This week’s post will serve as a “sort-of” PSA…my hope is that any person who is guilty of any/all of the following and who reads these words will be so overcome with remorse and shame at their actions that they’ll cut it the fork out immediately, thereby making the grocery shopping experience for the rest of us a MUCH more pleasant undertaking than it is currently.

Because if this shit continues, people, legislation will be introduced in Congress to recognize and address this problem, and arrest, convict and severely punish the above-said abusers.

In other words, if the bill passes, you get caught doing this crap, you’ll get your peenie whacked.

As many of you already know, my other gig, when I’m not functioning as the Captain and Master of the R U Kidding, is working part-time as a Front Service Clerk for a Publix Supermarket store here in Florida (Publix jargon translation…an FSC is more commonly known as a “bagger”), and as such, get a first-hand and up-close view of all the things you see on the list below.

Once again, as is often the case these days, an article on the ‘Net caught my eye the other day…”13 Rude Things You Need To Stop Doing At The Grocery Store”. The Rude 13 were determined by a poll taken by Treadmill Reviews, whoever the hell they are. (

Let me just dive right in, whatta’ say?

1st Rude Thing-Leaving your cart in the parking lot

                Now as “rude things” go, this one is low on the totem pole of offensiveness…I mean, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t put your cart in the outside “corral” or push it back inside the store, but the newer carts being used in today’s modern grocery store are some kind of plasticized metal of some mysterious chemical origin (in its liquid form, one slight change in the formula and instead of “plamet” you get a high-quality floor-wax remover) and as such are really, really light and on a windy day blow all over the parking lot, smacking in to other’s peoples vehicles and denting the shit outta’ them. Me, I drive a 30-year old Yugo, so I’m not real concerned about dings, but for the guy/gal with last year’s 510 Beemer, that sucks. 72% of respondents thought this was a shitty thing to do and want the offenders drawn and quartered. (Rude asshat rating=5 Anuses)

2nd Rude Thing-Leaving your cart in the checkout line while you go grab another item

                Sure, the entire world revolves around you, so certainly, park your cart so your spot in line is assured and then make the mad dash ALL the way back to the Produce Department to get a strawberry/kumquat/broccoli kombucha. Hey, no problem…you wanna’ stop in Frozen Foods and pick up a turkey roll on your way through? (I had a customer ask me if we carried “frozen turkey roll” the other day…yeah. I checked on that one with three other employees, including the Grocery Manager, none of whom had ever heard of it either. I went back to the lady and told her that if the damn things can’t fly, they probably can’t roll either and to forget it.) This offense should net those convicted of doing this a life sentence to hard labor picking Grown In Idaho© potatoes by hand. (Rude asshat rating=6.5 Anuses.)

3rd Rude Thing-Leaving the checkout line while your groceries are being scanned (for another item)

                See “2nd Rude Thing” above. At Publix, we can scan your order, bag it, “save” it in the computer and put it aside, allowing us to move on to the other customers in line while you’re out roaming the store looking for organic dingleberries. (Rude asshat rating=7 Anuses)

4th Rude Thing-Blocking the aisle with your cart

                Geez, give us all a break…move the fuck over. (These people who “aisle-hog” are the same assholes who get in front of you in the far left-hand lane on the highway and then drive 10 MPH below the speed limit.) Once again, yes, Mr./Ms. Self-Absorbed, YOU are the center of the universe, and the rest of us mere tokens in the ongoing drama of YOUR LIFE. Should be punishable by 10 years in prison/39 lashes. (Rude asshat rating=7.5 Anuses)

5th Rude Thing-Cutting the line

                This is serious offense just begging for a severe peenie-whacking…sure, you can walk up behind/on the side of the cash register and ask the cashier if he/she will ring your newspaper/candy bar/condom, thereby avoiding that boring, plebian task of waiting your turn with the rest of us in line in front of the register, hey, no problem. WTF, are you kidding me? (This happens a lot, and of course I’m standing at the end of the register so I see/hear the whole thing…I tell people, sure, no problem, you can cut in but there’s a special “Line-Cutters” fee of five bucks applied to your order. Then I just wink at them.) (Rude asshat rating=8 Anuses)

6th Rude Thing-Encroaching on anyone else’s personal space in line

                I do so roundly hate this…back up. (I love being tail-gated as well.) And as an adjunct to this Rude Thing, People talking on cell-phones while waiting in line. Hey, Ms. Oblivious, none of us want to listen to you rant at the top of your voice about your boyfriend or your boss to your BFF. Send her a text and STFU. If convicted, 10 years, solitary…you can crowd all the people in your cell as much as you want. (Rude asshat rating=8.5 Anuses)

7th Rude Thing-Gaming the Express Lane

                This is so thoughtless. Okay, granted, it’s not on a par with say, murder or armed robbery or llama defiling, but it sooooo sends the message to the other shoppers behind you that, well, gee, OF COURSE I can have 15 items in the “10 Items Or Less” lane, I’M SPECIAL. And WAY better than the rest of you misbegotten cretins. 20 years/loss of a limb. (Rude asshat rating=7 Anuses)

8th Rude Thing-Letting your kids misbehave

                By show of hands, besides me, how many of you would be in favor of making this a capital offense for the parents of the unruly children, punishable by life imprisonment and/or a full frontal lobotomy? And I love kids, truly, and it breaks my heart to see these little anarchists acting out, knowing that what I’m really seeing is the next Ted Bundy or Donald Trump. My mother came from the “Ralph Cramden School Of Discipline”…right to the moon I would have gone had I acted like that in public, or Publix, for that matter. (Insert winky face here.) (Rude asshat rating=8 Anuses)

9th Rude Thing-Not putting perishables you no longer want back where they belong

                I.e., sure, we always keep packages of calf’s liver on top of the cake mixes…keeps better that way, gives it an “aged” flavor. (I accidentally spelled it “batter” rather than “better” and when I noticed, I thought, yeah, cake mixes, makes sense.) Come on, people, put the shit back, or at least give it to the cashier when you’re checking out and we’ll put it back where it goes. What, are you ignorant? Should receive a 10 year sentence if convicted, to be served in a meat locker in Siberia. (Rude asshat rating=7.5 Anuses)

10th Rude Thing-Not putting non-perishables you no longer want back where they belong

                See 9th Rude Thing above. Geez.

11th Rude Thing-Sampling food (other than actual samples)

                It’s just a couple of grapes, right? Or a strawberry or two? Tell you what, multiply “a couple of grapes/a few strawberries” times a few thousand people every day walking through a particular grocery store times ALL the supermarkets in the country and then complain to me that food prices are too high. You want it? Then pay for it. Lock’em up. (Rude asshat rating=6 Anuses)

12th Rude Thing-Helping yourself to your haul before paying

                This doesn’t strike me as the crime of the century but, okay, it is kinda’ gross. I mean, you can’t wait until you get home to start stuffing your face? Give the rest of us a break, can you? Misdemeanor offense, 60 days or $60 bajillion. (Rude asshat rating=5.5 Anuses)

13th Rude Thing-Being a complete asshat at any time

                Hey, do I sound like a bitter old man? Well, what do you expect from someone who is old, lonely, depressed, old, sad, cynical, old, bitter and old but who possesses a sparkling personality and devastating good looks?

So I guess the moral of this story should be, don’t be a dick, at the grocery store or for that matter any place…nobody likes a dick. Well, okay, there was Pat Nixon, but other than that…

Love and civility, something that is severely lacking in our society today,

Cap’n John