Q: WHAT CALIBER OF GUN IS RECOMMENDED FOR APARTMENT HUNTING?

Amidst rumors of growing dissension among the various members of the Board of Directors of the National Rifle Association, including the leaking of the above photo, taken during a garden break at the recent NRA National Convention and Flea Market, that shows several of the Board members having a heated exchange over which has more “stopping power”, a 9mm bullet or a .45? As can be seen from the picture, there is some obvious disagreement between these men.

But a much larger controversy has evolved from this photo since its release, as a formal and strongly worded protest was made to the same NRA Board, regarding the illegal poaching and indiscriminate wearing of exotic mattress covering, as depicted by the clothing of Peter Gunn, the Board member in the direct center of the picture wearing the disputed apparel.

The protest, sent not only to the NRA Board, but also to MSNBC and Rachel Maddox, was made by the Venerable Order of Mattress Inspectors and Testers (VOMIT), and had harsh words for the gun lobbyists in general and Mr. Gunn specifically, who is shown in the photo in a striped, vested suit made from an exotic mattress covering, which was rumored to have been hunted and shot by Mr. Gunn on a recent bedding safari to Cleveland.

“As it is widely recognized today that the exotic mattress covering is becoming increasingly rare in the wild with each passing year, it is absolutely imperative that this covering be protected in all ways to ensure its continued existence,” said VOMIT President Bradley Sussywoots. “We strongly protested, in the most emphatic language, our displeasure in seeing one of the NRA Board members wearing this rare, endangered covering. That’s criminal, or should be, in VOMIT’s opinion.”

When contacted for a response, Mr. Gunn said the following, “I would be happy to show Mr. Sussywoots the business end of my Glock 9 at his earliest convenience.” He then made an unkind remark, which will not be printed here, about the rather diminutive size of a certain part of Mr. Sussywoots’ male anatomy, and hung up.

And in the category of “Sentences I Never In My Wildest Dreams Thought I Would Ever Hear” comes this recent entry…

“As an obese male, his life expectancy can expect to be substantially reduced,” attorney Curtis Fallgatter wrote in a motion…”.

The above is a direct quote from an article in the 10/21/17 edition of the Tampa Bay Times (“All The News You Need Sometimes”); I neither edited, added or altered. (The lousy English is also not mine…I know better.)

Mr. Fallgatter’s (a name I know you would swear I made up, but I didn’t) client is some guy who is a) 5’9’ tall and weighs 273 pounds and has b) recently been convicted of selling a bogus “Business Protection Plan” to rich investors and business owners as a tax avoidance scheme by kicking back 85% of the Plan’s premiums to the holder, after the premiums had been deducted as a legitimate business expense. The attorney was seeking a reduction in his client’s sentence, which was set by the court at 4 years and 6 months…the judge denied the motion, made an unkind remark about what assholes all lawyers and fat guys are, and adjourned.

And finally today, I believe I stumbled onto, inadvertently, a sign of approaching Apocalypse…I was reading about still another of our President’s latest fiascos, and this thought popped in my head, quite unbidden…”By comparison, this Trump asshole is even starting to make ol’ “W” look good.”

I immediately retired to the bathroom for a vigorous session of yarking.

Love and boxsprings,

Cap’n John

Post Script…YES, THAT WAS THE BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS, THAT BEAT THE CHICAGO CUBS IN THE NLCS LIKE A RENTED MULE AND IS NOW AWAITING THE OUTCOME OF THE ALCS BETWEEN THE NEW YORK YANKEES/HOUSTON ASTROS, TO KNOW WHO THEY WILL HAVE TO CRUSH ON THEIR WAY TO BECOMING THE 2017 WORLD CHAMPIONS.

Post Post Script…finally.

Post Toasties…and because I really like you guys, here’s Dickey Betts and Great Southern doing a Betts’ tune called “Bouganvillea”…it is one of the most beautiful rock songs I’ve ever heard, and Betts is superb with his playing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZmwULnL62g

Good night, and good hunting.

 

Leave a Reply