cart was mine, and when I told them yes, I was arrested again for selling ice cream in a cemetery.

                They took me to the police station, and when they were emptying my pockets, they asked if I had any money on me. When I told them that I did not, they informed me that it was against the law to have less than $10 in a person’s possession at all times, and I was further charged with pecuniary strangulation.

                By now it was getting late in the afternoon, and I hadn’t eaten all day, so one of the officers kindly got me a bean burrito, which I ate while I was sitting on a bench outside of night court, waiting to be arraigned.

                About a half hour went by and Cap’n John, I just couldn’t help it; I suddenly had the worst case of gas ever. I tried to keep it in, but no power on Earth was going to stop this explosion. I finally gave up, and out it all came, in a thunderous rush of methane. I had barely finished expelling when a Deputy of the court walked over, waving his arms around his head and face, and informed me that there would be another charge added to the list for which I was waiting to appear before the judge to answer…it seems that it’s illegal in Florida to fart in public after 6:00pm.

                I hope you can use your influence or in some way do something to help me, otherwise I won’t get out of jail until February 2023.

                Thanks.

                Rose Garden”

Love and gavels,

Cap’n John

Post Script…all of the above laws are currently on the books here in Florida…as if the ‘gators, the Palmetto bugs, the hurricanes and the gun-toting Republicans weren’t bad enough.

Post Post Script…yes, Yogi and Ben are dead. So sue me.

ALL THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY

(Editor’s note: the past two weeks I have dedicated my posts to some very nice young people to whom I wanted to give some recognition…not that they deserved it or anything, just my way of saying, hey, don’t marinate that iguana, try the light blue 56mm socket wrench first. Accordingly, there will be no similar dedication this week. So there.)

Reefer Madness.

For those of you who have seen the 1936 movie, a morality tale of hit and run accidents, manslaughter, attempted rape, suicide, aggravated mopery and the defiling of innocent llamas, all fueled by the killer weed MARIJUANA, you’re probably already laughing to yourself. For those of you who have not seen the movie, yes, hit and run accidents, manslaughter, suicide, aggravated mopery and the defiling of innocent llamas, at least in the context of the film, have a funny side.

(Actually, even I’m not dumb enough to think ANY of those things are in any way humorous…especially to the llamas. It’s the overall dark tone of the picture, the over-blown, HUGELY melodramatic presentation, the dire and oh-so-serious warning of the DANGERS OF MARIJUANA TO THE YOUTH OF THIS COUNTRY that is so laughable. Yeah, I know, but honest, it’s pretty funny. Okay, don’t believe me…check it out yourself. Roll up a phatty first though.)

The depiction in the film of drugs being sold to high school kids isn’t in the least bit humorous either, but again, taken from the viewpoint of 83 years later, having a WHOLE lot of new information, education and a good deal of personal testing by, if polls and all the newly voted-in laws in a majority of the states in this country legalizing the weed are any indication, a rather large percentage of the American populace have shown that all the furor that the movie attempts to create didn’t amount to a cup of warm spit.

Not that I have any personal experience with cannabis…just hearsay.

In fact, looking at the the map of states showing which ones have either legalized cannabis completely, or for medical purposes or who at minimum decriminalized it, there’s only 17 states that still cling to the 1936 point of view that MARIJUANA is evil and disgusting, and that the users of same should be tried, convicted and sentenced to doing hard labor in a Siberian gulag. And have their peenies whacked as well.

I’m sure the original producers of the film would be shocked to note that last week, in the city of Denver CO, where recreational MARIJUANA is already legal, lending some credence to the term “the mile high city”, a referendum on the decriminalization for the possession/use of psilocybin, or “magic mushrooms”, which is classified as a Schedule 1 controlled substance by the Einsteins at the FDA, was narrowly defeated…my, how far we have come from those paranoid years of the 1930s. (Full disclosure…remember, even paranoids have enemies.)

Although this is hardly conclusive evidence in support of the medical benefits of ‘shrooms, I have a friend who, after occasional but regular usage of psilocybin, has pitched her Prozac and her other anti-depressant meds and says she has never felt better.

