ALL OF THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY_PART TWO

Now I wouldn’t want anyone to get the idea from the things I’m about to say or for that matter the numerous comments I’ve made in previous posts that I don’t like President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump…besides being a liar, a racist, a misogynist and an asshole, I’m sure he’s a pretty good guy in his own way; apparently his father Fred “We Found Him Under A Rock In the Backyard One Morning, Honest” Trump liked him well enough to leave his misbegotten offspring about a bajillion dollars, making it unnecessary for PTB to ever actually do anything in his life, his claims and bragging about his “deal-making” prowess and business super-acumen notwithstanding.

No, despite his obvious shortcomings, mentioned above, and the fact that he is without a doubt one of the most despicable, loathsome, completely-lacking-in-integrity-and-class human beings ever to steal oxygen from the rest of us decent folks, 62,984,825 people voted for him in the 2016 Presidential election, and they all seem to think he is, according to his assessment of their support for him, the Second Coming of the Messiah, assuming you’re not Jewish and don’t accept as fact the First Coming.

Maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking about His Eminence; maybe I’ve been judging Him too harshly. (Yeah, and maybe, to quote Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne’s World, monkeys will fly out of my butt.)

Apparently his lackeys at FOX News have recently begun to seriously reevaluate their thinking about His Supreme Commander of the Worldness, and seemed to have reached the conclusion, like so many of us who aren’t blinded by his rhetoric and bullshit that, gee, maybe Mr. Wonderful isn’t so Wonderful after all.

Like the chicken and the egg enigma, it’s hard to tell who decided not to like who first; His Eminence has been carping about the FOX people for some time now, and just yesterday, after some recent treasonous rumblings from Mr. Trump’s State News Agency, several FOX commentators sprouted a backbone, grew a set of balls and told PTB, hey, shitwad, we don’t work for you , all indications to the contrary notwithstanding.

Will miracles never cease?

Like a petulant child having been told he can’t have any more ice cream, Second Coming stamped his foot, screamed in rage and called the FOX people some bad names (he remarked in a tweet that Donna Brazile, Juan Williams and Shep Smith were “hopeless and clueless”, being an expert on those subjects), to which FOXers Guy Benson and Brit Hume responded “Eff you, Your Eminence”, in a more appropriate manner, of course, although that was what it amounted to. (And a big shout-out and thank you to Jack Dorsey, Noah Glass, Biz Stone and Evan Williams, the creators of Twitter, for providing Mr. Trump with a platform for his constant and ongoing vileness and stupidity with their invention.)

The most telling thing I got from His Supremeness’s tweet was his comment that he needs to “start looking for a new News Outlet”, which I thought was at once a terrible alliteration and an excellent opportunity for the news reporting arm of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, RUKME.

R U Kidding Media Events…RUKME. (Pronounced as one word…think Scooby Doo.)

Boy, I thought to myself, being a male, I should step into this void and offer the services of the world’s newest news agency to His Wonderfulness, as a substitute for the fawning toadies at FOX. Hell, how hard can it be to defy all objectivity, slant your reporting, lie to your viewers, insult their intelligence and in general bow down at the altar of Lord Trump? (“Newest news”? Shit, sometimes I’m as bad as that moron in the White House.)

So I thought I would take the opportunity with today’s post and well, you know, audition for President Petulant, hoping that the crisp tone of the reporting, the high quality content, the on-the-spot timeliness of the stories and the fact that I can lie just as well as anybody would be a “YUGE” incentive to Mr. Wonderful to adopt RUKME as his BFF in the liar’s poker game of Network News.

