I GET LETTERS_VOL IV

After all the years of training, the studying and privations, the seemingly endless, agonizing drills, the time had finally come.

He stared at me with his steely gray eyes, and then spoke in a voice that was hard with intent.

“You have your orders, soldier…this isn’t a drill,” he said, as he handed me a wrench.

“No, sir,” I responded, “it’s a 56mm left-handed kroysening wrench, sir.”

“You know what to do, Lieutenant,” he said, as he raised his right hand to his forehead in salute. “Dismissed.”

I snapped to attention and returned his salute, then spun on my heel to leave. As I got to the door, I turned back to him.

“Sir, excuse me, but I think you look wonderful in that cerise bikini.”

Back in November of last year, motivated by a remark made by an uber-sweetie person named Katrina, who is my boss at the Publix grocery store where I work as a part-time Front Service Clerk, after she had read some of my posts on the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, I explored the idea that I might have a “for-real” author lurking about inside my cranium, searching for a story idea and struggling to break free of the restraints of writing “humor”; sadly, I came to the conclusion then, and certainly the above supports that conclusion, that I’m incapable of being serious for more than a few moments at a time, rendering it difficult to write anything of any substance.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with writing humor…shit, I think I’m hysterical; I go back and read old posts of mine and laugh like a crazed loon. Besides, I seem to be fairly good at it…hey, would a media guru like Anuj Agarwal (who?) of the RSS and website ranking service Feedspot.com have named WATRUK to their TOP 100 HUMOR BLOGS ON THE INTERNET if I wasn’t the second coming of Dave Barry, whose blog by the way is also on the list? (Okay, I had to bribe AA for the ranking…I gave him a bajillion dollars and lifetime free beer to get added.) (Okay, that’s a lie, I didn’t give him a bajillion dollars, but I did promise him the beer.) (Okay, I didn’t promise him any beer, I just submitted the WATRUK blog for their perusal, they perused and the rest is geography. Though I did beg and cry like a sissy-mary to be included.)

Damn good thing I don’t suffer from the agony of false humility, isn’t it?

I enjoy writing, something I came to in the “sunset” of my life…I enjoy sex too, but being in the “sunset” of my life, writing is a helluva lot easier to come by these days. Besides, when it comes to women, I’m like a dog chasing a car…if I caught one, I wouldn’t know what to do with it.

I used to be compelled, back in my youth, to do really mean things to my pet guinea pig, Alphonse, with a Dremel tool, but I finally outgrew that and now find my day-to-day compulsion to be writing. I seem to get all fuzzy and twitchy when I’m not putting words on paper (okay, words on a computer screen).

****SPECIAL BULLETIN****

Sorry to break into the narrative here, but something occurred to me earlier that I just have to get off my chest…you guys heard about this lunatic Joey Chestnut, the guy who won the Famous Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest last Thursday on the 4th? Yeah, this nimrod ate 71 HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS) IN ONE SITTING to win this year’s contest.

SEVENTY ONE HOT DOGS (WITH BUNS).

****CONTENT WARNING****

(I’m about to say something gross.)

So here’s what I was pondering after I read about Mr. Glutton of the Century Chestnut…can you imagine the dump that guy must have to take the next day? EEEEEEEYEWWWWW. “Children, can you say plunger?”

Sorry.

****WE RETURN YOU NOW TO YOUR REGULAR PROGRAMMED BLOG POST****

Besides the HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS Feedspot ranking (HIGHLY PRESTIGIOUS!) for the WATRUK blog, I also recently received a PM from a really nice lady I know down in the Lone Star State (every time the phrase “Lone Star” comes up on my radar I think about the movie Spaceballs by Mel Brooks…Google it so you understand and save me the explanation if you would) who besides being a published poet is a big fan of the WATURK blog, who said to me, “You are as funny as Dave Barry but with the wonderful dark chaos of the Marx Brothers.”

I sent her five bucks. (Seriously, what a nice thing for her to say.)

