I GET LETTERS_VOL V

I was driving down the street earlier today when I noticed a car up ahead of me with one of those incredibly stupid “Baby On Board” signs stuck to the inside of the rear window; every time I see one, I think to myself, hey, great, thanks for the heads-up, I’ll make sure I don’t hit your car, I’ll hit someone else’s.

Around since back in 1984, “BOB” stickers were the brain-child of some guy named Michael Lerner, who founded a company called Safety 1st to market the signs; he got the idea from a friend who had seen them on cars over in Europe, contrary to the popular belief that the signs were created in response to the death of a child in a horrible, fiery crash of a vehicle that rescuers didn’t know had a small child onboard. No, they were meant to warn people to exercise more caution around a car displaying the sign in a window…again, hit the other guy, not me.

I seem to be seeing a lot of signs recently that lead me to believe that a significant portion of the populace in America would love to revert back to the time when we had a car in every pot and two chickens in every garage, and the “little lady” knew enough to keep in her place, which was out in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant; if Universal Studios decided to re-release the movie Back To The Future, it might actually be a bigger hit today than it was the first time around. Marty McFly, Doc Brown, Lorraine, Biff and that ridiculous DeLorean would go over these days like a Free Beer Night at Hooters.

And why does it always seem like it’s the Religious Right wingnuts that want to lead the “turn back the clock” advance to the rear? It’s hard not to feel sorry for anyone who is that afraid of seeing other Americans (WARNING…SERIOUS TONGUE IN CHEEK PLAY ON WORDS DEAD AHEAD) exercising their “God-given right” to live in any manner and do any damn thing they please, even if it means, gasp! demanding equal rights and pay for women, or oh no! marrying the person you love, or gasp! treating ALL people equally and with dignity and respect, or huh? allowing an armadillo to poke around in the grass outside your apartment building. (Yeah, Florida has ‘dillos…I finally saw one recently, just off my balcony.) These things would mean CHANGE, which to the Conservative Christian faction is a vile, dirty, disgusting word.

Case in point…a priest in Nashville TN recently decided to have the seven-book Harry Potter series removed from the parish school library, claiming that “these books present magic as both good and evil, which is not true, but in fact a clever deception. The curses and spells used in the books are actual curses and spells, which when read by a human being risk conjuring evil spirits into the presence of the person reading the text.” (I’m assuming that it would be acceptable for a non-human being, say a gefilte fish or a dromedary camel to read the books.) (Dromedaries are the ones with two humps.)

The priest, a Reverend Dan Reehil, went on to say that he had “consulted several exorcists in the U.S. and Rome who recommended removing the books.

Spells and curses? Exorcists? Really? In 2019? Wasn’t that a fictional movie from WAY back in the early ‘70s? Are you kidding me? Hey, Rev, you ever hear of that pesky First Amendment thing from our Constitution that says censorship is a big no-no. They didn’t allow that kind of trash in Roman Catholic schools back in the ‘50s, and by God, Father Dan isn’t going to allow it today either.

Heathens.

Or how about the recent remarks from the president of the uber-right wing Christian Family Research Council, Tony Perkins (is this the same guy who played the sick, twisted killer in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho? Oh, okay, sorry, wrong Tony Perkins…sometimes it’s hard to tell one nut from another), who claimed that the regularity of mass shootings in this country stems from a “decades-long march” to drive “religion and God from the public square”. Perkins went on to slam the teaching of evolution in schools, saying that “we’ve taught our kids that they come about by chance through primordial slime, and we’re surprised that they treat their fellow Americans like dirt”.

OMFG.

Yeah, Tony, except that there’s about a gazillion kids/people out there who have gone through our public school systems, been exposed to and generally understand the theory of evolution who haven’t gone out and gotten an AR-15 and several thousand rounds of ammo and then shot up the local WalMart because they have some goofball, right-wing agenda banging around in what functions for a brain in their heads.