Your Worship, please consider the following when you cast about for a replacement for your buddies at FOX…

~Dateline Stump Jump KY:

                “Senator Has Surgery, Expected To Be Out of Senate 6-8 weeks”

Doctors at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion hospital here announced today that Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Turtle Boy” McConnell had brain surgery at their facility yesterday; due to atrophy from a complete lack of use, Mr. McConnell’s brain was removed in a two-hour procedure, which Dr. S.O. Teric, the surgeon who performed the operation, said was a complete success and should result in no discernable change in McConnell’s performance of his duties as President Trump’s chief apologist and favorite fuck-puppet. He went on to say that Mr. McConnell was expected to make a full recovery and return to Congress in about 6-8 weeks, during which time he would not be missed by anyone. When asked by RUKME correspondent Terry Cloth if doctors experienced any problems during the procedure, Dr. Teric commented that other than not being able to find anything to remove at first, the operation went well.

~Dateline East Jesus NC:

                “Llama Gives Birth To Three-Headed ‘llamette’ On Local Farm”

Local farmer and Donald Trump supporter Peter Pants told RUKME reporter Polly Ethelene that a pet llama named Melania recently gave birth to a three-headed offspring on his farm, the site of a Presidential visit from The Messiah, Donald Trump, which took place eleven months ago in July of 2018, during a campaign trip to the area by the President. When asked by Ms. Ethelene about the normal gestation period of a llama, Mr. Pants replied that it was 11 months. Pants’ wife, Fancy, commented that President Trump was their idol, and that his visit and extensive tour of their farm, including time spent in seclusion in their barn with the livestock, which Mr. Trump said was an opportunity for him to “commune with nature to get a better feel for the plight of the great American farmer”, was the high point of their lives. No name has been given the new arrival as yet, but both Pants and his wife were said to be leaning towards “Junior”.

~Dateline Wanker MA:

                “Experiments Reveal Dramatic Drop In Canine IQ”

Scientists at the prestigious Stephen Hawking Institute of Technology announced here today that experiments performed recently on canines, in which the animals were forced to listen to hours of continuous broadcasts of FOX News commentators Juan Williams, Donna Brazile and Shep Smith for a period of several months resulted in a measureable and marked decrease in the dog’s Intelligence Quotient scores, and that it was felt by the researchers that the dog’s qualifications to run for Congress were greatly enhanced by the experiments. Dr. Phil Herup, the Director of SHIT, was quoted as saying, “We think we have finally found a way to enable “man’s best friend” to assist Americans in the governance of our great country” and assured RUKME reporter Laurel Enhardy, when questioned about any harm that might have been done to the animals, that “no dog was hurt during the procedures, as far as we know”. One of the animals that was part of the research, a bitch named Ivanka, pictured here with Dr. Herup, was said to have dropped from her normal canine IQ range of 125 down to a score of 12, or about the level of a typical Republican Congressperson. GOP Congressional leaders from the state of Massachusetts are said to be considering running Ivanka in the next year’s race in the 589th Congressional District, currently represented by Democrat Art Supplies.

~Dateline Clearwater FL:

                “Florida Man Arrested With Trump-Shaped Ecstasy Pills”

The Pinellas County Sheriff and Clearwater Police Departments announced today that a local man, Brendan Dolan-King, was caught with a number of Trump-shaped Ecstasy pills in his home  and was charged with possession of a controlled substance, possession of a ghastly sense of humor and general mopery. According to Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Coral Reef, the strangely shaped pills were labeled “Great Again” and that they were extremely ugly. Dolan-King is to be arraigned on Tuesday.

Okay, Pres, there’s our audition to become your “fave” news agency…I can’t imagine that you’ll find any other network more qualified, more concise in their reporting and more willing to become your go-to agency to bleet and blatt about how wonderful you are and how lucky America is to have you as our President.

Besides, I’m pretty sure CNN, MSNBC, the Washington Post and the New York Times aren’t going to be lining up for the job…they have better taste and better sense.

On second thought, I think I’ll join them…never mind.

Love and Pulitzers,

Cap’n John

Post Script…as you can see from the link, the last item was in fact true…god, I love living in Florida. Despite the hurricanes.

NOW WHERE DID I PARK MY DUMBO?

