I GET LETTERS_VOL IV

After all the years of training, the studying and privations, the seemingly endless, agonizing drills, the time had finally come.

He stared at me with his steely gray eyes, and then spoke in a voice that was hard with intent.

“You have your orders, soldier…this isn’t a drill,” he said, as he handed me a wrench.

“No, sir,” I responded, “it’s a 56mm left-handed kroysening wrench, sir.”

“You know what to do, Lieutenant,” he said, as he raised his right hand to his forehead in salute. “Dismissed.”

I snapped to attention and returned his salute, then spun on my heel to leave. As I got to the door, I turned back to him.

“Sir, excuse me, but I think you look wonderful in that cerise bikini.”

Back in November of last year, motivated by a remark made by an uber-sweetie person named Katrina, who is my boss at the Publix grocery store where I work as a part-time Front Service Clerk, after she had read some of my posts on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, I explored the idea that I might have a “for-real” author lurking about inside my cranium, searching for a story idea and struggling to break free of the restraints of writing “humor”; sadly, I came to the conclusion then, and certainly the above supports that conclusion, that I’m incapable of being serious for more than a few moments at a time, rendering it difficult to write anything of any substance.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with writing humor…shit, I think I’m hysterical; I go back and read old posts of mine and laugh like a crazed loon. Besides, I seem to be fairly good at it…hey, would a media guru like Anuj Agarwal (who?) of the RSS and website ranking service Feedspot.com have named WATRUK to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET if I wasn’t the second coming of Dave Barry, whose blog by the way is also on the list? (Okay, I had to bribe AA for the ranking…I gave him a bajillion dollars and lifetime free beer to get added.) (Okay, that’s a lie, I didn’t give him a bajillion dollars, but I did promise him the beer.) (Okay, I didn’t promise him any beer, I just submitted the WATRUK blog for their perusal, they perused and the rest is geography. Though I did beg and cry like a sissy-mary to be included.)

Damn good thing I don’t suffer from the agony of false humility, isn’t it?

I enjoy writing, something I came to in the “sunset” of my life…I enjoy sex too, but being in the “sunset” of my life, writing is a helluva lot easier to come by these days. Besides, when it comes to women, I’m like a dog chasing a car…if I caught one, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

I used to be compelled, back in my youth, to do really mean things to my pet guinea pig, Alphonse, with a Dremel tool, but I finally outgrew that and now find my day-to-day compulsion to be writing. I seem to get all fuzzy and twitchy when I’m not putting words on paper (okay, words on a computer screen).

****SPECIAL BULLETIN****

Sorry to break into the narrative here, but something occurred to me earlier that I just have to get off my chest…you guys heard about this lunatic Joey Chestnut, the guy who won the Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest last Thursday on the 4th? Yeah, this nimrod ate 71 HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS) IN ONE SITTING to win this year’s contest.

SEVENTY ONE HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS).

****CONTENT WARNING****

(I’m about to say something gross.)

So here’s what I was pondering after I read about Mr. Glutton of the Century Chestnut…can you imagine the dump that guy must have to take the next day? EEEEEEEYEWWWWW. “Children, can you say plunger?”

Sorry.

****WE RETURN YOU NOW TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMED BLOG POST****

Besides the HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS Feedspot ranking (HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS!) for the WATRUK blog, I also recently received a PM from a really nice lady I know down in the Lone Star State (every time the phrase “Lone Star” comes up on my radar I think about the movie Spaceballs by Mel Brooks…Google it so you understand and save me the explanation if you would) who besides being a published poet is a big fan of the WATURK blog, who said to me, “You are as funny as Dave Barry but with the wonderful dark chaos of the Marx Brothers.”

I sent her five bucks. (Seriously, what a nice thing for her to say.)

Speaking of writing (Holy John Steinbeck, Batman, that’s one of my smoothest segues ever), I’m getting a lot of feedback in the form of letters, emails, texts, carrier pigeon messages, etc., pissing and moaning, err, excuse me, commenting on a couple of columns I posted recently…mostly from whiners.

