ALL OF THE NEWS, SOME OF THE TIME, OCCASIONALLY_PART TWO

Now I wouldn’t want anyone to get the idea from the things I’m about to say or for that matter the numerous comments I’ve made in previous posts that I don’t like President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump…besides being a liar, a racist, a misogynist and an asshole, I’m sure he’s a pretty good guy in his own way; apparently his father Fred “We Found Him Under A Rock In the Backyard One Morning, Honest” Trump liked him well enough to leave his misbegotten offspring about a bajillion dollars, making it unnecessary for PTB to ever actually do anything in his life, his claims and bragging about his “deal-making” prowess and business super-acumen notwithstanding.

No, despite his obvious shortcomings, mentioned above, and the fact that he is without a doubt one of the most despicable, loathsome, completely-lacking-in-integrity-and-class human beings ever to steal oxygen from the rest of us decent folks, 62,984,825 people voted for him in the 2016 Presidential election, and they all seem to think he is, according to his assessment of their support for him, the Second Coming of the Messiah, assuming you’re not Jewish and don’t accept as fact the First Coming.

Maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking about His Eminence; maybe I’ve been judging Him too harshly. (Yeah, and maybe, to quote Wayne Campbell in the movie Wayne’s World, monkeys will fly out of my butt.)

Apparently his lackeys at FOX News have recently begun to seriously reevaluate their thinking about His Supreme Commander of the Worldness, and seemed to have reached the conclusion, like so many of us who aren’t blinded by his rhetoric and bullshit that, gee, maybe Mr. Wonderful isn’t so Wonderful after all.

Like the chicken and the egg enigma, it’s hard to tell who decided not to like who first; His Eminence has been carping about the FOX people for some time now, and just yesterday, after some recent treasonous rumblings from Mr. Trump’s State News Agency, several FOX commentators sprouted a backbone, grew a set of balls and told PTB, hey, shitwad, we don’t work for you , all indications to the contrary notwithstanding.

Will miracles never cease?

Like a petulant child having been told he can’t have any more ice cream, Second Coming stamped his foot, screamed in rage and called the FOX people some bad names (he remarked in a tweet that Donna Brazile, Juan Williams and Shep Smith were “hopeless and clueless”, being an expert on those subjects), to which FOXers Guy Benson and Brit Hume responded “Eff you, Your Eminence”, in a more appropriate manner, of course, although that was what it amounted to. (And a big shout-out and thank you to Jack Dorsey, Noah Glass, Biz Stone and Evan Williams, the creators of Twitter, for providing Mr. Trump with a platform for his constant and ongoing vileness and stupidity with their invention.)

The most telling thing I got from His Supremeness’s tweet was his comment that he needs to “start looking for a new News Outlet”, which I thought was at once a terrible alliteration and an excellent opportunity for the news reporting arm of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, RUKME.

R U Kidding Media Events…RUKME. (Pronounced as one word…think Scooby Doo.)

Boy, I thought to myself, being a male, I should step into this void and offer the services of the world’s newest news agency to His Wonderfulness, as a substitute for the fawning toadies at FOX. Hell, how hard can it be to defy all objectivity, slant your reporting, lie to your viewers, insult their intelligence and in general bow down at the altar of Lord Trump? (“Newest news”? Shit, sometimes I’m as bad as that moron in the White House.)

So I thought I would take the opportunity with today’s post and well, you know, audition for President Petulant, hoping that the crisp tone of the reporting, the high quality content, the on-the-spot timeliness of the stories and the fact that I can lie just as well as anybody would be a “YUGE” incentive to Mr. Wonderful to adopt RUKME as his BFF in the liar’s poker game of Network News.