I’m not advocating here, merely reporting.

Which leads me to the topic of this week’s post (Holy Syntax, Batman, another segue sighting on the WATRUK blog)…

                                     ********** !!!ANNOUNCING!!! **********

A BRAND NEW, ALL-MEDIA NEWS REPORTING SERVICE IS NOW AVAILABLE WORLDWIDE AND WILL BE MAKING ITS INTERNET DEBUT !!TODAY!! ON THE WELCOME ABOARD THE R U KIDDING BLOG!!

This isn’t CNN, this isn’t AP, this isn’t UPI, this isn’t MSNBC or FOX News or even WKRP In Cincinnati, this is…wait for it…R U KIDDING MEDIA EVENTS!

RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby-Do).

To give all my loyal readers (all three of you) a taste of what you can expect from RUKME, I thought I would give you a sampling of the headlines, the stories, the snappy writing and concise editing that you can expect from RUKME, all day, every day.

You could see this coming, right?

~Dateline Bangor ME:

                “Author Stephen King Abducted By Langoliers And Subjected To Weird Sexual Shit!!!”

                Horror/mystery guru and far-left liberal snotwad Stephen King told RUKME correspondent Justin Case that he was recently abducted by the creatures from his eponymous novella, blindfolded and taken to a secret location where he was the subject of a number of weird, sick, disgusting, gross, sick, perverted, disgusting, gross, filthy and sick sexual experiments and then later released. King further said that while he “enjoyed most of the experiments, the ones involving a llama, a clarinet, two Brillo pads and a 55-gallon drum of Cool Whip were really revolting”. When asked what he thought prompted the attack, King opined that he thought it was retribution by President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, who King believes is an alien from the planet Zatox, for his (rightful) opposition to everything the current administration says/does.

~Dateline Philadelphia PA:

                “Benjamin Franklin Was Really A Three-Breasted Space Alien!!!”

                Recent discoveries by archivists at the Benjamin Franklin Museum, located in the “City Of Brotherly Love”, have led experts to the conclusion that Franklin, the discoverer of electrolysis and the founder of the Franklin Mint, was in fact a space alien from the planet Zatox, home of American President and serial llama defiler Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, and in fact possessed three alien breasts. (Franklin, not Trump…Trump is believed to have no breasts but several spleens.) When asked what evidence led researchers to this startling conclusion, museum president Reginald “Snotwad” Farbletoots told RUKME correspondent Al Toona that recently unearthed documents and three-hundred year old Polaroids (not to be confused with paranoids or hemorrhoids) show the American genius “in a space suit with the necessary corresponding three bumps on the chest”. When asked to elaborate, Farbletoots declined, stating that further investigation was necessary and that a porno movie addressing the subject was in pre-production.

~Dateline Cowflop IA:

“Giant Rutabaga Attacks And Kills Farmer In Tragic Incident!!!”

RUKME has learned that a giant, rabid rutabaga, grown on the farm of Udder County IA farmer Frank Lee Scarlett recently was pulled from the ground during harvest and, apparently angered at being yanked from its earthly home, turned on the unsuspecting soil-tiller and after doing a number of sick, disgusting, gross, revolting, perverted, vile, sick, gross, repulsive things to Scarlett, all of which were too disgusting, gross and sick to be mentioned in a family news-organ, then ran off with the farmer tucked under his Brassica napus appendage and has not been seen since. Scarlett, whose body was later found in a field several miles from his home, was a supporter of President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump until he realized how His Largeness had hoodwinked him into voting Republican in the ’16 election and until found was listed as “missing presumed parboiled”, is survived by his wife, Deeply, and a son, Pimpernel. A memorial is being planned by the family and the IA Society of Rutabaga Growers.

~Dateline Tampa Florida:

                “Tampa Bay Bucaneers Still Suck, Will Lose 12-15 Games This Season, Per Coach!!!”

