Okay, so, do you want the good news or the bad news first?
Actually, what I have to tell you today is more like “good news/bad news/good news”, so since it’s The Good News Bible leading the Bad News Bears 2-1 going into the 9th, I’ll start with the good news.
Followed by the bad news and then the good news again. (In case you lost track.)
Actually, it’s more like “bad news, good news, bad news, good news”, now that I think about it.
Bad news…I have been the proud owner for many years of a Saturn SC-1 coupe whose birth certificate says 1998 on it, and over the years and 157,000 miles I have replaced/repaired much of the car. In between mechanical failures, it ran well, got great gas mileage and didn’t look too bad.
Until several weeks ago…
…when, all in the same week, the wiper motor quit (said motor being the replacement for the first motor that failed), the A/C finally, after a month or so of indecisive cooling, said “buh bye” and the SERVICE ENGINE THIS INSTANT, CRETIN light popped on.
So my mechanic tells his fave customer, me, that basically we’re talking $1500, give or take the annual Gross National Product of Lower Slobovia, to make Susie Saturn right again.
Oh hell no…
Good news…after looking at all kinds of new cars, including the new mid-engine C8 Corvette (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA), the Nissan Juke, the Chevrolet Trax, the Ford Excreta, the Toyota Rave4, the Buick Fondle, the Porsche 718 Boxster (HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, THAT’S AS FUNNY AS THE C8), and the Nissan Scrotum, I settled on and bought a 2020 Hyundai Veloster.
It’s a lot of fun.
So bad news again…being busy with driving my new Velocityer these days, as well as being the Captain and Master of the venerable craft the R U Kidding and the Head Patient at the Hillary Clinton Memorial Hospital For The Chronically Bewildered has taken away a lot of the extra time I need to wear my last cap, that of author and editor of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog. So I have decided to take a hyannis for a bit, to take some time off to regenerate the brain cells and get some fresh ideas flowing again.
(Phone begins ringing in background…)
“Yes, Ms. Wetzel…”
“I’m sorry, I said what?”
“I see…I’ll correct that right away, thank you for bringing it to my attention.”
That was my First Mate, Taffie Wetzel…she monitors what I write here on the WATRUK blog in real time for errors, misspellings, stepping on my crank, etc. She tells me the word I wanted in the paragraph above was “hiatus”.
Well, now that I know that taking time off has nothing to do with that port in Massachusetts, I’ll move on. Anyway, I need to take a break from the agonizing, gut-wrenching, oppressive burden of writing a (humorous) blog post every week; the WATRUK blog celebrated its SECOND ANNIVERSARY on October 1st (quite a week, on top of my buying a new Velocipede), so after 24 months of rampant tomfoolery, it just seems like a good time to pause for a bit.
Like until the first of the year or so.
Okay, so that was only bad news if you like reading “the Cap’n”…if you think I’m a verbose, juvenile, cynical, long-winded (isn’t that the same as “verbose”?) snotwad, well, a) you probably won’t view my taking a hyannis as “bad news” and b) you’re right.
So good news last…I didn’t want to leave you with a kiss and a promise, although I have been known to do that in certain social situations, such as Navy Seal training and/or potato peeling, so I have taken the liberty of preparing a COMPREHENSIVE list of “Golden Oldies” from the WATRUK blog (see below), written and posted over the past year for your general amusement and edification.
These vignettes (that’s Burmese for “poop chute”) offer glimpses of your Cap’n (that would be me) at his wittiest/cleverest/funniest/most embarrassing.
I’ll see you guys in 2020…or maybe sooner.
~From August 15, I’M NOT BEING CHASED, BUT I AM RUNNING (THE WOODSTOCK EDITION), (talking about legalizing marijuana when I become President)…“As your President, I will send a bill to Congress making cannabis legal in 47 states, other than Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania; since the asshats in those states supported Donald Trump and put him in the White House in 2016, screw’em.”
~From August 15, I’M NOT BEING CHASED, BUT I AM RUNNING (THE WOODSTOCK EDITION), (talking about banning the playing of soccer in America)…”That’s right, circulating fans, as soon as I am elected President, I will immediately impose a ban on the playing of soccer, in any form at any level, in this country. It’s a stoopid, boring game that has no place in modern American sports. Let them play it in countries that don’t have Major League Baseball, REAL football, the NBA, women’s college fast-pitch softball and tiddlywinks. (Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth for AN HOUR AND A HALF. Geez.)”
~From August 8, ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY, AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE_VOL X, (on history)…”So history will be the theme of today’s post; I considered writing about “llama intestines” as a theme, but in deference to the delicate sensibilities of my loyal readers (all several of you), I decided against that idea. I’m sure some of you, sensibilities notwithstanding, will be disappointed.”
