Since announcing my candidacy for President in 2020 two days ago (campaign slogan…”My Name Is Cap’n John And I Ain’t Kidding”), I have been virtually non-stop doing candidate-type activities…you know, forming a political party, which entails getting the chips and dip, the liquid refreshments, the invites sent out, etc., as well as creating a PAC (when I said the other day in my announcement post, see “LET’S THROW A POLITICAL PARTY!” 1/10/18, that I thought “PAC” was the Burmese word for “crook”, I was mistaken…it’s actually the Attic Greek word for “lying thieves”; I just wanted to clarify that), raising money, determining what the “planks” will be for my new party’s platform, soliciting donations, writing speeches, raising money, kissing babies, seeking donors and raising money.
Not in that order, of course.
So I thought I would take a short break from all this political frivolity and discuss just how fucking weird things are here in Florida. (Another great segue, from the master of same.)
I moved here to the Sunshine State, where the state motto is (true) “In God We Trust” (I understand the guy who thought this up is now working at an ad agency writing commercial jingles for Edsel automobiles) back in August of 2015; my thought was to immerse myself in the atmosphere of Florida by coming in the absolute hottest, most humid month of the year, you know, just to get a feel for the “real” FL.
What I have found, to date, is that Florida is a) stormy, b) possessed of the most varied collection of wildlife you can imagine, which includes about a bajillion little brown anoles lizards and bugs the size of a Hummer that fly, c) hot and humid, d) the home of some of the weirdest people in captivity, e) very humid, f) colorful and g) extremely humid. Again, not necessarily in that order.
Those are the high points.
This whole “weird Florida” thing started a few weeks ago when I saw an article in the Tampa Bay Times (motto: All The News Sometimes) about iguanas showing up in people’s toilets. (See link below under the heading “What, Are You Kidding Me?”)
Rather than rehash the article here, I’ll let you guys check it out yourselves…besides, what the hell else can you say about people finding large, herbivorous lizards that are NOT indigenous to this area doing the backstroke in their commodes? Go ahead, I’ll wait while you think about that…all done?
So here we go, mateys, a compendium, which not a place you live in, of stories from the annals of “Things To Do In Florida When You’re Totally Baked”…or whatever.
“HOW DO SO MANY IGUANAS GET IN FLORIDA TOILET BOWLS?”
…yeah, Governor Scott, just exactly how the hell does that happen?
”FLORIDA WOMAN ON HORSEBACK CHARGED WITH DUI”
…and I absolutely, positively guarantee you she was doing 45 MPH in the far left-hand lane when she was pulled over.
“WOMAN HOPES HER 4.48-INCH TONGUE LICKS HER INTO RECORD BOOKS”
…this young woman can eat an ice cream cone from the other side of the table.
“WOMAN ALLEGEDLY HAD SEX WITH DOGS, PONDERED BIGGER CANINE”
…this does give a whole new meaning to the term “doggy-style”.
“POLICE: FLORIDA WOMAN ATTACKS FARTING HUSBAND”
…isn’t it sad when flatulence breaks up a happy relationship?
“WOMAN CALLS COPS TO GRIPE ABOUT POT DEALER”
…hey, getting a short bag isn’t funny, okay?
“FLORIDA MAN ARRESTED FOR ALLEGEDLY MASTURBATING AT BURGER KING”
…you guys remember the old BK ad campaign that sang “It takes two hands to handle a Whopper”? (Reminds me of the story I read years ago about vandalism done to a local Mickey D’s… police found a brick that had been thrown through the front window of the restaurant with a note attached: ”You deserve a break today.”)
“PORN STAR KAYLA KUPCAKES FLASHES JUDGE IN FLORIDA COURTROOM”
…KK was arrested when found hanging around a local Burger King. (Okay, I made that part up.)
AND FINALLY…THE TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Love and electro-shock therapy,
Post script…and even more finally, a woman riding an ostrich.