(Editor’s note: this week’s post is dedicated to my buddy Jennifer, another of my co-workers at Publix, where she works in the bakery. Putting Jen in the bakery is a case of perfect “casting”, ‘cause she is a major sweetie. If I had a high-wattage smile like hers and know what I know, I’d be in trouble all the time. Happy apple fritters, buddy.)

The response from many of the loyal readers of the WATRUK blog (all several of them) to last week’s column on the launching of RUKME (ALL THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY), the brand-new “R U KIDDING MEDIA EVENTS” News Service and Laundromat has been overwhelming, to say the least. (Okay, maybe more like underwhelming.) Although I haven’t kept any figures, the feedback has been mostly positive, with one or two notable exceptions, which I’ll get to in a moment.

RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby Do) was created with the express purpose of being an alternative to the CNNs, the APs and UPIs, the MSNBC and FOX News outlets, even the National Enquirer, to give a new “slant” to the news…and as soon as I wrote that, I immediately decided to make that phrase the slogan for the world’s latest news organization.

A NEW SLANT TO THE NEWS.

Like those clowns at all of the above, especially FOX News, don’t slant things enough already.

(You’d think I was getting paid to use the words “new” and “news” judging from the last couple of paragraphs, wouldn’t you? As a matter of fact, I am.)

So here’s what some of the Cap’n’s fans had to say about RUKME…

~From President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump:

                “So good to hear about a new reporting agency…hope you’re more fair then the FAKE NEWS Washington Post or New York Times. Even FOX News has gone over to the LOSERS side lately. NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION, NO STRIPPERS.”

~From Jeff Bezos, Bajillionaire Owner of Amazon and the Washington Post:

                “Cap’n John, best of luck with your RUKME news service…I’m sure you’ll give the Post a run for its money. By the way, if you sign up for Amazon Prime right now for only $100,000 annually, you’ll receive, absolutely free, an autographed copy of my new book, How To Make A Million Without Using Daddy’s Money.

~From Pete Buttigieg, Mayor of South Bend IN and candidate for the 2020 Democratic Party Presidential Nomination:

                “Looking forward to hearing how RUKME reports the news…it has to be better than those douche-bags at FOX. By the way, I hope you get the pronunciation of my name right: its FAR-BLE-TOOTS. Best of luck.”

~From Mark Zuckerberg, owner of Facebook, Instagram and YouTube:

                “I hope RUKME isn’t going to report on the 27 million Facebook accounts created by Russian troll-farms that were active during the 2016 Presidential election; to date, we have deleted three of them, and are investigating another seven or eight. Facebook and Instagram are committed to keeping these kinds of organizations off of social media, to ensure blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.”

~From Stephen King, author and liberal activist:

                “I categorially deny the allegations in your post of 5/17/19; I was NOT abducted by Langoliers, was not subjected to any sick, disgusting, gross, vile, perverted, repulsive, gross, deplorable or perverted sex acts by them (although I would have liked to have been) and I am most certainly not a “far-left liberal snot-wad”. If you persist in making these spurious and completely false allegations against me, I will be forced to take legal action, including both sanctions against the WATRUK blog and having your peenie whacked. Good luck with your new agency.”

~From I. Dontknow Howe, of the law firm Dewey, Cheatem and Howe:

                “I represent Mr. Malcolm Glazer, owner of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers football team, who you viciously maligned in your post of 5/17/19; this letter is to advise you that, should you continue your libelous remarks re Mr. Glazer’s incredibly shitty football team and organization, or make any further mention of his alleged support for the legalization of psilocybin and it’s use by his football team and its players, we will be forced to seek any and all legal remedies as may be available to us, as well as having your peenie whacked seriously. Have a nice day.”

~From Mr. Yogi Berra, former MLB player and Hall of Fame member:

                “When you come to a fork in the road, take it. Good luck with that new thing you’re doing.”