I thought to share them with you.

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                This letter is in response to the remarks in your post of 6/20, wherein you viciously malign our starting quarterback, Jameis Winston; although I agree with most of what you said, as the new head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I felt I should offer some feedback. It’s true that, sadly, Jameis has been “diagnosed with ‘Dumbfuck disease’” and that the “long-term expectations that he will ever amount to a cup of warm spit are pretty much nil”…well, now that I think about it, given the above, I guess I don’t have any response after all. You’re right, Jameis is pretty much useless. Never mind.

                                Bruce Ariens, Head Coach

                                Tampa Bay Buccaneers”

“Dear Cap’n John:

                As planetary spokesperson for Zatox (“The Best Little Planet In The Galaxy”), I have been directed by planetary officials to issue to Earth our most sincere apology for the return of Earthling Dennis Rodman to you after we abducted him many years ago; in retrospect, we now realize that, in the interest of improved relations between worlds here in the Galaxy and the elimination of an eyesore, rather than return him to you, we should have stuffed the ugly cross-dressing freak into the air-lock and shipped his butt off into the deepest reaches of outer space. We goofed…sorry about that. If you want, we can return Amelia Earhart as compensation; she’s a real sweetie and a helluva’ pilot and we’d miss her, but we figure we owe you one. Let us know, please.

                                Regards,

                                Wq56HH[rt] YYYY<>95hj, Planetary Spokesperson

                                Planet Zatox”

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                As head of the 556-person legal team that represents President Donald Trump, I have been directed by His Eminence to inform you that He is aware of the malicious and unwarranted comments you wrote on your blog recently re the attendance and general make-up of the events and participants at the gala “Celebration of America” here in Washington on July 4th, but rather than address these in His usual manner by tweeting something that is either inane or a bare-faced lie, excuse me, by tweeting a contradiction, in an effort at conciliation with the “Fake News Press”, of which He considers you a member, His Worship has decided to speak with you directly and asks that you make yourself available on Wednesday, 7/17, for a personal phone call. His Eminence will speak with you at 1:00pm EST, just after His normal lunch of several Big Macs, three pounds of fries and a chocolate shake.

                                Sincerely,

                                Rudy Giuliani, Head Lackey

                                The White House”

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                My name is I. Dontknow Howe, of the law firm Dewey Cheatem and Howe and I represent Mr. Boris Badenov and Ms. Natasha Fatale; I have been asked by my clients to contact you and to advise you that, should you continue your libelous and defamatory remarks re my clients having been in contact with President Donald Trump’s campaign manager Brad Parscale to offer their assistance in the re-election of the President in your blog post of 7/4, they will be forced to pursue whatever legal remedies are available to them. Despite the fact that Mr. Badenov and Ms. Fatale are cartoon characters, they are offended by the alleged connection to the Trump campaign and feel that their “brand” has been damaged by this connection. While it is true that both Badenov and Fatale were spies/agents for an undisclosed Eastern Bloc Commie country during the Cold War, and worked vigorously for the downfall of “moose and squirrel”, they believe that any dealings with someone as unscrupulous, dishonest and altogether “stoopid” as President Trump is an awful reflection on their limited character…they may be sleezy, but they’re saints compared to Mr. Trump.

                Thank you for your cooperation in advance.

                 I. Dontknow Howe, Attorney

                 Dewey Cheatem and Howe”

Well, I can’t wait to hear what President “Twetty Bird” has to say to me on the 17th…probably not anything I want to hear, but then, that pretty much is the case every time he opens his yap to speak.

And you know what, I feel bad about Boris and Natasha…I always liked them when they were on with Rocky and Bullwinkle; back in those days, cartoon characters were cute, clever and funny. The cartoon characters in Washington these days? Not so much.

