As many of you loyal readers of my blog, Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding, are aware, I recently announced my candidacy for President, to run in the 2020 election; this was initially in response to the wave of support for Ms. Oprah Winfrey to run in 2020, based on her stirring speech at the Golden Globes several weeks ago. (See my post “LET’S THROW A POLITICAL PARTY!” 1/10/18) Most recently, there have been articles touting John Kerry and Mitt Romney as potential candidates (see links below), as well as Joe Biden, Bernie “Colonel” Sanders and a host of other Republican and Democratic Pres wannabes.
I will kick all their butts…I’m Cap’n John and I ain’t kidding.
As you are also most certainly aware by now, America has responded with great enthusiasm for my campaign as well…a groundswell is already building. My new political party, the Hearty Party, has been formed and a PAC (The Cap’n At The Wheel 2020) has been created and is busily extorting money, excuse me, raising funds for the campaign from excited donors, a preliminary statement of the Hearty Party’s “planks” has been issued (see my post “POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX” 1/18/18) and now I believe it is time to name my running mate, the Hearty Party’s candidate for Vice President.
Before I give you this exciting news, I thought I would take a moment (I’ll put it back later) and discuss what was involved in this momentous decision; remember, as it is said, the VP is only a failed Heimlich maneuver away from the Presidency.
I considered, and listened closely to the advice and counsel of my advisers and counselors, a number of well-qualified persons for this most important office, using as a criteria their background in government, their academic achievements, their positions on the issues, their willingness to serve, their criminal record and how small a salary they would accept. (Minimum wage was discussed in some cases.)
My first choice was ex-President Harry Truman (see above photo)…sadly, although I believe he was one of our greatest Presidents, Harry is dead, which pretty much took him out of the running.
My next choice was Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady, but she is WAY creepy, and a staunch Republican as well, so we dropped her like a broken elevator.
Next we thought of Miley Cyrus; the feeling was that she would be a great help with the “yah, yah” vote, but that tongue and that constant peace-sign shit was too much. (Miley, FYI…back in my day, the peace sign had real meaning; my generation was trying to end an unjust war that our government was waging at the time, against a nebulous enemy in a foreign land where we weren’t welcomed, done mostly to enrich various already huge corporations; we were being sent to battle like lambs to the slaughter, and the “peace sign” was a reminder of our solidarity and our opposition to being killed in copious numbers by our government for no apparent gain. Seeing you and your idiot millennial buddies using it as a “cutesy” gesture is offensive in the extreme. Shithead.)
We briefly considered Stormy Daniels, but despite her ginormous boobers, which was for some of my staff a big “plus”, you’ll pardon it, the connection to President Tweety Bird was a definite turn-off, so we dropped her, although there was some talk of making her Official Stripper of the Cap’n John For Pres campaign.
There was a momentary fascination with NASCAR legend Richard Petty, as well as New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady, but both were rejected for being gazillionaire jocks, which we felt wouldn’t play in Peoria.
What was needed was someone with character, charisma, intelligence, integrity, a strong grasp of the issues and a well-developed sense of Frisco responsibility, although how the “City by the Bay”* was a factor I never understood. Obviously I met all the above criteria, but I couldn’t be my own VP candidate, or so I was informed by my advisers and counselors: if I died, I couldn’t succeed myself. Unless you believe in reincarnation.
The decision was agonizing…
The name will be forthcoming in my next post, so tune-in next week for “Cap’n John Names His V.P.”. Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.
Love and cliff-hangers,
Post Script…just an FYI here, but I’m not considering Chris Christie from New Jersey…he would have exceeded our budget for Twinkies and Big Macs.
Post Post Script…coming soon to a blog-post near you, Cap’n John’s “Masturbation Proclamation”.
*From the wonderful Tony Bennett song, “I Left My Heart In San Francisco and My Spleen In Cleveland”.