LEARNING MY LINES

I love the Internet.

I love all the information available online…me and Google are real buddies, and I’ve become close personal friends with WikiPedia and WikiDictionary as well. (Yes, I know it should be “Google and I”, but it sounded cooler my way.)

I always seem to be running into interesting little factoids when I’m perusing the headlines/news, and my education is growing by leaps and bounds. (Isn’t that a wonderful mental image?) So when I came across another of those “click-bait” thingies about “Greatest All-Time Movie Misquotes” or something like that, I was intrigued. I figured I could shove another few bits of random, unimportant info into my not-that-crowded-anyway brain, and clicked away. And off down the path to a higher enlightenment I went.

I’ll get to what I found in a moment but first a word from our sponsor…

I don’t know about you guys but I wouldn’t buy insurance (or anything else for that matter) from any company that uses that creepy-looking “Flo” character as their spokesperson. I’m sure Stephanie Courtney, the actress with two first names who portrays the over-lipsticked, 60’s bouffant hairdo-wearing Progressive Insurance lady is a very nice person, but her character just creeps me out completely. Almost as much as Macaulay Culkin or those repulsive Olson twins…those two look like the subjects of a PSA on the evils of drug addiction. (Of course, Mr. Totally Sophisticated has his auto coverage with the company that has a small, green reptile who speaks with an Aussie accent as their spokesanimal…yeah, I’m cool.)

(Announcer’s voice, with strong emphasis) “And now, from the deck of the R U Kidding, it’s the Cap’n John Comedy Hour, featuring our star, the Captain and Master of the Kidding, CAP’N JOHN KRISSONGS!” (Applause light comes on.)

Hey there, exhaust fans…here’s some of the examples of “movie misquotes” that I found recently…

~The line wasn’t “Mirror, mirror on the wall”…

                …it was “MAGIC mirror on the wall,”

~It wasn’t “Houston, we have a problem”…

                …it was “Houston, we are so fucked.”

~It wasn’t “If you build it, they will come”…

                …it was “If you build it, HE will come.”

~It wasn’t “You’re going to need a bigger boat”…

                …it was “You’re going to need a synthesized, gamma ray-generating 56mm harmonizing laser cannon to kill that big-ass fish.”

~It wasn’t “Hello, Clarice”…

                …it was “GOOD EVENING, Clarice”. (And speaking of creepy.)

~It wasn’t “Nobody puts Baby in the corner”…

                …it was “Did your other daughter REALLY sing that stupid Hawaiian song onstage? Geez”.

~It wasn’t “Luke, I am your father”…

                …it was “NO, I am your father”.

~It wasn’t “Luke, I am your father”…

                …it was “Luke, I’m really your long lost sister’s neighbor’s mailman, as well as your second cousin on your father’s starboard side”.

~It wasn’t “Luke, I am your father”…

                …it was “Scotty, beam us up”. (Sorry, sometimes I get Star Wars/Trek confused.)

~It wasn’t “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn”…

                …it was “Frankly, MY DEAR, I don’t give a damn”.

We’ll have more Cap’n John and the Tale of the Three-Legged Burmese Hooker after these messages.

By show of hands, how many of you are as sick and tired of hearing about “the Royals” as I am? Geez already, Kate and Meghan and Goneril and Charles and William and Hortense and Camille and Liz and Oswald and Harry and Diana (the media still won’t leave that poor woman alone even though she’s been dead over twenty years) and Sarah (remember her?) and Phillip and Shaquille and shit, enough already. They’re not even AMERICAN royalty, they’re BRITISH for crissake, who cares? And even if they were American, THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING BUT MAKE HEADLINES FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING, WHO GIVES A SHIT? It’s like someone once said about that just-as-creepy-as-Flo Paris Hilton…”She’s famous for being famous.” Hey, if the people in the U.K. want to get all giddy and do the pee-pee dance over “the Queen”, more power to them…happy fish and chips or whatever.