As a friend of mine used to say, Jesus Jumping Christ on a sidecar.

Operative phrase in the above? “Decades-long”. This shit didn’t happen back in the “good ol’ days”, believe me, back when the male of the species was manly and barrel-chested and females were double-breasted and everybody knew their place.

And recently Marianne Williamson, described in an article on Politco.com as a “giant in the self-help field for decades” (there’s that word “decades” again…anybody but me seeing a trend here?) and currently a candidate for the Democratic nomination for President, God save us from Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, said in a tweet that “the Bahamas, Florida, Georgia and the Carolinas may all be in our prayers now” and that it was “the creative use of the  mind” that caused Hurricane Dorian to take an abrupt right turn away from Florida last week; I guess God decided the poor folks in the Bahamas weren’t as worthy as we Floridians.

It’s been some time now since I wrote a post eschewing the use of segue to move from what I always refer to in my mind as the “opening” into the “theme”…I’m way past due. (Eschewing? Oh my.) So here goes…

I’ve been receiving letters and messages from some of the various folks I spoke about in last week’s post, taking umbrage with my comments, opinions, remarks, etc.

To wit:

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                As Chief of Staff for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, I want to categorically deny the claims you made on your blog last week that Mr. McConnell had surgery recently for the removal of his brain; this is completely untrue. Further, I also want to deny a rumor circulating around the country that Mr. McConnell, prior to the time you allege he was in the hospital, was on a fact-finding mission with a Mr. Scare Crow to the Land of Oz to see the Wizard there, seeking information regarding Neurosurgical Care, in particular transplants, in that country. In response to the ongoing attacks on the Senator and his brain, or the lack thereof, at the urging of President Trump, Mr. McConnell will be introducing legislation in the Senate suspending the ridiculous First Amendment right to freedom of speech, effectively bringing these unwarranted allegations to a halt. Let’s Make America Great Again!

                Regards,

                Daniel “Joe” Stalin,

                Chief of Staff for Majority Leader McConnell”

“Dear Shitbrain Cap’n john:

                Me an Fancy just wanna tell you we think you stink, you lousy liberal shit-wad. all those bad things your alwaays asayin bout his Supreem Holyness, ah, sorry, bout Presadent Trump, who was sent to LEAD US BY JESUS HISSELF, PRASE BEE HIS NAME. Presadent Trump is a grate man, an a Gratt Merican, and OUR LEADER! You libral dickbrains will get yurs when GOOD CHRISTIIN SOLJURS take this country away from the heathen, sinning librals and make it a GGOD CHRSTIAN COUNTRY AGIN!! We hate you.

                Sincerely,

                Peter an Fancy Pants, East Jesus NC”

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                I note with interest your reference to the studies we did at the Stephen Hawking Institute of Technology on canine intelligence in your blog post of 8/29. Let me, if I might, correct one or two minor inaccuracies from your report; first, the actual drop in the recorded IQ of the bitch Ivanka, over the period of the testing, started at her native level of intelligence, recorded at 118, not the 125 as you stated in your post. Second, Ivanka the bitch, after the described experiment, then had her IQ digress to a recorded level of 12, as you reported, but your inaccuracy was in comparing this number to the “level of a typical Republican Congressperson”; it has been our ongoing and very consistent finding that Republican Congresspeople have virtually no discernible intelligence levels whatsoever, and in fact are even dumber than armadillos, with few exceptions.

                Thank you for the opportunity to correct the record; keep up your good work, sir.

                Dr. Phil Herup,

                Director, SHIT”

Five bucks says I start getting letters from lovers of armadillos, who want to go back to a time when their beloved animals weren’t made fun of online by “libral dickbrains” like myself.

Set the WayBack Machine for 1950, Mr. Peabody…it’s time we went home.

Love and time travel,

Cap’n John

Post Script…for those of you not familiar with Mr. Peabody, his boy Sherman and the WayBack Machine, see the “Rocky and Bullwinkle Show” from back in the ‘60s.