Love and the Postal Service,

Cap’n John

IT SAID “PRESS RELEASE” SO I DID

****FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE****

July 2, 2019

“Mr. Anuj Agarwal, founder and president of Feedspot.com, the RSS and website ranking service, announced today that the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog has been added to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET list, effective immediately.

When asked to comment on the prestigious addition, Captain and Master of the R U Kidding as well as editor of the WATRUK blog Cap’n John Krissongs was quoted as saying, “Wow, I haven’t been this excited since Missy Wallace lost her top doing a half-gainer off the 10-meter board at our local pool back in 10th grade.” Cap’n John went on to say that with this inclusion and a five dollar bill, he could buy a Vente Frappuccino almond latte with no foam, no WD40, no soy, extra Frisbees with a shot of mitten sauce.

Memorial arrangements were incomplete pending notification of the next-of-kin.”

I checked out Mr. Agarwal’s site after I received his email advising me of this “prestigious addition” the other day and found that the WATRUK blog was actually #110 on the Feedspot Humor Blog Hit Parade, with a bullet, so either AA fibbed a little or he can’t count for shit.

But that’s okay, because if his site and their “rankings list” brings more readers to the WATRUK blog, I’m all for it. For some time now I’ve wanted to increase my number of loyal readers from the current level (three) to something more significant (four) and hopefully this is a giant step towards achieving that goal.

I Googled “what is RSS” just before I started writing this post and spent several minutes attempting to decipher the digital-age gibberish, to little avail. I remember a time, back in the 1800s, when I considered myself fairly savvy vis-à-vis anything “computer” but these days I get the feeling that I’m qualified to be Tampa Bay’s entrant in the 2019 “Digital Moron of the Year” contest.

Shit.

Anyway, to all the faithful Kidders out there in DigitalLand, happy 4th of July.

According to various history books, online sites such as WikiPedia, noted defragmenters and mega-hertz graphics hierarchies (beats me, I told you I was a computer moron), the Declaration of Independence of the American colonies from the mother-ship Great Britain was only ADOPTED on 7/4; it wasn’t actually signed by all 54 notaries until August 2nd, 1776, due to some delay in the cross-platform. Not only did I learn all this from my research on the July 4th holiday, I also learned that, per the biometrics, over 150 MILLION hot dogs are consumed by Americans each 4th, which if placed end to end, would stretch from L.A. to Washington D.C. and back five times. I’m assuming the 150M number would include the 71 eaten today by this year’s Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest winner Joey Chestnut, which has to be one the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard. I wanna’ go out back and yark in the azaleas just thinking about eating SEVENTY-ONE HOT DOGS AT ONE SITTING.

Gross.

But since it’s newsworthy, R U Kidding Media Events will be sending correspondent Al Pinevalley to cover the festivities at New York’s Coney Island this year. Better known by its acronym RUKME (pronounced as one word…think Scooby Do), you will recall that the most recent addition to the world of online news sites was launched back on 5/17/19, and has been providing up-to-the-minute reporting on such media events as the Nathan’s Contest (see above, above), the signing of the Dec of Inde and the recent screening of the new flick from filmmaker Wade Ingpool, “Zombie Sluts From Cleveland”, which is already being given some Academy Award consideration in the “Blockchain Cache” category.

Which leads me right into this week’s topic, recent news headlines, which is easily the smoothest segue you’ll ever see on the WATRUK blog, believe me.

Denary desk-checking.

~Dateline Washington D. C.:

                “Only 14 People Attend Massive 4th Of July Celebration In Nation’s Capital!”