~From Lori Laughlin, actor and arrogant snot-wad:

                “I was going to ask you, as a favor from one media god to another, not to report on the allegations against myself and my husband involving bribing University of Southern California officials to guarantee our daughter’s admission to the school; it wasn’t our fault she was too stupid to get in on her own. However, considering how important I am, I decided not to. You may kiss my ring, peasant.”

~From Mr. Benjamin Franklin, First American:

                “Best of luck with your RUKME news agency, and remember, in wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom and in water there is bacteria.”

And finally this one from Ms. Rose Garden, which was the most curious of all the letters and messages I received; it seems like Ms. Garden thought, based on my breath-taking intelligence (high) and tremendous influence as a “media god” (zero), that I could be of some assistance with the myriad problems she has involving a number of laws here in the Gunshine State of which she has run afoul recently.

“Cap’n John:

                I hope you’ll report my story on your RUKME news service; I’m further hoping someone will read it and be able to help me.

                I’m a “neighbor” of yours, living near Pensacola FL, and I recently ran into a string of troubles that is truly unbelievable.

                I’m a single women, and a former employee of the Ringling Bros., Barnum and Bailey Circus, which as you probably know used to be located here in Florida and is now out of business. As a legacy and remembrance of my years with the circus, I was allowed to keep one of the elephants I trained, as well as a small hand-cart used for selling ice cream around the circus grounds.

                My troubles started on a recent Sunday, when as a treat to myself, I went sky-diving for the first time. I contacted a local sky-diving service, arranged for a flight, went aloft, did my jump, had the most exhilarating experience of my life and upon landing was detained by two officers of the Pensacola PD, who asked me if I was a married women. When I answered with much confusion that I was not, I was immediately arrested and charged with being an unmarried women parachuting on a Sunday. To say I was flabbergasted would be the second largest understatement of the century.

                I was jailed, posted bond, which took all the cash I had in my bank account, and after being found guilty at a trial the following month, was fined the entire amount of my bond.

                I was now penniless, so in an effort to raise money, I rode my elephant, Mitch, who I named after the biggest Dumbo in the Senate, into downtown Pensacola, with my ice cream cart in tow behind. I tied Mitch to a parking meter, but having no money, put nothing in it. I left him and took the cart to the business place of a friend, the owner of a Baskin-Robbins, who had promised to give me some ice cream to sell. When I returned to check on Mitch, I found that I had received a ticket that carried a $50 fine for parking an elephant without feeding the meter.

                I was so distraught I just started walking down the street, pushing my ice cream cart and leaving Mitch at the curb with the parking ticket dangling from his tusk. About a half-block down from where I left him, I came to a small cemetery, and needing to sit for a moment and gather my thoughts, I entered, found a bench and sat down to rest.

                I had only been sitting for a few minutes when a Pensacola police car drove up; two officers exited the car and walked over to me. They asked if the ice cream cart was mine, and when I told them yes, I was arrested again for selling ice cream in a cemetery.

                They took me to the police station, and when they were emptying my pockets, they asked if I had any money on me. When I told them that I did not, they informed me that it was against the law to have less than $10 in a person’s possession at all times, and I was further charged with pecuniary strangulation.

                By now it was getting late in the afternoon, and I hadn’t eaten all day, so one of the officers kindly got me a bean burrito, which I ate while I was sitting on a bench outside of night court, waiting to be arraigned.

                About a half hour went by and Cap’n John, I just couldn’t help it; I suddenly had the worst case of gas ever. I tried to keep it in, but no power on Earth was going to stop this explosion. I finally gave up, and out it all came, in a thunderous rush of methane. I had barely finished expelling when a Deputy of the court walked over, waving his arms around his head and face, and informed me that there would be another charge added to the list for which I was waiting to appear before the judge to answer…it seems that it’s illegal in Florida to fart in public after 6:00pm.

                I hope you can use your influence or in some way do something to help me, otherwise I won’t get out of jail until February 2023.

                Thanks.

                Rose Garden”

Love and gavels,

Cap’n John

Post Script…all of the above laws are currently on the books here in Florida…as if the ‘gators, the Palmetto bugs, the hurricanes and the gun-toting Republicans weren’t bad enough.

