SCHTICKS OF ONE AND SEVEN OR EIGHT OF THE OTHER

Okay, people, I have a number of subjects to cover today, so if we can, let’s get started, please everyone, find your seats, if you would…thank you, everyone, can we please find our seats and get started? Thank you…we have a great number of department reports to get through today, folks, so let’s get started…

> From the Don’t Thank Me, I Just Enjoy Being Wonderful Department…In an effort to provide a genuine service to all of my loyal readers (all a couple of you), it being early April here in CentralFloridaLand (and I assume it’s approximately the same time of year wherever you’re at, other than for you folks in Butte ID), which means that September is rapidly approaching (really?), I thought that I would give you a heads-up on this year’s ACM “Best Song” Award by leaking the nominees early, thus allowing all of you to begin lobbying whoever the hell picks the “Best Song” award for the ACM. (After doing a very minimal amount of research, I learned that the members of the Academy of Country Musicians are each allowed one vote per category. I have no idea who the members are or how one becomes a member, nor any great compulsion to find out.)

Anyway, in no particular order, here are the six tunes nominated for the 2020 Academy of Country Musicians “Best Song” Award…

”I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back In My Bed Crying Over You” by Esther Sprat and Merle Scrubs

How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away” by The Cosmic Llama Doo Dah Band

She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft” by Mo Lasses and the Slower January Band

”You’re The Reason Our Baby Is So Ugly” by Snake Oil Salesmen ft. Ana Conda

”My Husband Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Her” by Carol Ofthebells

“I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well” by the Stoned Canyon Jesters

Man, what a line-up…it’s all I can do to keep from wetting myself.

By the way, when did they drop the “/Western” from the name, you know, like C/W? As you can probably surmise by that question, I’m not much of a C fan, other than the Brothers Osborne, who can flat play.

> From the Oh Hell No Department…There I was, scrolling through my YouTube Home page, looking for a video of women in thongs, err, excuse me, that would enlighten me on some arcane but fascinating subject, when I ran across this ad…

FEARNOW INSURANCE…”Honored to serve churches in the Tampa Bay area…FEARNOW OR HELL LATER.”

Okay, the “Fearnow” name and the “honored to serve” parts are quotes; I made up the tagline about “Hell Later”…sorry.

> From the Wouldn’t “Take The Prosciutto” Be A Great Name For A Rock Band Department…Did you know that the line from the movie The Godfather where Clemenza tells Neri, after Neri shot the crap outta’ Paulie (who was a sniveling weasel and richly deserved it) from the back seat of Clemenza’s car, “Leave the gun, take the cannolis”, was an ad lib by Richard Castellano, the actor that portrayed the rotund capo regime? Yep, true story, although I don’t remember where I learned that. His first adlib was “Leave the gun, take the prosciutto” but that wasn’t what Mrs. Clemenza told him to remember to bring home when he left the house that morning.

So they went with “cannoli” instead.

Hey, it might come up in a Trivia game or something.

> From the I Wish They Could Do That With Pizza Department…Okay, I hope someone can answer this because it’s driving me nuts, which as a friend of mine used to say is more of a short putt than a drive in my case, but can someone please explain how peanut butter never spoils? I mean, how does that work? I have a jar of Peter Pan Creamy Peanut Butter (“contains peanuts” according to the Mr. Obvious Man label on the side) that I must have opened four months ago, easily; as you can probably tell, I am not a big consumer of PB, although I do enjoy the occasional sandwich with the addition of J.

But there it sits in my cupboard, defying all known laws of biology, chemistry, physics and phrenology, never going bad, never losing its wonderful creamy texture, its rich peanut taste or the 200 grams of fat in every tablespoon…it remains viable, apparently, for eons.

So back to my original question, how exactly does that work, huh? ‘Cause there is no mention whatsoever on the label about preservatives…it’s just peanuts, sugar, a little salt, a couple different kinds of oils and nuclear waste.

I should call Jimmy Carter…I bet he would know.

> From the Two Thumbs Up Yours Department…I was texting back and forth with a friend the other evening, and as usual I made about 43 bajillion typing errors that I had to keep going back and correcting before I could send the message, because heaven forbid a big, internationally famous humor blogger like myself would put out ANY copy ANY time that contains spelling mistakes (even text messages). But some still filtered through the intense scrutiny.

I’m fine on the keyboard of my PC…I still make a lot of mistakes, but not near as many and I can type with some decent speed using four or five fingers and one thumb consistently. But I have never mastered (nor attempted to master) the keyboard on my cellphone. I think watching these Millennial kids who go 90 MPH with nothing more than two thumbs is a great pleasure, there being a certain poetry, a fluidity, to their movements.

Anyway, after I had considered it, I realized, and I shared this with my friend, that I have the same problem with picking my nose as I have with typing on my cellphone…I can only use one finger at a time.

Okay, now that there’s a funny joke, if you can’t laugh at that joke then you can just get the hell outta’ here (and thank you Larry the Cable Guy for the imprecation).

> From the Things You Didn’t Know And Were Happy That You Didn’t Know Them Department…Little known physiological fact…everyone’s body (not mine though, thank you) produces approximately 33.8 ounces, or essentially one liter, of mucus every day…which makes all of you a pretty snotty bunch as far as I’m concerned.

I read that online someplace, about the mucus, not the “snotty” part.

> From the And It’s Her Fault My Mother Never Loved Me Department…Another headline “seen online” (what the hell did we do before we had the Internet?) recently…”My husband’s former mistress is ruining our financial life” and the headline was so preposterous (boy, THERE’s a good word for you) that I didn’t even bother to read the article.

Besides, it was one of those “click bait” sites, you know the ones, where once you go to the “article” they entice (bombard) you with a bajillion ads, citing amazing savings on a myriad of products or making a strong pitch for the latest health miracle or attempting to grab your eye (and ultimately your wallet) with scantily clad/mostly naked women, after they’ve attracted your initial attention with a headline about some whack-job goof who once grew a finger from the center of his forehead.

So I didn’t bother to click on the icon.

Although on reconsideration, maybe I should have, ‘cause I remember, back when I was in middle school, how badly I was hurt and being so distraught that I almost couldn’t deliver the morning papers to the folks on my paper-route because Kathy Jones (not her real name…the names have been changed to confuse the timid) went to the 8th Grade Dance with Peter “Dickbrain” Smith and not me.

I almost lost my paper-route and my self-respect, a big loss for a 13-year old. So yeah, okay, maybe the “former mistress” was a bitch and is somehow screwing up their portfolio of Lottery tickets and their 409(k) plan…

…but I still didn’t read the article; what, are you kidding me?

> And from the There Are Some Really, Really Sick People Out There Department…Think two words, and then I’ll proceed…”coffee enema”.

That’s right, exhaust fans, you heard me correctly…the newest health fad to come to the fore in America recently is a good, refreshing colon cleansing using a cup of your favorite joe. Gives a whole new meaning to the word “brewing” and believe me, I will never turn my back on a Mr. Coffee ever again.

Holy Maalox Batman, what the hell is next, sprinkling powered alpaca spleens on our genitals to ensure “a monstrous erection that no woman can resist”? Is there no level of depravity to which these sick fucks won’t sink? (Kinda’ reminds you of those old urban legends about Richard Gere and the gerbil, doesn’t it?)

Okay folks, that’s everything I have for today…are there any questions? Questions anyone? No one? Okay, meeting is adjourned…thank you for your attention. We’ll meet here again next week.

Love and Macy’s,

Cap’n John