Speaking of writing (Holy John Steinbeck, Batman, that’s one of my smoothest segues ever), I’m getting a lot of feedback in the form of letters, emails, texts, carrier pigeon messages, etc., pissing and moaning, err, excuse me, commenting on a couple of columns I posted recently…mostly from whiners.

I thought to share them with you.

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                This letter is in response to the remarks in your post of 6/20, wherein you viciously malign our starting quarterback, Jameis Winston; although I agree with most of what you said, as the new head coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, I felt I should offer some feedback. It’s true that, sadly, Jameis has been “diagnosed with ‘Dumbfuck disease’” and that the “long-term expectations that he will ever amount to a cup of warm spit are pretty much nil”…well, now that I think about it, given the above, I guess I don’t have any response after all. You’re right, Jameis is pretty much useless. Never mind.

                                Bruce Ariens, Head Coach

                                Tampa Bay Buccaneers”

“Dear Cap’n John:

                As planetary spokesperson for Zatox (“The Best Little Planet In The Galaxy”), I have been directed by planetary officials to issue to Earth our most sincere apology for the return of Earthling Dennis Rodman to you after we abducted him many years ago; in retrospect, we now realize that, in the interest of improved relations between worlds here in the Galaxy and the elimination of an eyesore, rather than return him to you, we should have stuffed the ugly cross-dressing freak into the air-lock and shipped his butt off into the deepest reaches of outer space. We goofed…sorry about that. If you want, we can return Amelia Earhart as compensation; she’s a real sweetie and a helluva’ pilot and we’d miss her, but we figure we owe you one. Let us know, please.

                                Regards,

                                Wq56HH[rt] YYYY<>95hj, Planetary Spokesperson

                                Planet Zatox”

“Cap’n John Krissongs:

                As head of the 556-person legal team that represents President Donald Trump, I have been directed by His Eminence to inform you that He is aware of the malicious and unwarranted comments you wrote on your blog recently re the attendance and general make-up of the events and participants at the gala “Celebration of America” here in Washington on July 4th, but rather than address these in His usual manner by tweeting something that is either inane or a bare-faced lie, excuse me, by tweeting a contradiction, in an effort at conciliation with the “Fake News Press”, of which He considers you a member, His Worship has decided to speak with you directly and asks that you make yourself available on Wednesday, 7/17, for a personal phone call. His Eminence will speak with you at 1:00pm EST, just after His normal lunch of several Big Macs, three pounds of fries and a chocolate shake.

                                Sincerely,

                                Rudy Giuliani, Head Lackey

                                The White House”

“Dear Cap’n Krissongs:

                My name is I. Dontknow Howe, of the law firm Dewey Cheatem and Howe and I represent Mr. Boris Badenov and Ms. Natasha Fatale; I have been asked by my clients to contact you and to advise you that, should you continue your libelous and defamatory remarks re my clients having been in contact with President Donald Trump’s campaign manager Brad Parscale to offer their assistance in the re-election of the President in your blog post of 7/4, they will be forced to pursue whatever legal remedies are available to them. Despite the fact that Mr. Badenov and Ms. Fatale are cartoon characters, they are offended by the alleged connection to the Trump campaign and feel that their “brand” has been damaged by this connection. While it is true that both Badenov and Fatale were spies/agents for an undisclosed Eastern Bloc Commie country during the Cold War, and worked vigorously for the downfall of “moose and squirrel”, they believe that any dealings with someone as unscrupulous, dishonest and altogether “stoopid” as President Trump is an awful reflection on their limited character…they may be sleezy, but they’re saints compared to Mr. Trump.

                Thank you for your cooperation in advance.

                 I. Dontknow Howe, Attorney

                 Dewey Cheatem and Howe”

Well, I can’t wait to hear what President “Twetty Bird” has to say to me on the 17th…probably not anything I want to hear, but then, that pretty much is the case every time he opens his yap to speak.

And you know what, I feel bad about Boris and Natasha…I always liked them when they were on with Rocky and Bullwinkle; back in those days, cartoon characters were cute, clever and funny. The cartoon characters in Washington these days? Not so much.

Love and the Postal Service,

Cap’n John