Your Worship, please consider the following when you cast about for a replacement for your buddies at FOX…

~Dateline Stump Jump KY:

                “Senator Has Surgery, Expected To Be Out of Senate 6-8 weeks”

Doctors at Our Lady of Perpetual Motion hospital here announced today that Senate Majority Leader Mitch “Turtle Boy” McConnell had brain surgery at their facility yesterday; due to atrophy from a complete lack of use, Mr. McConnell’s brain was removed in a two-hour procedure, which Dr. S.O. Teric, the surgeon who performed the operation, said was a complete success and should result in no discernable change in McConnell’s performance of his duties as President Trump’s chief apologist and favorite fuck-puppet. He went on to say that Mr. McConnell was expected to make a full recovery and return to Congress in about 6-8 weeks, during which time he would not be missed by anyone. When asked by RUKME correspondent Terry Cloth if doctors experienced any problems during the procedure, Dr. Teric commented that other than not being able to find anything to remove at first, the operation went well.

~Dateline East Jesus NC:

                “Llama Gives Birth To Three-Headed ‘llamette’ On Local Farm”

Local farmer and Donald Trump supporter Peter Pants told RUKME reporter Polly Ethelene that a pet llama named Melania recently gave birth to a three-headed offspring on his farm, the site of a Presidential visit from The Messiah, Donald Trump, which took place eleven months ago in July of 2018, during a campaign trip to the area by the President. When asked by Ms. Ethelene about the normal gestation period of a llama, Mr. Pants replied that it was 11 months. Pants’ wife, Fancy, commented that President Trump was their idol, and that his visit and extensive tour of their farm, including time spent in seclusion in their barn with the livestock, which Mr. Trump said was an opportunity for him to “commune with nature to get a better feel for the plight of the great American farmer”, was the high point of their lives. No name has been given the new arrival as yet, but both Pants and his wife were said to be leaning towards “Junior”.

~Dateline Wanker MA:

                “Experiments Reveal Dramatic Drop In Canine IQ”

Scientists at the prestigious Stephen Hawking Institute of Technology announced here today that experiments performed recently on canines, in which the animals were forced to listen to hours of continuous broadcasts of FOX News commentators Juan Williams, Donna Brazile and Shep Smith for a period of several months resulted in a measureable and marked decrease in the dog’s Intelligence Quotient scores, and that it was felt by the researchers that the dog’s qualifications to run for Congress were greatly enhanced by the experiments. Dr. Phil Herup, the Director of SHIT, was quoted as saying, “We think we have finally found a way to enable “man’s best friend” to assist Americans in the governance of our great country” and assured RUKME reporter Laurel Enhardy, when questioned about any harm that might have been done to the animals, that “no dog was hurt during the procedures, as far as we know”. One of the animals that was part of the research, a bitch named Ivanka, pictured here with Dr. Herup, was said to have dropped from her normal canine IQ range of 125 down to a score of 12, or about the level of a typical Republican Congressperson. GOP Congressional leaders from the state of Massachusetts are said to be considering running Ivanka in the next year’s race in the 589th Congressional District, currently represented by Democrat Art Supplies.

~Dateline Clearwater FL:

                “Florida Man Arrested With Trump-Shaped Ecstasy Pills”

The Pinellas County Sheriff and Clearwater Police Departments announced today that a local man, Brendan Dolan-King, was caught with a number of Trump-shaped Ecstasy pills in his home  and was charged with possession of a controlled substance, possession of a ghastly sense of humor and general mopery. According to Sheriff’s Department spokesperson Coral Reef, the strangely shaped pills were labeled “Great Again” and that they were extremely ugly. Dolan-King is to be arraigned on Tuesday.

Okay, Pres, there’s our audition to become your “fave” news agency…I can’t imagine that you’ll find any other network more qualified, more concise in their reporting and more willing to become your go-to agency to bleet and blatt about how wonderful you are and how lucky America is to have you as our President.

Besides, I’m pretty sure CNN, MSNBC, the Washington Post and the New York Times aren’t going to be lining up for the job…they have better taste and better sense.

On second thought, I think I’ll join them…never mind.

Love and Pulitzers,

Cap’n John

Post Script…as you can see from the link, the last item was in fact true…god, I love living in Florida. Despite the hurricanes.