I WHY WHY WHY WHY WONDER

A couple of weeks ago one of my Facebook buds, a very nice man who shares a huge love of music with me, posted a video to my page, something we do back and forth with some frequency; it was Bonnie Raitt’s rendition of the old Del Shannon song Runaway. Just so happens that I was a big fan of the original, which was released in 1961, and I had heard Bonnie’s version previously and liked it very much…both are excellent examples of the rock n’ roll/pop genre.

If you’re not familiar with the tune, there’s a short bridge in the middle of the chorus where the music stops flowing and goes into a choppy, syncopated rhythm and Del/Bonnie goes, “…and I wonder, I why why why why wonder…” and then whoever was singing goes on to lament why the subject of the song, the Little Runaway, ran away. (In his version, Del Shannon did this phrase in a Frankie Vallie-type falsetto…since I’m pretty sure women don’t have a falsetto range to their voices, Bonnie didn’t. Shannon also had a big hit that same year with a song called Hats Off To Larry, in which he taunts the girl who left him and broke his heart when she gets dumped by Larry, the guy she left DS for, in a ha-ha-fuck-you-serves-you-right-you-two-timing-twat kind of rant…to my knowledge, Bonnie has never covered that song, since she would have to either be a lesbian or change the name to Mary to make the lyrics work.)

Anyway, Del and Bonnie aren’t the only ones who wonder; there are a whole shitload of things that I wonder about and have for years…for example:

~ Where does the electricity go when you pull the plug out of the wall…I mean, how come some doesn’t leak out and make a puddle on the floor below the socket? Is there a internal stopper thingie that keeps it in? Or is there a suction device inside the fuse box that shlurps it back in so it doesn’t rush out and zap your ass as you walk past? (When I was about five, I was “helping” my dad repair a faulty plug on one of the lamps in our living room…the old man cut off the bad one, leaving it, with about three inches of cord including exposed wire still attached, on the floor, which I then picked up and, unbeknownst to him, proceeded to walk over and stick in another socket there in the room. Needless to say, I have had a healthy respect for electricity ever since.)

~ Who the hell thinks up all these weird-ass drug names? My doctor put me on a blood pressure medicine last year (mild case) called Lisinopril (works great, gives me the poops sometimes). What the hell is “Lisinopril”? Was the guy who invented it named Lisino? How does the pharmaceutical industry think up this goofy shit? The clinical name for Viagra is “Sildenafil”; what the hell is that? Why can’t they just call it “boner medicine”? Prozac is “Fluoxetine” which sounds like some kind of antique musical instrument, you know, like “he was the ruler of Lower Zimbabwe in the 1500s, and in addition to being Lord High Poohba, he also raised albino Peruvian alpacas and played the fluoxetine”.

~ And speaking of musical instruments, what the hell was the guy who invented the trombone thinking of? What’s this with the huge slider thingie going in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out and in and out like it’s having some kind of weird brass sex with itself? Was the slider thing really necessary? I mean, trumpets are straightforward and decent and don’t have one, and tubas work just fine with a shitload of tubing (hence the name I suspect) without any of that disgusting in and out pumping nonsense. Geez already.

~ Why does the guy have to kneel in front of the woman to propose getting married? Why can’t the woman take the knee once in a while? I mean, I don’t have a problem personally with the “man being subjugated to the woman” thing; shit, let’s face it, women are WAY smarter than men, much more attractive, a lot less hairy and smell considerably better, so yeah, guys probably should “assume the position” right off the bat. And why do women always cry when they’re asked like they’ve just been given a million dollars and a free life-time supply of “C” cell batteries for their vibrators? Next time I get married (BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, SURE) she’s going to kneel down and ask me. (Yeah, right, this from the guy who always had the last word with his ex-…actually last two…”yes, dear”.)

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

We interrupt this column to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! from the RUKME News Desk…

-Dateline Washington D. C.

“President Trump, Loser of Election, Invokes 28th Amendment, Sues Everyone”

In one more of his frequent departures from reality, losing President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump today announced that he was invoking the 28th Amendment, which he claims allows him to bring suit against any American who didn’t vote for him in the election that he lost on November 3rd of this year, all 78 million of them, to seek redress for giving him a reputation of losing. Unfortunately for the loser of the Presidential election, there are currently only 27 Amendments to the Constitution. Mr. Trump, the losing candidate, went on to say that the Amendment, which apparently exists only in his mind, enables him to “correct this very bad thing that happened, very wrong, that I lo…that I came in second to Sleepy Joe Biden, which was very bad and these suits will fix this very bad thing so I’m the winner as everyone knows I am”. When asked by White House Correspondent Art Deco if this wasn’t just one more lost cause, much like all the other lawsuits that the President and the Republican Party have brought and lost, President Trump appeared to lose his temper, gave Mr. Deco the finger, lost his balance briefly as he stormed off the podium, where he turned the wrong way to leave the room, as if he were momentarily lost.

More on this breaking story as it becomes available…

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog post.

~ For the longest time when I was younger, I wondered if Armadillo TX was the home of the eponymous animal, given the name…made sense to me. It was only a few years ago that I became aware that the city in Texas actually spells its name “Amarillo”, thoroughly destroying that idea. I was briefly devastated.

~ And who the hell exactly is in charge of naming things, anyway? Who comes up with words like “armadillo” or “zither” or “giraffe” or “dildo” or “rutabaga” or whatever? What ever happened to simple words like “goat” or “post”? Why couldn’t a “gazebo” just be a “shlarn”? It’s a lot simpler, and I think things are complicated enough in our world today without a bunch of snooty-sounding words like “integer” and “paradigm”, “nihilism” or “belsnickler”.

~ You have to wonder what genius came up with the idea for “non-alcoholic” beer…really? Really? Doesn’t that rather defeat the purpose of the whole thing? Yeah, I suppose there are some people who occasionally drink beer just for the flavor, but anybody who says that they drink beer JUST for the taste is a lying sack of rancid llama spleens. If flavor was the only reason people drank beer, the breweries of the world would have been out of business centuries ago.

~ Why, why did the guy who invented tennis back in the 11th century over in France put the friggin’ net smack across the middle of the court, where it’s right in the way? Are you kidding me? Shit, put the net around the outside to keep the balls in, yeah, that makes sense, but across the center, what is that? Tennis would be a much better game if they eliminated the net and just smacked the ball back and forth at each other. Maybe they could award points for how many times you could hit the opposing player. (Tennis would be a much better sport if they eliminated that obnoxious Serena Williams too.)

~ And you have to wonder if Nature was taking a nap after an extended lunch break when it decided to put the nose on a human being’s face directly above the mouth? Talk about a design flaw. Oh good, just where I want a runny, phlegmy, snotty, gross, disgusting orifice, directly on top of the organ people use for tasting and eating. Yuck. Right in the middle of people’s foreheads would have been a much better location for my money. And as long as I’m on the subject of “design flaws on humans”, who was the genius who gave men nipples? Great, faucets with no plumbing. (Thank you to the comedian Gallagher for that one.)

~ Best one of all…how do SEVENTY TWO MILLION PEOPLE VOTE FOR A MAN WHO HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE A LIAR, A CHEAT, A DEADBEAT, AN ABUSER OF WOMEN AND A GENERALLY DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING TO HOLD THE HIGHEST OFFICE IN THE COUNTRY?

Talk about wonder…if that doesn’t make you shake your head in confusion, nothing will.

Oh, you guys heard the rumors? DTBT is going to star in a TV series, once he’s pried out of the White House; it’s going to be a remake of the 1960s sci-fi series, Lost In Space.

Hey, once a loser…

Love and questions,

Cap’n John