                RUKME Sports correspondent Brandon Iron, in an exclusive interview with new Bucs Head Job, er, Coach Bruce Arians, has learned from the possessor of a 1-3 lifetime NFL post-season record as a head coach, that Arians believes that with current quarterback and all-around dumbfuck Jameis Winston as the team’s starter, the Sucs will be lucky to win 2-3 games in the 2019 season, set to “kickoff” in September. “Are you kidding me? Winston? He couldn’t quarterback a Pop Warner team to a winning season; the kid is a moron,” Arians was quoted as saying. Arians and a slew of unknown players were brought in over the off-season to improve the team’s 2018 record of 6-10 by General Manager Jason “I’m An Incompetent Snotwad” Licht. Bucs owner Malcolm “Who Cares If The Team Sucks As Long As We Make Money” Glazer, when asked to respond to Arians comments, said he had no idea who Arians was but that he was in favor of legalized psilocybin for NFL players and owners.

Good thing Glazer doesn’t own the Denver Broncos.

Fortunately for all my loyal fans, that’s all I have time for today…you may express your gratitude monetarily, should you so choose.

Love and headlines,

Cap’n John

I GET LETTERS_VOL. III

(Editor’s note: Today’s post is dedicated to my friend and co-worker Alex S., who is graduating on Saturday from the University of South Florida with a Bachelor of Science in Personal Financial Planning. The world was deprived of an outstanding human being when Alex wasn’t born twins, and I am as proud of him as if he were my own grandson. Congratulations, buddy, and damned fine job.)

Baphomet.

An interesting word, one that slides off the tongue in a manner that is at once lyrical and yet mildly obscene. (I knew a woman like that once.)

Baphomet is a deity that the Knights Templar were accused of worshipping back in 1307, the same year the Los Angeles Dodgers last won the World Series, during the inquisition of the now famous group of medieval knights by King Phillip the IV of France; the suppression, arrest and subsequent torture/death by burning at the stake of these warriors all commenced on Friday, October 13th, thus leading to the superstition of bad luck happening on that day…it was certainly true for the KTs that fateful Friday.

Rumors that President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump and a number of Republican Senators are worshippers of the “Sabbatic Goat” are unsubstantiated but there is support for a full investigation into the matter by a number of Democratic Congresspersons in the House.

None of the above has the slightest thing whatsoever to do with the subject of today’s post, but I thought you might like to have the information nonetheless.

You’re welcome.

And speaking of things completely unrelated, I saw an ad for a weight loss program in the Tampa Bay Times (motto…All The News Occasionally) recently that featured both a picture of a curvaceous and very attractive young woman and a headline that read “Get the body you want”, and all I could think was, yeah, and how do I get her to cooperate?

Please insert the requisite rim-shot here.

As my regular readers are aware, I have a disdain for concise yet flowing segues, so I’ll not use one here and plunge ahead.

Lawrence Peter Berra, better known as “Yogi” to his millions of fans across the baseball world, was renowned for a number of things, not the least of which was a Hall of Fame MLB career spanning 19 years as a player, most of those as an 18 time All-Star catcher with the famed New York Yankees. Yogi was the American League MVP three times, in 1951, ’54 and ’55 and won 13 World Series rings, as both a player and a coach, which is still the record; the Yanks retired his number “8” back in ’72.

Yogi could play.

He was also known for his pithy and often hilarious statements about the great game of baseball, about life and about being a Yankee. He was credited with being the first to say, “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over” and “It’s just like déjà vu all over again” and “You better cut the pizza into four pieces, ‘cause I’m not hungry enough to eat six”. (I love that one.)

But the one quote that Berra was credited as saying is the one that applies to my post for today…

“Never answer an anonymous letter.”

Hardly a day passes here at the WATRUK blog that I, as the Captain and Master of the vessel R U Kidding, don’t receive a goodly number (one) of letters, postcards, emails, text messages, smoke-signals and secret decoder-ring communiques about something I have written previously; some are complimentary, and some take umbrage with my point of view. I don’t mind that they take umbrage, as long as they put it back where it belongs when they’re done.

So I thought that, in an effort to edify the vast sea of Cap’n John followers on what it’s like to be a major media figure/blogger in today’s 24/7 Internet world, I would share some of the more pathetic, excuse me, interesting missives that I have received lately.

Good luck stopping me now.

