I’M NOT BEING CHASED, BUT I AM RUNNING

(Editor’s Note: Today’s post is dedicated to my good friend and comrade Robin…the world was deprived of a fine, decent lady when she wasn’t born twins. I have no idea what her “politics” are, but she’s a sweetie, no matter for whom she votes.)

It’s been cool down here in the Sunshine State over the past few weeks, with the lows overnight getting down into the upper 30’s on a couple of occasions; okay, it’s not the Antarctic, but for FL, that’s brisk. And of course the “natives” are all freezing, and griping about the weather as if there has never been another time in the entire history of the planet that the southern peninsula off the east coast of North America has had temperatures in the 30’s. I saw one lady go striding through the Publix grocery store where I work part-time dressed in a heavy, insulated coat, boots, a scarf and…wait for it…earmuffs. At the time the temperature outside was in the mid-40’s.

Geez.

It’s certainly been cool enough to necessitate a light jacket or a sweatshirt if you’re going out, but dressing like you’re about to race in the Iditarod is a bit ridiculous. (I wonder if she had her dogs and sled parked outside?)

But the need to dress a little warmer recently led me to a discovery that I just had to share with you guys.

I was getting ready to go run some errands the other day, and in line with the depiction above of the weather conditions, I grabbed my fave black hooded sweatshirt off the shelf as I headed for the door. Being in a bit of a hurry and therefore not paying attention, I didn’t realize I had the sweatshirt backwards as I was pulling it over my head. As I brought it down, the hood, rather than falling forward in a neat fold, instead came straight down on the top of my cabeza (that’s Burmese for “llama intestines”) and parked itself thereon, completely covering my face, which I’m sure was a vast improvement over the uncovered version, leaving the back of my head totally exposed to the elephants. While I wouldn’t recommend this arrangement for driving an automobile, it is good for one thing…not seeing all the BS and nonsense that’s going on currently in America.

(Sounds of a phone ringing in the background…)

Excuse me…

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, First Mate.”

“I wrote what? Oh, I didn’t notice that I had done that; thank you, Ms. Wetzel.”

That was my First Mate, Tammie Wetzel; she monitors my posts in real time for spelling/content and also tries to keep me from screwing up too badly…she tells me that word should be “ELEMENTS”.

Sorry.

Anyway, with the ongoing debate over the |WALL|, in addition to the stock market, global warming, President Trump, the shutdown, the Russia investigation, Trump, the Patriots’ 417th consecutive appearance in the Super Bowl, gun control, Trump, Congress, China and Russia, Trump, that roving asshole Mitch McConnell, the Iranians, the Saudis, the Burmese, Trump and his Insane Clown Posse of a Cabinet/advisors, all coming at us at the same time, all the time…boy, some days it just gets to be too much.

Pull the hood down over my eyes, men, I don’t want to see anymore.

But rather than be like an ostrich and bury my head in the hoodie, I have a better idea, one that I hope I can convince all of you, my loyal readers, to buy into…vote for me for President in 2020.

Yes, that’s right, circulating fans, the Cap’n is running for President…I will be the candidate for the Hearty Party in the next Presidential election.

You might recall that I originally announced my candidacy back in January of last year (LET’S THROW A POLITICAL PARTY!); at that time I also presented to the voters of America a number of positions that I hold with regards to the many issues that face our country today, including imitation, the economy, global warming, the 2nd Amendment and women’s rights, just to name a few.

(Phone begins to ring in the background…)

Shit…excuse me again.

“Cap’n John…”

“Yes, Ms. Wetzel.” (When the audio book of my blog comes out, you’ll be able to hear a bit of exasperation in my voice.)

“Oh, I see. All right, I’ll change that. Thank you, First Mate.”

That was First Mate Wetzel again, telling me that the word I wanted was “immigration”, not “imitation”.

I apologize for the confusion, my own in particular.

Anyway, I would like to take the time now (and good luck stopping me) to restate my views on various issues, and to give you all firm reasons to cast your vote for me, Cap’n John.

IMMIGRATION

If you read my comments on this most exasperating of the issues that confront America today from my post last January (POLITICS CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX), you’ll note that I addressed the problem of “imitation”, which as far as I know isn’t a pressing dilemma for our country right now, but Mr. Trump’s goofy idea that we need a wall on our southern border to slow the influx of illegal immigrants, drug dealers, rapists, dumbfucks, international terrorists and who knows what other undesirables most certainly is. I agree with the need for a wall to be built, but I believe it should be built on our NORTHERN border rather than southern, to slow the influx of the “Canadian influence”; keep in mind, it was the Canadians that introduced hockey to the United States, and I for one do not intend to ever forgive them for doing that. Just what I want to see as “sports entertainment”, a bunch of stupid-looking Neanderthals with no front teeth squaring off with and wailing the shit out of each other, retaliation for some perceived slight that occurred while the teams were skating back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, allegedly playing hockey, and for the entire time the fighting continues, the fans are throwing dead fish, hats, cups of beer, snowblowers and eberts onto the ice. Oh yeah, that’s entertaining. Build the wall up North…the next crazy idea we’ll import from Canada is probably socialized medicine, and who wants to have quality medical care paid for by the government?

WOMEN’S RIGHTS

This one is simple…men are stoopid and women are, generally, always right. Anybody with an IQ above the level of room temperature knows that.

LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA

Another easy one…yes. And as your President, I’ll make it free for all citizens over the age of 65 (I’m 67).

THE 2ND AMENDMENT

As I said back in January (POLITICAL CAMPAIGNS FOR $500, ALEX), I firmly believe that all Americans should have the opportunity for a 2nd chance…if at first you don’t succeed, get a bigger hammer, I always say. So absolutely, if you screw up the first time at something, you certainly have the right to a 2nd Amendment. I cannot understand why this is an issue.

EUTHANASIA

I am not in favor of euthanasia at the exclusion of kids in America…let the Asian countries look after their own children.

GLOBAL WARMING

Given the status of the weather here in Florida recently, and considering that many of our residents are currently freezing their butts off down here, yeah, I’m in favor of global warming, and I think it had better come to the Sunshine State pretty damn fast, thank you.

THE ECONOMY

When I’m elected President, I will immediately make several moves to further enhance the American economy; first, I will present to Congress legislation that will address a number of problems we have with commerce, including but not limited to the high price of marijuana, the rescinding of sheriffs for Chinese and other imported products (why we need law enforcement to monitor imports from overseas is beyond me), the procreation of municipal bond debentures, the acquisition of defrauded commodity ankles…

(Phone begins ringing again…)

Dammit.

“Cap’n John…”

“YES, First Mate Wetzel, what is it now?”

“It’s what?”

“Yes, I’ll see to that immediately, thank you.”

Ms. You Screwed Up Again Wetzel informs me that the word I wanted above was “tariffs” not “sheriffs”; geez, she can be such a snot sometimes.

I see from the word-counter at the bottom of my screen that I have reached a point of no return, which was a pretty good song by the rock group Kansas back in the late 70’s, and that I need to wrap this up.

More later.

And besides, why shouldn’t I run for Pres? I mean, what does Elizabeth Warren have that I don’t have, other than looks, brains, talent and a Native American tipi in her back yard?

Love and ballots,

Cap’n John

Post Script…FYI, an “ebert” (see above) is a small, furry mammal of the Saskatchewanis ebertis genus that has rather prominent, flat ears, enormous genitalia and is indigenous to Canada.

Post Post Script…Here’s the link to Kansas’ “The Point of Know Return”…enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-R8gHj_7v8

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