I have received torrents and rivers of letters and emails recently, wondering why I haven’t written anything for the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog since back on the 24th of February (okay, I got two, but compared to none, that’s a torrent), concerned that I might be incapacitated in some way and asking when, oh when, Cap’n John, will you return?
In reverse order…well, I guess my return date is today, 3/15, the infamous Ides of March, on the 2062th anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar by a bunch of Roman Senators who were not only upset with his handling of several important issues of the time, including immigration, taxes and sword control, but Caesar’s numerous alleged liaisons with large-breasted women of ill repute as well. (FYI, your Cap’n is a big fan of large-breasted women of ill repute.)
As far as being incapacitated, thank you for your concern, but no, I’m fine, as well as can be expected for someone whose mother dressed him funny when he was a kid.
Lastly, I just got lazy. (Hey, it happens.)
I saw this headline this morning on the ‘Net…”O.J. criticizes Kaepernick over anthem protest”. So apparently even disgraced athletes who are convicted felons think Colin Kaepernick’s ill-advised kneeling during the playing of the Star-Spangled Banner prior to NFL football games was a rancid crock of yak butter. (And thank you to author Christopher Moore for that great description.)
I’m sure all those folks who also didn’t like or agree with Mr. Kaepernick’s actions are greatly heartened at O.J.’s support.
It’s been my experience in life that opinions are a lot like assholes…everybody has one and a lot of them stink. But this is ‘Murica, and the First Amendment of our hallowed Constitution grants the nation’s citizens the right to pop-off with their opinions, any time they like, about anything they want to pop-off about. The Constitution was ratified in 1787 and Americans haven’t shut the fuck up since then.
I see (and like most people, I suspect, occasionally respond to) opinion polls about everything these days, on the Internet, in my daily newspaper, in the mail, even being conducted by individuals in shopping malls, all of them asking “hey, what do you think about…”, presupposing the process of thought, a chancy supposition at best in many cases.
So I thought that, hell, I can be a band-wagon jumper, why not come up with my OWN opinion poll and foist it upon my unsuspecting readers and make it about things I really want to know?
Okay, unsuspecting readers, here we go…
1) ”Pool noodles” would be…
 a) a great name for a rock band;
 b) a great name for amphibious pasta;
 c) the “real” reason J. Caesar was killed or;
 d) none of all of the above.
2) Cellular phones are…
 a) a blight on humanity;
 b) a blight on humanity;
 c) a blight on humanity or;
 d) all of the above twice.
3) President Donald Trump…
 a) is doing a great job…not;
 b) is the Devil Incarnate;
 c) is an unprincipled horse’s ass;
 d) as a President would make a fine truck-driver or;
 e) all of the above three times.
4) Satanism is the perfect religion…if you screw up, when you die, you go to Heaven.
 a) true
 b) false
 c) orchestra section, third row, seats 56 and 57.
5) The 115th Congress…
 a) is doing a great job…not;
 b) is a bunch of unprincipled horse’s asses;
 c) should be beaten repeatedly or;
 d) if you answered “yes” on Question “a” (line 54) then proceed to section “L” (line 56.53) and repeat as needed, but only if you have checked off box “h3” (line 666, subsection “25.nd%”) then refigure your tax after completing Form A888999555 (line 2, paragraph 2.5) and recalculating your framitz deduction fiscally with addendums.
6) Re my campaign for President in 2020, if I made singer Toni Tennille my candidate for Vice-President, I could campaign as “The Cap’n and Tennille”; is this…
 a) a great idea;
 b) something that smells like a fish left in a hot car for three days;
 c) a really dumb idea or;
 d) pool noodles.
7) The Grammys…
 a) are a complete bore;
 b) are a total and complete bore;
 c) are totally irrelevant and a total and complete bore or:
 d) stupid.
8) Yesterday at my part-time job as a “Front Service Clerk” for Publix Supermarkets, I walked 8053 steps, or 3.8 miles in a 5 hour shift…
 a) not bad for a guy slightly younger than a redwood tree or a tortoise;
 b) see answer “a”;
 c) all of the above;
 d) Mongo Santamaria.
9) Yoga pants are…
 a) a blight on humanity:
 b) the best thing that ever happened to men in general;
 c) tight in all the appropriate places or;
 d) the corner of 57th Street and Maple Lane.
10) Opinion polls are…
 a) a blight on humanity;
 b) a valid and meaningful method of determining people’s feelings about the issues that face our country today, as long as the “people” you ask have an IQ above room temperature;
 c) stupid or;
 d) endless.
11) Are you (please check all that apply, sequentially)…
 a) male;
 b) female;
 c) other;
 d) over 21 years of age;
 e) an American citizen;
 f) a taxpayer;
 g) a standout rodeo performer;
 h) deeply confused about which antiperspirant to use;
 i) claiming all the residents of your entire apartment complex as deductions;
 j) all of the above except a, b, c, d, e, f, g, and h.
Thank you for participating.
By applause, how many of you are really glad that this opinion poll is done…yeah, I thought so.
Love and questionnaires,
Post Script…a major announcement will be forthcoming from the Cap’n John For President campaign in the immediate future. Stay tuned to this blog for the latest news.