“Dear Scumbag Capen John:

                As presadent of the Arkansaw chapter of the Nashonal Union of Trump Supporterrs (NUTS) and a GOD FEARING MURICAN citizen, I think you’re a real asshole for righting ensulting articles about out GREAT presadent Donald Trump and sayin all kinds of rude things about His Emmanance like that there one you rote back in Febawary (BRINGING IN THE SHEEPS 3/21/19) callin Mr. Trump His Largeness and sayin that peepul who voted for him are his sheeps. MURICA don’t need no more libural shitwads like you, asswipe, and I hope you rot in hell.

                                Beanie N. Cecil, Presadent, Arkansaw Chapter,

                                Nashunal Union of Trump Supporterrs”

“T0: Cap’n John Krissongs

FROM: Bea L. Zebub, V.P., ROUND

RE: (Your blog post from 4/5/19)

I have been asked by the Executive Council of ROUND (Republicans Operating to Unify North Dakota) to address your comments in the subject post about several ND Republican legislators refusing to join in prayer to a heathen god led by a godless heathen from Nevada, one of the epicenters of sin and degradation here in America. By referring to the Great God Almighty as an “imaginary friend” and belittling our courageous representatives for not joining in when some pagan “cleric” offers some ungodly mumbo-jumbo to his heathen “god” as a “prayer” only goes to prove that you are nothing more than a unprincipled lying sinner that will burn in HELL for your apostasy. You not only stink, but I understand you have a small penis as well.

                                Sincerely,

                                Bea L. Zebub, V.P., ROUND”

“Mr. Cap’n John Krissongs:

                My name is Warren Peace and I am the Marketing Vice President for Major League Soccer, and I’m writing today to complain about your comments on our organization in your post from the 5th of April, comparing MLS members to “sissy vegetarians, vegans or some other Commie, pinko nonsense”. Despite your insulting remarks, including saying that MLS did not have an official hamburger, such as Wendys being the Official Hamburger of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, but instead had an Official Tofu, which apparently was some kind of reference to the fans of soccer being major wusses, as lovers of the great game of “football” we know that even though it looks like a sissy game with a bunch of “players” running back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, like ants all over an anthill, soccer is a fabulous sport along the same lines as the almost as exciting game of golf. If you persist in maligning MLS, we will be forced to boycott the WATRUK blog, bring about sanctions against you personally and even go as far as to have your peenie whacked. I must close now; it’s time for my prune/beet/squash kombucha. And no, MLS does NOT stand for Major Little Sweeties.

                                Warren Peace, MLS”

“Cap’n John:

                I’m a big fan of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, and I really enjoy your writing, but I was very disappointed in your remarks about Bill Murray in your post “OSCAR (AND HIS OTHER YOUNGER COUSIN ARNOLD)”. I’ve followed Bill’s career since his days with SNL and I think he’s one of the funniest men on this planet or any other. So your saying that he “pretty much played the same character in about 200 movies” was really a low blow and totally unfair to Mr. Murray. Anyone that knows anything about his films knows that he played the same character in no more than a 150 movies, tops. I’d like to take you out behind the “Caddyshack” and kick you in the “Meatballs”, and “Groundhog Day” is not a sale on Thursdays at your local butcher shop.

                                Lacy Underwear, Punxsutawny PA

“Hey Cap’n John”

                Dude, great tip about how to remove a bra with only one hand in last week’s column (OF BRASSIERES AND BIBLE STORIES). I tried it on my girlfriend the other night while we were having dinner with her folks at this swanky Chili’s restaurant and it worked excellent. So now my gf says I ruined her fave white blouse because when I released her “chest baskets” her boobs dropped onto her plate, right in the middle of her Italian linkwienie or whatever it’s called and she’s really pissed and won’t talk to me. I was going to try it on her Mom but she moved back from the table too fast. You da’ man, bubba.

                                Cliff Hanger, Mammary Falls NY”

I have many more just like the above (or worse), but for the sake of brevity, a drummer to whose beat I rarely march, I will close here…no point to prolonging the agony.

Love and postage stamps,

Cap’n John

TWINS SEPARATED AT BIRTH??? YOU DECIDE.