Post Post Script…yes, Yogi and Ben are dead. So sue me.

ALL THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY

(Editor’s note: the past two weeks I have dedicated my posts to some very nice young people to whom I wanted to give some recognition…not that they deserved it or anything, just my way of saying, hey, don’t marinate that iguana, try the light blue 56mm socket wrench first. Accordingly, there will be no similar dedication this week. So there.)

Reefer Madness.

For those of you who have seen the 1936 movie, a morality tale of hit and run accidents, manslaughter, attempted rape, suicide, aggravated mopery and the defiling of innocent llamas, all fueled by the killer weed MARIJUANA, you’re probably already laughing to yourself. For those of you who have not seen the movie, yes, hit and run accidents, manslaughter, suicide, aggravated mopery and the defiling of innocent llamas, at least in the context of the film, have a funny side.

(Actually, even I’m not dumb enough to think ANY of those things are in any way humorous…especially to the llamas. It’s the overall dark tone of the picture, the over-blown, HUGELY melodramatic presentation, the dire and oh-so-serious warning of the DANGERS OF MARIJUANA TO THE YOUTH OF THIS COUNTRY that is so laughable. Yeah, I know, but honest, it’s pretty funny. Okay, don’t believe me…check it out yourself. Roll up a phatty first though.)

The depiction in the film of drugs being sold to high school kids isn’t in the least bit humorous either, but again, taken from the viewpoint of 83 years later, having a WHOLE lot of new information, education and a good deal of personal testing by, if polls and all the newly voted-in laws in a majority of the states in this country legalizing the weed are any indication, a rather large percentage of the American populace have shown that all the furor that the movie attempts to create didn’t amount to a cup of warm spit.

Not that I have any personal experience with cannabis…just hearsay.

In fact, looking at the the map of states showing which ones have either legalized cannabis completely, or for medical purposes or who at minimum decriminalized it, there’s only 17 states that still cling to the 1936 point of view that MARIJUANA is evil and disgusting, and that the users of same should be tried, convicted and sentenced to doing hard labor in a Siberian gulag. And have their peenies whacked as well.

I’m sure the original producers of the film would be shocked to note that last week, in the city of Denver CO, where recreational MARIJUANA is already legal, lending some credence to the term “the mile high city”, a referendum on the decriminalization for the possession/use of psilocybin, or “magic mushrooms”, which is classified as a Schedule 1 controlled substance by the Einsteins at the FDA, was narrowly defeated…my, how far we have come from those paranoid years of the 1930s. (Full disclosure…remember, even paranoids have enemies.)

Although this is hardly conclusive evidence in support of the medical benefits of ‘shrooms, I have a friend who, after occasional but regular usage of psilocybin, has pitched her Prozac and her other anti-depressant meds and says she has never felt better.

I’m not advocating here, merely reporting.

Which leads me to the topic of this week’s post (Holy Syntax, Batman, another segue sighting on the WATRUK blog)…

                                     ********** !!!ANNOUNCING!!! **********

A BRAND NEW, ALL-MEDIA NEWS REPORTING SERVICE IS NOW AVAILABLE WORLDWIDE AND WILL BE MAKING ITS INTERNET DEBUT !!TODAY!! ON THE WELCOME ABOARD THE R U KIDDING BLOG!!

This isn’t CNN, this isn’t AP, this isn’t UPI, this isn’t MSNBC or FOX News or even WKRP In Cincinnati, this is…wait for it…R U KIDDING MEDIA EVENTS!

RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby-Do).

To give all my loyal readers (all three of you) a taste of what you can expect from RUKME, I thought I would give you a sampling of the headlines, the stories, the snappy writing and concise editing that you can expect from RUKME, all day, every day.

You could see this coming, right?

~Dateline Bangor ME:

                “Author Stephen King Abducted By Langoliers And Subjected To Weird Sexual Shit!!!”

