ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY, AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE_VOL XV_THE ELECTION EDITION

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE SUPPORTERS OF DONALD TRUMP

Trump voters:

During a speaker phone call made on Wednesday, 11/25, to Pennsylvania Republican lawmakers, who were gathered to hear attorney Rudy Giuliani address them about alleged voting fraud in their state, former President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump said that “this election was rigged” and that “we won by a landslide”.

Here we are, nearly four weeks since the America people voted, and your man is still claiming fraud.

“Hair Dye” Rudy has been saying it, former Trump lawyer and “Kraken Releaser” Sidney Powell has been saying it, attorney Jenna “I Love To See My Name In The Headlines” Ellis has claimed it, a number of Trump Administration officials have been saying it and the more than 30 lawsuits that have been filed with various state and federal courts in the “battle ground” states by the Trump campaign/supporters have claimed it as well.

In fact, to refresh your memories, here’s what Donald and Rudy and Sidney and Jenna and a bunch of other folks have been saying and claiming in lawsuits since the election, in no particular order…

~ That there was “massive” voter fraud in the State of Georgia, and that voting software manufacturer Dominion Voting Systems and several Georgia officials were “paid to be part” of the conspiracy.

~ That “dead people” voted for President-elect Joe Biden in Georgia and Nevada. (This is a charge that surfaces with virtually every national election; indeed, up in Northern Illinois, where I’m from, Cook County is famous for its “cemetery constituency”.)

~ That there were “no observers” from the Republican Party watching the PA voting count in several counties. (When the attorney representing the Trump campaign admitted there was a “non-zero number of people observing the count” in the room, presiding Judge Paul S. Diamond responded acerbically, “I’m sorry, then what’s your problem?”)

~ That late ballots were illegally counted, also in Pennsylvania, and that the extended mail-in ballot deadline was “unconstitutional” and shouldn’t have been allowed.

~ That various elections officials in several states were bought off. (Another ancient claim…see “cemetery constituencies” above.)

~ That in Nevada automated signature matching systems were somehow flawed and their usage shouldn’t be allowed.

~ That Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is a roving asshole and that five Wisconsin cities illegally accepted grants from Zuck earmarked to improve election systems. (The Wisconsin Supreme Court agreed that Mr. Like Button is indeed an roving asshole but tossed the suit anyway.)

~ That mail-in voters in PA were “wrongly” allowed to “cure” ballots with errors, but only votes made for President-elect Joe Biden.

~ That even after the State of Michigan had certified the state’s vote count, a suit brought by Michigan Republicans asked that the results be reversed, because President-elect Joe Biden is a “llama-faced ass bandit”. (Okay, I made that one up. Not the lawsuit, the quote. Sorry.)

~ That “Sharpies” were used to complete mail-in ballots in Arizona, resulting in invalidated ballots and an overvote for President-elect Joe Biden.

And on and on and on and on and on. And on.

According to a national poll by CNBC/Change Research, 73% of you folks that voted for Donald Trump thought that he was actually the winner of the election. And that over three-quarters of you don’t think that your guy should EVER concede the election.

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

We interrupt this letter to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! from the RUKME News Desk…

-Dateline Washington D.C.

“Trump Says 2013 Papal Election Was ‘Rigged’, That He Is Really Pope”

In a stunning announcement made during a brief and contentious White House press conference today, soon-to-be-former President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump said that the Papal Enclave that was convened in 2013 and elected archbishop of Buenos Aires Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio to be Pope was “rigged”. Mr. Trump said that in fact, his name had been written on the majority of ballots and he had actually been elected Pope, but the election was overturned by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, who was the camerlengo (that’s Italian for “sheep bladders”) at the time, when it was learned that Trump is not only not a Roman Catholic, but also considers himself to be God. When asked by RUKME White House Correspondent Joan O’Arc what religious affiliation he claimed, Mr. Trump said that he and First Lady Melanoma had recently converted to become members of the Roving Spastic Church, a sect that was founded back in February of this year by humor blogger and Internet sensation Cap’n John Krissongs, and that he is considering, post-inauguration, of attending seminar to study to become a rabbit. When further asked by Ms. O’Arc if he meant “rabbi”, Mr. Trump gave her the finger and stormed from the podium.

More on this breaking story as it becomes available…

We now return you to your previously scheduled open letter.

Speaking of letters, this seems like a good time to answer the thousands (hundreds…well, dozens…okay, a couple) of inquiries I’ve received recently from my loyal readers seeking advice on how to seduce, err, excuse me, to find a lifelong companion and support system to enrich their lonely lives.

