ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY, AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE_VOL XIV

(Editor’s note: Today’s post is dedicated to my good friend Sarah H., a major sweetie who, at least as far as I know, had the best of intentions and the purest of motivations. Thank you, thank you.)

Last week one of my fave “kids”, a member of the casual group of young people, mostly co-workers, that I have informally and unofficially adopted as surrogate “grandchildren”, offered to “fix me up” with a “friend” of hers, an “older lady” that she characterized as “she’s fun, interesting, single, she has no visible warts and all her own teeth” for some kind of social interaction between us that could eventually I would imagine, since the person in question here was of the female persuasion and myself of the male counterpart, lead to some form of romantic liaison. (Not that the female/male thing is a prerequisite in our 21st century, “hook up with whomever” world, a world by the way of which I whole-heartedly approve…there’s precious little love and caring in this life often times and for my money, people should be free to seek it with anyone they so choose.)

Although I was much flattered by her interest (pity) in bringing this lady and myself together, I declined in what I hope was a gracious manner. Even after she showed me a pic of her friend, I still declined, though my declination had nothing to do with the fact that the woman had an orange Mohawk and a third eye tattooed in the middle of her forehead…those things were of no consideration, believe me. (Okay, maybe a little.)

No, my lack of interest in dating at my age (ancient) is predicated on more practical matters: I can’t afford it, I have physical limitations that would, in my mind, make it difficult, I under no circumstances desire the “intimacy” of a relationship and the vulnerability that accompanies such closeness and frankly, women scare the shit outta’ me.

I like them, very much in fact, but they’re really, really scary. (I like pizza just as much, it doesn’t frighten me nearly as bad, and it’s cheaper.)

I suppose some people will find my attitude stunted and confining, limiting myself to a lonely life of romantic poverty and deprivation (gag me with a hearing aid), and they may be right. Just the same, it still ain’t gonna’ happen.

So I don’t understand, from my narrow, constricted point of view, this urge by so many of my fellow “seniors” to date. I mean, if that’s your gig, more power to you, and believe me, if the right lady walked into my life tomorrow by accident, I would embrace the opportunity (maybe); of course, I feel the same way about suddenly coming into a lot of money and buying a 2020 C8 Corvette as well, and the ‘Vette wouldn’t require an emotional attachment. (I almost made a smart ass remark here about being able to get a boner over the new mid-engined ‘Vette as easily as I could a woman, but then thought better of it…oh shit…well, too late. It’s also a sad testament to who I am as a person.)

Anyway, all of the above leads me to the mystification I felt recently upon reading an article in the Tampa Bay Times that carried the headline: “Lawsuit: Dating site refused refund despite virus”. (Fortunately I soon learned that the “virus” in question was Covid-19, not something more sinister.)

According to the report, an 86-YEAR OLD MAN brought suit against a local dating service for refusing to refund his fee (more on that in a moment) because his doctors informed him that he “should stay home during the pandemic”; since he couldn’t go out, he wanted his money back.

The dating service contracted with this guy to provide “eight introductions” to women over the course of a year, based on his specifications, for the paltry sum of $4,995.

That’s right, ceiling fans, FOUR THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY-FIVE DOLLARS. A mere five-spot short of five grand. In his suit he’s asking for $8,000 in damages plus fees and costs.

The service, whose name I am not using so as to not give them any free advertising, although I’ll name them for the right amount of money, lists a number of “categories” from which clients may make their selections, including Christian, divorced, mature, over-50, alive, professional, possessing a pulse, senior, serious, Satan-worshipers, active, Republican and other. (Boy, wouldn’t you just LOVE to know what constitutes “other”…”Hi, my name is Bronwyn and I’m a three-breasted lover of Zen hang-gliding, and I’m also into nude fencing and macrobiotic Mayan cooking. I love shaggy dogs and llamas with large testicles.”)

The article went to say that another suit had been brought against the same dating service for failure to perform (couldn’t get it up, I would imagine) by a woman who alleged that she was charged $3,500 for the same eight “intros”, but only got three…#1 she had “nothing in common with”, #2 “didn’t qualify” and #3 was a “no show”. Sort of a “three strikes and you’re out” scenario, I suppose.

And how come Larry Lothario had to pay $4,995 and his female counterpart got by with only $3,500? What the hell is that all about, anyway? That’s discrimination, pure and simple.

