BOY, ABOUT THE ONLY CAPTAIN I LEFT OUT WAS THAT GUY WITH TENILLE

Being a prominent member of the media/blogger world (ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…that’s assuming you equate “prominent” with the phrase “infinitesimally small and thoroughly insignificant”), as well as a former resident of the entertainment and totally lacking in any concept of reality capital of the universe Los Angeles CA, I am the recipient of frequent tips and “leaks” from others of my brother and sister media slut/blogger fraternity, giving me an in-advance heads-up on upcoming events and projects in the television and movie industries.

(…”and the Oscar for the Most Convoluted Paragraph Ever Written By A Blogger Of Questionable Talent In A Comedy goes to…Cap’n John Krissongs for the above disaster!”)

Notice however that I didn’t change it…going down once again in a blaze of hyperbole.

Anyway, I recently received an email from my buddy and fellow laborer in the above-described fraternity, Harry N. Disgusting, warning, sorry, telling me about some new shows and movies that are currently either in pre-production or at least in the development stages.

You’re breathless with anticipation, right?

FYI, the original caption for this pic was “TV Helmet”…beats me.

Harry N. tells me that his sources are talking excitedly of a TV show being proposed for the White House by execs at Fox Entertainment as a vehicle for President Donald “Tweety Bird” Trump, to be an “after the Presidency” project for His Eminence, and that the talk is pretty serious about the chances of this happening. Fox is proposing that the Pres star in a redux of the old “Captain Kangaroo” kids show, in the role of the venerable Captain; the working title is “Captain Tweety Bird”.

The idea would be for PTB to reprise a number of the original show’s features, such as the “Good Morning Captain” segment where he would be greeted by various celebrities, just as Bob Keeshan, who played the original Captain for so many years, was by such luminaries as William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy in their roles as Captain (one Captain to another) Kirk and Spock, as well as celebs like comedian Bob Newhart, actor Alan Alda and felon Bill Cosby. (Hillary Clinton volunteered to be a “greeter” for the new show, but only on the condition that they would be able to somehow slip “fuck you” past the censors.) Guests being discussed to wish PTB a good morning include hip-hop artist (boy, there’s an oxymoron for you) Kanye West, stripper and former PTB one-night amour Stormy Daniels and Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren.

Other segments from the original show that are being considered for the reboot are “Reading Stories”, where PTB will read some of his more hilarious and incoherent tweets and Presidential messages, various hand puppets dancing in a black light theatre to current hit songs such as “God Is A Woman and Trump Is A Fucktard” by Rio Grande as well as a remake of the running gag “Ping Pong Ball Drop”, where one of the cast members tells PTB a “knock-knock” joke that always ends with the phrase “ping pong balls”, at which time a slew of same are dumped on the Captain. (Someone involved in the production said that HRC suggested using bowling balls for this segment.)

Speaking of the supporting cast, there’s further talk that several members of the WH staff, as well as various Congressional hacks, er, sorry, Congresspersons will be featured as well…

~Playing the role of “Dancing Bear” would be Press Secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders…the costume should fit her perfectly, and she wouldn’t need the mask;

~In the role of “Bunny Rabbit” would be FLATUS, sorry, FLOTUS Melanoma Trump…if you recall, Bunny didn’t speak much but was kinda’ cute (at least BR kept his clothes on);

~Playing the role of “Grandfather Clock” would be Presidential Advisor KellyAnne Conway Twitty, given her ability to sound off regularly just to remind us of her presence;

~The role of “Mr. Moose”, the hand puppet, would be played by Senator Mitch McConnell, based on his experience…McConnell is said to be okay with having someone’s hand up his backside and being directed on what to do/say;

~And finally, the Captain’s sidekick and occasional foil “Mr. Green Jeans” would be played by Chief of Staff John Kelly, who is said to look good in green, apparently a holdover from his days in the Marine Corp.

New segments being discussed for the show include “Hangin’ With The Bird”, where PTB shows kids how to become a gazillionaire on their father’s money; or “The Blame Game”, an audience-participation thing where the Captain accuses kids in the studio of fictitious misdeeds that are really his fault and the accused gets prizes for the best/quickest comeback; or “Slam A Libtard”, a daily segment where PTB picks a different Democrat each show to demean and allows the kids at home to vote, via digital tally, for the most slanderous, disgusting nickname for that day’s target.

Production will begin, we all pray fervently, on January 21, 2021.

I further hear some other rumors from HND, such as a proposal to make a sequel to the excellent adaptation of John Grisham’s thriller “The Firm”, which you will recall starred Tom Cruise as the hero, attorney Mitch McDeere; the new movie will star Cruise again in the McDeere role, this time playing an attorney for a mattress manufacturer who encounters corruption in the bedding industry…title for the new movie is to be “The Extra Firm”.

(Insert rim-shot here.)

Another idea being talked of with great enthusiasm in LaLaLand (Los Angeles, not Washington), according to Harry, is a new soap opera to be entitled “The Young and The Bewildered”. It will tell the story of a group of “millennials” and their continuing day-to-day struggles to function as real adults in a world of which they have little actual comprehension.

Personally, I’m hoping for a remake of “The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show”; by show of hands, how many of you think R and B were WAY smarter, funnier and totally more sophisticated than any of those morons on “Keeping Up With The Karpathians” or whatever the hell their name is?

Love and video tape,

Cap’n John

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