I WAS ABDUCTED BY SPACE ALIEN SLUTS…THINGS I DID/DIDN’T DO ON MY SUMMER VACATION

One day back in June of this year, I was standing in front of the counter in my kitchen early one morning, a plastic container of orange juice sitting there in front of me, shaking my entire body as vigorously as I could…hey, that’s what it said to do on the label.

What do I know?

So anyway, I was just about to pour myself a big glass of OJ (now that the preliminaries were complete), when suddenly every light in my apartment popped on and began to glow intensely, bright as the sun it seemed. I could hear a murmur of sound from outside, low at first; it immediately started to build in intensity, like I was standing at the end of an airport runway, waiting for a distant oncoming 747 to race towards me and lift off just over my head. The sound seemed to be coming from all around me, and as it grew, I turned towards the window and peered out, hoping to see what the source of this strange phenomena was.

I didn’t have to wait long to get my answer.

I could see huge billows of cumulus clouds, still well off in the east but moving rapidly towards me, building in size and range, boiling over themselves raggedly as they approached. As I watched, standing there in my undies and my fave “I look better online” tee-shirt, the front continued to move right at me, getting larger and more turbulent as it came. It raced forward, covering the sky in all directions and blotting out the sun, and came to an abrupt stop just above my apartment. The clouds were still raging all over themselves, but more slowly, less raggedly, becoming stationary.

Suddenly, an enormous airship appeared through the clouds, as if the huge gathering of cumulus was giving birth, an alien object in its appearance and in its non-earthliness. It was ancient-looking, gray and old, weathered it seemed by the billions of miles it had most likely traversed through space, shaped like a saucer with a row of small, pulsing lights along its flank, like celestial turn-signals, signaling its intent to turn left onto Earth Boulevard.

It hovered for a moment or two, then sank slowly with a sigh of rato jets, and softly came down behind my building. Several huge appendages, like landing gear, abruptly popped out of the underside of the ship and settled into the grass, and after a few minutes, time I spent staring out my window in a stupor of amazement, a hatch opened on the side of the ship, and a long row of steps descended, stopping when they reached the ground.

What happened next was right out of a Robert Heinlein novel.

Three long, greenish, multi-jointed limbs appeared at the top of the steps; for lack of a better description, they were obviously the “legs” of an alien creature that would slowly expose itself as it climbed down the ramp. I was at once terrified and fascinated by what I was seeing. It began its descent, and by some intuition I can’t explain, I knew it was there for me.

I ran to my closet to find my synthesized, gamma-ray generating 56mm harmonized laser cannon, determined to defend myself to the death if need be from the alien threat. (Florida has the infamously stupid “stand your ground” law don’t forget.)

Okay, none of the above happened…I lied. Hey, if Donald Trump can tell 6042 lies since he became President (see the link below), I can tell a fat one occasionally as well.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/02/president-trump-has-made-false-or-misleading-claims-over-days/?utm_term=.2fa1fd6a5b90

I know it’s rather late in the year to be talking about what I did/didn’t do on my summer vacation, but hey, I’ve always been a late bloomer…like my mother always said, better late than Republican.

Anyway, here goes…

~I wrote my Christmas letter REAL early this year…”Dear Santa: I can explain”;

~I swore I would never use Bumble Bee tuna again…it said on the can “Since 1899”, and for my money, that’s WAY too long of a “Use By” date;

~I achieved my one millionth time in my life for putting on a tee-shirt;

~I learned that the Miami Marlins have a relief pitcher on their staff named Cloyd, and I just knew that I had FINALLY learned the missing tense in the progression “cloy, CLOYD, cloying”. (Hey, it made sense to me at the time);

~For the first time in my life I uttered the phrase, “I need a 5/16ths socket, Mindy, Mayor McCheese is up on the 10-meter board again”;

~I learned that scientists have decided that octopusseses came from outer space (probably on that same ship that landed outside my apartment building), but now I can’t find the link so you’ll have to take my word for it;

~I further learned that Pat Venditte, a pitcher in the major leagues who throws both right- and left-handed, according to the Associated Press, is “amphibious”…the gills should have been the dead give-away I suppose;

https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/shop-smartphones/25-funniest-newspaper-headlines-of-all-time/ss-AAvGznt?li=BBnb7Kz&ocid=mailsignout#image=3

~I also found out that iguanas are out of control in South Florida, and have threatened to move north to Tallahassee and take over the Florida legislature (see link down there);

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/out-of-control-iguanas-infesting-south-florida/ar-AAz1s9m?li=BBnbfcL&ocid=mailsignout

(Reminds me of those ugly dudes from that scene in “Journey To The Center Of The Earth”…great movie. Definitely space aliens…wait, that was the octpusseses.)

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052948/?ref_=nv_sr_1

(Would someone please explain to me where Florida comes up with all these weird-ass names…Tallahassee, Thonotosassa, Okeechobee, Weeki Wachee, Kanoottensandwich, Kissimmee, Marco Rubio, geez, the list just goes on and on.)

I did a bunch of other stuff as well this past summer, things that I can’t discuss in a family forum such as this, but suffice to say they involved a horse collar, a xylophone, a case of Crest toothpaste and a 55-gallon drum of lime Jello. (There’s always room for Jello, right?)

I have to end this now; I’m going to go out in the kitchen, get the OJ container out of the fridge and think real hard…hey, it says “concentrate” on the label.

Love and the Summertime Blues,

Cap’n John

Post Script…do you guys know what Winnie the Pooh and Alexander the Great have in common? Same middle name.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nU5uDozoSSM

And for those of you who didn’t like the Blue Cheer version…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kC4S13jcki4

 

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