LET’S THROW A POLITICAL PARTY!

 

Editor’s note: the views expressed below do in fact reflect the opinions of the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog, since Cap’n John runs the whole damn thing. (We insert a huge sigh of resignation here.)

As many of my loyal readers are aware, in addition to my duties and responsibilities as the Captain and Master of the R U Kidding, I am also employed part-time by the Publix Supermarket chain here in Florida as a Front Service Clerk, which is, as I have commented previously, a $200 name for a $27 job. (Publix’ motto for their employees: “Publix…a GREAT place to work”, to which I always add, “…compared to hemorrhoid surgery.”) I suspect, despite the fact that, and this is the truth, I am an exemplary employee, good ol’ Pubics, as I call them, probably wouldn’t appreciate my attitude.

Which is certainly understandable…it’s been my experience, after almost two years of working for the company, that they do not seem to possess a sense of humor. At least, I’ve seen no evidence of one.

Anyway, I was on my way home from work earlier this afternoon, when I noticed a bumper sticker on the vehicle in front of me, as we were waiting for the light to change; to wit…”Annoy A Democrat: Use Facts And Logic”, to which I could only think, yeah, annoy a Republican…have some empathy for your fellow man, try to use class, tact, good taste and decorum in your actions, and try pursuing what’s best for the country, rather than for all your billionaire buddies.

I do so love politics. 

After hearing that Oprah Winfrey, based on her speech at the Golden Globes award ceremony on Monday night last, is now running for President in 2020, it got me to thinking about presidential campaigns, candidates and what have you. (All these various Hollywood award ceremonies always remind me of the old joke about the egocentric Broadway star who, after giving a fan 10 minutes of self-praise for her work in a play, says to her listener, “Well, that’s enough of what I thought of my performance, what did YOU think of my performance?”) Because apparently Ms. Winfrey’s comments were such, and I admit, other than a few short examples of what she said, I haven’t heard the entire text of her remarks, that she is now a serious candidate for the Presidency.

Oh good, just what American needs, another entertainer/gazillionaire who wants to lead us to the Promised Land, or in the case of President Tweety Bird, the current resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Make America Great Again.

Since apparently Ms. Winfrey’s only qualifications for the office are a) having her own drippy, sentimental TV show, b) one good speech that was, in fairness, spot on in its support of the #MeToo movement, and c) a propensity for weight gain/loss that mirrors the up and down actions of a roller coaster (which I sincerely believe she does intentionally to cash in on her Weight Watchers endorsement), I figured, nothing from nothing leaves nothing, so why shouldn’t I, your Cap’n, run for President as well?

Yes, that’s right, party-lovers, as of today, January 10th, 2018, I am announcing my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States in the 2020 election. (“Hail To The Chief” begins to play softly in the background here.) 

Over the next few months I will be busy with a number of activities aimed at furthering my candidacy, the first of which will be the formation of a new political party, since I’m too practical to be a Democrat and too honest and too proud to be a Republican. I was preliminarily thinking of adopting the nickname of the Native American Party, later known as the American Party and commonly referred to as the “Know Nothing” party from back in the mid-1850s, but I figured the Republicans already had a firm grip on that moniker. (Of course, they knew enough to pass a tax-reform bill that will save each of their major donors a bajillion in tax breaks, so I guess you can’t really say they know nothing…just not much. Well, except for the Pres, who is a self-proclaimed “very stable genius”, whatever the hell that is.)

So I don’t even have a name, as yet, for my proposed new party, nor do I have any planks for my political platform, and I’m going to work on those things over the next few months and announce them as I formulate them, but I do at least have a motto….wanna’ hear it? (Good luck stopping me.)

Wait for it…

“My name is Cap’n John, and I ain’t kidding”. 

Catchy, huh?

I am working with my advisors and lawyers on the creation of a PAC (I believe that’s Burmese for “crook”, if I recall), and if you would like to allow me to extort, excuse me, if you would like to donate to the Cap’n John For Pres campaign, here’s where to send your shekels, rupees and drachmas or douche-bags or whatever they call them:

                The If The Cap’n Ain’t Kidding Neither Am I Campaign Fund

                P.O. Box 000000.523-2/3

                New Port Richey FL 111111111101

No donation is too small, and as Bill Murray said in Ghostbusters, no fee is too big, so send in those dimes and quarters and $100 bills ASAP. And remember the immortal words of Will Rogers, who once opined that we should be happy that we aren’t getting all the government we’re paying for.

Or to quote the late Mayor of Chicago, Richard J. Daley (father, not son, and this is a true quote, by the way), “Vote early and vote often.”

Love and ballot-boxes,

Cap’n John

Post Script…Tom Hanks was asked if he would consider being Ms. Winfrey’s Vice-Presidential candidate, to which he replied, “I will only be VP if I’m guaranteed at least two rides on the Presidential helicopter a month. If I don’t get that, I will not serve. I want to ride shotgun on Marine One twice a month.” Tom, you cheap shit, drop a few of your katrillion dollars and buy your own damn helicopter.

Geez.

 

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