                Despite spending $250 gazillion of the taxpayer’s money and inviting and providing free tickets to every conservative asshat in the country, only 14 people showed up at the supposed-to-be gala Independence Day Celebration orchestrated by President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump on Thursday, 7/4. Although the mega-event was billed as a “Celebration of America” rather than the political rally it actually was, it featured U.S. military tanks and other rolling hardware on parade, flyovers by Air Force One and the Blue Angels Flight Demonstration Squad, various GOP members of Congress dressed and made-up as clowns (normal attire), dancing bears, women in skimpy outfits, each with their own bodyguard to protect them from the President and rock legend-in-his-own-mind Ted Nugent playing “America the Beautiful” on guitar while dressed in a red, white and blue jockstrap. When asked about the abysmal attendance, the President stated that it was the “largest crowd to ever witness a spectacle in D.C. history, just like my inauguration.” (PTB had asked Russian President For Life Vladimir Putin to provide Russian tanks and hardware for the festivities, but Dictator and Trump BFF Putin declined, stating that “Donnie is my good friend but he’s such a crook he’d probably keep everything we sent over.”)

~Dateline Washington D.C. (again):

                “DNC Says Another Debate Planned In Response To Trump’s Failed July 4th Celebration”

                Democratic National Committee Chairperson Tom “Republicans Are Lying Snotwads” Perez announced today that, in response to what he called the “partisan and completely bogus” 4th of July celebration staged today in the nation’s capital by President Trump, all 356 Democratic Presidential hopefuls would be invited to participate in another debate next week. When questioned in an exclusive interview with RUKME correspondent Marshall Law about including ALL the current candidates in one giant cluster-fuck, thus limiting their response times dramatically, Perez said, “All Americans need to see and hear the Demo…” as his time ran out. Senator Bernie “Colonel” Sanders, one of the huge group of Democrats hoping for the party’s 2020 nomination, immediately tweeted that he would only participate if “we can give away a bajillion dollars to each and every taxpayer in the country.”

~Dateline Washington D.C. (once more):

                “Cold War Spies Boris and Natasha Offer To Assist President Trump With Dirt On 2020 Dem Candidate”

                RUKME has learned that, in response to President Trump’s comments several weeks ago that he would be willing to listen to any “dirt” on his Democratic opponent in the 2020 Presidential campaign from foreign sources, Trump Campaign Manager Brad “I Have No Shame” Parscale was contacted by Cold War spies/Russian agents Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale, who offered to provide “dirt” to the President’s campaign on any Democratic nominee. Badenov and Fatale, besides being spies, were also featured in the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” cartoons in the 1960s, which would make them perfect conspirators for the Trump reelection effort. When contacted by RUKME correspondent Warren Peace, both Badenov and Fatale said that they just wanted to get even with “moose and squirrel”, alluding to Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Bullwinkle Moose, who are both Democrats, and then declined further comment.

~Dateline Pyongyang North Korea:

                “Kim Says Will Halt Nuclear Proliferation If Given California”

                Chairman of the State Affairs Commission of North Korea and “great person born of heaven” Kim Jong-un said today that, in return for America giving him the State of California, he would voluntarily halt all nuclear testing in his country, effective “sometime, maybe tomorrow or in the next century perhaps”. The North Korean dictator and BFF to American President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump further stated that if he wasn’t given title to the “Golden State” he would immediately launch missiles on San Francisco, despite the fact that his nuclear arsenal only has the capability of reaching halfway across the Pacific, even with a tail-wind. When asked by RUKME correspondent Jena Rator about the lack of distance capability of his rockets, Kim said “no comment” and then rushed off to play with his G.I. Joe Action Figures.

~Dateline Forest City IA:

                “RV Manufacturer Announces New ‘Mitch McConnell’ Line of RVs”

                Recreational vehicle manufacturer Winnebago announced today that it will be launching its new “Mitch McConnell” line of RVs in the immediate future. Company President Chuck Wagon stated that Winnebago was motivated to create the “new and exciting” line of campers to represent the “integrity and honesty” of the current Senate Majority Leader, and that they expected huge sales of the new vehicle. Wagon went on to say that the camper (pictured below) would be available in only one color, Republican Red, and that it would have no options, just an empty space in the rear, in keeping with McConnell’s far right-wing legislative programs.

Well, at least if His Eminence, our dear President, decided to declare RUKME stories “fake news”, he’d actually be right for once.

Love and Betsy Ross,

Cap’n John