We now return to Cap’n John Gets A Bikini Wax…

~It wasn’t “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too”…

                …it was “Kid, don’t screw with me, I got winged monkeys flying out of my butt”.

~It wasn’t “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore”…

                …it was “I’m AS mad as hell, and I’m not going to take THIS anymore”.

~It wasn’t “I’ll have what she’s having”…

                …it was “OMG, are you kidding me, that incredibly hot girl over there, beautifully faking an orgasm, is with that just-as-creepy-as-Flo-looking guy?” (I understand the actor that uttered that line was Billy Crystal’s mother in real life, just adding to BC’s basic creepiness quotient.)

And fade to black.

(Announcer’s voice, firm but sad) “Until next week, when the Cap’n rides the waves again…”)

Had enough? Yeah, me too…let’s talk about something else.

I’ve mentioned previously that, speaking of talking, I talk to myself, out loud, constantly, when I’m at home alone (BOY, THE WETTER YOU GET, THE OLDER IT WANTS). Whole conversations, back and forth. And I have this sardonic, mildly sarcastic “voice” that I answer myself with any time I’m being sardonic or mildly sarcastic.

Anyway, one evening last week I was working at my PC and listening to the Beach Boys Greatest Hits, specifically “L’il Deuce Coupe”, and at one point (WAY, WAY, WAY more than one…WAY, WAY more) I stopped what I was doing and started to sing along with the Boys. So we got to the part in the 2nd verse where it says, “…she’s ported and relieved and she’s stroked and bored…” and my sardonic, sarcastic voice kicked in before I could clap my hand over its mouth and said, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind getting stroked and bored” and as soon as Mr. SarSar finished commenting, I mentally grimaced and thought, “OMG, was that disgusting or what? Geez.”

Okay, I have to stop now…I owe myself a 10% reduction in the number of words I write this week because my post last week (ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY (AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE)_VOL 6) was too long by about 33% (I try to keep my posts around 1200 words…I figure if I can’t bore you by then, I should quit) and last week’s was a whopping 1647. I was possessed by the ghost of Charles Dickens I guess. Anyway, I’m going to pay myself back over the next three weeks, 10% each week.

Hey, I would expect the same from you guys…it’s only fair.

Oh, and FYI (1), I got a call from 202-456-1111 the other day…more about that next week, in a slightly reduced (10%) post.

Love and Oscars, (It wasn’t “E.T. phone home”, it was…sorry.)

Cap’n John

Post Script…FYI (2), 202-456-1111 is the phone number for the White House, temporary (just not temporary enough) home of our current President, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump. You will recall, I’ve had previous phone conversations with His Eminence, (IS THIS THE PARTY TO WHOM I’M SPEAKING?) (IS THIS THE PARTY TO WHOM I’M SPEAKING?_CONTINUED) and I am breathless, breathless with excitement to tell you what happened when we spoke recently.

Talk about doing the pee-pee dance.

Post Post Script…Please please, do yourselves a favor and click on this link and then listen to Creedence doing It Came Out Of The Sky; I absolutely guarantee you will feel better about things. It Came Out Of The Sky is also the name of the forthcoming book from author Frank Lee Scarlett, which explores the origins and early life of our President, Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump. Mr. Scarlett poses and attempts to answer such questions as, “Is PTB really the alien Second Coming of the Messiah (IS THIS THE PARTY TO WHOM I’M SPEAKING_CONTINUED) as he apparently believes?” as well as, “Why wasn’t a giant wall erected in outer space just outside the Earth’s atmosphere to keep these guys out?” and “Is there any way to trade him back to the aliens for a used synthesized, gamma ray-generating 56mm harmonizing laser cannon, a left-handed relief pitcher and a case Ex-Lax?”

WAY more.

You didn’t really think I was going to quit early, did you?

One thought on “LEARNING MY LINES

Leave a Reply