                Horror/mystery guru and far-left liberal snotwad Stephen King told RUKME correspondent Justin Case that he was recently abducted by the creatures from his eponymous novella, blindfolded and taken to a secret location where he was the subject of a number of weird, sick, disgusting, gross, sick, perverted, disgusting, gross, filthy and sick sexual experiments and then later released. King further said that while he “enjoyed most of the experiments, the ones involving a llama, a clarinet, two Brillo pads and a 55-gallon drum of Cool Whip were really revolting”. When asked what he thought prompted the attack, King opined that he thought it was retribution by President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, who King believes is an alien from the planet Zatox, for his (rightful) opposition to everything the current administration says/does.

~Dateline Philadelphia PA:

                “Benjamin Franklin Was Really A Three-Breasted Space Alien!!!”

                Recent discoveries by archivists at the Benjamin Franklin Museum, located in the “City Of Brotherly Love”, have led experts to the conclusion that Franklin, the discoverer of electrolysis and the founder of the Franklin Mint, was in fact a space alien from the planet Zatox, home of American President and serial llama defiler Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, and in fact possessed three alien breasts. (Franklin, not Trump…Trump is believed to have no breasts but several spleens.) When asked what evidence led researchers to this startling conclusion, museum president Reginald “Snotwad” Farbletoots told RUKME correspondent Al Toona that recently unearthed documents and three-hundred year old Polaroids (not to be confused with paranoids or hemorrhoids) show the American genius “in a space suit with the necessary corresponding three bumps on the chest”. When asked to elaborate, Farbletoots declined, stating that further investigation was necessary and that a porno movie addressing the subject was in pre-production.

~Dateline Cowflop IA:

“Giant Rutabaga Attacks And Kills Farmer In Tragic Incident!!!”

RUKME has learned that a giant, rabid rutabaga, grown on the farm of Udder County IA farmer Frank Lee Scarlett recently was pulled from the ground during harvest and, apparently angered at being yanked from its earthly home, turned on the unsuspecting soil-tiller and after doing a number of sick, disgusting, gross, revolting, perverted, vile, sick, gross, repulsive things to Scarlett, all of which were too disgusting, gross and sick to be mentioned in a family news-organ, then ran off with the farmer tucked under his Brassica napus appendage and has not been seen since. Scarlett, whose body was later found in a field several miles from his home, was a supporter of President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump until he realized how His Largeness had hoodwinked him into voting Republican in the ’16 election and until found was listed as “missing presumed parboiled”, is survived by his wife, Deeply, and a son, Pimpernel. A memorial is being planned by the family and the IA Society of Rutabaga Growers.

~Dateline Tampa Florida:

                “Tampa Bay Bucaneers Still Suck, Will Lose 12-15 Games This Season, Per Coach!!!”

                RUKME Sports correspondent Brandon Iron, in an exclusive interview with new Bucs Head Job, er, Coach Bruce Arians, has learned from the possessor of a 1-3 lifetime NFL post-season record as a head coach, that Arians believes that with current quarterback and all-around dumbfuck Jameis Winston as the team’s starter, the Sucs will be lucky to win 2-3 games in the 2019 season, set to “kickoff” in September. “Are you kidding me? Winston? He couldn’t quarterback a Pop Warner team to a winning season; the kid is a moron,” Arians was quoted as saying. Arians and a slew of unknown players were brought in over the off-season to improve the team’s 2018 record of 6-10 by General Manager Jason “I’m An Incompetent Snotwad” Licht. Bucs owner Malcolm “Who Cares If The Team Sucks As Long As We Make Money” Glazer, when asked to respond to Arians comments, said he had no idea who Arians was but that he was in favor of legalized psilocybin for NFL players and owners.

Good thing Glazer doesn’t own the Denver Broncos.

Fortunately for all my loyal fans, that’s all I have time for today…you may express your gratitude monetarily, should you so choose.

Love and headlines,

Cap’n John