I mean, really, are you kidding me? Really? You’re 86 frigging years old and “looking for love in all the wrong places”? Shit, the guy would be lucky to live long enough to get all eight introductions, for crissake.

FLASH! FLASH! FLASH!

We interrupt this column to bring you a Breaking! News! Story! from the RUKME News Desk…

-Dateline Washington, D.C.

*President Makes Surprise Nomination for SCOTUS Vacancy*

In an apparent effort to broaden his support base and appeal to a younger constituency, President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump today announced that he has nominated the cartoon/kid’s book star Curious George to fill the vacancy on the Supreme Court left by the recent passing of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Mr. George, whose ancestral background is somewhat murky, being referred to in both his TV shows and children’s books merely as a “monkey”, has no prior judicial or legal experience, and in fact does not even possess a college degree of any kind. When asked about this complete lack of apparent qualification to be a member of the highest court in America by RUKME White House Correspondent Alice Inchains, President Trump was quoted as saying, “Mr. George, because he is a conservative and he is, umm, great, is perfect for the position of Justice. And he isn’t a “monkey supremacist” like his critics have claimed, just because he, well, he doesn’t believe in supporting rioters, or anti-fa Dems and he’s a great, great person and Sleepy Joe Biden hasn’t been able to stop the protesting and will raise everyone’s taxes, that’s what he said just last week, if he and his VP Crazy Nancy get elected.” When it was pointed out to Mr. Trump that Kamala Harris is the Democratic candidate for Vice-President and not Nancy Pelosi, who is the Speaker of the House, the President left the podium abruptly after giving Ms. Inchains the finger. When asked to comment on the strange nomination later in the day, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell replied, “I support the President and his selection for the post. We have the votes and we will cast them for anyone that Mr. Trump nominates, qualifications be damned.”

More on this breaking story as it becomes available…

We now return you to our regularly scheduled blog post…

So for absolutely FREE, I thought I would help “seniors” find potential “mates” by answering the questions about “love in your golden years” that I get from many of my loyal readers…

And so…

“Dear Cap’n John:

                I’m a 79-year old “gray hair” single lady that is still active, mostly continent and who doesn’t want to spend my declining years doing sick things to small animals with a fork for recreation. If I had a “partner” I’d be a lot happier, at least I think I would be, although my late husband was never able to “ring my bell” if you get my meaning, but still, I’d like to try again. I can’t afford one of those expensive dating services, so can you help me find the man of my dreams, or at least one with a pulse?

                Still “Looking For The First One” Laura From Louisville”

Dear “Laura”:

                I’m sending you a “$10 off coupon” for the website Adult Toys R’ Us; they have a number of “friends” you can buy that will help you get your “bell rung” without all that messy dating shit and that you won’t have to cook for either.

“Dear Cap’n:

                Can you help a male “golden ager”, in his late sixties, find true love and companionship “among the ruins” with a lady of the same age bracket? Someone who is warm, gentle, kind and into doing sick things to small animals with a fork? I tried one of those “senior dating” websites, but they wanted $10 gazillion, the deed to my house and my first-born grandchild to get me 5 “introductions” and that’s too much by a grandchild. Any ideas, Cap’n?

                No Dates Don from Danville”

Dear “Don”:

                Danville? Home of the Danville (IL) State Prison? You sure you’re not an inmate? Is this one of those sick “prison romance” things?

“Dear CJK:

                Cap’n, I’m old, wrinkly, have a bunch of unsightly liver spots, fifty pounds overweight, have halitosis and I can’t get it up anymore; can you help me find some worthwhile lady to spend time with?

                Needs Help in Hannibal”

Dear “Needs”:

                Yes, I’d be happy to bet with you that the Dodgers make the World Series again, and that Clayton “Charlie Choke” Kershaw blows it for them one more time. It’s what he does best.

I’m sorry to say that I have run out of space to answer any more of your pathetic, err, sorry, your heartfelt letters about love in last light of your lives…but for the amazing low price of $9,995, tax, title and license not included, I’ll be happy to respond individually and confidentially to your requests for assistance with dating. Just because I have no experience doesn’t mean I’m not qualified.

Just ask Donald Trump.

Love and vitamins,

Cap’n John