“Der Capn:

                im a lawn mantanance guy for larrys lawns and bushes her in macon gorja and im prod to say that I voted for doneld trump three times and it just burns my grits to see how the libtards stoll the lection frum mr trump this year. i need me a wuman to have arund the place, ya know, to cook and clean and maybe make some little trump votrs with. ive got most of my teth, tak a bath oncst a wek reglar, ben all the way to forth grad twice and got ma own 79 chevy pickup, pad for. Any idees wher i can find an ol redneck gal that likes possum meat, that ol ruch limbow guy and gone to tracter puls on satrdy nites?

                Rufus cornhole cts that mens sertifid trump suprtr”

Dear “Rufus”:

                There have been rumors on various social media platforms that Melonoma Trump might be leaving Donald once he is no longer President; you might want to contact her. I’m sure she would be thrilled to hear from you and, hey, let’s face it, her taste in men is questionable.

“Cap’n John:

               I’m a Trump-voting, gun-toting, Bible-thumping, God-fearing Christian woman in my late 50s who lost her husband six months ago to the Covid, and I’m back in the market for another. The doctors lied and said it was the Covid, but we know that’s a hoax because Mr. Trump said so. I’m looking for an older guy, like him to be a church-goer and maybe an NRA member too, a man who likes country music and FOX News. And none of that sex stuff either, that’s disgusting. Where can I find a guy like that, Mr. Cap’n?

                Lonely Lulu Belle from Lubbock”

Dear “Lulu”:

                You’re a lulu all right…geez. Have you tried hanging around the Shit-Kickers R’ Us there in Lubbock? Maybe you’ll catch the eye of some West Texas dirt farmer on his way through town going to the feed store on his tractor. Yee-haw.

“Dear CJK:

                I never thought I would find myself righting to some left-wing liberul blog guy for help finding a woman, but after three devorces, I’m getting depesrut. Im in my 30s and work at Dennys here in kissmee Florda, and I’m a proud member of Mickey’s Militia and the Holy Moly Pentecustel church, I got my own ar15 and i thnk Donald trump was sent by God to be Presdent. I need me a woman who likes fishing, hunting and gong to swap meets. I hate you for all the bad thngs you said about mr. Trump, but maybe you ken help me. You can reach me car of bobby Joe hatfield, twilleys Trialer park 234 mainst kissime fl. Thanks.”

Dear Bobby Joe:

                I suspect that if you spent some time at the local Walmart, browsing in the Woman’s section, that you might find the girl of your dreams. Or there’s an online dating service that you might try…www.redneckladiesforu.com. Just a thought.

“Cap’n John:

                I’m not looking for “lovelorn advice” but I do have a question…what kind of sick, twisted person would use one of those cute, wrinkly-skinned little doggies to mark a ballot with? That’s just awful; is it any wonder why people who voted for Donald Trump were upset by this? It’s sick, absolutely sick. Wait, a friend just walked in and she’s reading what I wrote…OH, the PEN…never mind.

               Roseanne Roseannadanna”

Shit, I got interrupted by that News Flash and I forgot to finish my “open letter”…so, Trump folks, to quote President-elect Joe Biden, “here’s the thing”…

IT’S ALL TRUE, EVERY BIT OF IT. YES! THE FRAUD, THE PAYOFFS, THE RIGGED ELECTIONS, THE NO OBSERVERS, THE LATE BALLOTS, THE CHEATING, IT’S ALL TRUE!!

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA, YOU GUYS WERE HOSED! IT’S ALL ABSOLUTELY TRUE! WE GOT GEORGE SOROS AND MICHAEL BLOOMFIELD AND A BUNCH OF OTHER LIBERAL, SNOTTY LEFT-WING GAZILLIONAIRES TO KICK IN A BAJILLION DOLLARS EACH AND THEN WE PAID OFF ALL THE STATE ELECTION OFFICIALS, ALL THE SECRETARIES OF STATE, ALL THE COUNTY ELECTION PEOPLE, ALL THE VOTE COUNTERS, THE POLL WATCHERS, EVERYONE…GAVE’EM ALL A MILLION IN CASH AND STOLE THE ELECTION. RIGHT OUT FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR NOSES!

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA.

YOU AND TRUMP WERE SO HOSED!

And the Spastics (my church) don’t have Cardinals either, with their silly red robes and their goofy-looking hats; our guys wear brown and orange vestments and we call them “Robins”.

DeeTeeBeeTee should fit right in…with any luck, pretty soon he’ll be a “jailbird”.

Love and ballot boxes,

Cap’n John