~From August 4, MISSILE ANUSES, (intro paragraph)…”Now before I get started here, let me just say this…anyone who laughs at what they’re about to read will a) hurt my feelings, b) reveal him/herself to be an insensitive asshat, which I’m sure NONE of my loyal readers are and c) receive a visit from several large, ‘roided-out muscular men with poor attitudes and gonads the size of BBs, who will remove you from your home, take you out in the country where it’s quiet and repeatedly whack your peenie with a short length of 5/8” garden hose.”
~From June 13, SPAM SPAM AND SPAM_AGAIN, (nostalgia)…”(You guys remember Peter Paul and the Apostles’ big hit We Can Make A Shoe Smell and A Tiddly Wink, So Why Can’t We Eat Meat On Fridays? PP and A went on to become Peter Paul and Larry, and had another huge hit with Puff the Magic Llama.)”
~From July 4, IT SAID “PRESS RELEASE” SO I DID, (talking about the WATRUK blog being included in Feedspot.com’s “Top 100 Humor Blogs On The Internet” list)…”When asked to comment on the prestigious addition, Captain and Master of the R U Kidding as well as editor of the WATRUK blog Cap’n John Krissongs was quoted as saying, “Wow, I haven’t been this excited since Missy Wallace lost her top doing a half-gainer off the 10-meter board at our local pool back in 10th grade.” Cap’n John went on to say that with this inclusion and a five dollar bill, he could buy a Vente Frappuccino almond latte with no foam, no WD40, no soy, extra Frisbees with a shot of mitten sauce.”
~From June 13, SPAM SPAM AND SPAM_AGAIN, (sharing spam emails I’ve received, this one about a product called “FungAway”)…“Are you afflicted with toe fungus? Do your toes look like they belong to the space creature in a sci-fi movie? Are your feet so ugly that they remind people of something they saw at the local zoo? Do you have excess vaginal mucus or accidental bowel leakage? Well, we can’t cure those last two things, but FungusAmongUs Inc., maker of BaldyLocks Hair For Men tonic, has a NEW product that will restore the youthful beauty of your toes and makes a dandy wax-stripper for your kitchen floors as well!”
~From May 23, NOW WHERE DID I PARK MY DUMBO?, (sharing congratulatory messages on the unveiling of RUKME, or the R U Kidding Media Events news agency; this was from Lori Laughlin, actor)…“I was going to ask you, as a favor from one media god to another, not to report on the allegations against myself and my husband involving bribing University of Southern California officials to guarantee our daughter’s admission to the school; it wasn’t our fault she was too stupid to get in on her own. However, considering how important I am, I decided not to. You may kiss my ring, peasant.”
~From November 29, THOUGHTS ON THE BLOGGER AS AUTHOR, (talking about how I’m not really a writer and don’t have any “epic novels” stashed away someplace in the back of my brain)…”…no sci-fi tale of three-legged, chartreuse striped space aliens from the planet Rgh6%kkTl3.ty22 blasting their way across the outer rings of the Clystron Nebulae with synthesized, gamma ray-generating 56mm harmonizing laser cannons, intent on mayhem and dominance of the Ford Galaxy…”
~From June 27, SPORTS, HISTORY AND WHY SOCCER IS REALLY “STOOPID”, (talking about how baseball is America’s pastime)…”(Actually, I’m pretty sure America’s Pastime is sex, but back in 1916, boring, mundane and uninteresting Congress passed the Make Baseball America’s Official Pastime Since Sex Is Dirty, Messy and Disgusting and Makes Americans Sound Like Pervs Act, a bill that was introduced in the House by Congressman Twono Trump, a distant relative of our current President and alleged serial woman abuser, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump. The legislation passed both houses by overwhelming votes.)”
~From January 3, LEARNING MY LINES, (sharing bits and pieces from the upcoming “Cap’n John Comedy Hour”)…”We’ll have more Cap’n John and the Tale of the Three-Legged Burmese Hooker after these messages.”
~From July 11, I GET LETTERS_VOL IV, (using a sample of my writing to argue that I’m never serious long enough to write a “for-real” novel)…
“After all the years of training, the studying and privations, the seemingly endless, agonizing drills, the time had finally come.
He stared at me with his steely gray eyes, and then spoke in a voice that was hard with intent.
“You have your orders, soldier…this isn’t a drill,” he said, as he handed me a wrench.
“No, sir,” I responded, “it’s a 56mm left-handed kroysening wrench, sir.”
“You know what to do, Lieutenant,” he said, as he raised his right hand to his forehead in salute. “Dismissed.”
I snapped to attention and returned his salute, then spun on my heel to leave. As I got to the door, I turned back to him.
“Sir, excuse me, but I think you look wonderful in that cerise bikini.”
I have no set date to return from Massachusetts, but I promise that, just as soon as I get back, you guys will be first ones to know. That’s the good news…
Love and 6-speed automatics,
Gerald R. Ford, inventor of the “Model T” automobile and President of the International Chevy Chase Fan Club.