WINTER IN FLORIDA (AND HIGHLIGHTS FROM DECEMBER)

Now please, I understand that, if we’re speaking of other parts of the U.S., the winter weather here in the Sunshine State is mild by comparison; believe me, I get it. Hey, I spent the bulk of my adult years (“adult” as in chronology, not necessarily maturity) living on the frozen tundra of Northern Illinois…trust me, winter and I are well acquainted. (FYI, the above pic is from yesterday in Savannah GA.)

But the fact remains that, when you live in New Port Richey FL, where the average temperature in January runs between 50 and 72 degrees, finding frost on your windshield first thing in the morning is a bit of a shock. But that’s what I found this morning (01/04/2018) when I walked out of my apartment and to my car at 7:00am.

Frost, as in Jack, not David. 

Since I spend a great deal of my time at my part-time job as a Front Service Clerk for Publix Supermarkets (if Publix had a middle name, based on the titles they give their employees, it would have to be “grandiose”) out on the parking lot, either helping customers to their cars or chasing carts, in deference to the “brisk” conditions outside, I wore a sleeveless vest over a long-sleeved shirt today.

But you would have thought, judging from the outfits of the customers I saw coming into the store this morning, that the wind-chill in the area had dropped to -40 overnight…I mean, come on, people, are you kidding me? One lady came in wearing a parka, a woolen hat down over her ears, a wool scarf knotted around her neck, gloves and boots. (I’m assuming the long underwear.)

You would have thought she was about to go run the Iditarod. And she wasn’t the only one, by any means. 

Winter in Florida, thy name is overkill.

So let’s go back (“…let’s go back, let’s go back, let’s go way oh, way back when”…thank you, Aretha) to the Welcome Aboard The R U Kidding blog in December, when the weather was still warm and the livin’ was easy, and relive some of the highlights, such as they are.

~From “ADVICE FOR THOSE WHO AREN’T GETTING ANY (AND I DON’T MEAN ADVICE)_VERSION 3.0” (12/29)…

Tchaikovsky was most certainly spinning in his grave. Oh, and FYI, that’s STRAZ, not SPAZ, above…yeah, I made the same mistake the first time I heard the name as well; I remember thinking to myself, since no one else was there at the time, well, that’s pretty rude.”

~From “OH POOR PITIFUL ME (AND THANK YOU WARREN ZEVON)” (12/25)…

Now please, let’s not everyone get all drippy and treacly here; no one ever dies of “aloneness”; at least I don’t think you can. (By show of hands, how many of you think “treacly” is a really cool word? Okay, put your hands down now.) I mean, there are worse things that could happen, liking having Donald Trump be elected President. Oh, that’s right, that actually happened, didn’t it?”

~From “TODAY’S SUBJECT WILL BE…” (12/16)…

A number of years ago, just prior to having some minor surgery performed at a local hospital, during the admitting process, the nurse who was taking information from me asked me if I had any other chronic complaints, to which I responded that I also suffered from what I thought of as a severe case of pecuniary strangulation. She duly noted this in my file and moved on to other questions.” 

~From “FOE TOES_PART DEUX (THAT’S FRENCH FOR SALAMI FINGERS)” (12/14)…

The Mad Magazine “Spys” have their horse repossessed, due to non-payment of the loan.”

~From “I FORGOT TO ASK IF THEY HAD A WENDYS” (12/8)…

It seems that Mr. O is a 50-year-old married man, and has suffered from this allergy since the age of 19. Every time he ejaculates, Mr. O “experiences fever, weakness, exhaustion, loss of initiative, headaches, disordered speech, irritability, forgetfulness and frightening dreams, not to mention swollen lips and throat.” Yeah, not to mention. (Needless to say, puberty was the only time sex was any fun for this poor guy.) Further symptoms include loss of a day’s pay, halitosis, hemorrhoids, taxation without representation, voting Republican and rampant mopery.” 

~From “USERS, IN THE TRUEST SENSE OF THE WORD” (12/7)…

And what part of “fuck you” didn’t you understand?”

Love and nostalgia,

Cap’n John

Post Script…just another FYI, but there will be a quiz on the above material tomorrow…

…after it warms up.

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